.

[Deleted User] · January 2016

.

drunkenwitch · January 2016

Money comes with strings. In order for you to have the wedding you truly want you need to give back the money and cancel the trip. If you do that then don't share your plans with anyone, elope and announce the marriage afterwards.

*Barbie* · January 2016

Knottie1433791078 said:

I honestly don't know what I should do at this point. My fiance and I decided from the get-go that we didn't wan't a huge wedding. I have anxiety and knew I couldn't deal with the stress of planning something for 300+ people so we decided to elope. Both of our families were accepting of our decision and my dad even offered to pay for us to go somewhere nice since he was saving so much money. We decided we wanted to go to St. Lucia for a week and have a "weddingmoon". We started planning and everything was fine until my parents insisted that they tag along. This would be fine if my fiance's parents could go too but they just don't have the funds to go. I tried explaining to my parents that I didn't think it was fair for them to come and not my fiances parents but their response was for my in-laws to "take out a loan". Not acceptable or practical for them. I also got the response of "don't forget who is paying for this". Oh, and did I mention that they have decided we are having a HUGE reception when we get back? I don't even see the point in going to St. Lucia if we're having a huge reception anyway. I love and respect my parents but I don't feel like my wishes are being respected. What should I do? Should I call everything off and run to the courthouse? I don't want to come across as ungrateful - I just can't deal with the stress.

Say, "thanks for your generous offer, but FI and I will have to decline." You can graciously refuse money, especially since you don't want to accept the strings attached.

Then pay for your own elopement/reception/whatever.

[Deleted User] · January 2016

That was definitely our first thought until I found out everything has already been paid for including plane tickets. Is it rude to ask my parent's to let me reimburse them?

MNNEBride · January 2016

Their money is coming with strings attached. So, if you don't want their "strings", you can't accept their money. You make it sound like the only options are to elope or have a 300 person guest list. What about a smaller, just family and close friends, wedding locally? Use your words and speak to your parents.

*Barbie* · January 2016

You need to find out what the penalty is to cancel for yourself and FI, and you can offer to reimburse them for that amount if you had previously told them to book it. If they booked something without you knowing/approving, then I would say it's totally on them.

The sooner you act, the better, as you are more likely to lose less money if you cancel early.

*Barbie* · January 2016

other option - could you and your FI afford to pay for the fILs to come?

[Deleted User] · January 2016

Our families are huge - just close friends and family is around 140-150 on the guest list. My mother is also a well known figure in our tiny town and doesn't want anyone to feel left out. (She is literally friends with everyone) I know that she has good intentions, she just lets the excitement get in the way. Our reception that she has already planned has snowballed into this huge guest list. Will people understand if we un-invite them? Sometimes I feel like I should just keep my feelings to myself and let her do her thing. A small wedding unfortunately would be out of the question. We tried the small engagement party and that definitely did not work.

[Deleted User] · January 2016

That's not a bad option.

OliveOilsMom · January 2016

It sounds like you need to stand up to your mother.

First, pay back your parents the money for the vacation. Or figure out how you can change the dates of the vacation without your parents knowing when it will be. Then pay the change fee to get the plane tickets changed. You and your FI should go there alone, without anyone else knowing when and where (if you decide to change locations). Then call them to tell them you have married.

As for this big party that you do not seem to want. Stand up to your mother and tell her that you do not want this party. End of story. Tell her you and FI will not attend. If she tries to make it a surprise party, you and FI will walk out upon the discovery. She will be the one holding the bag and trying to save face.

It is against etiquette to have an engagement party and then NOT have those guests invited to the actual wedding. But since you are already planning a private wedding, I think your best bet would be to have a true elopement with just your FI and no after party of any kind (stand up to your mother!). Then send out wedding announcement after your wedding to the guests who attended the engagement party. The wording would be:

Bride's Full Name
and
Groom's Full Name

were married in a private ceremony
Date
Location

Lastly, use the Quote button when responding to a person. The Reply button does nothing and it can be hard to follow who you are responding to.

