My Bridesmaid just got engaged - now she 'can't' afford to participate in my bridal activities.

thenewgirl01 · January 2016

Hey Knotties!

One of my bridesmaids got engaged over the holiday season, but now she says she can't participate in my bachelorette party because she has to save for her own wedding (even though the rest of the party has offered to pay for her whole part). She also isn't trying to be a big part of my wedding any more, but hasn't asked to step down.

What's the right etiquette here for me? Am I in the wrong for being upset at her? Do I keep pushing for her to be part of my bridal party's activities? Should I just let her do her own thing?

Thanks for reading

santiago2615 · January 2016

"Bridal Party Activities" are NOT a thing nor are they required. If she has told you she can't afford to participate, she can't. She is only required to show up sober in her BM dress the day of the wedding.
Keep planning accordingly and if she doesn't buy her BM dress, she stepped herself down

OliveOilsMom · January 2016

Knottie1428464089 said:

Hey Knotties!

One of my bridesmaids got engaged over the holiday season, but now she says she can't participate in my bachelorette party because she has to save for her own wedding (even though the rest of the party has offered to pay for her whole part). She also isn't trying to be a big part of my wedding any more, but hasn't asked to step down.

What's the right etiquette here for me? Am I in the wrong for being upset at her? Do I keep pushing for her to be part of my bridal party's activities? Should I just let her do her own thing?

Thanks for reading

I would just let this BM do her thing. She doesn't need to do anything more than get the dress and show up to your wedding. So as long as she does that, she has completed her role in your wedding.

It natural to feel upset at someone who isn't doing what you would prefer they do. But she now has a wedding to plan as well, so remember back how daunting it felt planning this big party before you got started! She might change her mind on things once she gets a few vendors booked. So just keep the lines of friendship open, talk about both of your weddings and bounce ideas off each other!

peachy13 · January 2016

Knottie1428464089 said:

Hey Knotties!

One of my bridesmaids got engaged over the holiday season, but now she says she can't participate in my bachelorette party because she has to save for her own wedding (even though the rest of the party has offered to pay for her whole part). She also isn't trying to be a big part of my wedding any more, but hasn't asked to step down.

What's the right etiquette here for me? Am I in the wrong for being upset at her? Do I keep pushing for her to be part of my bridal party's activities? Should I just let her do her own thing?

Thanks for reading

If she can't afford the bachelorette party, she's doing the right thing by being honest with you. Not sure if I understand the bolded. What activities?

[Deleted User] · January 2016

I get you're disappointed, but just let her do her own thing. Depending on her timeline she may feel a lot of pressure.

Before we booked our venue I was hugely stressed. I was having sticker shock from the prices I was seeing, and it seemed like we should have booked our venue yesterday and that we were out of time. None of that was really in touch with reality -- we had a good budget for our expectations and we had loads of time, but it's just how it felt. For a few weeks my spare time was spent researching, going back and forth on what we wanted, and booking appointments.

If she has new financial responsibilities and can't afford your B-party, then that's that. Some people don't like their way being paid for them. She shows up and in her dress? Job done!

pinkcow13 · January 2016

It sucks that she can't participate in your bachelorette party, but that's life. To answer your questions:

- The correct etiquette is for you to do nothing. Don't ask her to step down or to participate in bridal party activities (whatever that is). Be a supportive friend, and be aware that all she's required to do is stand up next to you on your big day.
- You're not wrong in being upset. You're entitled to your feelings. You're wrong if you confront her or harass her. Let it go.
- NO you don't push her to be part of bridal party activities. Again, no idea what they are.
- Yes, you let her do her own thing. If she can be there for the bachelorette party, great! If not, bummer. You'll still have fun, I'm sure.

thenewgirl01 · January 2016

Thanks for all the responses!

For the record, by bridal party activities I meant bachelorette party and bridal shower. From my understanding, being a bridesmaid means being a part of those things especially since I have a small bridal party. Also, I didn't mean to imply that I wanted to harass or confront her or throw a fit about her engagement. Definitely not about that life. I meant more like encourage her to participate if the rest of the bridal party continued to offer to pay for her way (me included).

(By the way, my mom paid for the majority of her bridesmaid's dress. The BM only paid $20 while my mom paid $50. So at least that part is covered. The reason my mom paid is because this girl is like my sister.)

The upsetting thing is that we've all offered to pay for her to come to the bachelorette party, but she still says she can't afford it. Totally understand how stressful planning these things can be, just feels like she should be doing more to be a part of a commitment she already had before she got engaged.

Thanks for the advice, ladies!

wink0erin · January 2016

It is not required for a bridesmaid to attend the bachelorette party or bridal shower. Don't push it on her. And some people don't want others to pay their way, so don't push that either. It's nice to offer, but leave it at that.

