Wedding 911

My Parents Cancelled My Wedding...

2

Re: My Parents Cancelled My Wedding...

  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall
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    It's generally not considered a "new event." For example, we had to change venues 6 months out. Did that make it a new event? Nope. Just a change of venue, and for you, a change of date.

     People might feel differently in your situation, though. Generally, nobody gets the "I'm a special snowflake with a unique situation" pass, but some situations, DO qualify as "unique," and yours is not necessarily 100% unique, but a curve ball was certainly thrown, especially if any of those people were invited b/c they were people your parents wanted invited. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    MesmrEweCaitFins
  • I feel like this situation should be given a pass with regard to inviting everyone who received a STD. It wasn't necessarily her choice to send those to everyone and her parents are the ones responsible for that and the change of circumstances. They should be the ones to take the heat if anyone is offended that they've been cut from the revised plan.
    SP29GlamQueenBride
  • jacques27jacques27
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    edited January 2016

    Thanks all. I know that they are majorly overstepping their boundaries. I haven't spoken to them at all since Tuesday of last week, not because I want to give them the silent treatment, but because they cannot wrap their heads around why FI & I are hurt, so I am not prepared to have any kind of conversation with them until it can be a productive one. 

    I have been starting to look at alternative venues, caterers etc...because I feel like the only way to move past this is to move forward. Here's my question: back in October my parents insisted on sending STDs to all 155 guests. Do I have to stick to the original list? I am torn because I feel like nobody on the guest list did anything wrong, so I hate the idea of cutting them out. 

    I think it really depends on what your plan is moving forward. Can you afford to host that many people paying for it yourself? If it's going to be held on a new day, you certainly don't have to stick to the original list. You're essentially planning an entirely different event. Send cards notifying people of the cancellation of the original event. Same day may be trickier, but still doable if the event is drastically changed from the original (now only doing courthouse with dinner at a restaurant with parents and siblings). I don't think you could go from 155 to 120 though and have a similar wedding on the same day. But ultimately, even though they did nothing wrong, they are not entitled to a wedding if you can't afford it. Just make sure you make it clear the event as originally planned is cancelled and treat this as an entirely new event. If you don't do that and just go on as if this didn't happen as far as your guests would know, and the only difference is who is paying then you will need to accommodate everyone who got a save the date. The easiest way to do that is scale back the event and change the time so it doesn't fall over a meal time and have a cake and punch reception.

    As an aside, I'm still confused how your parents would even know or be able to surmise your fiance isn't doing enough if you aren't living together with them...unless you are sharing these details with them. If that's the case, then I would stop that. Would I mention to my mom that my SO got laid off? Sure, most likely. But I wouldn't mention if he's depressed about it, or having a hard time motivating himself, our going over what his plans are. That's between you and him. Not you and him and mommy and daddy. Just how are they able to get that kind of an impression if you're not living with them? I'm certainly not siding with then...their reaction was horrible but it seems like there is some sort of a deeper problem of being too involved and potentially you being the gatekeeper to let it be that way.
  • FI and I are looking at a venue that we loved from the beginning...it has a max a capacity of 120 (which doesn't mean we would have to fill that but we certainly can't overfill). The new venue would be in a different state and the wedding would most likely be months after the original date. 

    We are both much closer to a lot of our friends who are on the list than we are to family members but I think cutting family members could lead to some big hurt feelings so I'm not really sure what we'll do in the end. If we cut down the list I think we would make really drastic cuts (chop it down to 50-75). I don't want to just un-invite my parent's friends. That feels spiteful to me.
  • I agree with @AddieCake that generally I don't think canceling a venue or a date would get somebody off the hook, but personally, I think this is a situation where, if I had been a causal guest (like a co-worker or classmate) who was originally invited, and then found out your story for why you had to cancel your original date and knew you had to downsize the wedding dramatically, I would not be offended by not being invited to the new date. But that is just my personal take. It doesn't make it good etiquette, so I would turn to the other ladies for confirmation on what to do. 

    I also feel that any guests who were really invited for your parents' sake rather than yours could probably not be re-invited (or whatever the appropriate terms is -- left invited?), since it is likely if they are your parents' friends, they may be taking your parents' side on this. I would personally not want to host people who may be disapproving or gossiping about my wedding.

    Do you know what date you might move the wedding to? I know when my fiance and I first planned on getting married, we weren't sure if our parents would be helping host or not. One of the original plans was looking at renting a covered picnic area at a nice park during late spring/ early fall which could hold around 50- 75 people. There were a few that had electricity available, even, so we could have set up a speaker and done a first dance. We would have found a local caterer to bring in something like baked chicken and sides. Got a bunch of jugs of lemonade and water, and a bunch of cupcakes. It might not have been the fanciest affair in the world, but I think it would still have been fun in its simplicity, and would have been within our personal budget to save for and host. 

