10 years on TK, and got my first warning

Re: 10 years on TK, and got my first warning

• mrsconn23 member

  

  January 2016

  WHAT?! 

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• tawillers member

  

  January 2016

  For what?

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• Heffalump member

  

  January 2016

  Linking to the NEY thread and "calling out members of NEY."  I did link, by way of explanation, in case it wasn't clear why someone would be reluctant to start posting.  (It wasn't clear to me until I was directed to that thread.)  I did not call out any members, as I don't even know who's on NEY.  When I started, it was a Superfund site of crazy, though from what I understand it's changed since then.  But I still don't go there, so I wouldn't know NEY from South Asian Weddings.
  

  �

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• 6fsn member

  

  January 2016

  For some reason this brought back memories of us "vacationing" on the Mexico board.

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• NOLABridesmaid member

  

  January 2016

  Really. It was worth it, Heffa.

  <handing you an ankle bracelet for being on probation>

  

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• Heffalump member

  

  January 2016

  NOLABridesmaid said:

  Really. It was worth it, Heffa.

  <handing you an ankle bracelet for being on probation>

  And I'm going to bedazzle the shit out of that ankle bracelet.  Thanks for having my back, NOLA.  

  �

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• thisismynickname2 member

  

  January 2016

  It was worth it. Thanks for creating a more welcoming atmosphere here. I see the posts and think they're interesting but am usually ensconced over on CC.
  
  I get Prudie delivered to my e-mail daily and love the crazy.

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• thefanciestbeckler member

  

  January 2016

  Worth it. Thank you for your sacrafice, Heffalump.
  

  
  

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• tawillers member

  

  January 2016

  I can't stop chuckling at the Tina eyeroll.

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• mrsconn23 member

  

  January 2016

  So, is this your "Thursday pop-off" @Heffalump?  
  

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• pegasuskat member

  

  January 2016

  That's ok, makes you seem tougher to have a record and all!
  
  

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• VarunaTT member

  

  January 2016

  *dusts off the WW bail fund*
  
  We've all been really good lately, so it's ready to go!  
  

  �

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• PrettyGirlLost member

  

  January 2016

  Heffalump said:

  Linking to the NEY thread and "calling out members of NEY."  I did link, by way of explanation, in case it wasn't clear why someone would be reluctant to start posting.  (It wasn't clear to me until I was directed to that thread.)  I did not call out any members, as I don't even know who's on NEY.  When I started, it was a Superfund site of crazy, though from what I understand it's changed since then.  But I still don't go there, so I wouldn't know NEY from South Asian Weddings.
  

  Not being able to link to other threads within TK is asinine, imo.  I think XO is afraid that linking to other threads is the gateway drug that will lead us all back to FFF's.
  
  I call bullshit! I know plenty of people who dabble in the Maui Wowie and have no desire to switch to Meth, and in the same vein I know people who upgraded from cigarettes to heroin.
  
  The response to Addie in the NEY thread were equally asinine.
  

  
  "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
  
  

  
  

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• levioosa member

  

  January 2016

  You could practically see the flaming pitchforks for you to get a warning on that thread.  So stupid.  

  
  

  
  

  

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• Heffalump member

  

  January 2016

  levioosa said:

  You could practically see the flaming pitchforks for you to get a warning on that thread.  So stupid.  

  
  

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• lyndausvi mod

  

  January 2016

  Welcome to the club.  I got mine after 8 years AND I was a  mod.
  
  Don't worry, you are in good company.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  

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• ILoveBeachMusic member

  

  January 2016

  I went over and lurked on NEY. I couldn't believe how many people were upset that you hadn't received a warning @Heffalump! They were all yelling preferential treatment - good grief how old are we?
  
  

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• AddieCake member

  

  January 2016 edited January 2016

  I got mine a few months ago when I told someone she was insane for considering doing a mud run the morning of her wedding. Same thread Lynda got hers in, I think.

  What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14

  

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• MobKaz member

  

  January 2016

  You did cross the border without a passport or engraved invitation. 
  
  This is when I wish we still had "flags" and could see a final tally of tattle tales.
  

