10 years on TK, and got my first warning

NOLABridesmaid · January 2016

This brings back so many memories.

Carry on, ladies.

AddieCake · January 2016

@minskat30 Yes, of course the you was general. I appreciate you being sorry, but I'm confused why you say you're sorry the message I received was that I am not welcome to post there b/c that makes it sound like I misunderstood. If I'm misunderstanding you NOW, I apologize.

There is no misunderstanding what was said in the thread. It was loud and clear that several people on the NEY board do not want non NEY regs to post on "their" board unless they are also going to join in regularly in the chitchat. Posting there just in wedding threads is not appreciated by several. There was no mistaking that. So I won't. Message received and request acquiesced to.

ETA: I'm also a tad confused since you are one of the people who "liked" the gif and the request for it as well as Labro's follow-up reply/explanation to me why you would say you don't feel that way and be sorry what I took away as a message. Your "liking" of it makes it seem like you agree with not wanting non NEY regs posting there.

ThxSugar · January 2016

Swazzle said:
@ThxSugar - I was the first person to respond to the question that you're referring to and my response was absolutely NOT in a "how dare you post your question here" sense. I specifically asked if you meant to post it elsewhere because people accidentally post questions/threads on the wrong board on TK all the time and then the thread gets moved to the right place. I was genuinely thinking you meant to post your question on a board more geared towards WR things as opposed to a board that is meant to be for people are not engaged yet. I obviously couldn't have known that you had lurked for a long time and were trying to join in the conversation and my intent was not to imply that you were not welcome to post on NEY.

@swazzle it's cool. I know this in hindsight. I was just taken aback at the time b/c 3 threads down was a question about finding a venue, or something, and everyone was so helpful. It came across as we will discuss wedding planning with her but not you. A lot of these boards do not deal exclusively with what the title is, that makes it difficult to figure out which boards to post to when a newb is just starting to figure out TK.

thisismynickname2 · January 2016

AddieCake said:

@minskat30 Yes, of course the you was general. I appreciate you being sorry, but I'm confused why you say you're sorry the message I received was that I am not welcome to post there b/c that makes it sound like I misunderstood. If I'm misunderstanding you NOW, I apologize.

There is no misunderstanding what was said in the thread. It was loud and clear that several people on the NEY board do not want non NEY regs to post on "their" board unless they are also going to join in regularly in the chitchat. Posting there just in wedding threads is not appreciated by several. There was no mistaking that. So I won't. Message received and request acquiesced to.

ETA: I'm also a tad confused since you are one of the people who "liked" the gif and the request for it why you would say you don't feel that way and be sorry what I took away as a message. Your "liking" of it makes it seem like you agree with not wanting non NEY regs posting there.

Ok... I'm going to add some cents here because I really agree with Addie.
I joined TK shortly before getting an official proposal with a ring. I never posted on NEY and just jumped into mostly E for planning help and Chit Chat.
So to Addie's bolded here, I was mostly ensconced in CC to do my daily chitchat and truly thought NEY was a place for women who weren't engaged to talk.
I very very rarely looked at NEY. Never became part of that community. It was only maybe in the past year that I noticed most of the people on that board are engaged and married, which further led me to feel like it was too tight a community if people didn't leave the board after being engaged. (Sure, yes, I see some names on other boards, but it is a main board for many.)

But, lo and behold, one day NEY had a post about crazy things you did before you got officially engaged. I did something crazy, yes, and figured I could share my silliness. Oh. Oh no. One could argue that I missed the snark levied at me but to me, the snark was outright mean. A thread created literally to share crazy behavior and I was the one made fun of for crazy behavior. Talk about unwelcoming. GBCK? More like GBCNEY.

I only posted one other time there, I believe, because there was a thread I noticed I could contribute to, and that went fine. But I definitely saw a "You Can't Sit With Us" vibe and thus keep my chitchat to Chit Chat.