                        


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  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
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    Yes, OP, can you clarify how your parents know what your fiance is up to?
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    FI and I are looking at a venue that we loved from the beginning...it has a max a capacity of 120 (which doesn't mean we would have to fill that but we certainly can't overfill). The new venue would be in a different state and the wedding would most likely be months after the original date. 

    We are both much closer to a lot of our friends who are on the list than we are to family members but I think cutting family members could lead to some big hurt feelings so I'm not really sure what we'll do in the end. If we cut down the list I think we would make really drastic cuts (chop it down to 50-75). I don't want to just un-invite my parent's friends. That feels spiteful to me.


    I think if you truly cut down the current list by at least half, you will be ok.  Might still be some hurt feelings, but the guest list will have been considerably cut back from its original list.  When moving forward with creating a new guest list, invite in circles.  So all aunt/uncles and first cousins, but no children of first cousins. 

    And if your parent's friends are on the list, they would be the first people I cut unless I knew them personally.  Cutting your guest list will be hard, but those people will make it easier for your to keep the people you truly want there.  If your parents get all butt hurt by that you just calmly explain that crafting your current guest list was difficult but that you could only invite x number of people and it was more important to have friends and family you know and love attend.

    Also, do not B list anyone.  Invite your max amount of people at the same time (expecting 100% attendance) and don't send out another round of invites if you get any declines.  That is rude.  Not saying you were planning to do it, but more of an FYI.

    mollybarker11
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    What about your FI's side?  Was he inviting anyone who is going to not understand your situation and be hurt if they are not invited to the revised wedding?  Don't forget to factor this in when deciding who to cut.
    VicTim328
  • spockforprezspockforprez Virginia
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    It sounds like you're changing the date altogether? Wouldn't that mean the original guest list would no longer apply? 
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    CMGragaincharlotte989875
  • To me, it makes perfect sense that once you officially and formally announce that the wedding formerly planned is canceled that anything after that is a whole new event. 

    Agree with PP's that it will certainly be less awkward the more you can differentiate the new event from the old- significantly smaller guest list, different date, different venue etc.- but I don't think any of this is technically required from an etiquette perspective. 

    I have a question that's honestly just curiosity, OP- what do you think your parents honestly expect to be the result of them pulling the plug on funding your wedding? I'm assuming they know your financial situation well enough that it's obvious you will not be able to afford to go ahead with the wedding as planned on your own dime, so I'm wondering if they are going to be surprised that you are planning to go ahead and have a wedding within your own means or if they're thinking you'll not get married at all now. What is it that they even want- do they wish you two would break up, or just not tie the knot?

    Good luck OP- I'd be furious with my parents if they did this and honestly I'm not sure I could continue to have a relationship with people so critical of my FI's apparently reasonable life choices.
  •  @themosthappy91 When FI lost his job my parents wanted us to postpone the wedding until things were more stable/FI was out of law school. When I didn't pull the plug they did it. I'm not sure what they thought my reaction would be, and honestly I haven't told them yet that we are planning the wedding on our own, partially because FI is hoping they will come to their senses, but also because we are still in the "looking around" stages and I haven't actually spoken to them (beyond a few text messages) in a couple weeks now. 

    I really would like to get back to the place where we can have a good relationship again, and the consequences of this are so big that I am still wrapping my head around it.
    themosthappy91
  • Thanks all. I know that they are majorly overstepping their boundaries. I haven't spoken to them at all since Tuesday of last week, not because I want to give them the silent treatment, but because they cannot wrap their heads around why FI & I are hurt, so I am not prepared to have any kind of conversation with them until it can be a productive one. 

    I have been starting to look at alternative venues, caterers etc...because I feel like the only way to move past this is to move forward. Here's my question: back in October my parents insisted on sending STDs to all 155 guests. Do I have to stick to the original list? I am torn because I feel like nobody on the guest list did anything wrong, so I hate the idea of cutting them out. 
    Firstly can I said I have nothing but sympathy for your current situation OP.

    Just out of interest, are many of these 155 guests are your parents?

    If you send out a card, like @CMGragain ;has suggested above, saying that the wedding will not take place as planned and replan the wedding on a different date, then NO you do not need to stick to the original list.  

    Like PPs have suggested, reassess your wedding priorities together with FI and set a new date, a new budget and a new guest list.  In a way you may find you enjoy the planning more as the only people that can control it will be you and FI.

    I agree with @LondonLisa that maybe they can't afford the wedding any more so are using this as an excuse to back out.  It's pretty shitty though, especially if they were the ones to insist on sending out STDs to everyone!

    Me and FI had a similar situation (job loss and subsequent depression) several years ago so I know the important thing right now is to support your partner through this time.  My FI has a great new career now and because of this we are able to afford the wedding our our dreams from our own funds.  

    Chin up OP, this will get better!  Sending internet hugs ((()))  
    mollybarker11
  • To me, it makes perfect sense that once you officially and formally announce that the wedding formerly planned is canceled that anything after that is a whole new event. 