*Barbie* · January 2016

OliveOilsMom said:
First, pay back your parents the money for the vacation. Or figure out how you can change the dates of the vacation without your parents knowing when it will be. Then pay the change fee to get the plane tickets changed. You and your FI should go there alone, without anyone else knowing when and where (if you decide to change locations). Then call them to tell them you have married.

That's pretty shady considering her parents paid for the tickets.

[Deleted User] · January 2016

OliveOilsMom said:

It sounds like you need to stand up to your mother.
First, pay back your parents the money for the vacation. Or figure out how you can change the dates of the vacation without your parents knowing when it will be. Then pay the change fee to get the plane tickets changed. You and your FI should go there alone, without anyone else knowing when and where (if you decide to change locations). Then call them to tell them you have married.
As for this big party that you do not seem to want. Stand up to your mother and tell her that you do not want this party. End of story. Tell her you and FI will not attend. If she tries to make it a surprise party, you and FI will walk out upon the discovery. She will be the one holding the bag and trying to save face.
It is against etiquette to have an engagement party and then NOT have those guests invited to the actual wedding. But since you are already planning a private wedding, I think your best bet would be to have a true elopement with just your FI and no after party of any kind (stand up to your mother!). Then send out wedding announcement after your wedding to the guests who attended the engagement party. The wording would be:
Bride's Full Name
and
Groom's Full Name
were married in a private ceremony
Date
Location
Lastly, use the Quote button when responding to a person. The Reply button does nothing and it can be hard to follow who you are responding to.

Thank you. I am new to this and knew there was some sort of trick to replying to a certain person. That is a really good idea on changing the dates. And it would be about the same money to pay my parents back as it would to fly out my in-laws. I really do want this to be private as it is more personal. Thank you for the response.

lovegood90 · January 2016

Wait - you already had an engagement party? If you did, you're already obligated to invite those people to your wedding.

[Deleted User] · January 2016

lovegood90 said:

Wait - you already had an engagement party? If you did, you're already obligated to invite those people to your wedding.

Why am I obligated to invite them? We're eloping.

[Deleted User] · January 2016

Knottie1433791078 said:

lovegood90 said:

Wait - you already had an engagement party? If you did, you're already obligated to invite those people to your wedding.

Why am I obligated to invite them? We're eloping.

Edit: Our guests knew before the engagement party was even planned that we were eloping.

MNNEBride · January 2016

If people know in advance you are eloping, it's technically not an elopement.

lovegood90 · January 2016

Knottie1433791078 said:

lovegood90 said:

Wait - you already had an engagement party? If you did, you're already obligated to invite those people to your wedding.

Why am I obligated to invite them? We're eloping.

Because anyone invited to pre-wedding parties (engagement parties, showers, bachelor/ette parties) must also be invited to the wedding. It's rude not to.

When someone makes the decision to elope, they're also automatically foregoing any pre-wedding festivities for the above reason.

[Deleted User] · January 2016

lovegood90 said:

Knottie1433791078 said:

lovegood90 said:

Wait - you already had an engagement party? If you did, you're already obligated to invite those people to your wedding.

Why am I obligated to invite them? We're eloping.

Because anyone invited to pre-wedding parties (engagement parties, showers, bachelor/ette parties) must also be invited to the wedding. It's rude not to.

When someone makes the decision to elope, they're also automatically foregoing any pre-wedding festivities for the above reason.

Who made these rules? The engagement party was thrown for us by family and friends that knew our plans of not having an actual wedding. Should I have declined to go to a party they insisted on throwing?

[Deleted User] · January 2016

MNNEBride said:

If people know in advance you are eloping, it's technically not an elopement.

What should I call it then? I just used the term elopement because it was easier than explaining again that my fiance and I are traveling alone for our wedding.

Heffalump · January 2016

Knottie1433791078 said:

MNNEBride said:

If people know in advance you are eloping, it's technically not an elopement.

MNNEBride said:

If people know in advance you are eloping, it's technically not an elopement.