If there's going to be an argument for "post here if you actually introduce yourself and contribute to chit chat," well, that's just silly because there's an entirely other board designed for chit chat! Where many of us have been for years! Jeez!

NOLABridesmaid · January 2016

Confession:

I never go on NEY so I am a tad confused, but I'm reading between the lines. I also never clicked on the link that has since disappeared, so there's that too.

AddieCake · January 2016

@NOLABridesmaid

Short (and paraphrased) version: There was a post by a girl woman with a wedding question with a bit of a WTF to it, and several non NEY regs commented in it. A request was made that someone make a "Thanks, guys, NEY's got this" gif as a way of telling us they didn't need us "helping" with our comments. Gif was made. I commented about what the message clearly was, and there was an explanation that "we" never post there unless it's on a BSC thread and it's like Jesus coming to the disciples and that we think we know everything and that's why we come out of the woodwork on "their" board for crazies.

Edited to change "girl" to "woman" b/c God forbid that be taken wrong.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2016

minskat30 said:

@PrettyGirlLost - Thank you for the measured response, I do appreciate it. I don't think of NEY as "my" forum either...it is just the forum I predominately post in. I know this is a wedding forum and most people are just fucking around here. NEY is also, to me, a spot where a lot of people I consider great friends post...genuine wonderful people that are funny and snarky and kind when you get to know them. I think it can be easy to get defensive on the internet when tone can't really be read and you have friends on here but getting defensive isn't my goal. I don't perceive NEY as territorial but my perception is just that, mine. Taking a step back, I do genuinely get why others may feel it is. It is also a pretty tight knit group that meets in "real" life in many circumstances and many of the members talk outside of the forum. I do see how it can be hard to find a post to break into to post, so to speak. I guess I just wanted to say, I don't bite and a lot of us don't. I hope that is coming across in the right tone...I haven't had my coffee yet.

I don't think you were being defensive and territorial- not in this post or in the "Emotional" NEY post. Other people were being defensive and territorial.

Which I can't wrap my had around because these are public discussion forums owned by XO, not any one of us, the OP isn't a "reg" on any board, the "reg" that responded to the OP has posted on NEY before, and the ppl who took issues with "other regs" posting on their turf post on other boards here as well and seem to be pretty laid back and decent posters.

So to me this is all just much ado about nothing! I think all parties involved are just trying to have fun Knotting in their own ways.

lyndausvi · January 2016

I think it's asinine that long term KNOT regulars have to do an introduction on a sub-board in order to participate with their regs.

Most users pop into the more active boards once in a while (even if it's only to lurk) and know that Addie is a regular across the board as a whole. If you don't know, one click on her profile would tell you.

The message was VERY clear in that thread.

NOLABridesmaid · January 2016

Ha. Thanks, Addie.

AddieCake · January 2016

A couple years ago, several NEYers were venturing to E and CC, and a bunch of us got chummy, and several of us started posting more on NEY. Yes, I drifted from that and rarely post there now, so now I guess I'm just like one of those bridesmaids who gets kicked from the wedding for not being involved much.

Swazzle · January 2016

@thisismynickname - You posted that you bought your wedding dress before you were engaged and that it's still a secret you keep from your H. I posted the Prince sideeye gif. THAT is what was so outright mean to you? JFC.

thisismynickname2 · January 2016

Swazzle said:

@thisismynickname - You posted that you bought your wedding dress before you were engaged and that it's still a secret you keep from your H. I posted the Prince sideeye gif. THAT is what was so outright mean to you? JFC.

The first time I took it in stride. Then it was posted again. I saw no one else getting made repeatedly made fun for the stupid shit the thread was supposed to be about so yes, I took it as mean. In the context of a very clique-y board, I took it as my cue to not come back. As you all can see, there aren't exactly few of us with the perception of the board.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2016

labro said:

I'd add in my $.02 although I think @AddieCake stated it fairly already. I'll admit, and have admitted in the thread, that I was in the wrong to state it. It doesn't change how I feel. We appreciate and WANT new people to participate. And frankly, it gets tiresome that other regs are clearly lurking and only ever participate when a there's a BSC post or something like the post earlier asking for help. We have plenty of other WR and non WR chats on the board, we play games, have confessions threads, etc. But anyway, that's MY opinion, and does not represent NEY.