    Agree with PP's that it will certainly be less awkward the more you can differentiate the new event from the old- significantly smaller guest list, different date, different venue etc.- but I don't think any of this is technically required from an etiquette perspective. 

    I have a question that's honestly just curiosity, OP- what do you think your parents honestly expect to be the result of them pulling the plug on funding your wedding? I'm assuming they know your financial situation well enough that it's obvious you will not be able to afford to go ahead with the wedding as planned on your own dime, so I'm wondering if they are going to be surprised that you are planning to go ahead and have a wedding within your own means or if they're thinking you'll not get married at all now. What is it that they even want- do they wish you two would break up, or just not tie the knot?

    Good luck OP- I'd be furious with my parents if they did this and honestly I'm not sure I could continue to have a relationship with people so critical of my FI's apparently reasonable life choices.
    I wouldn't be that surprised if they expected the couple just to cancel the whole thing.  Like they said they "were no longer behind the marriage".  

  • Just out of interest, are many of these 155 guests are your parents?


    25.

  • Just out of interest, are many of these 155 guests are your parents?


    25.
    As Pps have suggested, you should let them explain why they are not invited, it's not fair on you.
  • Sorry to hear this has happened to you!!

    Clearly your FI going back to school to try to get into law school, in which he has a possible job at a firm afterwards, is VERY irresponsible! *sarcasm*

    I'm glad to hear you and your FI will continue with your plans for marriage, on your own. Going with what CMGragain has said, host what you can afford, and I would definitely not invite the guests that your parents had invited. You do not need to feel guilty about this. If the sole reason they were invited was because your parents were hosting, then they definitely don't need an invite as the hosts have changed!

    I would send your parents an invitation, but beyond that I would not share any wedding details with them, and definitely do not accept their offer if they come back and offer to host again. 

    Good luck in all this- be supportive of your FI and things will get better :)
    JediElizabethOliveOilsMom
  • Few days late to this but I also just wanted to lend my support to you and your FI! I agree that the best course of action is to send cancellation cards to everyone ASAP, and then proceed with your new wedding plans on a budget & timeline that works best for you as a couple.

    I would strongly urge you to avoid getting sucked into your parents' drama again! If / when you start to get questions from guests of the cancelled wedding, simply refer them to your folks. Anything either side says will be seen as snarky trash talk to the other side, so it's best to say nothing at all. Do not keep your parents in the loop about your new wedding plans. They'd likely take the fact that you're moving forward as a big "F U" (which they should, but it'd mean more fighting). I do not advocate lying, but I suggest keeping things vague and changing the topic if they try to bring it up. Send them an invitation 6-8 weeks before the event, as you would any other guest.

    CMGragainadk19cowgirl8238OliveOilsMom
  • My mother is a financial planner, and front her standpoint he should already have an established career and be thinking about retirement, not taking on more schooling/debt, and while I get that taking on more debt is not ideal, we have both been saving what we can, we both have IRA/401Ks that we are making it a priority to contribute to, and there's only so much one can plan for before you just take it day by day.


    I get your mom wanting her kid to be in a settled / stable financial position from an early age (don't we all), but having an established career by your late 20s or early 30s simply is not the case for most members of our generation!! Times have changed and your world is not the same as hers, or her clients'.

    You and your FI sound like driven, hard-working people. I wish you both the best.

  • @MesmrEwe for the win!!!! That is all really sound advice and something I think I need to give to my friend who is currently planning as well.
  • So I was looking online for nice, reasonably priced cards to send (I think I'll just wind up creating my own on vistaprint)...and found these. I couldn't help but laugh:

    http://www.zazzle.com/our_wedding_is_cancelled_postcard-239164064454182490
    spockforprezhellohkb
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey
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    Wow!  It'd be very awkward to send that postcard out!  I feel like that would invite questions from people more than a more simple card like outlined above.  I'd go with Vistaprint too, they are cheap and you don't need anything fancy.

    Good luck in your planning OP.  Come back if you need help!

  • You can buy blank notes with enveloped very inexpensively from Hobby Lobby or Michaels, and then print the message inside the cards.
    Yeah, that cancel the wedding postcard design is waaay bad.  This is not something that you should joke about.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    MesmrEwe
  • CMGragain said:
    You can buy blank notes with enveloped very inexpensively from Hobby Lobby or Michaels, and then print the message inside the cards.
    Yeah, that cancel the wedding postcard design is waaay bad.  This is not something that you should joke about.
    It's not so much joking about it as that one is pretty cheezy...  And besides, the parents cancelled their part, not the bride & groom - wedding is still on unless they split up, whether guests are invited hasn't been elaborated on by OP...
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    hellohkbCMGragain
  • I found some really nice cards on VistaPrint. On one side I have the wording @CMGragain suggested and the other side is blank. The thing is my mother has apparently been telling people that FH & I made the decision to postpone, which has led friends/family to believe that we have separated.

    Is there some sentiment I could put on the card like: "the couple Thanks You for your continued love & support" something to make it clear that we are in fact still together?
    MesmrEwe
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