Stepmom Role?

Knottie1452793924 · January 2016

My stepdaughter just got engaged and the wedding is in one year. She and I have a good relationship, and her father and I have been married 20 years, since she was small. Her mother and I are able to make small talk but she is territorial and competitive, and I feel she would prefer I weren't a factor. Her father and I are contributing to the budget with no expectation of having a say in the plans. I would like to offer my help and support, on my stepdaughter's terms, without stepping on her mom's toes, and also avoid getting my feelings hurt. I am not sure what is appropriate or what I should expect. Any thoughts or experiences to share? Thanks!

glasgowtolondon · January 2016

Knottie1452793924 said:

My stepdaughter just got engaged and the wedding is in one year. She and I have a good relationship, and her father and I have been married 20 years, since she was small. Her mother and I are able to make small talk but she is territorial and competitive, and I feel she would prefer I weren't a factor. Her father and I are contributing to the budget with no expectation of having a say in the plans. I would like to offer my help and support, on my stepdaughter's terms, without stepping on her mom's toes, and also avoid getting my feelings hurt. I am not sure what is appropriate or what I should expect. Any thoughts or experiences to share? Thanks!

I can only imagine that this would be a very delicate situation to navigate. You say you have a good relationship with your SD so I can't imagine that she would want to leave you out deliberately. That being said, I have no SM and a great relationship with my mum/FMIL, but I am organising everything myself really. Its not that I'm excluding them, I tell them everything I do, but for me its not a huge deal. I want them there to see me married, and to know that they support the marriage in the first place. For me, those are the important parts. Everyone is different, so I guess what I'm taking a long time to say is that your SD might not have loads for you to do, but that doesn't mean you won'tbe helping/supportive in a meaningful way.

I think the main thing to do here is just to speak to your SD and explain to her that you are happy to help / give support as necessary. Leave it to her to decide what she needs and how she manages it with her mum. Thats all you can do, but if you have a good relationship I think you'll be surprised.

ILoveBeachMusic · January 2016

When I got married many years ago, my stepmother and I were not close. However, she offered to do what ever I needed.(She did give me a wedding binder/organizer which I used a lot). She was also very sensitive to my mother's role and didn't try to be the MOB. She and my mother weren't on speaking terms but they were fine the day of the wedding. Seeing as you have a good relationship with your step daughter, I would just offer your help in whatever way it is needed and let her take it from there. In hindsight, I really appreciate how my stepmother handled things. Now we are closer and she has been a wonderful grandmother to my kids.

SP29 · January 2016

I agree that you should make the offer to your SD that you are willing to help if she needs it, but let her take you up on it if she wants to/ feels it is appropriate.

MairePoppy · February 2016

As MOB, I was a sounding board for the wedding plans, but, DD and SIL did most of the planning themselves. Our $$ contribution was given as a gift with no strings attached. Shopping for DD's wedding dress was my quintessential MOB moment and at that, I offered enthusiastic praise for every dress (OK, except for one) and didn't try to influence her choice. Other than that, I had some input into planning her shower. That was it and it was okay with me. My own mom was a Momzilla and I didn't want to be like that.

You have the right attitude. Let your SD know you're willing to help. Be supportive if she talks to you about her planning. Ask SD to shop for your dress with you so you'll have that special day together. You could offer to host a dinner for SD, her fi and your husband's close family members, so they can meet the groom.

MandTFebruary62011 · February 2016

I'm in your step daughter's place-ish. I think you have a great attitude. I would focus on your step daughter and just be cordial when you are around her mom. This can be a difficult situation, especially if there is tension between the divorced parents/step parent. I know my dad will be appropriate and I count on my mom to cause me stress and tension. My biggest concern is how my step mom always tries to be friends with my mom which my mom has no interest in and causes me a lot of stress. Now, I'm not saying my step mom is wrong in any way, I actually think my mom needs to find a way to peacefully co-exist without making a scene (they've been divorced 20+ years and my dad is on his third wife).

I think that if my dad and step mom just do all great things to support me and my fiance then I will be happy as can be. Let your step daughter decide what she wants you to be a part of. You've been around for a long time and even if she didn't like you you would still be a part of what is happening over the next year! Good luck to you and your step daughter!

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