What should I call it then? I just used the term elopement because it was easier than explaining again that my fiance and I are traveling alone for our wedding.

The phrase you are searching for is "private wedding ceremony."

ETA: OP, this is your (plural: you and your FI's) wedding. You need to start acting like it. Do not take money if it comes with strings that you are unprepared to submit to. Pay back any money that has already been spent. Plan the wedding that you and your FI want, and stop being a doormat. "I don't want this wedding, they insisted on throwing us a party anyway," it all sounds like pushing the blame onto everyone else. Stop doing that, and start planning what you do want.

mollybarker11 · January 2016

Another great reminder to lurkers that to elope is to marry in secret.

Oftentimes, the consequence of telling people you're going to get married in private is that those closest to you feel hurt or still want to be included. I know being super clandestine seems over the top, but look at it this way: It is rude to discuss an event with someone who isn't invited.

OP, your options are:
1. cancel the destination wedding you've planned, including refunding your parents (unless they booked with zero input from you?)
2. offer to pay for your FI's parents to come (not ideal as it puts them in a very awkward position + you don't want any guests to begin with!)
3. get married as planned with only your parents attending (I personally would not even consider this an option, it'd be heartbreakingly rude to your future in-laws.)

mollybarker11 · January 2016

It sounds like the big at home reception (AHR) has already been planned and guests have already been invited. The only way it'd be appropriate to cancel it is if the wedding it's associated with is cancelled as well.

Keep in mind that your mother will still want to throw a celebration no matter how you choose to marry (elopement, small destination wedding, big local wedding). You will need to be firm with her about what you feel comfortable with, if you accept her offer to host one at all. It should essentially be a party in celebration of the marriage, without any wedding-specific trappings.

OliveOilsMom · January 2016

*Barbie* said:

OliveOilsMom said:
First, pay back your parents the money for the vacation. Or figure out how you can change the dates of the vacation without your parents knowing when it will be. Then pay the change fee to get the plane tickets changed. You and your FI should go there alone, without anyone else knowing when and where (if you decide to change locations). Then call them to tell them you have married.

That's pretty shady considering her parents paid for the tickets.

Not if they pay her parents for the trip first. After they pay her parents for the trip, the trip is no longer her parents to plan and OP can change the plans as she wishes. I did some editing before hitting post and realize now I should have removed that "Or" and changed it to "Then".

[Deleted User] · January 2016

Thanks for all of your input. This wouldn't be so bad if most of this wasn't already done without my prior knowledge. I actually received a call one day from a travel agent congratulating me on my upcoming wedding. My FI and I had talked about it and then my dad booked it without my knowledge. I was actually talking with a different travel agent when he did the booking.

lovegood90 · January 2016

Knottie1433791078 said:

lovegood90 said:

Knottie1433791078 said:

lovegood90 said:

Wait - you already had an engagement party? If you did, you're already obligated to invite those people to your wedding.

Why am I obligated to invite them? We're eloping.

Because anyone invited to pre-wedding parties (engagement parties, showers, bachelor/ette parties) must also be invited to the wedding. It's rude not to.

When someone makes the decision to elope, they're also automatically foregoing any pre-wedding festivities for the above reason.

Who made these rules? The engagement party was thrown for us by family and friends that knew our plans of not having an actual wedding. Should I have declined to go to a party they insisted on throwing?

Not trying to be snarky but...pretty much, yeah. It's just the decent thing to do. If you're not planning on inviting people to your life event, then you shouldn't accept parties from people wanting to celebrate said life event who aren't even invited. Just common decency/common sense IMHO. Most people on this board would agree.

[Deleted User] · January 2016

lovegood90 said:

Knottie1433791078 said:

lovegood90 said:

Knottie1433791078 said:

lovegood90 said:

Wait - you already had an engagement party? If you did, you're already obligated to invite those people to your wedding.

Why am I obligated to invite them? We're eloping.

Because anyone invited to pre-wedding parties (engagement parties, showers, bachelor/ette parties) must also be invited to the wedding. It's rude not to.

