Failing Friendship with MOH

[Deleted User] · January 2016

I want to thank everyone for their input. I will not be checking this thread anymore as I had a long discussion with my MOH this morning and have addressed the issue and resolved it.

Happy Friday!

thisismynickname2 · January 2016

km674394 said:

My MOH introduced my fiance and I. We had been best friends for over 10 years. It only seemed natural to pick her as my MOH. We had lived in different cities for several years and would visit and catch up when we could. It was one of those friendships where you didn't speak for months but everything was totally normal when you met up. I moved to her city eventually and moved in with my then-bf. We saw each other a few times but she always was busy. She then left and went away to perform a cruise for 7 months.

My fiance and I got engaged. When she got back she said how excited she was and wanted to start planning immediately. However, now, she never calls me or wants to hang out. We haven't hung out other than like 2 wedding-related things. She only texts me when she wants something. I think the only reason she even talks to me is because she wants the attention of being the maid of honor. She is obsessed with her roommate who she used to talk trash about constantly. I am not friends with her roommate. It's obvious that her roommate is now her best friend and I was replaced. Fine, I can deal with that but now she is inviting her roommate as her date. I just wanted ONE DAY to not be about her and her friend. I thought for ONE day it could be about me and our friendship. I've started realizing she's kind of always walked all over me but now I'm mad.

This is my wedding and I don't want this other girl to be there all day making the wedding about them. I even told her that and she laughed and said "no no it will be fun". Help. This friendship is going to fail after the wedding but to be honest she's making me not even want to have the wedding.

I don't really understand what you mean by the wedding being about the roommate or the roommate's friendship with your MOH. Without a significant other, if you're offering plus-ones, she can bring whomever she wants.

But... look, friendships ebb and flow. Many fade. It can suck or it can be liberating. Try to focus on the friendship and not her role in the wedding. Maybe the friendship will survive past your wedding and maybe it won't, and that's ok. Breathe.

flantastic · January 2016

km674394 said:

My MOH introduced my fiance and I. We had been best friends for over 10 years. It only seemed natural to pick her as my MOH. We had lived in different cities for several years and would visit and catch up when we could. It was one of those friendships where you didn't speak for months but everything was totally normal when you met up. I moved to her city eventually and moved in with my then-bf. We saw each other a few times but she always was busy. She then left and went away to perform a cruise for 7 months.

My fiance and I got engaged. When she got back she said how excited she was and wanted to start planning immediately. However, now, she never calls me or wants to hang out. We haven't hung out other than like 2 wedding-related things. She only texts me when she wants something. I think the only reason she even talks to me is because she wants the attention of being the maid of honor. She is obsessed with her roommate who she used to talk trash about constantly. I am not friends with her roommate. It's obvious that her roommate is now her best friend and I was replaced. Fine, I can deal with that but now she is inviting her roommate as her date. I just wanted ONE DAY to not be about her and her friend. I thought for ONE day it could be about me and our friendship. I've started realizing she's kind of always walked all over me but now I'm mad.

This is my wedding and I don't want this other girl to be there all day making the wedding about them. I even told her that and she laughed and said "no no it will be fun". Help. This friendship is going to fail after the wedding but to be honest she's making me not even want to have the wedding.

Is it drama queen day and no one told me?

They will not be able to make the wedding about them. You are the bride, in the white dress, who everyone will know. Everything else you need to get over. The bolded is absurdly dramatic. How would your FI feel about that statement?

You say she hasn't contacted you to hang out, etc. - have you contacted her?

OliveOilsMom · January 2016

Ditto PP. If you want to end the friendship, then end the friendship. Her being MOH would naturally dissolve away. If this is how the friendship has always been, did you think it would change now that you are getting married?

teddygirl9 · January 2016

" I just wanted ONE DAY to not be about her and her friend. I thought for ONE day it could be about me and our friendship."

It also sounds like you want every day leading up to your wedding to be about this too?

I 100% know how you feel, and it sucks to feel 'replaced' as a best friend. But you can't tell people who to be friends with. Unless her roommate is also going to be standing up with you, I don't think you will notice her much. You'll be too busy being the bride and getting married to notice. If you truly want to end your friendship with this gal then that's your decision, but to end it because she has another friend is short sighted IMO.

MyNameIsNot · January 2016

I've got to agree, you are being dramatic and a bit childish here.

I can understand being sad that your friendship is not as close as you thought it was, but it doesn't sound like she's ever been your BFF anyway. You complain that you rarely see her, but you say you've always been the kind of friends that go months without seeing each other. I get that lots of close friends are that way, but it seems like she didn't really feel the need to adjust that schedule when you moved to her city.