Like I said in my response to minskat30, some people LIKE to participate in the BSC threads or the posts where people are seeking advice, especially when they are seeking wedding related advice since the general point of this community, save for maybe 2 subs, is wedding planning ;-)

And if ppl aren't participating in your general, shoot the shit threads, it's probably because those types of threads are not their cup of tea- on any of the TK subs; If ppl aren't participating in NEY confession threads it's very likely they aren't participating in them on CC or WW or SB either, know what I mean?

So it shouldn't be "tiresome" to anyone when people choose to participate in specific content that they like and ignore content that doesn't appeal to them. . . it's just the way discussion forums work, right?

Based on responses in that thread, some ppl on NEY seem to be haunted by some old, perceived reputation that NEY had for being a hotbed of BSC, and they seem to perceive other TK "regs" popping in to respond to posts as almost talking down to you guys. I don't think that is the case, though. People are drawn to certain posts over others, that's it. And BSC can exist across all the TK subs, it's not exclusive to any single sub. . . although I'd say WP, E, Reception Ideas, Wedding 911, and Moms and Maids get a lot of BSC ;-)

RE: the whole issue about linking other threads. I think it's pretty established that everyone agrees the rule is ridiculous and unclear. And honestly, if you have a problem with what I or anyone else says or gifs, then tell me. Don't link it elsewhere on TK. Tag me, I promise I won't hide. I don't see why people all of a sudden had an issue with being indirect about it when TK is known for its very blunt and direct culture. As for the the warning. I think what everyone's issue was probably that there were mods actively participating in the thread with the link and ignoring the fact that @Heffalump had done something against TOS. Regardless of whether or not the rule makes sense, it IS a rule, and a non NEY mod definitely thought it was ok to mod on NEY and report and warn @minskat30 for the same instance. That was our issue. To us, it was a double standard of some mods saying "not my board, not my problem" while a mod decided that NEY was her problem and took action. So, what is the standard? In the old TK, mods generally stuck to their own boards and didn't mod outside of their "territory" but that seems to have changed to more of a roaming mod model. Is that the expectation from TK?

ShesSoCold · January 2016

If there's crazy happening on any main TK board, I'mma sniff it out. My board, your board, IDGAF. I like crazy.

Jells2dot0 · January 2016

labro said:

I'd add in my $.02 although I think @AddieCake stated it fairly already. I'll admit, and have admitted in the thread, that I was in the wrong to state it. It doesn't change how I feel. We appreciate and WANT new people to participate. And frankly, it gets tiresome that other regs are clearly lurking and only ever participate when a there's a BSC post or something like the post earlier asking for help. We have plenty of other WR and non WR chats on the board, we play games, have confessions threads, etc. But anyway, that's MY opinion, and does not represent NEY.

RE: the whole issue about linking other threads. I think it's pretty established that everyone agrees the rule is ridiculous and unclear. And honestly, if you have a problem with what I or anyone else says or gifs, then tell me. Don't link it elsewhere on TK. Tag me, I promise I won't hide. I don't see why people all of a sudden had an issue with being indirect about it when TK is known for its very blunt and direct culture. As for the the warning. I think what everyone's issue was probably that there were mods actively participating in the thread with the link and ignoring the fact that @Heffalump had done something against TOS. Regardless of whether or not the rule makes sense, it IS a rule, and a non NEY mod definitely thought it was ok to mod on NEY and report and warn @minskat30 for the same instance. That was our issue. To us, it was a double standard of some mods saying "not my board, not my problem" while a mod decided that NEY was her problem and took action. So, what is the standard? In the old TK, mods generally stuck to their own boards and didn't mod outside of their "territory" but that seems to have changed to more of a roaming mod model. Is that the expectation from TK?

