My Bridesmaid just got engaged - now she 'can't' afford to participate in my bridal activities.

thenewgirl01 · January 2016

Maggie0829 said:

Knottie1428464089 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Knottie1428464089 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Knottie1428464089 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Knottie1428464089 said:

Thanks for all the responses!

For the record, by bridal party activities I meant bachelorette party and bridal shower. From my understanding, being a bridesmaid means being a part of those things especially since I have a small bridal party. Also, I didn't mean to imply that I wanted to harass or confront her or throw a fit about her engagement. Definitely not about that life. I meant more like encourage her to participate if the rest of the bridal party continued to offer to pay for her way (me included).

(By the way, my mom paid for the majority of her bridesmaid's dress. The BM only paid $20 while my mom paid $50. So at least that part is covered. The reason my mom paid is because this girl is like my sister.)

The upsetting thing is that we've all offered to pay for her to come to the bachelorette party, but she still says she can't afford it. Totally understand how stressful planning these things can be, just feels like she should be doing more to be a part of a commitment she already had before she got engaged.

Thanks for the advice, ladies!

Your understanding is wrong. Everything in regards to pre-wedding events are completely voluntary, even for the wedding party.

Maybe she really just can't afford to go to your bach party. Unless you are willing to fund everything for her down to a bottle of water from the local 7-11, then you need to accept that she cannot make it.

And for the second bolded. Life happens and things change. She can now not help as much as she wanted to before getting engaged. Instead of focusing on this nonsense how about you just be happy for your friend.

First bolded: I get that I had the wrong expectations. Already posted that in this thread. You don't have to be rude about it, please.

Second bolded: Please understand that I'm not unhappy for her, and this isn't nonsense. She's one of my best friends; how could I not be happy for her? My feelings were hurt that she no longer can be part of this exciting time in my life, but I understand how she's now in a super exciting time herself.

I didn't come to this community to be berated about my simple question of how I should handle this situation. I came to get some real advice and understanding of how this process should work. First time planning a wedding, and I've never been a bridesmaid myself so I don't know.

How was I rude about it. I just said you were wrong. So is telling someone that their thinking is wrong rude now?

And yes, it is nonsense. It is just a party. It isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things. She will be at your wedding which is the most important thing. And yes she can still be a part of this exciting time in your life. She just can't be as involved as she originally wanted to be. You will still talk to her right? Hell you are both getting married now, you can talk wedding all damn day long.

If you think my post was berating then I think you need to get a thicker skin if you plan on posting on public forums. Because my post was anything but. And I did offer real advice.

First bolded: Try reading your post from my perspective. You're definitely being a little aggressive, especially after I've already conceited that my understanding of bridesmaid expectations was wrong. I know I was wrong. I said that. You could be a little more tactful and a tad more polite to others, especially since no tone comes across over forums like this.

Your post is acting like I'm a terrible friend for feeling the way I was feeling, which is completely incorrect, and that is where the negativity comes across.

Second: You are completely right. I'm very excited to have her stand up by me on my wedding day!

Third: I have plenty a thick skin. Maybe you should consider how your posts come off to others. Thank you for your advice Have a lovely day!

You are the one putting any sort of rude tone to my post. My post was written in a neutral manner.

My second post? Sure I was being a bit aggressive because you were basically saying that I was being rude when I wasn't.

Look, not everyone will respond to you the way you want them to. Some are more blunt then others. But my first post was in no way rude or berating. I was saying the same damn things everyone else was but I was the one you called out.

Okay, thank you! I appreciate your contributions. Have a lovely day

I feel like I just got "oh bless your hearted."

drunkenwitch · January 2016

Little piece of advice, if you are going to internet, you have to grow a thicker skin.

charlotte989875 · January 2016

So I know I'm tardy to the party here, but I couldn't help but say one of the reasons people are straightforward and blunt is because if you were to express these sentiments, in this way, to your friend it can have lasting effects on your relationship.

For example I was in two weddings this year, after my own and I could not attend either shower as I live roughly 800 miles away from friends and family. With my "best friend", when I told her I couldn't make her shower she flipped out on me. Told me I was a bad friend and bridesmaid and after everything she did for my shower I should try harder to be there. She said a lot of hurtful things that I don't know ill ever get over. Our relationship will never be like it was. I also missed my sisters shower and you know what she said "oh I never expected you to make it. I love you and I'll miss you but I know how hard and expensive it is for you and H to come home". That was it.

