Moms and Maids

My mom is getting overly offended.

I'm going to start this off by saying that I love my mom. She's practically my best friend since I moved out. However when I got engaged my aunt (by marriage) offered to help with some things including my honeymoon. She has the money to spare and my parents dont. I asked my parents about it and they encouraged me to take her up on this, however she's now upset anytime I ask my aunt anything about wedding etiquette. My parents weren't able to have a big wedding, they went to the court house and consequently they have stated that they don't know any of the fancy wedding things. I could understand this behavior but it's only this one aunt that she's had any issues with my asking for help. I have another aunt (my dads sister) who had a beautiful wedding that I attended as a child and my parents even had me ask my uncle (her husband) to do our engagement photos. I realize that most of this has to do with my parents not really liking that one family member however I dont know how to tell my mother, if at all, that I love both of my aunts and I really need both of their help. My mom has told me that she feels like aunt #1 is stepping on her territory. Which again could be chalked up to her not liking my aunt, but my fiance and I have some friends who want to take us to dinner because they ruined our surprise announcement (by accident) and my mom is now threatening not to throw us an engagement party because "I shouldn't have two" even though our friends just wanted to take us out for burgers to apologize. I'm worried about upsetting her all the time now and I can't even put my foot down because she cries and guilt trips me into doing things her way. She's been more of a bridezilla that we joked I would be.I don't know what to say to her, she obviously dislikes the colors we picked, she's upset my fiance got me a new ring instead of using my grandmother's (it wasn't my style and I've apologized numerous times) and the list goes on. I want to tell her it's our wedding and we're paying for it, but I'm afraid of I do she won't come at all. She walked out on me when I was getting ready for prom because I said I didn't like my hair the way she was fixing it, I don't want her to not be there at all. Any suggestions?

Re: My mom is getting overly offended.

  • I'll try. I love my mother and we get along 90% of the time, but when she gets it in her head that she wants something her way or she thinks something works a certain way she's hard to talk to. I've told her I don't mind that they can't afford to help, my parents are both disabled so I don't ask or expect a whole lot from them, support and to go with me to get my dress, but part of me wonders I'd it might have something to do with her not getting her dream wedding and wanting to go overboard helping with mine.
  • The short answer is to not feel guilty for acting like a rational human being with multiple relationships, set boundaries & stick to them, and bean dip. 

    Easier said than done. 

    For or the long answer, and not 100% wedding-centric...

    I don't usually suggest books, but your mom sounds a lot like mine used to be - particularly with the guilt trips for things that were originally approved or even encouraged. And from the part about prom and the ring, it sounds like a much larger problem than just one aunt. 

    If you get a chance, try reading Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward. It was referred to me by a school counselor in college, and it really helped me see unhealthy behaviors and establish a healthier relationship with my family. It sounds like maybe it could help you?
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I'll try. I love my mother and we get along 90% of the time, but when she gets it in her head that she wants something her way or she thinks something works a certain way she's hard to talk to. I've told her I don't mind that they can't afford to help, my parents are both disabled so I don't ask or expect a whole lot from them, support and to go with me to get my dress, but part of me wonders I'd it might have something to do with her not getting her dream wedding and wanting to go overboard helping with mine.
    When mom is acting that way, don't even try to talk to her. Excuse yourself from the discussion. There's no point of arguing about the wedding with her. She must learn to respect you as an adult. 


                       
    SP29
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    My mom can be like this too.

    I would just tell her, "Mom, I love you, but you've been giving me a lot of hurtful criticism about just about every aspect of my wedding plans and Aunt's involvement, to the point where it isn't helpful.  I'm not willing to hear it anymore.  When you have helpful, positive things to say about my wedding, I'll be happy to hear them, but as long as you only have negative comments to offer about my wedding plans, the subject of my wedding is closed."
    MairePoppycharlotte989875
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'm going to start this off by saying that I love my mom. She's practically my best friend since I moved out. However when I got engaged my aunt (by marriage) offered to help with some things including my honeymoon. She has the money to spare and my parents dont. I asked my parents about it and they encouraged me to take her up on this, however she's now upset anytime I ask my aunt anything about wedding etiquette. My parents weren't able to have a big wedding, they went to the court house and consequently they have stated that they don't know any of the fancy wedding things. I could understand this behavior but it's only this one aunt that she's had any issues with my asking for help. I have another aunt (my dads sister) who had a beautiful wedding that I attended as a child and my parents even had me ask my uncle (her husband) to do our engagement photos. I realize that most of this has to do with my parents not really liking that one family member however I dont know how to tell my mother, if at all, that I love both of my aunts and I really need both of their help. My mom has told me that she feels like aunt #1 is stepping on her territory. Which again could be chalked up to her not liking my aunt, but my fiance and I have some friends who want to take us to dinner because they ruined our surprise announcement (by accident) and my mom is now threatening not to throw us an engagement party because "I shouldn't have two" even though our friends just wanted to take us out for burgers to apologize. I'm worried about upsetting her all the time now and I can't even put my foot down because she cries and guilt trips me into doing things her way. She's been more of a bridezilla that we joked I would be.I don't know what to say to her, she obviously dislikes the colors we picked, she's upset my fiance got me a new ring instead of using my grandmother's (it wasn't my style and I've apologized numerous times) and the list goes on. I want to tell her it's our wedding and we're paying for it, but I'm afraid of I do she won't come at all. She walked out on me when I was getting ready for prom because I said I didn't like my hair the way she was fixing it, I don't want her to not be there at all. Any suggestions?
    I'll try. I love my mother and we get along 90% of the time, but when she gets it in her head that she wants something her way or she thinks something works a certain way she's hard to talk to. I've told her I don't mind that they can't afford to help, my parents are both disabled so I don't ask or expect a whole lot from them, support and to go with me to get my dress, but part of me wonders I'd it might have something to do with her not getting her dream wedding and wanting to go overboard helping with mine.


    Sometimes its not about standing up to your mother.  It's about standing up for yourself and your FI.  Your mom acts a certain way, because she has always gotten away with that behavior and she probably gets her way as well.  Remember, if your mother has always acted this way, she will not change her behavior just because you are getting married.

    If you mom starts up, don't engage and remove yourself from the situation.  "Mom,  I'm sorry, but I can't talk to you when you are like this.  I will catch up with you again when you are calmer.  Bye."  Then hang up or leave.  You aren't engaging her, but also not putting up with her crap.

    I would also keep all wedding talk to a minimum with your mom.  If she ever brings up the lack of wedding talk just say, "Mom, wedding talk always seems to end up in an argument, so I think its best that we not talk about the wedding."

    MairePoppySP29Jen4948charlotte989875
  • I actually talked to a friend today and she suggested that maybe my mother was feeling hurt because she never got to have her own big wedding even though she was planning it. She also just said to tell my mom that I want her involved but not if it's going to be too stressful on our relationship. So I'm not sure.
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