And there is no "commitment" for a bridesmaid either, other than showing up at your wedding in their dress. That's it. That's their only required duty.

holyguacamole79 · January 2016

Knottie1428464089 said:

Thanks for all the responses!

For the record, by bridal party activities I meant bachelorette party and bridal shower. From my understanding, being a bridesmaid means being a part of those things especially since I have a small bridal party. Also, I didn't mean to imply that I wanted to harass or confront her or throw a fit about her engagement. Definitely not about that life. I meant more like encourage her to participate if the rest of the bridal party continued to offer to pay for her way (me included).

(By the way, my mom paid for the majority of her bridesmaid's dress. The BM only paid $20 while my mom paid $50. So at least that part is covered.)

The upsetting thing is that we've all offered to pay for her to come to the bachelorette party, but she still says she can't afford it. Totally understand how stressful planning these things can be, just feels like she should be doing more to be a part of a commitment she already had before she got engaged.

Thanks for the advice, ladies!

While most women will be involved with either planning or attending these events, they are certainly not required. The size of your bridal party has nothing to do with it.

That was very kind & generous of your mom to pay for most of her dress. Things like that should not come with strings attached, though.

To the second bolded, I assume the only commitment she made was to be a bridesmaid. As long as she comes to the wedding in her dress and walks down the aisle, she is honoring her commmitment.

Go easy on her.

Maggie0829 · January 2016

Knottie1428464089 said:

Thanks for all the responses!

For the record, by bridal party activities I meant bachelorette party and bridal shower. From my understanding, being a bridesmaid means being a part of those things especially since I have a small bridal party. Also, I didn't mean to imply that I wanted to harass or confront her or throw a fit about her engagement. Definitely not about that life. I meant more like encourage her to participate if the rest of the bridal party continued to offer to pay for her way (me included).

(By the way, my mom paid for the majority of her bridesmaid's dress. The BM only paid $20 while my mom paid $50. So at least that part is covered. The reason my mom paid is because this girl is like my sister.)

The upsetting thing is that we've all offered to pay for her to come to the bachelorette party, but she still says she can't afford it. Totally understand how stressful planning these things can be, just feels like she should be doing more to be a part of a commitment she already had before she got engaged.

Thanks for the advice, ladies!

Your understanding is wrong. Everything in regards to pre-wedding events are completely voluntary, even for the wedding party.

Maybe she really just can't afford to go to your bach party. Unless you are willing to fund everything for her down to a bottle of water from the local 7-11, then you need to accept that she cannot make it.

And for the second bolded. Life happens and things change. She can now not help as much as she wanted to before getting engaged. Instead of focusing on this nonsense how about you just be happy for your friend.

thenewgirl01 · January 2016

My mom paying for her dress definitely does not come with strings attached.

It was just context to give you all an idea of what she has had to pay for thus far (also not saying she should spend more on my wedding.)

thenewgirl01 · January 2016

Thank you guys for resetting my expectations about a bridesmaid's commitment.

I appreciate the empathy and understanding.

I am not going hard on her and won't. Guess I was just looking for a little validation of what I was feeling.

aurianna · January 2016

Knottie1428464089 said:

Thanks for all the responses!

For the record, by bridal party activities I meant bachelorette party and bridal shower. From my understanding, being a bridesmaid means being a part of those things especially since I have a small bridal party. Also, I didn't mean to imply that I wanted to harass or confront her or throw a fit about her engagement. Definitely not about that life. I meant more like encourage her to participate if the rest of the bridal party continued to offer to pay for her way (me included).

(By the way, my mom paid for the majority of her bridesmaid's dress. The BM only paid $20 while my mom paid $50. So at least that part is covered. The reason my mom paid is because this girl is like my sister.)

The upsetting thing is that we've all offered to pay for her to come to the bachelorette party, but she still says she can't afford it. Totally understand how stressful planning these things can be, just feels like she should be doing more to be a part of a commitment she already had before she got engaged.

Thanks for the advice, ladies!

The wedding industry tries to make it seem like bridesmaids are required to do certain things (this leads to more money being spent in the industry).
But really all a bridesmaid is required to do is get the dress and show up on time for the ceremony, relatively sober, and hopefully be pleasant in pictures.

A lot of bridesmaids try to go to showers and bach parties, and it's really nice, but it's not required and sometimes it just doesn't work.

As far as the others offering to pay for her... that's really nice. But it's possible it makes her feel very awkward. It's supposed to be a party for you, so I could see how she would feel bad if you had to pay her way.

You've made the offer. I'd leave it at that and not press.