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• minskat30 member

  

  January 2016

  PrettyGirlLost said:

  Heffalump said:

  Linking to the NEY thread and "calling out members of NEY."  I did link, by way of explanation, in case it wasn't clear why someone would be reluctant to start posting.  (It wasn't clear to me until I was directed to that thread.)  I did not call out any members, as I don't even know who's on NEY.  When I started, it was a Superfund site of crazy, though from what I understand it's changed since then.  But I still don't go there, so I wouldn't know NEY from South Asian Weddings.
  

  Not being able to link to other threads within TK is asinine, imo.  I think XO is afraid that linking to other threads is the gateway drug that will lead us all back to FFF's.
  
  I call bullshit! I know plenty of people who dabble in the Maui Wowie and have no desire to switch to Meth, and in the same vein I know people who upgraded from cigarettes to heroin.
  
  The response to Addie in the NEY thread were equally asinine.
  

  
  Can I try to extend an olive branch of sorts here on some points and my perspective on others? Not sure if it will be well received but I'm trying nonetheless.  I suggested on NEY that posters understand the posting style of the board and introduce themselves when posting (that certainly isn't required and I rule no boards here so I dictate nothing...it is just my general opinion that following that advice is prudent).  I'm putting myself out on a major limb here by not following my own advice to introduce myself first so I'll start with apologizing for that...I have, however, lurked here, and on several other boards on TK, quite a bit for a long time.  I actually thought about posting to your "Lurkers" post when it was posted originally but it was my perception that there was a fair amount of NEY dislike and, since I primarily post on NEY, I ended up refraining.  I probably should have jumped in though in that post.  **Also a huge disclaimer, I don't speak for NEY or anyone but me so please read anything I post as my personal opinion/take on things and nothing more.**
  
  As to the first quoted/bolded language above, I agree.  I also don't think the rule is clear and, honestly, that is my biggest issue with it.  I ALSO don't think the rule is always uniformly enforced (and I think that was a big issue with it on NEY...I'll address that further below).  I've been called out for violating the same rule.  I didn't complain about being warned, though I will admit to being confused as to why I broke the rule and seeking clarity on that point.  I've also asked for the rule to be more clear and suggested language to clarify it...that didn't seem to get anywhere.  I think that is rather unfortunate and I wish I could do something more about it.  
  
  As to the second bolded, I disagree that the responses were asinine.  I actually think there was some constructive back and forth among regulars on the NEY board on whether the responses were snarky, how snarky is too snarky, etc.  We clearly don't all have the same opinions on NEY.  Like I said there, however, I welcome others to contribute.  I think NEY can be more welcoming of course but I feel the same way about many other boards.     
  
  

  levioosa said:

  You could practically see the flaming pitchforks for you to get a warning on that thread.  So stupid.  

  I disagree with the characterization that there were "flaming pitchforks" for @heffalump to get a warning but this gets to why I think certain people were upset on NEY, and I don't think it is for a stupid reason.  There is a certain amount of unfairness, isn't there, when one person gets warned for an "offense" on one board and then the same "offense" doesn't get the same immediate gut reaction on another?  It is sort of a hard pill to swallow to have to follow a rule you (a) don't think makes a lot of sound sense and (b) don't think is clear.. and then on top of that you have the potential for the rule to mean one thing for one person and another for someone else as far as enforcement.  For the record, I didn't report you @heffalump because, again, I don't think the rule is clear.  If the rule is "don't link, period", I wish the rule would say that.  If that is the rule, then, frankly, you violated that "rule" and should have technically been reported just like I was when I also broke the "rule."  I get being frustrated over it though.  
  
  Anyway, I welcome your thoughts and hope some of the above made sense.  I am trying to understanding where all of you are coming from and I hope you can understand (or try to understand) where some of the NEYrs are coming from.  I swear we are all lovely people...as I'm sure you are.    
  
  Finally, sorry...last point, I thought long and hard about posting this at all.  It is far easier for me to stay in my own bubble but I had an experience today that reminded me that not saying something to someone who might (and is likely to) disagree with you is not giving the other person a chance to say something that might surprise you.  
  
  

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• lyndausvi mod

  

  January 2016

  As a mod I can tell you that some violations get missed simply because they had not been seen yet.   We are not on 24/7 in every thread.   Other violations are caught very quickly.  Either because a bunch of mods saw it right away or another users reported the violation.
  
