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Help with bridal party!

Knottie1428553905Knottie1428553905 member
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in Wedding Party
Well ladies... I need help with my bridal party.

When I think of who I want to be by my side when I get married, one of the people I immediately think of is one of my best friends (we will call her A). A and I have been friends for 8 years. I really want to ask A to be a bridesmaid and I know that she would say yes. However, A is a lesbian and I know that she won't wear a dress which I wouldn't force her to wear a dress, I'd let her wear a cute suit or shirt & tie or something, but I know she would feel out of place if she was the only one NOT wearing a dress. Also, she hates almost everything that is stereotypically girly.

Long story short, how can I ensure that A is a special person in my wedding without her feeling obligated to participate in anything that is really girly?
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Re: Help with bridal party!

  • HeffalumpHeffalump member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    I'm sure that she's been at other events where some people around her were wearing dresses and she (and others) weren't.  Your wedding will just be one more of those.

    RiaLovesChris said:
    Long story short, how can I ensure that A is a special person in my wedding without her feeling obligated to participate in anything that is really girly?
    No one in the BP is obligated to participate in anything.  Even if you decided to get mani/pedis and facials while sipping mimosas, eating macarons, and listening to Taylor Swift, any of your BMs would be welcome to participate or decline, regardless of sexual orientation.

    I mean this in the nicest way, but you're overthinking this.  Ask her to be a bridesmaid.  Have her stand up with you, in whatever she feels comfortable wearing.  Let all of your BP join in whatever events they like.  Have a good time.  The end.

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  • lembasloverlembaslover member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    Ask her, let her wear what she wants. If she feels bad that everyone else is in dresses it's her choice she can choose to wear a dress if she wants, if she doesn't want to then it's fine and it's her choice. If something is too girly for her then let her decide not to do it and don't worry about it. If you feel like you don't see her enough then just hang out the two of you like I assume you did before you were engaged as you say she is one of your best friends.
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
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    If you are truly concerned with how she may feel, then have your WP wear whatever they want in x color.  Just ask that they match the formality of the wedding.  "Friends, you know we are getting married at the country club, so please just buy any outfit in x color that you feel will be appropriate for the country club.  I trust all of your judgments on outfit choices."  It would probably be easiest for all of your WP member is you choose a neutral, like navy, black, or gray.  You could them incorporate other colors through their flowers.

    Having each WP member in mis-matched but color coordinated outfits may not make your friend "stand out" as much.  If your friend does decide to wear a suit, I would ask her if she would prefer a bouquet or a bout.

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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    OliveOilsMom said:

    If you are truly concerned with how she may feel, then have your WP wear whatever they want in x color.  Just ask that they match the formality of the wedding.  "Friends, you know we are getting married at the country club, so please just buy any outfit in x color that you feel will be appropriate for the country club.  I trust all of your judgments on outfit choices."  It would probably be easiest for all of your WP member is you choose a neutral, like navy, black, or gray.  You could them incorporate other colors through their flowers.

    Having each WP member in mis-matched but color coordinated outfits may not make your friend "stand out" as much.  If your friend does decide to wear a suit, I would ask her if she would prefer a bouquet or a bout.


    I was once a groomswoman.  I wore a dress, but stood on the groom's side.  We had pin-on corsages, kind of like the guy's bouts but with a ribbon and baby's breath instead of just a rose.  The bridemaid's had bouquets.
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  • geebee908geebee908 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    lc07 said:
    reason 1839 to just have the wedding party dress themselves like all of the rest of the guests do. I can't for the life of me figure out why we care about what the wedding party wears. Or why it's okay to dictate their attire and not other guests attire. OP, just let your wedding party dress themselves. 
    Yes, this. So much this. No one stands out if no one has to match in any way. One less thing for you to have to stress about. Then you get her a bouquet or bout as she chooses.
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  • Knottie1428553905Knottie1428553905 member
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    Thank you so much ladies! I probably just was overthinking things. We're going out later this week and I'm going to ask her then.
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  • Knottie1428553905Knottie1428553905 member
    First Comment
    artbyallie said:
    What does her sexuality have to do with any of this? There are straight women in the world who don't like wearing dresses. And what makes something 'girly' anyway? Please drop the stereotyping.