Going forward, feel free to send her invites to events but graciously accept her decline if she declines. If she's able to make it work, then bonus!

frenchiekin · January 2016

You seem like a good friend who is coming from the right place. Yes, BMs are usually involved in planning and/or attending those events, but as PPs said, they are not required. If she can't, she can't - and you shouldn't pressure her. That is very sweet of you and the other girls to offer to pay her way for the bachelorette, but some people don't feel comfortable taking money from others. I know I'd feel like a charity case and wouldn't want to feel the guilt of not being able to pay someone back (even if they weren't expecting it). I would at least let the bach go. Lots of BMs don't make it to them for many reasons - expense, scheduling conflicts, children/family commitments, etc. I'm sure she doesn't want to miss it but feels like she needs to because of money, and that's her personal decision to make.

For the shower, hopefully she is still interested in being there, if she seemed to be before. If she can no longer contribute financially (if that was the plan), I'm sure the other hosts will be able to figure it out together.

Unless she's being a shitty friend to you - completely independent of your wedding - try to chalk this up to her having to make the best decision for herself/her FI, and not personally. If she loves you and will be at your side on your wedding day, that's all that matters.

thenewgirl01 · January 2016

Maggie0829 said:

Knottie1428464089 said:

Thanks for all the responses!

For the record, by bridal party activities I meant bachelorette party and bridal shower. From my understanding, being a bridesmaid means being a part of those things especially since I have a small bridal party. Also, I didn't mean to imply that I wanted to harass or confront her or throw a fit about her engagement. Definitely not about that life. I meant more like encourage her to participate if the rest of the bridal party continued to offer to pay for her way (me included).

(By the way, my mom paid for the majority of her bridesmaid's dress. The BM only paid $20 while my mom paid $50. So at least that part is covered. The reason my mom paid is because this girl is like my sister.)

The upsetting thing is that we've all offered to pay for her to come to the bachelorette party, but she still says she can't afford it. Totally understand how stressful planning these things can be, just feels like she should be doing more to be a part of a commitment she already had before she got engaged.

Thanks for the advice, ladies!

Your understanding is wrong. Everything in regards to pre-wedding events are completely voluntary, even for the wedding party.

Maybe she really just can't afford to go to your bach party. Unless you are willing to fund everything for her down to a bottle of water from the local 7-11, then you need to accept that she cannot make it.

And for the second bolded. Life happens and things change. She can now not help as much as she wanted to before getting engaged. Instead of focusing on this nonsense how about you just be happy for your friend.

First bolded: I get that I had the wrong expectations. Already posted that in this thread. You don't have to be rude about it, please.

Second bolded: Please understand that I'm not unhappy for her, and this isn't nonsense. She's one of my best friends; how could I not be happy for her? My feelings were hurt that she no longer can be part of this exciting time in my life, but I understand how she's now in a super exciting time herself.

I didn't come to this community to be berated about my simple question of how I should handle this situation. I came to get some real advice and understanding of how this process should work. First time planning a wedding, and I've never been a bridesmaid myself so I don't know.

holyguacamole79 · January 2016

Knottie1428464089 said:

My mom paying for her dress definitely does not come with strings attached. It was just context to give you all an idea of what she has had to pay for thus far (also not saying she should spend more on my wedding.)

Knottie1428464089 said:

Thank you guys for resetting my expectations about a bridesmaid's commitment. I appreciate the empathy and understanding.

I am not going hard on her and won't. Guess I was just looking for a little validation of what I was feeling.

Is it okay to be disappointed? Sure. Is it okay to kick her out of your party or pushing her to be more "involved? No.

Even though your friends have graciously offered to pay her way for the bachelorette party, it's okay if she can't go because she can't afford it. You don't know her private finances.

thenewgirl01 · January 2016

frenchiekin said:

You seem like a good friend who is coming from the right place. Yes, BMs are usually involved in planning and/or attending those events, but as PPs said, they are not required. If she can't, she can't - and you shouldn't pressure her. That is very sweet of you and the other girls to offer to pay her way for the bachelorette, but some people don't feel comfortable taking money from others. I know I'd feel like a charity case and wouldn't want to feel the guilt of not being able to pay someone back (even if they weren't expecting it). I would at least let the bach go. Lots of BMs don't make it to them for many reasons - expense, scheduling conflicts, children/family commitments, etc. I'm sure she doesn't want to miss it but feels like she needs to because of money, and that's her personal decision to make.

For the shower, hopefully she is still interested in being there, if she seemed to be before. If she can no longer contribute financially (if that was the plan), I'm sure the other hosts will be able to figure it out together.

Unless she's being a shitty friend to you - completely independent of your wedding - try to chalk this up to her having to make the best decision for herself/her FI, and not personally. If she loves you and will be at your side on your wedding day, that's all that matters.

Thank you

I really appreciate your understanding. I'm glad that I've been realigned in my expectations. Saves both me and her some stress down the road.

thenewgirl01 · January 2016

holyguacamole79 said:

Knottie1428464089 said:

My mom paying for her dress definitely does not come with strings attached. It was just context to give you all an idea of what she has had to pay for thus far (also not saying she should spend more on my wedding.)