This jealousy of her new friendship is just silly. Your friend can be friends with other people too. It doesn't mean she doesn't like you anymore. Friendships are not supposed to be monogamous.

Maybe try getting to know the roommate. If you stop seeing her as the competition, you might even make a new friend.

JediElizabeth · January 2016

teddygirl9 said:
" I just wanted ONE DAY to not be about her and her friend. I thought for ONE day it could be about me and our friendship."

It also sounds like you want every day leading up to your wedding to be about this too?

I 100% know how you feel, and it sucks to feel 'replaced' as a best friend. But you can't tell people who to be friends with. Unless her roommate is also going to be standing up with you, I don't think you will notice her much. You'll be too busy being the bride and getting married to notice. If you truly want to end your friendship with this gal then that's your decision, but to end it because she has another friend is short sighted IMO.

This, except I'd add that the day should be about you and your FI. On your wedding day of all days, I'd let her bring whatever guest she wants, because she is not the individual you should be focusing your attention on.

spockforprez · January 2016

My MOH and I don't have the friendship I'd like to have, either. We met and became instant friends, and then I moved away three months later. We didn't have the solid foundation we needed to maintain a long-distance friendship. I still picked her to be my MOH because I considered her my best friend and I was going based on my sentimentality more than anything else (i.e. the reality of how close we were). Over the last 14 months we've been engaged, MOH and I have continued to drift apart. She has a boyfriend now and lives with him, and does a lot of hobby-related things that don't involve me. She has lots of parties with all her local friends which I get to witness on facebook. I feel left out and lonely, but it was also my choice to move away to be with my FH and part of being an adult is accepting the consequences of those choices. I could have been making friends in my new city for the last two years, but I didn't, and that was my fault. (I am trying now!)

Ultimately, you can't force anyone to be closer with you. I reached out many times trying to get MOH to talk or to hang out. I shared my concerns with her, that I wanted to talk more, and it still didn't get better. So, I have just had to accept that we will never be the close friends I wanted to be. She is still my MOH because it would be incredibly rude to take away an honored role once accepted. I will enjoy my day with her by my side, and then I'll let the friendship go where it goes. It's disappointing, and I've had my share of pity parties about it, but venting here and there helps to put it to rest.

Honestly, there is so much to stress over when it comes to weddings, please don't manufacture more of it for yourself. Be a friend to your MOH even if it's on her terms rather than your own. Go to your wedding day and enjoy it without worrying about her or the roomie. You will be 100% focused on your FH.

climbingsingle · January 2016

Wait, are you marrying her? I'm confused. Because usually a wedding day is about the two people marrying, not a bride and her friend.

How would the wedding be all about the MOH and her friend? Is she planning to kidnap your wedding and make it her own?

You are overreacting. Take a deep breath. You are marrying someone you are in love with and plan to spend the rest of your days with, yes? Focus on that.

drunkenwitch · January 2016

flantastic said:

km674394 said:

My MOH introduced my fiance and I. We had been best friends for over 10 years. It only seemed natural to pick her as my MOH. We had lived in different cities for several years and would visit and catch up when we could. It was one of those friendships where you didn't speak for months but everything was totally normal when you met up. I moved to her city eventually and moved in with my then-bf. We saw each other a few times but she always was busy. She then left and went away to perform a cruise for 7 months.

My fiance and I got engaged. When she got back she said how excited she was and wanted to start planning immediately. However, now, she never calls me or wants to hang out. We haven't hung out other than like 2 wedding-related things. She only texts me when she wants something. I think the only reason she even talks to me is because she wants the attention of being the maid of honor. She is obsessed with her roommate who she used to talk trash about constantly. I am not friends with her roommate. It's obvious that her roommate is now her best friend and I was replaced. Fine, I can deal with that but now she is inviting her roommate as her date. I just wanted ONE DAY to not be about her and her friend. I thought for ONE day it could be about me and our friendship. I've started realizing she's kind of always walked all over me but now I'm mad.

This is my wedding and I don't want this other girl to be there all day making the wedding about them. I even told her that and she laughed and said "no no it will be fun". Help. This friendship is going to fail after the wedding but to be honest she's making me not even want to have the wedding.

Is it drama queen day and no one told me?

They will not be able to make the wedding about them. You are the bride, in the white dress, who everyone will know. Everything else you need to get over. The bolded is absurdly dramatic. How would your FI feel about that statement?

You say she hasn't contacted you to hang out, etc. - have you contacted her?

