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Role for sister that's not being a BM

kayteekay85kayteekay85 member
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in Wedding Party
I have decided not to ask my only sister to be a bridesmaid for my wedding. Now, before anyone judges, there are several reasons for this:
1. My sister is Aspbergers spectrum and does NOT handle stress well. Furthermore she cannot stand someone touching her face or hair, will not wear makeup and loathes dressing up. Public speaking is out of the questiOn.
2. We are not close, and often do not get along
3. She has a hair trigger temper and low meltdown threshold, the pressure of being a BM would likely make her physically ill or at best very uncomfortable.

I love my sister, despite our being so very different, and I want to include her in my wedding in some way or another and am looking for suggestions. We are having a small civil ceremony, so a reading isn't really an option and I don't simply want to "put her to work" for the sake of including her.

Thoughts? Please be kind, this wasn't an easy decision for me to make.
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Re: Role for sister that's not being a BM

  • JediElizabethJediElizabeth member
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    Knottie1449509948 said:
    I have decided not to ask my only sister to be a bridesmaid for my wedding. Now, before anyone judges, there are several reasons for this: 1. My sister is Aspbergers spectrum and does NOT handle stress well. Furthermore she cannot stand someone touching her face or hair, will not wear makeup and loathes dressing up. Public speaking is out of the questiOn. 2. We are not close, and often do not get along 3. She has a hair trigger temper and low meltdown threshold, the pressure of being a BM would likely make her physically ill or at best very uncomfortable. I love my sister, despite our being so very different, and I want to include her in my wedding in some way or another and am looking for suggestions. We are having a small civil ceremony, so a reading isn't really an option and I don't simply want to "put her to work" for the sake of including her. Thoughts? Please be kind, this wasn't an easy decision for me to make.
    No suggestions, but support. 

    I DID ask my sister to be MOH the day after I got engaged. I made the mistake of bowing to family pressure (they were already berating me for not, and I knew it would be WWIII if I didn't). Although she doesn't have all the issues yours does, "hair trigger temper and low meltdown threshold" would be a charitable description. 

    Fast forward 6 months later (and still 15 mos to my wedding), and we're not talking & my mother's devastated (and I'm relieved) that she's off the guest list. 

    Sometimes doing the right thing for the family/relationship is really hard, but it sounds like you're doing the right thing. 
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  • drunkenwitchdrunkenwitch member
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    edited January 2016
    The saying around these parts is "all a bridesmaid has to do buy a dress and smile for pictures ", but it honestly sounds like that would be too much for your sister. You are right to consider the amount of stress she would feel being in front of all the wedding guests. The best thing I can think of that would make her feel included without putting her in any kind of spotlight is to get her a corsage that matches the ones you give to the mothers. She feels special without the attention which would undoubtedly stress her out.

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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
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    edited January 2016
    Nobody here is going to judge not having your sister for a bridesmaid. It's not a rule that family be in the WP. I would do like PPs suggested and get her a corsage.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • thefanciestbecklerthefanciestbeckler member
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    Having known quite a few people on the Asperger's spectrum, I can see why this would be difficult for her. Maybe she would like to be escorted down the aisle during the processional and then seated.

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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
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    I won't judge for not asking your sister, but some of your reasons don't really make sense. Hair and makeup are always optional for BMs, so that shouldn't be a consideration. Still, if you aren't close, you aren't close. That's all that matters.

    Other than BM or ceremony participant, there really aren't any other roles. If she'd be uncomfortable standing up as BM, I can't imagine she'd be able to do a reading/music or be able to be involved in any ceremonial religious roles.

    I agree with PP. Get her a corsage/bouquet and seat her in the first row with parents. You could list her in your program along with parents as well, but I'd probably only do this if the other siblings are also listed (e.g. as WP members). 
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    If you really want your sister to see herself as "honored" at your wedding, why not ask her directly how you can accomplish that?   If she says "bridesmaid," you can tell her what that will emcompass, and then ask her if there's some other thing she'd like to do at the wedding.
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    I hope none of your friends or family are giving you grief about not asking your sister to be in the WP.  As you can see from the other PPs, you will find no grief about that here.

    Bottom line, it sounds like being a BM would be too stressful for her and you don't feel close to her.  Those are both excellent reasons in their own right to not ask her.

    My sister and I get along really well, but we aren't that close.  When she got married, she didn't ask me to be in the WP.  She didn't get me a corsage (though that is a nice idea) or do anything else "special" for me.  Did I feel neglected?  Or forgotten? Or that I wasn't important to her?  HECK NO!  I was beyond excited to see my little sister getting married and had a fantastic time.