Knottie1428464089 said:

Thank you guys for resetting my expectations about a bridesmaid's commitment. I appreciate the empathy and understanding.

I am not going hard on her and won't. Guess I was just looking for a little validation of what I was feeling.

Is it okay to be disappointed? Sure. Is it okay to kick her out of your party or pushing her to be more "involved? No.

Even though your friends have graciously offered to pay her way for the bachelorette party, it's okay if she can't go because she can't afford it. You don't know her private finances.

I'm not sure you've read all of my posts. I never once said I was considering kicking her out of my party. What I said was that I didn't know if she wanted to step down.

I also said instead of pushing her to be involved, I wanted more to encourage her to take our friends' generosity and offers to pay for her to participate. I am NOT trying to make her pay to be involved when she says she can't afford it.

Some other very nice PPs pointed out that she might feel bad accepting the money, and I agree with that. We will no longer offer to pay for her.

anjemon · January 2016

Knottie1428464089 said:

Thanks for all the responses!

For the record, by bridal party activities I meant bachelorette party and bridal shower. From my understanding, being a bridesmaid means being a part of those things especially since I have a small bridal party. Also, I didn't mean to imply that I wanted to harass or confront her or throw a fit about her engagement. Definitely not about that life. I meant more like encourage her to participate if the rest of the bridal party continued to offer to pay for her way (me included).

(By the way, my mom paid for the majority of her bridesmaid's dress. The BM only paid $20 while my mom paid $50. So at least that part is covered. The reason my mom paid is because this girl is like my sister.)

The upsetting thing is that we've all offered to pay for her to come to the bachelorette party, but she still says she can't afford it. Totally understand how stressful planning these things can be, just feels like she should be doing more to be a part of a commitment she already had before she got engaged.

Thanks for the advice, ladies!

I actually read that last bit totally differently, her BM backed out of the bachelorette party they were already planning when she got engaged. That was the commitment she made, that she would come to the party.

If I'm right OP, that sucks. It's hard when you've been looking forward to something and then people back out. Especially because I know I always enjoy hanging out with my closest friends.

I think PP's are on the right track, she might just be really overwhelmed and hyper focused on her wedding right now. She might change her mind when the party gets closer and she realizes she needs a break from all the stress. I wouldn't say anything to her, just let her deal with her planning and if you have the bandwidth, offer to help. I know it's been fun helping my SIL with her wedding planning since I just finished mine a short while ago.

thisismynickname2 · January 2016

And, OP, on the bright side, you can now impart your wedding wisdom to her. When my BFF got engaged the week before my own wedding, I was able to give her tons of information on various locations and vendors I'd already researched. So instead of being bummed she's less involved in your wedding (a valid feeling), you can share the engagement excitement with her!

thenewgirl01 · January 2016

anjemon said:

Knottie1428464089 said:

Thanks for all the responses!

For the record, by bridal party activities I meant bachelorette party and bridal shower. From my understanding, being a bridesmaid means being a part of those things especially since I have a small bridal party. Also, I didn't mean to imply that I wanted to harass or confront her or throw a fit about her engagement. Definitely not about that life. I meant more like encourage her to participate if the rest of the bridal party continued to offer to pay for her way (me included).

(By the way, my mom paid for the majority of her bridesmaid's dress. The BM only paid $20 while my mom paid $50. So at least that part is covered. The reason my mom paid is because this girl is like my sister.)

The upsetting thing is that we've all offered to pay for her to come to the bachelorette party, but she still says she can't afford it. Totally understand how stressful planning these things can be, just feels like she should be doing more to be a part of a commitment she already had before she got engaged.

Thanks for the advice, ladies!

I actually read that last bit totally differently, her BM backed out of the bachelorette party they were already planning when she got engaged. That was the commitment she made, that she would come to the party.

If I'm right OP, that sucks. It's hard when you've been looking forward to something and then people back out. Especially because I know I always enjoy hanging out with my closest friends.

I think PP's are on the right track, she might just be really overwhelmed and hyper focused on her wedding right now. She might change her mind when the party gets closer and she realizes she needs a break from all the stress. I wouldn't say anything to her, just let her deal with her planning and if you have the bandwidth, offer to help. I know it's been fun helping my SIL with her wedding planning since I just finished mine a short while ago.

YESSSSS THANK YOU.

Maggie0829 · January 2016

Knottie1428464089 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Knottie1428464089 said:

Thanks for all the responses!

For the record, by bridal party activities I meant bachelorette party and bridal shower. From my understanding, being a bridesmaid means being a part of those things especially since I have a small bridal party. Also, I didn't mean to imply that I wanted to harass or confront her or throw a fit about her engagement. Definitely not about that life. I meant more like encourage her to participate if the rest of the bridal party continued to offer to pay for her way (me included).