  A lot of times violations have been reported, but there is a delay in warning or banning.    Sometimes the delay is simply the moderator of the board was paged and they haven't responded yet because they are not online.   Other times we need KH or KR's input.
  
  These days there is a tech issue that doesn't allow some of us to report or warn. So we need knotholly or knotriley to do the warning.  Again, there is sometimes a delay because they are not on 24/7 either.
  
  From the time Helf made the thread and when she was warned was about 24 hours.     Obviously it wasn't fast enough for the people on NEY, but it wasn't because she was getting special treatment.   
  
  Linking to call out a users is against the TOS.   

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  

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• CMGragain member

  

  January 2016

  The rule about not linking threads is a newer one.  I violated it because I wasn't aware of it.  Your record is better than mine!
  

  

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• PrettyGirlLost member

  

  January 2016 edited January 2016

  minskat30 said:

  PrettyGirlLost said:

  Heffalump said:

  Linking to the NEY thread and "calling out members of NEY."  I did link, by way of explanation, in case it wasn't clear why someone would be reluctant to start posting.  (It wasn't clear to me until I was directed to that thread.)  I did not call out any members, as I don't even know who's on NEY.  When I started, it was a Superfund site of crazy, though from what I understand it's changed since then.  But I still don't go there, so I wouldn't know NEY from South Asian Weddings.
  

  Not being able to link to other threads within TK is asinine, imo.  I think XO is afraid that linking to other threads is the gateway drug that will lead us all back to FFF's.
  
  I call bullshit! I know plenty of people who dabble in the Maui Wowie and have no desire to switch to Meth, and in the same vein I know people who upgraded from cigarettes to heroin.
  
  The response to Addie in the NEY thread were equally asinine.
  

  
  Can I try to extend an olive branch of sorts here on some points and my perspective on others? Not sure if it will be well received but I'm trying nonetheless.  I suggested on NEY that posters understand the posting style of the board and introduce themselves when posting (that certainly isn't required and I rule no boards here so I dictate nothing...it is just my general opinion that following that advice is prudent).  I think this is good advice, but in this case I think it's more logically applied between separate forums, like TK and Wedding Wire, and not subforums within TK, like NEY and WW.  The posting styles across all the TK subforums are pretty much the same from what I've seen- direct and snarky, sprinkled with a healthy dose of GIFs.   I'm putting myself out on a major limb here by not following my own advice to introduce myself first so I'll start with apologizing for that...I have, however, lurked here, and on several other boards on TK, quite a bit for a long time.  I actually thought about posting to your "Lurkers" post when it was posted originally but it was my perception that there was a fair amount of NEY dislike and, since I primarily post on NEY, I ended up refraining.  I probably should have jumped in though in that post. You should have posted!  Calling out the absurdity of a few posts in a single NEY thread doesn't mean everyone dislikes NEY as a whole. **Also a huge disclaimer, I don't speak for NEY or anyone but me so please read anything I post as my personal opinion/take on things and nothing more.**
  
  As to the first quoted/bolded language above, I agree.  I also don't think the rule is clear and, honestly, that is my biggest issue with it.  I ALSO don't think the rule is always uniformly enforced (and I think that was a big issue with it on NEY...I'll address that further below).  I've been called out for violating the same rule.  I didn't complain about being warned, though I will admit to being confused as to why I broke the rule and seeking clarity on that point.  I've also asked for the rule to be more clear and suggested language to clarify it...that didn't seem to get anywhere.  I think that is rather unfortunate and I wish I could do something more about it.  Good Luck!   It's not in XO's interest to have clear rules; most of their TOS is vague and subjective and many people have complained about it for a long time, to no avail.
  
  As to the second bolded, I disagree that the responses were asinine.  I actually think there was some constructive back and forth among regulars on the NEY board on whether the responses were snarky, how snarky is too snarky, etc.  We clearly don't all have the same opinions on NEY.  Like I said there, however, I welcome others to contribute.  I think NEY can be more welcoming of course but I feel the same way about many other boards.     
  
