Wedding Party Dilemma

Re: Wedding Party Dilemma

• kvruns member

  

  January 2016

  Knottie1448231692 said:

  I have an interesting situation with my wedding party. All of my friends have moved out of state in the last few years. Only 2 of them do I really keep in touch with still. One of them is a guy who I have been friends with for 15 years (since high school) and the other is a girl that I have been friends with for 15 years also, but she lives very far away. I want these two to be my bridesman and bridesmaid, respectively. I also have a friend in the area and we just became friends one year ago but are very close and she loves to help plan things and is very excited about the wedding. I am having a hard time deciding if it would be appropriate to ask her to be my maid of honor if i have only known her for a year. I cannot ask the guy friend or the other girl friend to be maid of honor because they live too far away and can't help with much. I'm considering just asking my mom to be my maid/matron of honor because I know she'll be helping a lot and that would eliminate any issues with friends. Any advice would be appreciated.

  
  ability/desire/motivation to "help" with planning or any wedding activities does not a MOH make. Pick the person to whom you are closest relationship-wise, not who can do the most stuff for you.

  Know what my MOH did for me? She showed up! yea! no projects, no planning, other than a dress shopping appointment (bc she's told me for years I couldn't pick one out without her) nothing else. Voila I'm still married, she's still my friend, things are good.

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• lyndausvi mod

  

  January 2016

  My entire wedding party lived OOT from me.   We all lived OOT from the wedding location also.    My sister (again OOT) and a mother of 3 youngish kids was my MOH.
  
  I guess I don't see the what the issue is of asking an OOT person to be a MOH?

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  

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• frenchiekin member

  

  January 2016

  Choose the person in your life that is closest to you.  Having a MOH is about honoring your very best friend/closest family member, not about their qualifications and interviewing who would be best for the "job".  My MOH did not help at all with planning, other than offering her advice when I asked her opinions on things... which I would do anyway, because she's my best friend.  Your MOH may choose to do things like throw a shower or bachelorette for you, but they are not required.  She may offer to help put your favors together or help you address invitations, but they are not her job and this would be a true offer because she wants to help - and you should not place any expectations on her to do so.
  
  Choose the person who is closest to you because you love them and couldn't imagine not having them next to you as you marry your FI.

  
  

  
  

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• Knottie1448231692 member

  

  January 2016

  Well, I would think it would be difficult to plan any bridal showers or bachelorette parties from across the country. Also would be difficult to help me address and send out invitations. These are things I'm going to need help with and if I have a friend that lives here and will be helping, I think it might be awkward to have the MOH so far away while my BM friend is helping me with everything. My friend that lives far away also has said she may leave our destination wedding immediately after to fly home because it is her daughter's birthday (she is separated from her partner and don't think the partner would be happy she had her daughter in Florida for her 3rd birthday). I feel close to all of them, just in different ways that come from high school friendships versus late twenties friendships.

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• lembaslover member

  

  January 2016

  Knottie1448231692 said:

  Well, I would think it would be difficult to plan any bridal showers or bachelorette parties from across the country. Also would be difficult to help me address and send out invitations. These are things I'm going to need help with and if I have a friend that lives here and will be helping, I think it might be awkward to have the MOH so far away while my BM friend is helping me with everything. My friend that lives far away also has said she may leave our destination wedding immediately after to fly home because it is her daughter's birthday (she is separated from her partner and don't think the partner would be happy she had her daughter in Florida for her 3rd birthday). I feel close to all of them, just in different ways that come from high school friendships versus late twenties friendships.

  1st no one in your wedding party is required to throw you a bachelorette party or bridal shower. You also can't bring this up. If someone offers great, if not you don't get one. You shouldn't be involved so you technically don't need help with planning it...
  
  2nd no one is responsible for helping you address or send out invitations except you and your FI.
  
  3rd get your FI to help you with these things. No one else needs to do anything else but show up.
  
  Pick whoever is closest regardless of how much help they will give you. If you are equally close you don't need a MOH. Contrary to what seems to have become popular belief your wedding will be valid without a MOH who is next to you spending every second of her day planning your wedding...

  

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• frenchiekin member

  

  January 2016

  Knottie1448231692 said:

  Well, I would think it would be difficult to plan any bridal showers or bachelorette parties from across the country. Also would be difficult to help me address and send out invitations. These are things I'm going to need help with and if I have a friend that lives here and will be helping, I think it might be awkward to have the MOH so far away while my BM friend is helping me with everything. My friend that lives far away also has said she may leave our destination wedding immediately after to fly home because it is her daughter's birthday (she is separated from her partner and don't think the partner would be happy she had her daughter in Florida for her 3rd birthday). I feel close to all of them, just in different ways that come from high school friendships versus late twenties friendships.

  To the bolded:  It may be that none of the members of your bridal party that you mentioned are able/willing to throw showers or bachelorette parties for you.  Again, they are not required of them.  Plenty of brides here did not have showers or b-parties.  They are definitely not required to help you with your invitations and you should not volun-tell your friends to do this for you.  It is the responsibility of you and your FI to do that.  I assembled, hand-addressed and stuffed ours all by myself with a little help from FI in sealing the envelopes and stamping.  
  
  If your local friend has already offered to help and wants to, that is fine - and it doesn't mean you need to make her your MOH.  Again, MOHs and BMs have no responsibilities other than to show up on the wedding day in the dress.  BMs can help you more than MOHs.  Even non-wedding party friends can.  But ONLY if they offer of their own free will.
  