(By the way, my mom paid for the majority of her bridesmaid's dress. The BM only paid $20 while my mom paid $50. So at least that part is covered. The reason my mom paid is because this girl is like my sister.)

The upsetting thing is that we've all offered to pay for her to come to the bachelorette party, but she still says she can't afford it. Totally understand how stressful planning these things can be, just feels like she should be doing more to be a part of a commitment she already had before she got engaged.

Thanks for the advice, ladies!

Your understanding is wrong. Everything in regards to pre-wedding events are completely voluntary, even for the wedding party.

Maybe she really just can't afford to go to your bach party. Unless you are willing to fund everything for her down to a bottle of water from the local 7-11, then you need to accept that she cannot make it.

And for the second bolded. Life happens and things change. She can now not help as much as she wanted to before getting engaged. Instead of focusing on this nonsense how about you just be happy for your friend.

First bolded: I get that I had the wrong expectations. Already posted that in this thread. You don't have to be rude about it, please.

Second bolded: Please understand that I'm not unhappy for her, and this isn't nonsense. She's one of my best friends; how could I not be happy for her? My feelings were hurt that she no longer can be part of this exciting time in my life, but I understand how she's now in a super exciting time herself.

I didn't come to this community to be berated about my simple question of how I should handle this situation. I came to get some real advice and understanding of how this process should work. First time planning a wedding, and I've never been a bridesmaid myself so I don't know.

How was I rude about it. I just said you were wrong. So is telling someone that their thinking is wrong rude now?

And yes, it is nonsense. It is just a party. It isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things. She will be at your wedding which is the most important thing. And yes she can still be a part of this exciting time in your life. She just can't be as involved as she originally wanted to be. You will still talk to her right? Hell you are both getting married now, you can talk wedding all damn day long.

If you think my post was berating then I think you need to get a thicker skin if you plan on posting on public forums. Because my post was anything but. And I did offer real advice.

horriblegb · January 2016

FWIW, late to the party, when I asked one of my BMs to stand with me she said I would love to, but I can already tell you I cannot afford to come to any of the parties, if that is ok with you. Of course it is ok! Do I wish she could be there, of course. But that is not why I asked her.

holyguacamole79 · January 2016

Knottie1428464089 said:

holyguacamole79 said:

Knottie1428464089 said:

My mom paying for her dress definitely does not come with strings attached. It was just context to give you all an idea of what she has had to pay for thus far (also not saying she should spend more on my wedding.)

Knottie1428464089 said:

Thank you guys for resetting my expectations about a bridesmaid's commitment. I appreciate the empathy and understanding.

I am not going hard on her and won't. Guess I was just looking for a little validation of what I was feeling.

Is it okay to be disappointed? Sure. Is it okay to kick her out of your party or pushing her to be more "involved? No.

Even though your friends have graciously offered to pay her way for the bachelorette party, it's okay if she can't go because she can't afford it. You don't know her private finances.

I'm not sure you've read all of my posts. I never once said I was considering kicking her out of my party. What I said was that I didn't know if she wanted to step down.

I also said instead of pushing her to be involved, I wanted more to encourage her to take our friends' generosity and offers to pay for her to participate. I am NOT trying to make her pay to be involved when she says she can't afford it.

Some other very nice PPs pointed out that she might feel bad accepting the money, and I agree with that. We will no longer offer to pay for her.

The thing is .... even if friends pay, there are still costs associated with it. You say she declined because she's saving for her wedding. It could be possible that attending your party would involve missing work, which would prevent her from earning money she needs for her wedding. (I honestly have no idea what kind of bachelorette party is planned here .... am just guessing).

thenewgirl01 · January 2016

Maggie0829 said:

Knottie1428464089 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Knottie1428464089 said:

Thanks for all the responses!

For the record, by bridal party activities I meant bachelorette party and bridal shower. From my understanding, being a bridesmaid means being a part of those things especially since I have a small bridal party. Also, I didn't mean to imply that I wanted to harass or confront her or throw a fit about her engagement. Definitely not about that life. I meant more like encourage her to participate if the rest of the bridal party continued to offer to pay for her way (me included).

(By the way, my mom paid for the majority of her bridesmaid's dress. The BM only paid $20 while my mom paid $50. So at least that part is covered. The reason my mom paid is because this girl is like my sister.)

The upsetting thing is that we've all offered to pay for her to come to the bachelorette party, but she still says she can't afford it. Totally understand how stressful planning these things can be, just feels like she should be doing more to be a part of a commitment she already had before she got engaged.

Thanks for the advice, ladies!

Your understanding is wrong. Everything in regards to pre-wedding events are completely voluntary, even for the wedding party.