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  • JaxInBlueJaxInBlue member
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    Agree with PPs.  If you are comfortable, ask her if there is a way she'd like to be involved.  A corsage or bouquet is a wonderful gesture.  Plan to have a special photo of the two of you taken on your wedding day. 


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  • missfrodomissfrodo member
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    My adult brother has Aspergers, and we are definitely not close, though we're civil.  I know it can be different person-to-person, but he kept a very low profile throughout my wedding, and that was what made him happy.  I'm sure he would have had a panic attack if we'd even asked him to stand next to us, in front of all our guests, during the ceremony.  For him, not drawing any attention to him was my way of respecting and honoring him, I guess.  
    I like the idea of a corsage for your sister, b/c she can still melt into the background if she wishes, but she knows you're thinking of her and how special she is to you.  Just remembered--one issue my brother has is with smells, and flowers would have driven him crazy.  If your sister has the same problem, maybe look into silk flowers?
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  • kayteekay85kayteekay85 member
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    Thank you so much ladies for the support. Especially those who have personal experiences with Aspergers. I love the idea of getting her a corsage and have her (any my Brother, who is also not in the WP) mentioned in the program.

    I have figured out an alternative role for her! I am going to ask her to be the "Ringkeeper". I asked my Fiancee if he would be ok with this and he thinks its a good idea. It will involve her in the wedding without too much pressure. We will have her keep the rings and present them to the officiant at the appropriate time.

    I am also going to request a special sister portrait from my photographer (who will LOVE that, as she has three sisters!)

    Thanks again for all the love and help! :)
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  • drunkenwitchdrunkenwitch member
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    Change your username and stick around, I like you!

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  • artbyallieartbyallie mod
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    Knottie1449509948 said:
    Thank you so much ladies for the support. Especially those who have personal experiences with Aspergers. I love the idea of getting her a corsage and have her (any my Brother, who is also not in the WP) mentioned in the program. I have figured out an alternative role for her! I am going to ask her to be the "Ringkeeper". I asked my Fiancee if he would be ok with this and he thinks its a good idea. It will involve her in the wedding without too much pressure. We will have her keep the rings and present them to the officiant at the appropriate time. I am also going to request a special sister portrait from my photographer (who will LOVE that, as she has three sisters!) Thanks again for all the love and help! :)
    I don't love the 'ringkeeper' idea. Particularly given that the ringbearer is usually a child. Seems potentially insulting.
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  • kayteekay85kayteekay85 member
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    Well, that's why I am not asking her to be "ringbearer". Everyone involved, including my sister, loved the idea.
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  • spockforprezspockforprez member
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    artbyallie said:
    Knottie1449509948 said:
    Thank you so much ladies for the support. Especially those who have personal experiences with Aspergers. I love the idea of getting her a corsage and have her (any my Brother, who is also not in the WP) mentioned in the program. I have figured out an alternative role for her! I am going to ask her to be the "Ringkeeper". I asked my Fiancee if he would be ok with this and he thinks its a good idea. It will involve her in the wedding without too much pressure. We will have her keep the rings and present them to the officiant at the appropriate time. I am also going to request a special sister portrait from my photographer (who will LOVE that, as she has three sisters!) Thanks again for all the love and help! :)
    I don't love the 'ringkeeper' idea. Particularly given that the ringbearer is usually a child. Seems potentially insulting.
    Someone has to perform this role at weddings (and usually ringbearers are such in name only as they don't actually carry the rings), so why not the OP's sister? We are planning to ask my FH's parents to hold and present the rings as a small part of the ceremony. I'm not calling them the "ringkeepers" (and the name maybe is a liiiittle cheesy), but they're serving the same function. Not insulting at all.
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  • drunkenwitchdrunkenwitch member
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    kayteekay85 said:

    Well, that's why I am not asking her to be "ringbearer". Everyone involved, including my sister, loved the idea.

    I think it's a lovely idea, and it sounds like your sister feels the same way.

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  • kayteekay85kayteekay85 member
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    drunkenwitch said:

    Change your username and stick around, I like you!

    done! :)

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  • drunkenwitchdrunkenwitch member
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    Come on over to the Chit Chat board

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  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
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    I am with Drunkenwitch all the way on the advice.  My son is on the spectrum and anyone who is has different comfort levels of different things.

    Sounds like you have found a great solution.  Good luck!
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