  I don't get being territorial over a subforum, that seems silly to me.  I tend to post a lot on E, WP, Reception Ideas, and CC, but I don't view those subs as MY subs.  I don't personally care who posts on those boards or responds to my threads/posts. . .they are XO boards anyways, not my personal boards.
  
  And the reason I think the reaction was so absurd was because Addie was responding to a post made by an OP that isn't even an "NEY reg".  The OP has all of 2 posts on TK! So what does it matter who responds?  She's a stranger to pretty much everyone, right?  And it's not like Addie has never posted on NEY before either.  I just don't get it.
  
  Some people like the drama and BSC posts for various reasons, not all nefarious, and look for those posts across ALL the boards.  Others like to shoot the shit and talk about random crap and they do so on multiple boards.  People are just fucking around on a wedding forum.  We are all just fucking around on a wedding forum ;-)
   
  Anyway, I welcome your thoughts and hope some of the above made sense.  I am trying to understanding where all of you are coming from and I hope you can understand (or try to understand) where some of the NEYrs are coming from.  I swear we are all lovely people...as I'm sure you are.    
  
  Finally, sorry...last point, I thought long and hard about posting this at all.  It is far easier for me to stay in my own bubble but I had an experience today that reminded me that not saying something to someone who might (and is likely to) disagree with you is not giving the other person a chance to say something that might surprise you.  
  
  

  ETA:  Had to clarify between Wedding Wire and Wedding Woes above, since they both have the same abbreviation here ;-)
  
  

  
  "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
  
  

  
  

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• Maggie0829 member

  

  January 2016

  I am in agreement with everything @PrettyGirlLost said.  I have posted on the majority of the sub-boards on TK.  But to say that I can't post on X board because I haven't introduced myself is asinine to me.  Basically the response to Addie in that thread was like a scene out of Mean Girls.
  
  
  

  
  

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• minskat30 member

  

  January 2016

  @PrettyGirlLost - Thank you for the measured response, I do appreciate it.  I don't think of NEY as "my" forum either...it is just the forum I predominately post in.  I know this is a wedding forum and most people are just fucking around here.    NEY is also, to me, a spot where a lot of people I consider great friends post...genuine wonderful people that are funny and snarky and kind when you get to know them.  I think it can be easy to get defensive on the internet when tone can't really be read and you have friends on here but getting defensive isn't my goal.  I don't perceive NEY as territorial but my perception is just that, mine.  Taking a step back, I do genuinely get why others may feel it is.  It is also a pretty tight knit group that meets in "real" life in many circumstances and many of the members talk outside of the forum.   I do see how it can be hard to find a post to break into to post, so to speak.  I guess I just wanted to say, I don't bite and a lot of us don't.  I hope that is coming across in the right tone...I haven't had my coffee yet.    

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• AddieCake member

  

  January 2016 edited January 2016

  @minskat30
  
  Here's how I feel about it. Yeah, many of us pop in there and only comment on wedding threads, so I saw Labro's point on that. However, why do we only comment on those? BECAUSE there's an established community there that we are not part of. Could we be? Sure. But we're not, and there shouldn't be some sort of ban on posting on wedding related threads just b/c we don't comment in the daily chitchat there. It was a weekend. Most of your regs were not even around TO "have this". What difference does it make if people who are not part of your NEY community comment on a random wedding thread from time to time just b/c it's on "your" board? 
  
  You know where else that always happens? Right here on Wedding Woes, which, let's be honest everybody knows is (was) the "scary" board.  But did any of the long-term ladies here ever make a big deal about it and tell us to shoo if we were not going to participate in their daily lives? Nope. 
  
  It was just completely unnecessary to do that. The reason I don't post there often is because I like talking about weddings. That's why I'm here. Sure I sometimes also participate in chitchat on different boards, but for the most part, I go to the boards where wedding talk is happening. I can't be on during the day usually, so most of my knotting is done on weekends, and it's slower. Sometimes I get bored and look for wedding questions here on Woes or on NEY. 
  
  The difference, I guess, is that I'm welcome to do that here, but not there. And like I said, message received. I won't be back. 
  
  ETA: And for any NEYers reading this thinking they don't care that I won't be back b/c I'm not a reg there anyway and it's not like they will miss me or sad about it, no shit. That's not the point I'm making. 