Maybe she really just can't afford to go to your bach party. Unless you are willing to fund everything for her down to a bottle of water from the local 7-11, then you need to accept that she cannot make it.

And for the second bolded. Life happens and things change. She can now not help as much as she wanted to before getting engaged. Instead of focusing on this nonsense how about you just be happy for your friend.

First bolded: I get that I had the wrong expectations. Already posted that in this thread. You don't have to be rude about it, please.

Second bolded: Please understand that I'm not unhappy for her, and this isn't nonsense. She's one of my best friends; how could I not be happy for her? My feelings were hurt that she no longer can be part of this exciting time in my life, but I understand how she's now in a super exciting time herself.

I didn't come to this community to be berated about my simple question of how I should handle this situation. I came to get some real advice and understanding of how this process should work. First time planning a wedding, and I've never been a bridesmaid myself so I don't know.

How was I rude about it. I just said you were wrong. So is telling someone that their thinking is wrong rude now?

And yes, it is nonsense. It is just a party. It isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things. She will be at your wedding which is the most important thing. And yes she can still be a part of this exciting time in your life. She just can't be as involved as she originally wanted to be. You will still talk to her right? Hell you are both getting married now, you can talk wedding all damn day long.

If you think my post was berating then I think you need to get a thicker skin if you plan on posting on public forums. Because my post was anything but. And I did offer real advice.

First bolded: Try reading your post from my perspective. You're definitely being a little aggressive, especially after I've already conceited that my understanding of bridesmaid expectations was wrong. I know I was wrong. I said that. You could be a little more tactful and a tad more polite to others, especially since no tone comes across over forums like this.

Your post is acting like I'm a terrible friend for feeling the way I was feeling, which is completely incorrect, and that is where the negativity comes across.

Second: You are completely right. I'm very excited to have her stand up by me on my wedding day!

Third: I have plenty a thick skin. Maybe you should consider how your posts come off to others. Thank you for your advice

Have a lovely day!

thenewgirl01 · January 2016

holyguacamole79 said:

Knottie1428464089 said:

holyguacamole79 said:

Knottie1428464089 said:

My mom paying for her dress definitely does not come with strings attached. It was just context to give you all an idea of what she has had to pay for thus far (also not saying she should spend more on my wedding.)

Knottie1428464089 said:

Thank you guys for resetting my expectations about a bridesmaid's commitment. I appreciate the empathy and understanding.

I am not going hard on her and won't. Guess I was just looking for a little validation of what I was feeling.

Is it okay to be disappointed? Sure. Is it okay to kick her out of your party or pushing her to be more "involved? No.

Even though your friends have graciously offered to pay her way for the bachelorette party, it's okay if she can't go because she can't afford it. You don't know her private finances.

I'm not sure you've read all of my posts. I never once said I was considering kicking her out of my party. What I said was that I didn't know if she wanted to step down.

I also said instead of pushing her to be involved, I wanted more to encourage her to take our friends' generosity and offers to pay for her to participate. I am NOT trying to make her pay to be involved when she says she can't afford it.

Some other very nice PPs pointed out that she might feel bad accepting the money, and I agree with that. We will no longer offer to pay for her.

The thing is .... even if friends pay, there are still costs associated with it. You say she declined because she's saving for her wedding. It could be possible that attending your party would involve missing work, which would prevent her from earning money she needs for her wedding. (I honestly have no idea what kind of bachelorette party is planned here .... am just guessing).

You have a good point. There's no way for you to know, but our plans were already planned around her work schedule, so she wouldn't have missed work.

Oh well. PPs are right that it doesn't matter in the long run as long as she stands up at the wedding. I'll stop worrying about it.

Maggie0829 · January 2016

Knottie1428464089 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Knottie1428464089 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Knottie1428464089 said:

Thanks for all the responses!

For the record, by bridal party activities I meant bachelorette party and bridal shower. From my understanding, being a bridesmaid means being a part of those things especially since I have a small bridal party. Also, I didn't mean to imply that I wanted to harass or confront her or throw a fit about her engagement. Definitely not about that life. I meant more like encourage her to participate if the rest of the bridal party continued to offer to pay for her way (me included).

(By the way, my mom paid for the majority of her bridesmaid's dress. The BM only paid $20 while my mom paid $50. So at least that part is covered. The reason my mom paid is because this girl is like my sister.)

The upsetting thing is that we've all offered to pay for her to come to the bachelorette party, but she still says she can't afford it. Totally understand how stressful planning these things can be, just feels like she should be doing more to be a part of a commitment she already had before she got engaged.

Thanks for the advice, ladies!

Your understanding is wrong. Everything in regards to pre-wedding events are completely voluntary, even for the wedding party.

Maybe she really just can't afford to go to your bach party. Unless you are willing to fund everything for her down to a bottle of water from the local 7-11, then you need to accept that she cannot make it.