Back before tech issues have pretty much made being a mod pointless, we generally did stick to "modding" our own boards. Anyone can report a violation, but if another mod reported a violation on my board, they usually tagged me to take care of the warning or deletion. The only exception to this is vendors- it's a free-for-all on getting rid of vendor. We all also try to let each other know when we're not going to be around, so you may see a mod do stuff on a board that isn't theirs because they know the assigned mod is OOT.

Then, tech decided to not fix their bugs. Many of the mods are on desktops only, so they can't address the reports. Things can only be taken care of via mobile or via KR/KH. We all started helping each other out if one of us happened to be on mobile. I also know that I was getting tagged in posts and wasn't receiving the tag notification.

It's messy to be a mod right now until tech decides to do their job. I saw the issue and should have tagged PeaseBlossom or posted a note for her on the mod board, but I was in a rush and things were getting a little heated. I then ran off to meetings and could not post a report or issue a warning right away. I can't speak for other mods, but I'm sure the tech issues were part of the reason it wasn't addressed sooner. I also didn't even notice the link right away. I had to purposely look for it. Oh, and no one else reported it. We try to address reports as quickly as we can, but with this tech shit, we now have to tag KR/KH to address every post that gets reported.

Again, it's a mess.

labro · January 2016

@PrettyGirlLost I would say the difference between the some of boards you listed and NEY is that we have an extremely active community that takes up 95% of what actually happens there and the other 5% is either "Hi, I'm new here!", "I'm fucking BSC!!!11!", or something equally random. So anyway, that's why I said what I did. It felt like "Ok, I'm glad you all think we're good enough to notice when this 5% of our activity happens, and then you never come back again" because some of those people DO participate in random chit chat threads, among others. And as I've also admitted, it was wrong, and made even more especially clear that it was wrong by all of your points.

Anyway, I think you're definitely right on the perception of NEY, but I think it comes more from the perceptions of other boards like on Wedding Bee that actually feed the BSC (ever heard of the Waiting List they have?). I think for a very very long time we've had a strong community there of women who have come in, stuck around, and stayed to help talk others down from BSC feelings, and have also stayed for the friendships that extend to IRL. And it's been that way for at least 6 years now based on my knowledge.

minskat30 · January 2016

AddieCake said:

@minskat30 Yes, of course the you was general. I appreciate you being sorry, but I'm confused why you say you're sorry the message I received was that I am not welcome to post there b/c that makes it sound like I misunderstood. If I'm misunderstanding you NOW, I apologize.

There is no misunderstanding what was said in the thread. It was loud and clear that several people on the NEY board do not want non NEY regs to post on "their" board unless they are also going to join in regularly in the chitchat. Posting there just in wedding threads is not appreciated by several. There was no mistaking that. So I won't. Message received and request acquiesced to.

ETA: I'm also a tad confused since you are one of the people who "liked" the gif and the request for it as well as Labro's follow-up reply/explanation to me why you would say you don't feel that way and be sorry what I took away as a message. Your "liking" of it makes it seem like you agree with not wanting non NEY regs posting there.

Ok, I thought the gif was in jest...as most of our gifs are. I also understand labro's point as well as swazzle's and goldenpenguin's (who provided a counter-point of sorts and whose posts I also liked...if we are counting tallies of likes). I would ask that you read what I wrote in the thread which expressed my actual opinion (i.e., one of my posts specifically said "I also welcome contributions from others on NEY...no one here runs the board. I do think it is prudent to get to know people on the board and the board's style before posting, but that's just me").

