Earn cash as you plan. Get a $20 gift card for every 200 points with The Knot Rewards
Second Weddings
Knottie1437664533
member
Wording help
I am getting married in August and it is both my fiance's and my second marriage. I didn't have a first wedding, he had a HUGE $40,000 affair for his. We are keeping it low key Saturday afternoon lunch reception, just family and the wedding party for like 100 people. I have tried to include his sister but she has decided that it's a second wedding and we shouldn't have ANYTHING. She also thinks since we are doing a honey fund that we are only having the wedding for gifts. Not true since my father is 72 with cancer and never walked me down the aisle so the wedding is for ME.
To that end, sis-in-law convinced father-in-law that he should tell fiance not to invite his out of town family. Which has really hurt my fiance.
My fiance wants to invite them, and feels it will hurt their feelings if we don't. Our compromise position is to include his family in the save the date cards and put some kind of wording on the back letting his family know that we are simply letting them know he is getting married, that they are welcome if they want to come, but don't need too and gifts are not necessary.
Could you help me with some wording for this.. I am an author so I tend to be REALLY bad about this stuff
And the stuff about sis-inlaw was because I needed to vent we've all been there
To that end, sis-in-law convinced father-in-law that he should tell fiance not to invite his out of town family. Which has really hurt my fiance.
My fiance wants to invite them, and feels it will hurt their feelings if we don't. Our compromise position is to include his family in the save the date cards and put some kind of wording on the back letting his family know that we are simply letting them know he is getting married, that they are welcome if they want to come, but don't need too and gifts are not necessary.
Could you help me with some wording for this.. I am an author so I tend to be REALLY bad about this stuff
And the stuff about sis-inlaw was because I needed to vent we've all been there
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Wording help
Second bolded. No, not okay. You either want to invite these people or you don't. And why are you letting SIL control who you invite? She should have zero say in your guest list unless she is helping to pay for your wedding, which I am assuming she isn't. So if you FI wants to invite these people then invite them. But do not send STDs and then tell them that they aren't really invited but if they want to come they can. Talk about confusing as hell. So send them STDs (minus your very odd and confusing wording) and then follow up with a proper invite. Screw what your SIL wants. Not her wedding.
Second, lose the honeyfund. Not only is it rude for you to ask for cash, but those "honeyfunds" don't register you for airfare, hotels, activities, or anything connected with a honeymoon (and those expenses are your responsibility, not your guests'. If you can't afford to pay for your honeymoon, save up your own funds and wait until you have enough to go). All a honeyfund is is some organization collecting the donations while helping themselves to a cut and writing you a check for the difference. Guests who want to give you cash gifts can do so directly without giving any to a honeyfund.
Third, if I got an invitation or a save-the-date with a "you don't have to come or give us a gift if you don't want to" message, I would feel like you don't want me to come. This message feels like a slap across the face, not a gracious "out," because it comes across, regardless of your motives, like you don't really want "the honor of my presence" or the "pleasure of my company" and think I would only accept out of a sense of obligation, not out of a genuine desire to attend your happy occasion for your sake. I am capable of, and prefer, to decide for myself whether I not I will attend your wedding and whether or not doing whatever is necessary to make that happen is too much of a burden for me-not have it decided for me by the couple and/or hosts.
As for "they don't have to give you gifts," you're right. They don't. It's not up to you whether or not you get gifts, and it's rude to mention them in any way in invitations and save-the-dates.
The guest list is up to you and your FI. Unless they are paying for your wedding, nobody else gets to choose your guests. NOBODY!
Here is the wording for your invitation:
Reception to follow
Save the Date cards are completely unnecessary! You simply send out invitations to every one who is invited about 8 weeks before your wedding.
Formal invitation to follow!
No response is required to an STD. It is simply a notice that you will send them an invitation at a later date. If you have a wedding website, you may include that on your STD, but no mention of gifts or (Ugh!) honeyfunds.
Go with @CMGragain 's wording, above.
If so you and your FI need to reevaulate your wedding and start from scratch. I'm assuming since this is a second marriage for both of you are are old enough to plan a nice wedding ceremony and recetion without tiering it or involving his family in creating a guest list.It doesn't matter how much he spent on his last wedding, unless this is a bone of contention in your relationship...which it seems like it may be.
Wow... ok forget I asked. Jeesh. I sort of feel attacked by all of that.
1) It isn't a bone of contention for me but it what his father and sister are using to justify the reasoning for not inviting his family
2) I happen to know that something like Honeyfund is perfectly acceptable etiquette wise because my aunt, the etiquette expert (like the only person who knows more etiquette than her is Emily Post) suggested it.
3)You aren't asking for money with a Honeyfund you are asking for them to contribute to things for you to do and HOneyfund doesn't get a cut.
4) Inixon8 - That was an old question and we aren't having that party so that was a BIT uncalled for.
I came here for help and got totally discouraged.... I mean we need to reevaluate everything... seriously....
perhaps you folks need to look at how you speak to people.
Second bolded. Sorry but your Aunt is wrong. Honeyfunds are rude. Honeyfunds are a "sweet" way of asking for cash. Asking for money in anyway is rude. So I think your Aunt needs to stop thinking she is an etiquette expert.
And yes you are asking for money through a Honeyfund (hence the word fund...you are asking people to fund your honeymoon with their own money). Because that is what you get. You get a check in the mail. You don't get that fun swimming with the dolphins excursion or that romantic dinner on the beach. All you get is a check. People know that money is a good gift. That don't need some cutesy registry to tell them that.
And we are helping you. You just aren't happy with our answers. No one was rude to you. People gave you blunt advice. Sorry but many of us don't sugar coat things. If you are doing something that can be seen as rude we are going to tell you.
"2. You may accept online payments from your gift givers via our integrated credit card solution powered by WePay (US only), or via your own PayPal account.
WePay fees: 2.8% + $0.30
PayPal fees: 2.8% + $0.30/transaction*. Learn more and sign up."
Either they get a cut directly, or Paypal gets a cut and they get kickbacks. Either way, you're getting $96.90 instead of the $100 you'd get from a check, and someone else is getting the other $3.10.
From: http://www.honeyfund.com/honeymoon-registry?gclid=CKvAtrjIp8oCFQotHwodiRsBog
Edited for typos
The honeyfund takes a fee for collecting money from your gift givers. This is deceptive, since most people who use this option think that they are actually giving you an experience, such as a dinner or an excursion.
Many people think that honeymoon registries are fine. Many more think that they are rude and tacky. I guarantee that some of your guests will fall into the latter category. Do you want to risk this?
Many brides do not have a big honeymoon. I was one of them. Expensive honeymoons are a modern trend, but are not required.
It all boils down to your guests. If you say to your guests "We only want cash as a gift," then it is rude. Many people think honeyfunds are exactly this. Your first consideration is treating your guests with respect and gratitude for coming to your wedding.
No one knows all the answers about modern etiquette. It changes too fast. Only a few years ago, Save the Dates were unheard of; now they are common. In 1947, tuxedos were forbidden at weddings; now they are seen at many evening weddings.
Honeyfunds are very new. Maybe someday they will be universally accepted, but at this time they are new and very controversial. If you do care about your guests and good manners, (Honestly, from your last response, you do sound like a rude person.) then you will not do a honeymoon fund.
8. You stopped responding in that thread so I assumed you were still doing that. That's why I said you need to start from scratch. My response was not uncalled for because I asked if that was still your plan.
I have great relationships with friends family coworkers my high school students and their families because I know how to speak to people. You posted on an online forum looking for us to validate your rude ideas.
FYI, Emily Post died in 1960.