And for the second bolded. Life happens and things change. She can now not help as much as she wanted to before getting engaged. Instead of focusing on this nonsense how about you just be happy for your friend.

First bolded: I get that I had the wrong expectations. Already posted that in this thread. You don't have to be rude about it, please.

Second bolded: Please understand that I'm not unhappy for her, and this isn't nonsense. She's one of my best friends; how could I not be happy for her? My feelings were hurt that she no longer can be part of this exciting time in my life, but I understand how she's now in a super exciting time herself.

I didn't come to this community to be berated about my simple question of how I should handle this situation. I came to get some real advice and understanding of how this process should work. First time planning a wedding, and I've never been a bridesmaid myself so I don't know.

How was I rude about it. I just said you were wrong. So is telling someone that their thinking is wrong rude now?

And yes, it is nonsense. It is just a party. It isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things. She will be at your wedding which is the most important thing. And yes she can still be a part of this exciting time in your life. She just can't be as involved as she originally wanted to be. You will still talk to her right? Hell you are both getting married now, you can talk wedding all damn day long.

If you think my post was berating then I think you need to get a thicker skin if you plan on posting on public forums. Because my post was anything but. And I did offer real advice.

First bolded: Try reading your post from my perspective. You're definitely being a little aggressive, especially after I've already conceited that my understanding of bridesmaid expectations was wrong. I know I was wrong. I said that. You could be a little more tactful and a tad more polite to others, especially since no tone comes across over forums like this.

Your post is acting like I'm a terrible friend for feeling the way I was feeling, which is completely incorrect, and that is where the negativity comes across.

Second: You are completely right. I'm very excited to have her stand up by me on my wedding day!

Third: I have plenty a thick skin. Maybe you should consider how your posts come off to others. Thank you for your advice Have a lovely day!

You are the one putting any sort of rude tone to my post. My post was written in a neutral manner.

My second post? Sure I was being a bit aggressive because you were basically saying that I was being rude when I wasn't.

Look, not everyone will respond to you the way you want them to. Some are more blunt then others. But my first post was in no way rude or berating. I was saying the same damn things everyone else was but I was the one you called out.

thenewgirl01 · January 2016

Maggie0829 said:

Knottie1428464089 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Knottie1428464089 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Knottie1428464089 said:

Thanks for all the responses!

For the record, by bridal party activities I meant bachelorette party and bridal shower. From my understanding, being a bridesmaid means being a part of those things especially since I have a small bridal party. Also, I didn't mean to imply that I wanted to harass or confront her or throw a fit about her engagement. Definitely not about that life. I meant more like encourage her to participate if the rest of the bridal party continued to offer to pay for her way (me included).

(By the way, my mom paid for the majority of her bridesmaid's dress. The BM only paid $20 while my mom paid $50. So at least that part is covered. The reason my mom paid is because this girl is like my sister.)

The upsetting thing is that we've all offered to pay for her to come to the bachelorette party, but she still says she can't afford it. Totally understand how stressful planning these things can be, just feels like she should be doing more to be a part of a commitment she already had before she got engaged.

Thanks for the advice, ladies!

Your understanding is wrong. Everything in regards to pre-wedding events are completely voluntary, even for the wedding party.

Maybe she really just can't afford to go to your bach party. Unless you are willing to fund everything for her down to a bottle of water from the local 7-11, then you need to accept that she cannot make it.

And for the second bolded. Life happens and things change. She can now not help as much as she wanted to before getting engaged. Instead of focusing on this nonsense how about you just be happy for your friend.

First bolded: I get that I had the wrong expectations. Already posted that in this thread. You don't have to be rude about it, please.

Second bolded: Please understand that I'm not unhappy for her, and this isn't nonsense. She's one of my best friends; how could I not be happy for her? My feelings were hurt that she no longer can be part of this exciting time in my life, but I understand how she's now in a super exciting time herself.

I didn't come to this community to be berated about my simple question of how I should handle this situation. I came to get some real advice and understanding of how this process should work. First time planning a wedding, and I've never been a bridesmaid myself so I don't know.

How was I rude about it. I just said you were wrong. So is telling someone that their thinking is wrong rude now?

And yes, it is nonsense. It is just a party. It isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things. She will be at your wedding which is the most important thing. And yes she can still be a part of this exciting time in your life. She just can't be as involved as she originally wanted to be. You will still talk to her right? Hell you are both getting married now, you can talk wedding all damn day long.

If you think my post was berating then I think you need to get a thicker skin if you plan on posting on public forums. Because my post was anything but. And I did offer real advice.

First bolded: Try reading your post from my perspective. You're definitely being a little aggressive, especially after I've already conceited that my understanding of bridesmaid expectations was wrong. I know I was wrong. I said that. You could be a little more tactful and a tad more polite to others, especially since no tone comes across over forums like this.