I'm also not saying sorry you perception is wrong @AddieCake - that wouldn't be much of a sorry. I understand why you came to the conclusion you came to and I'm sorry for any contribution I had to it. What I am also saying is there are differences of opinion on NEY, as there are here I'm sure, and the thread wasn't completely one-sided. As someone who regularly posts on NEY, and who recently felt the burn of feeling like I didn't fit in to a discussion in real life that has nothing to do with TK, I'm just saying it wasn't my intent to seriously exclude anyone. But it seems in trying to clarify that intent, I've created more of a mess.

wink0erin · January 2016

My two cents... everyone is taking this way too seriously.

Some people are brutally honest and say snarky things and we appreciate them for it. TK as a whole is filled with snark and sarcasm and gifs, and it's why I lurk all over the place and chime in here and there. If someone called me out and said "who the eff are you and why are you here?" I'd roll my eyes and continue doing what I'm doing. It's an internet board. It's not something to freak out about.

I mean approximately 80% of the time posting isn't serious. Example: a several page quote tree of a pooping cat gif.

AddieCake · January 2016

@minskat30

I did see the other things you posted in the thread. That's part of why I was confused on how you actually felt when you seemed to be agreeing with both people saying "we" shouldn't post there sporadically and with people like Swazzle who were asking WTF difference it makes.

I do appreciate your apology and that you recognize why I came to the conclusion I came to.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2016

ShesSoCold said:

If there's crazy happening on any main TK board, I'mma sniff it out. My board, your board, IDGAF. I like crazy.

wink0erin said:

My two cents... everyone is taking this way too seriously.

Some people are brutally honest and say snarky things and we appreciate them for it. TK as a whole is filled with snark and sarcasm and gifs, and it's why I lurk all over the place and chime in here and there. If someone called me out and said "who the eff are you and why are you here?" I'd roll my eyes and continue doing what I'm doing. It's an internet board. It's not something to freak out about.

I mean approximately 80% of the time posting isn't serious. Example: a several page quote tree of a pooping cat gif.

Double Amen. I'm the same way. . . does that make me a bad person? I feel sorry for my husband!

CMGragain · January 2016

@AddieCake , I was offended by that post on NEY, too. In a few months they are going to want my advice on wording their invitations. Hmm.

MobKaz · January 2016

@PrettyGirlLost said, "And if ppl aren't participating in your general, shoot the shit threads, it's probably because those types of threads are not their cup of tea- on any of the TK subs; If ppl aren't participating in NEY confession threads it's very likely they aren't participating in them on CC or WW or SB either, know what I mean?"

*Ding*Ding*Ding. This sums me up perfectly. I have been on the boards since 2010, and am probably considered a "reg" for the E and Moms/Maids boards. I will dabble in some of the other boards on occasion. I have seen the getting to know you/shoot the shit/survey threads but never participate in them. I prefer to keep a lower profile in terms of my real life and the facts I disclose about it. It is a matter of privacy versus community. I will and have shared personal information via PM's, but am very cautious regarding what I post beyond the wedding world.

An internet forum does not, and should not mandate that people "get real" to allow posts. Most people, in fact, do so because of the anonymity.

spockforprez · January 2016

I never went into NEY much because I figured, I'm engaged, so I can't relate to a board of not-engaged-yet posters. Someone above mentioned the waiting boards at WB and that's definitely what I thought NEY was for (and I am super not into the BSC waiting bees). Hard to fix that perception because I think just the name of the board keeps people away. Occasionally I'd see an interesting headline while scrolling past and visit just for that one thread - so yes, mostly the crazy threads.

I haven't been around long enough to feel like my opinions carry any weight so I'll skip over the rest of it (except to say it's very entertaining and at the same time seems to be producing some constructive discussion) but I will say I don't think TK has a strong culture or policy around introductions. Usually Knotties drop in from the sky with an issue and they either run away scared after the responses or they are cool and stick around, jumping into other threads. I never introduced myself anywhere. Maybe that was a faux pas, I don't know, but no one ever said boo to me about it.

10 years on TK, and got my first warning

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