  What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14

  

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• ThxSugar member

  

  January 2016 edited January 2016

  minskat30 said:

  @PrettyGirlLost - Thank you for the measured response, I do appreciate it.  I don't think of NEY as "my" forum either...it is just the forum I predominately post in.  I know this is a wedding forum and most people are just fucking around here.    NEY is also, to me, a spot where a lot of people I consider great friends post...genuine wonderful people that are funny and snarky and kind when you get to know them.  I think it can be easy to get defensive on the internet when tone can't really be read and you have friends on here but getting defensive isn't my goal.  I don't perceive NEY as territorial but my perception is just that, mine.  Taking a step back, I do genuinely get why others may feel it is.  It is also a pretty tight knit group that meets in "real" life in many circumstances and many of the members talk outside of the forum.   I do see how it can be hard to find a post to break into to post, so to speak.  I guess I just wanted to say, I don't bite and a lot of us don't.  I hope that is coming across in the right tone...I haven't had my coffee yet.    

  I lurked on NEY for a while. I thought the people seemed funny, snarky, and nice. I noticed all sorts of conversations, posts from married women, questions about venues and menus, etc. I don't remember if I had done my Intro on CC yet or not, I didn't do one for a long time b/c I don't like to call attention to myself and Intro can seem very AW to me. But I posted an admittedly frenzied question to NEY, just trying to branch out from the CC board. First response was "Why are you posting here?". Other posters were helpful but the message was received loud and clear.
  
  Eta: @minskat30 I think your post was very nice and hope the tone of mine came across the same. My intention was to provide a personal experience, not to say everyone is mean or anything. The first cup of coffee is still sinking in.

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• labro member

  

  January 2016

  I'd add in my $.02 although I think @AddieCake stated it fairly already. I'll admit, and have admitted in the thread, that I was in the wrong to state it. It doesn't change how I feel. We appreciate and WANT new people to participate. And frankly, it gets tiresome that other regs are clearly lurking and only ever participate when a there's a BSC post or something like the post earlier asking for help. We have plenty of other WR and non WR chats on the board, we play games, have confessions threads, etc. But anyway, that's MY opinion, and does not represent NEY.
  
  RE: the whole issue about linking other threads. I think it's pretty established that everyone agrees the rule is ridiculous and unclear. And honestly, if you have a problem with what I or anyone else says or gifs, then tell me. Don't link it elsewhere on TK. Tag me, I promise I won't hide. I don't see why people all of a sudden had an issue with being indirect about it when TK is known for its very blunt and direct culture. As for the the warning. I think what everyone's issue was probably that there were mods actively participating in the thread with the link and ignoring the fact that @Heffalump had done something against TOS. Regardless of whether or not the rule makes sense, it IS a rule, and a non NEY mod definitely thought it was ok to mod on NEY and report and warn @minskat30 for the same instance. That was our issue. To us, it was a double standard of some mods saying "not my board, not my problem" while a mod decided that NEY was her problem and took action. So, what is the standard? In the old TK, mods generally stuck to their own boards and didn't mod outside of their "territory" but that seems to have changed to more of a roaming mod model. Is that the expectation from TK?

  
  

  
  

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• minskat30 member

  

  January 2016

  @AddieCake - I assume you meant the general "your" and you weren't referring to me.  I don't think any board is in any way, shape or form mine (or any regs for that matter) but I just wanted to clarify that again.  I'm sorry (genuinely sorry) to hear that the message you received was that you were not welcome to post.  I don't feel that way but obviously my opinion and feelings are not yours.  

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• Swazzle member

  

  January 2016

  @ThxSugar - I was the first person to respond to the question that you're referring to and my response was absolutely NOT in a "how dare you post your question here" sense. I specifically asked if you meant to post it elsewhere because people accidentally post questions/threads on the wrong board on TK all the time and then the thread gets moved to the right place. I was genuinely thinking you meant to post your question on a board more geared towards WR things as opposed to a board that is meant to be for people are not engaged yet. I obviously couldn't have known that you had lurked for a long time and were trying to join in the conversation and my intent was not to imply that you were not welcome to post on NEY.
  

  
  
  

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