Your post is acting like I'm a terrible friend for feeling the way I was feeling, which is completely incorrect, and that is where the negativity comes across.

Second: You are completely right. I'm very excited to have her stand up by me on my wedding day!

Third: I have plenty a thick skin. Maybe you should consider how your posts come off to others. Thank you for your advice Have a lovely day!

You are the one putting any sort of rude tone to my post. My post was written in a neutral manner.

My second post? Sure I was being a bit aggressive because you were basically saying that I was being rude when I wasn't.

Look, not everyone will respond to you the way you want them to. Some are more blunt then others. But my first post was in no way rude or berating. I was saying the same damn things everyone else was but I was the one you called out.

Okay, thank you! I appreciate your contributions. Have a lovely day

holyguacamole79 · January 2016

Knottie1428464089, lurk a bit longer. You'll get to see that Maggie's tone is quite common on these boards.

Maggie0829 · January 2016

Knottie1428464089 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Knottie1428464089 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Knottie1428464089 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Knottie1428464089 said:

Thanks for all the responses!

For the record, by bridal party activities I meant bachelorette party and bridal shower. From my understanding, being a bridesmaid means being a part of those things especially since I have a small bridal party. Also, I didn't mean to imply that I wanted to harass or confront her or throw a fit about her engagement. Definitely not about that life. I meant more like encourage her to participate if the rest of the bridal party continued to offer to pay for her way (me included).

(By the way, my mom paid for the majority of her bridesmaid's dress. The BM only paid $20 while my mom paid $50. So at least that part is covered. The reason my mom paid is because this girl is like my sister.)

The upsetting thing is that we've all offered to pay for her to come to the bachelorette party, but she still says she can't afford it. Totally understand how stressful planning these things can be, just feels like she should be doing more to be a part of a commitment she already had before she got engaged.

Thanks for the advice, ladies!

Your understanding is wrong. Everything in regards to pre-wedding events are completely voluntary, even for the wedding party.

Maybe she really just can't afford to go to your bach party. Unless you are willing to fund everything for her down to a bottle of water from the local 7-11, then you need to accept that she cannot make it.

And for the second bolded. Life happens and things change. She can now not help as much as she wanted to before getting engaged. Instead of focusing on this nonsense how about you just be happy for your friend.

First bolded: I get that I had the wrong expectations. Already posted that in this thread. You don't have to be rude about it, please.

Second bolded: Please understand that I'm not unhappy for her, and this isn't nonsense. She's one of my best friends; how could I not be happy for her? My feelings were hurt that she no longer can be part of this exciting time in my life, but I understand how she's now in a super exciting time herself.

I didn't come to this community to be berated about my simple question of how I should handle this situation. I came to get some real advice and understanding of how this process should work. First time planning a wedding, and I've never been a bridesmaid myself so I don't know.

How was I rude about it. I just said you were wrong. So is telling someone that their thinking is wrong rude now?

And yes, it is nonsense. It is just a party. It isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things. She will be at your wedding which is the most important thing. And yes she can still be a part of this exciting time in your life. She just can't be as involved as she originally wanted to be. You will still talk to her right? Hell you are both getting married now, you can talk wedding all damn day long.

If you think my post was berating then I think you need to get a thicker skin if you plan on posting on public forums. Because my post was anything but. And I did offer real advice.

First bolded: Try reading your post from my perspective. You're definitely being a little aggressive, especially after I've already conceited that my understanding of bridesmaid expectations was wrong. I know I was wrong. I said that. You could be a little more tactful and a tad more polite to others, especially since no tone comes across over forums like this.

Your post is acting like I'm a terrible friend for feeling the way I was feeling, which is completely incorrect, and that is where the negativity comes across.

Second: You are completely right. I'm very excited to have her stand up by me on my wedding day!

Third: I have plenty a thick skin. Maybe you should consider how your posts come off to others. Thank you for your advice Have a lovely day!

You are the one putting any sort of rude tone to my post. My post was written in a neutral manner.

My second post? Sure I was being a bit aggressive because you were basically saying that I was being rude when I wasn't.

Look, not everyone will respond to you the way you want them to. Some are more blunt then others. But my first post was in no way rude or berating. I was saying the same damn things everyone else was but I was the one you called out.

Okay, thank you! I appreciate your contributions. Have a lovely day

I feel like I just got "oh bless your hearted."

thenewgirl01 · January 2016

holyguacamole79 said:

Knottie1428464089, lurk a bit longer. You'll get to see that Maggie's tone is quite common on these boards.

Hahaha will do

My Bridesmaid just got engaged - now she 'can't' afford to participate in my bridal activities.

Re: My Bridesmaid just got engaged - now she 'can't' afford to participate in my bridal activities.

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