    "A, I would love to have you by my side on my wedding day. Will you stand up in my wedding party?"

    That is all you have to say. Should she express concern about attire or anything else, "I just want you to be there and be comfortable and be you. That's all you need to do." Which, btw, should apply to all your wedding party. It's supposed to be an honor, not an obligation. They are in no way required to throw parties or do anything except walk down the aisle in the chosen attire and smile for pictures.
    I pointed out her sexuality to give context on why she may feel uncomfortable wearing a dress. I understand that there are straight women in the world who don't like wearing dresses. I also understand that my friend is one of many lesbians who have gotten criticized for the way that they look/dress/act. I'm not being insensitive or stereotypical... just giving context as to why my friend may object to wearing a dress.

    I also don't expect my bridesmaids to do anything except support me emotionally throughout this planning process and my wedding day. Which is why it was very important for me that "A" be by my side throughout this without feeling obligated to do anything that she was uncomfortable with...
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  • Knottie1428553905Knottie1428553905 member
    First Comment
    JediElizabeth said:
    We LGBTIQQ people often feel out of place. It can be weird when you're the only one dancing with another woman, or the only feminine person wearing a suit, or whatever it is. But we choose what situations we put ourselves into. I would be be furious if a good friend told me she hadn't included me in a part of her wedding because she wanted me in because she thought I would be uncomfortable because of my sexuality or gender expression. (I'm bi, and somewhat more on the femme side, though I fluctuate with mood.) Let HER make those choices. All you should do is let her know you want her to be there.
    I never wanted to leave her out or intended to leave her out. I honestly think I'm just soooo over the word "bridesmaid". I'm just going to ask everyone to be a part of my bridal party and limit the use of that antiquated term. Thank you for your advice.
    lnixon8 said:
    Start practicing your theme song those of us that had mismatched bridesmaids dresses had to perfect:
    "Whatever you want to wear is fine."
    "I don't care what you wear"
    "Yes that is fine."
    "you do not need my approval"
    "Whatever you want to wear is fine"
    "You choose" etc.

    Haha! Awesome, I was already planning on having the wedding party pick out their own attire.
    Heffalump said:
    No one in the BP is obligated to participate in anything.

    I mean this in the nicest way, but you're overthinking this.  Ask her to be a bridesmaid.  Have her stand up with you, in whatever she feels comfortable wearing.  Let all of your BP join in whatever events they like.  Have a good time.  The end.

    Yeah, I'm aware that no one is required to participate in anything. I do agree that I think I was overthinking things.
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  • glasgowtolondonglasgowtolondon member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    I agree with you, OP, bridesmaid is a really outdated title. Or worse, matron of honour - makes me picture an old-timey nurse with huge cans for some reason.

    Glad you feel better about asking your friend.
                 
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  • JediElizabethJediElizabeth member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    RiaLovesChris said:


    JediElizabeth said:

    We LGBTIQQ people often feel out of place. It can be weird when you're the only one dancing with another woman, or the only feminine person wearing a suit, or whatever it is. But we choose what situations we put ourselves into.

    I would be be furious if a good friend told me she hadn't included me in a part of her wedding because she wanted me in because she thought I would be uncomfortable because of my sexuality or gender expression. (I'm bi, and somewhat more on the femme side, though I fluctuate with mood.) Let HER make those choices. All you should do is let her know you want her to be there.

    I never wanted to leave her out or intended to leave her out. I honestly think I'm just soooo over the word "bridesmaid". I'm just going to ask everyone to be a part of my bridal party and limit the use of that antiquated term. Thank you for your advice.

    THIS I understand. We have mixed-gendered brides and grooms sides, with at least one person not adhering to binary gender at all, so we have bridespeople and groomspeople. When I ask them to choose clothes, I'm going to email all 11 of them and just say "if you're wearing a suit, do x. If you're planning on wearing a dress, pick y. Here's a Pinterest board for inspiration, have fun." I'll leave it up to them to decide which group they're in.
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