Moral of my stories? It's ok to be disappointed she's not there or not excited, but heed the advice from other PPs and let it go. If this woman is close enough to be in your wedding you don't want to ruin that by saying and doing things that will change that relationship irrevocably.

nerdwife · January 2016

Maggie0829 said:

Knottie1428464089 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Knottie1428464089 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Knottie1428464089 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Knottie1428464089 said:

Thanks for all the responses!

For the record, by bridal party activities I meant bachelorette party and bridal shower. From my understanding, being a bridesmaid means being a part of those things especially since I have a small bridal party. Also, I didn't mean to imply that I wanted to harass or confront her or throw a fit about her engagement. Definitely not about that life. I meant more like encourage her to participate if the rest of the bridal party continued to offer to pay for her way (me included).

(By the way, my mom paid for the majority of her bridesmaid's dress. The BM only paid $20 while my mom paid $50. So at least that part is covered. The reason my mom paid is because this girl is like my sister.)

The upsetting thing is that we've all offered to pay for her to come to the bachelorette party, but she still says she can't afford it. Totally understand how stressful planning these things can be, just feels like she should be doing more to be a part of a commitment she already had before she got engaged.

Thanks for the advice, ladies!

Your understanding is wrong. Everything in regards to pre-wedding events are completely voluntary, even for the wedding party.

Maybe she really just can't afford to go to your bach party. Unless you are willing to fund everything for her down to a bottle of water from the local 7-11, then you need to accept that she cannot make it.

And for the second bolded. Life happens and things change. She can now not help as much as she wanted to before getting engaged. Instead of focusing on this nonsense how about you just be happy for your friend.

First bolded: I get that I had the wrong expectations. Already posted that in this thread. You don't have to be rude about it, please.

Second bolded: Please understand that I'm not unhappy for her, and this isn't nonsense. She's one of my best friends; how could I not be happy for her? My feelings were hurt that she no longer can be part of this exciting time in my life, but I understand how she's now in a super exciting time herself.

I didn't come to this community to be berated about my simple question of how I should handle this situation. I came to get some real advice and understanding of how this process should work. First time planning a wedding, and I've never been a bridesmaid myself so I don't know.

How was I rude about it. I just said you were wrong. So is telling someone that their thinking is wrong rude now?

And yes, it is nonsense. It is just a party. It isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things. She will be at your wedding which is the most important thing. And yes she can still be a part of this exciting time in your life. She just can't be as involved as she originally wanted to be. You will still talk to her right? Hell you are both getting married now, you can talk wedding all damn day long.

If you think my post was berating then I think you need to get a thicker skin if you plan on posting on public forums. Because my post was anything but. And I did offer real advice.

First bolded: Try reading your post from my perspective. You're definitely being a little aggressive, especially after I've already conceited that my understanding of bridesmaid expectations was wrong. I know I was wrong. I said that. You could be a little more tactful and a tad more polite to others, especially since no tone comes across over forums like this.

Your post is acting like I'm a terrible friend for feeling the way I was feeling, which is completely incorrect, and that is where the negativity comes across.

Second: You are completely right. I'm very excited to have her stand up by me on my wedding day!

Third: I have plenty a thick skin. Maybe you should consider how your posts come off to others. Thank you for your advice Have a lovely day!

You are the one putting any sort of rude tone to my post. My post was written in a neutral manner.

My second post? Sure I was being a bit aggressive because you were basically saying that I was being rude when I wasn't.

Look, not everyone will respond to you the way you want them to. Some are more blunt then others. But my first post was in no way rude or berating. I was saying the same damn things everyone else was but I was the one you called out.

Okay, thank you! I appreciate your contributions. Have a lovely day

I feel like I just got "oh bless your hearted."

I CANNOT STAND THE CONSTANT SMILEYS IN RESPONSE TO YOU, especially when it is so passive aggressive. I think it's my least favorite thing that people do on these boards - and that is really saying something.

Maggie0829 · January 2016

nerdwife said:

I CANNOT STAND THE CONSTANT SMILEYS IN RESPONSE TO YOU, especially when it is so passive aggressive. I think it's my least favorite thing that people do on these boards - and that is really saying something.

@nerdwife - Agreed. I also hate when people constantly use "LOL" when it is so obviously not funny but rather it is their way to turn a bitchy comment into something that is "light and joking" when we all know it isn't.

nerdwife · January 2016

Maggie0829 said:

nerdwife said:

I CANNOT STAND THE CONSTANT SMILEYS IN RESPONSE TO YOU, especially when it is so passive aggressive. I think it's my least favorite thing that people do on these boards - and that is really saying something.