Eta _____ box____

Seriously! I haven't seen this much drama since Tiffany ditched Heather at prom and made out with Jessica's boyfriend.

STARMOON44 · January 2016

So, this woman and you used to be close. Then for a long while you went months without speaking. Then, living in the same place, you hung out occasionally. Then, she was away and out of touch for 7 months.

How on earth is this your best friend? She's barely an acquaintance. You haven't been close in years.

CMGragain · January 2016

Is there even a question in the OP's post? It sounds like just a rant.

[Deleted User] · January 2016

I have contacted her many times and even when she agrees she ends up bailing to be with her roommate. I purposely do not constantly discuss the wedding bc who would wanna deal with that all the time? I text her to see how she is and get one word answers. Thank you though for calling me a drama queen. It's difficult to watch a friendship of over 10 years fading away. I'm so sorry so many of you think is dramatic and stupid.

[Deleted User] · January 2016

Thank you. I appreciate your post. You seem to have some compassion and understanding unlike most of the other people. I won't be asking her to step down but I really don't think our friendship will last which is upsetting.

lembaslover · January 2016

JediElizabeth said:

" I just wanted ONE DAY to not be about her and her friend. I thought for ONE day it could be about me and our friendship."

It also sounds like you want every day leading up to your wedding to be about this too?

I 100% know how you feel, and it sucks to feel 'replaced' as a best friend. But you can't tell people who to be friends with. Unless her roommate is also going to be standing up with you, I don't think you will notice her much. You'll be too busy being the bride and getting married to notice. If you truly want to end your friendship with this gal then that's your decision, but to end it because she has another friend is short sighted IMO.
This, except I'd add that the day should be about you and your FI. On your wedding day of all days, I'd let her bring whatever guest she wants, because she is not the individual you should be focusing your attention on.

That's the first thing I thought, your wedding day is about you and your FI! Everyone is there to see the two of you, not you and your MOH...

I have a long distance honor with my friend who was my MOH too. Is it tough? Sure. Do I sometimes feel lonely and miss how close we used to be when we didn't live on opposite sides of the country? Of course I do. Did she end up being the best MOH ever on my wedding day by showing up with an awesome emergency kit full of things I hadn't thought of and helping me when my bustle fell out (without me asking)? She sure did! Would I have been disappointed if she hadn't done those things? No, because I'd already come to terms with the fact that regardless on how distant we are now she is my best friend and has always been there for me when I've needed it and that's why I chose her as MOH.

Let your friend do what she wants and who knows she may surprise you and be totally there for you on your wedding day but if she's not then focus on your new husband and all of the other guests there to see you!

climbingsingle · January 2016

km674394 said:

I have contacted her many times and even when she agrees she ends up bailing to be with her roommate. I purposely do not constantly discuss the wedding bc who would wanna deal with that all the time? I text her to see how she is and get one word answers. Thank you though for calling me a drama queen. It's difficult to watch a friendship of over 10 years fading away. I'm so sorry so many of you think is dramatic and stupid.

Listen, I'll bet a large majority of us here have experienced losing a friend. I got married for the first time when I was 23. I was young and stupid. Anyway, I asked my very best friend at the time to be my MOH. We had been inseparable since the first day of 9th grade.

My marriage lasted only a year. While I was in the process of moving, selling my house and divorcing, this friend starting pulling away from me. We drifted apart, and I never heard from her again. It hurt a lot - we never had a falling out. No words exchanged. She was just gone.

Ten years later, she popped up on FB. I contacted her because I was genuinely curious what had happened. And she told me that my divorce was "too much drama" for her to handle. And honestly, my divorce wasn't all that dramatic at all. But, that's the kind of friend she turned out to be. And that's OK. Sometimes you're not meant to be friends with a person forever.

I still think you are being overly dramatic. Get over it. Move on. Focus on getting married to the person you love.

AddieCake · January 2016

You don't want to have a wedding because your MOH is now better friends with her roommate than you? Dude. You need a margarita.

MyNameIsNot · January 2016

km674394 said:

I have contacted her many times and even when she agrees she ends up bailing to be with her roommate. I purposely do not constantly discuss the wedding bc who would wanna deal with that all the time? I text her to see how she is and get one word answers. Thank you though for calling me a drama queen. It's difficult to watch a friendship of over 10 years fading away. I'm so sorry so many of you think is dramatic and stupid.

How is "she's making me not even want to have a wedding" anything other than dramatic?

Yes, it sucks to find out that a friend doesn't feel as close to you as you do to her. But threatening to cancel your wedding because she is closer to her other friend is not how adults behave.

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