  Why does it matter that your far away friend will have to leave your wedding right after to get home to her daughter?  Once the wedding is over, her responsibilities as your MOH/BM end.  This shouldn't factor into whether you choose her as your MOH or not.

  
  

  
  

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• Knottie1448231692 member

  

  January 2016

  Thanks for the advice - I think I will just have Bridemaids and no MOH. They all mean a lot to me and I wouldn't want to get married without any one of them. 

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• AddieCake member

  

  January 2016

  They don't need to plan parties or address invitations unless they feel like it. I can't imagine expecting someone other than my fiancé to address invitations with me.

  What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14

  

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  January 2016

  Knottie1448231692 said:

  Well, I would think it would be difficult to plan any bridal showers or bachelorette parties from across the country. Also would be difficult to help me address and send out invitations. These are things I'm going to need help with and if I have a friend that lives here and will be helping, I think it might be awkward to have the MOH so far away while my BM friend is helping me with everything. My friend that lives far away also has said she may leave our destination wedding immediately after to fly home because it is her daughter's birthday (she is separated from her partner and don't think the partner would be happy she had her daughter in Florida for her 3rd birthday). I feel close to all of them, just in different ways that come from high school friendships versus late twenties friendships.

  FI can help with the invites, and you don't need help with the bridal shower or bachelorette parties because you don't throw these parties for yourself, they're hosted in your honour with minimal input from you.  Your local bridesmaid can take the initiative to do this if she so chooses, or not.

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• indigo26 member

  

  January 2016

  You don't get to plan your own shower or bach party - those only happen if someone offers to host one for you and anyone can offer, not just your wedding party. And if no one offers, then life goes on. Neither party is needed for you to end up married. As far as addressing and sending out invites, enlist your FI to help since its his wedding too. Your wedding party isn't there for free labor. If you want to do any DIY, then that means you do it yourself.  And why should it be a problem for your friend to leave right after the wedding? Just because it is a destination wedding doesn't mean your guests have to stay the whole weekend. 
  
  
  

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• pinkcow13 member

  

  January 2016

  Knottie1448231692 said:

  Well, I would think it would be difficult to plan any bridal showers or bachelorette parties from across the country. Also would be difficult to help me address and send out invitations. These are things I'm going to need help with and if I have a friend that lives here and will be helping, I think it might be awkward to have the MOH so far away while my BM friend is helping me with everything. My friend that lives far away also has said she may leave our destination wedding immediately after to fly home because it is her daughter's birthday (she is separated from her partner and don't think the partner would be happy she had her daughter in Florida for her 3rd birthday). I feel close to all of them, just in different ways that come from high school friendships versus late twenties friendships.

  One of my bridesmaids lives in California, and from what I was told, she was the one that took the most charge when it came to planning my bachelorette and bridal shower. That's just her personality. Still, this is not something to base your decision on. No one has to plan anything for you, but if they do, it's not up to you to decide how difficult it will be for them as you should not be involved in the planning of these events.
  
  They should absolutely not help you address and send out invitations unless they offer to help. Again, not a reason to base this decision on. In fact, a couple of my bridesmaids offered to help me with the invitations, but I politely declined. I just set aside a few hours each night after work, and banged them out with FI.
  
  You can have them all be BM's or all be MOH's (FI had 2 best men), just definitely take out their geography and ability to help out at your wedding out of this.

                               

  

  
  

   

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• lyndausvi mod

  

  January 2016

  Why is it when people like Scribe and myself say all of our WP members were OOT they never ask how we "managed"?
  
  In my case,  yes, 2 of my BMs helped me with addressing invitations and they threw me a shower.  HOWEVER, I flew to them. Not the other way around.  Ha.
  
  Here's another idea.  If you really need help why not ask your FI and his GM's?  For reasons I do not understand, but us BM's get the short end of the stick on being in a WP.   The FI and the GMs always get a pass while the BMs are expected to do things.   
  
  End the madness. 

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  

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• madamerwin member

  

  January 2016

  Just wanted to echo PPs - you should not pick your MOH (or bridal party in general) based on who is available to help you plan. My MOH moved to Australia six months before my wedding, and she flew back to the US two days before the wedding. All I expected of her was that she show up the day-of.  I was stoked just to have here there! Choose your BP based on who you are closest to, and either pick your closest friend to be MOH or don't have an MOH at all.
  

  

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• CMGragain member

  

  January 2016 edited January 2016

  A MOH is simply the person who stands next to you during the ceremony and holds your bouquet while you exchange rings.  She has no special duties.
  It is your wedding.  You and your groom get to plan it.  Nobody owes you any parties.  It is nice when someone offers to host one for you, but it is not anyone's job to do this.  My daughter didn't get a shower, and she didn't care.
  

  

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• SP29 member

  

  January 2016

  Also, a shower or bachelorette party can be hosted (if offered) by non WP members. There is no rule about who has to host these. 
  
  OP- I'm glad you are going to ask all of your closest friends, and keeping them all as "BM" is perfectly fine too. 

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• justsie member

  

  January 2016

  Knottie1448231692 said:

  Thanks for the advice - I think I will just have Bridemaids and no MOH. They all mean a lot to me and I wouldn't want to get married without any one of them. 

  Sounds like a great plan OP, make sure you are listening to PPs about what should be expected of your friends when you ask them to be honorary guests. 

  

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