@nerdwife - Agreed. I also hate when people constantly use "LOL" when it is so obviously not funny but rather it is their way to turn a bitchy comment into something that is "light and joking" when we all know it isn't.

LOL that is so nice that you think that, but this is just your opinion, and since this is MY DAY and NO ONE ELSE'S DAY, not even my FI's day, I will definitely be doing what I can afford, and that is NOT an open bar or a reception for all guests. LOL I guess you are just rich!

lembaslover · January 2016

OP I'm glad you've changed your mind on what you expect, I think a lot of us were in your position where we were told for years about the "expectations" for bridesmaids and then realizing that it's wrong can be hard for some people but I think you took it well. However you don't need to be passive aggressive with smileys and "have a nice day". No one was rude to you, that is the typical tone for these boards and people are just trying to offer the advice you asked for.

Just for lurkers I want to add that things like getting engaged or other life events can really change your finances and sometimes you have to make choices for your life which mean you can't do as much for friends or other people as you would like. This is why weddings are not tit-for-tat. You might throw someone an awesome party but when it's your turn maybe that person isn't able to return it because they are buying a house or their husband lost their job, or they've just had a baby... Be excited for your friend and let them join in on what they feel they can. Also it's not always about money, personally I'd feel really uncomfortable going to a party where other people paid my way so if you want to offer to pay for them it's ok but don't be upset and say that they are being terrible friends when they still decline. Keep in mind it probably hurts them a lot to say no but they have to do what is right for them.

pinkcow13 · January 2016

Well I'm glad you have a good attitude about this. For what it's worth, one of my BM's told me she felt that she would need to back out of my wedding because she couldn't afford it. She just had her 3rd baby in January, and my wedding was last May. I told her that she absolutely did not need to feel as if she needed to go to the Bachelorette party or bridal shower. I told her that the most important thing was just that she was in my wedding party. I also offered to pay for her dress. In the end, she made it work with her husband. My point is, you never know. She may end up being able to partake in the bachelorette party after all!

mntravelingmama · January 2016

I don't understand the bachelorette "thing". It would be very low on my priority list.

lyndausvi · January 2016

Knottie1445734248 said:

I don't understand the bachelorette "thing". It would be very low on my priority list.

I have to wonder if it's destination b-party or something more than just a bunch of girls meeting at a local place for dinner and drinks?

I'm happy to say all the b-parties I went to were not budget buster, multiple day events. They were simply a bunch of girls going out locally. Biggest splurge was a car service.

blueeyedkat · January 2016

Guess I'm late to the party too. But I just want to add, that yes, it's fine to feel the way you feel. Just don't take it out on your friend. It's possible something else is going on other than the engagement, but it still sucks that she cancelled on the event when she committed to it beforehand. But hey, life happens, plans change, and unfortunately things come up and we have to cancel.

I personally don't understand the bachelor/bachelorette stuff...I mean, it feels so outdated. If I want to hang out with a group of my girlfriends, then we make plans and hang out, it doesn't have to be pre-wedding specific. My friend wanted to throw one, but I pretty much said I'd like it to be a joint party, my FH also wanted a joint one, so it's like a nice, small get together with awesome friends.

And as someone else said, the wedding industry tries really hard to get you to spend $$$. Even the pre-wedding stuff: get dolled up for the bachelorette party, get those sparkly bride crowns, and a crappy veil, hire limos, expect to go out and drink and party like you're 21 and just hitting the clubs for the first time. Guys are supposed to get strippers, go out, party, and you know "What happens in vegas stays in vegas" bs (hello tourist industry cashing in on the wedding as well).

tigerlily6 · January 2016

As a bridesmaid who is also a soon-to-be bride, I know finances got super real super quick once we got engaged. And not just wedding stuff, either. Mostly, in fact, it was the realization that we're not just living the single, casual lifestyle anymore. Savings for an emergency fund, for a house, for our future family that we want to have, all of a sudden stopped being hypothetical daydreams and became pressing realities.

I was really, really looking forward to going to my good friend's bachelorette party, but decided shortly before it that I could not make it due to expense and time conflict. If your friend is a good friend, I am sure she still supports you and is sorry to have to dial back some of her involvement. But I bet she's still pretty excited to be there on your big day.

My Bridesmaid just got engaged - now she 'can't' afford to participate in my bridal activities.

Re: My Bridesmaid just got engaged - now she 'can't' afford to participate in my bridal activities.

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