When someone makes the decision to elope, they're also automatically foregoing any pre-wedding festivities for the above reason.

Who made these rules? The engagement party was thrown for us by family and friends that knew our plans of not having an actual wedding. Should I have declined to go to a party they insisted on throwing?

Not trying to be snarky but...pretty much, yeah. It's just the decent thing to do. If you're not planning on inviting people to your life event, then you shouldn't accept parties from people wanting to celebrate said life event who aren't even invited. Just common decency/common sense IMHO. Most people on this board would agree.

I don't think everyone feels the same way. At least not where I'm from they don't.

[Deleted User] · January 2016

I am sorry but I am going to have to leave this thread. I came here looking for friendly advice from brides and have had some very negative and rude comments. Instead of feeling better about my situation, I feel much worse. I don't know why this has turned into a judging match over whether or not I am doing things "traditionally". I believe as long and my fiance and myself are happy that is all that matters. Please ease up on future posters and have an open mind about other's plans for their wedding. Just because it isn't by the book doesn't make them wrong. I hope each of you have a blessed day.

OliveOilsMom · January 2016

Knottie1433791078 said:

lovegood90 said:

Knottie1433791078 said:

lovegood90 said:

Knottie1433791078 said:

lovegood90 said:

Wait - you already had an engagement party? If you did, you're already obligated to invite those people to your wedding.

Why am I obligated to invite them? We're eloping.

Because anyone invited to pre-wedding parties (engagement parties, showers, bachelor/ette parties) must also be invited to the wedding. It's rude not to.

When someone makes the decision to elope, they're also automatically foregoing any pre-wedding festivities for the above reason.

Who made these rules? The engagement party was thrown for us by family and friends that knew our plans of not having an actual wedding. Should I have declined to go to a party they insisted on throwing?

Not trying to be snarky but...pretty much, yeah. It's just the decent thing to do. If you're not planning on inviting people to your life event, then you shouldn't accept parties from people wanting to celebrate said life event who aren't even invited. Just common decency/common sense IMHO. Most people on this board would agree.

I don't think everyone feels the same way. At least not where I'm from they don't.

Etiquette is not regional. It is a universal system to treat people the same and includes proper hosting of people. Think of a wedding ceremony and all of its pre and post parties as one complete event. Anyone invited to any of those pre and post wedding parties should be invited to the wedding ceremony itself. So you want to have an engagement party? No problem, but the list of people invited to that should be invited to the wedding ceremony later. These boards skew towards proper etiquette, so the majority of people on these boards will feel the same way lovegood90. It is also helpful so that you can plan things without accidentally offending people.

lovegood90 · January 2016

Knottie1433791078 said:

I am sorry but I am going to have to leave this thread. I came here looking for friendly advice from brides and have had some very negative and rude comments. Instead of feeling better about my situation, I feel much worse. I don't know why this has turned into a judging match over whether or not I am doing things "traditionally". I believe as long and my fiance and myself are happy that is all that matters. Please ease up on future posters and have an open mind about other's plans for their wedding. Just because it isn't by the book doesn't make them wrong. I hope each of you have a blessed day.

Lol, take a seat and calm down. I was absolutely not rude to you. I was just pointing out a mistake you made so that maybe others can learn from it, or maybe you could learn from it. But apparently you weren't looking for advice, just validation. Shocking..

OliveOilsMom · January 2016

OP - No one was rude. Many people were encouraging you to stand up for yourself with your parents, which was not rude advice. And having a "traditional" wedding has nothing to due with etiquette, they are two different things. Wearing a white dress is traditional, but providing your guests with a place to sit and food to eat (appropriate the time of day) is proper etiquette. I think if you go back and re-read this thread without being defensive and trying to read posters tone, you will see that everyone here was trying to be helpful.

drunkenwitch · January 2016

The OP forgot to call us fat and ugly bitter old hags who sit around all day and bully people on the internet and she forgot to feel sorry for our husbands. She's flouncing totally wrong.

.

Re: .

Choose Another Board

Search Boards