Sand Ceremony

best4last · January 2016

We are thinking about incorporating a sand ceremony into our wedding. Has anyone done one before?

Just want something a little different than the Unity Candle.

Thanks!

KatWAG · January 2016

best4last said:

We are thinking about incorporating a sand ceremony into our wedding. Has anyone done one before?
Just want something a little different than the Unity Candle.
Thanks!

A sand ceremony is hardly unique. To me, they don't add any value to the ceremony, so I would skip it.

holyguacamole79 · January 2016

My brother had one in his wedding. It was okay, I guess. When loading the vase with the sand into the car, it was not secured, to it spilled out all over the back seat. So, it didn't really go that far.

Don't have a unity "thing" (candle, sand, etc) just to have one. Your wedding is a unity ceremony all in iteself.

best4last · January 2016

KatWAG said:

best4last said:

We are thinking about incorporating a sand ceremony into our wedding. Has anyone done one before?
Just want something a little different than the Unity Candle.
Thanks!

A sand ceremony is hardly unique. To me, they don't add any value to the ceremony, so I would skip it.

KatWAG I was going for "different" not "unique". Thanks for the feedback! Good luck with the baby!

artbyallie · January 2016

best4last said:

KatWAG said:

best4last said:

We are thinking about incorporating a sand ceremony into our wedding. Has anyone done one before?
Just want something a little different than the Unity Candle.
Thanks!

A sand ceremony is hardly unique. To me, they don't add any value to the ceremony, so I would skip it.

KatWAG I was going for "different" not "unique". Thanks for the feedback! Good luck with the baby!

Different from what, exactly? Tons of couples do sand ceremonies. My aunt did one at her wedding five years ago.

ernursej · January 2016

The only sand ceremony that I really thought added to the ceremony was one where the couple had collected sand as a souvenir from their trips together and mixed it with some new sand from the beach they were getting married at. To me, it really represented the couple and their wish to remember the foundation of their relationship. They display the sand bottle on their mantle. If a unity candle or sand ceremony is not significant or really wanted, I might suggest skipping it.

TNDancer · January 2016

My sister did the sand ceremony. She said it looked ugly. Lucky for her, the base was not secure and all the sand fell out anyway once it was moved.

Jen4948 · January 2016

What exactly would the sand ceremony represent? Your wedding is itself a unity ceremony, so what are you looking for this to contribute that won't already be there?

best4last · January 2016

Thanks everyone for the positive feedback. How do I close a discussion?

ShesSoCold · January 2016

best4last said:

Thanks everyone for the positive feedback. How do I close a discussion?

You don't.

best4last · January 2016

@SheSoCold Thanks!

littlemushroom · January 2016

I did a sand ceremony and we loved it. It went over well as almost no one at our wedding had seen one before. We got a lot of compliments on it. It is a treasured memento from our day. We picked colors that represented the values we hoped for in our marriage and explained the meaning during the ceremony as we poured. Let me know if you want to see the wording we used.

best4last · January 2016

littlemushroom said:

I did a sand ceremony and we loved it. It went over well as almost no one at our wedding had seen one before. We got a lot of compliments on it. It is a treasured memento from our day. We picked colors that represented the values we hoped for in our marriage and explained the meaning during the ceremony as we poured. Let me know if you want to see the wording we used.

@littlemushroom Yes Please!!!

AddieCake · January 2016

She specifically said she wanted something different from the unity candle, not that she wanted something unique or different entirely. I don't know why unity ceremonies get so much flack on TK. For some reason, so many people on here have nothing to say about them other than, "Your wedding is the unity ceremony. Skip it."

If people want to do something additional in the ceremony, I don't see why we always have to try to prevent people from having one. It's just a part of a ceremony, like having readings or someone sing. Nobody ever says "You don't need readings in a ceremony. Skip it." when a bride asks for suggestions on readings.

littlemushroom · January 2016

@best4last Here you go!

Today, this relationship is also symbolized through the pouring of these two individual containers of sand. Each color of sand represents the values that you both wish for your marriage. The dark blue sand, for you Groom, stands for loyalty, trust, and commitment. The silver sand, for you Bride, stands for security, stability, and patience. As these two sands are combined, it is a visual reminder that in marriage you are joining all that you were, all that you are, and all that you will be. As these two containers of sand are poured into the third container, the individual containers of sand will no longer exist, but will be joined together as one. You will note that the individual colors do not cease to exist, but at times are blended together. It is this blending that is marriage. Just as these grains of sand can never be separated, our hope for you today is that your lives together would be blended like the seven seas and may your love swirl around each other like the changing tides.

CMGragain · January 2016

There is nothing wrong with doing a sand ceremony at your wedding if this is what you want to do. Just be aware that it is often done at weddings.
I am assuming that you are not having a Catholic or Orthodox ceremony, because it wouldn't be allowed at those ceremonies.

Jen4948 · January 2016

AddieCake said:

She specifically said she wanted something different from the unity candle, not that she wanted something unique or different entirely. I don't know why unity ceremonies get so much flack on TK. For some reason, so many people on here have nothing to say about them other than, "Your wedding is the unity ceremony. Skip it."

If people want to do something additional in the ceremony, I don't see why we always have to try to prevent people from having one. It's just a part of a ceremony, like having readings or someone sing. Nobody ever says "You don't need readings in a ceremony. Skip it." when a bride asks for suggestions on readings.

I think there are three reasons unity ceremonies aren't popular here:

1) They come off like verbal PDA. Just like many people don't feel that they need to know about the couple's history or want to hear "vows" that are just declarations of how much the couple loves each other, these "unity ceremonies" can have very intimate nuances that make third parties uncomfortable to witness.

2) They may be perceived as "cheapening" the main ceremony, which is seen as insufficient to "unite" the couple, even though the main ceremony is what makes the couple "married" and entitles them to the rights and privileges and imposes on them the obligations of marriage.

3) They may seem contrived to "include" cutesy symbols that just aren't clear about their meaning or purpose. Or they don't seem to have a purpose beyond "involving" family members who aren't in the wedding party.

MairePoppy · January 2016

Jen4948 said:

What exactly would the sand ceremony represent? Your wedding is itself a unity ceremony, so what are you looking for this to contribute that won't already be there?

And that is how I used to feel.

I grew up in a Catholic family, most of the weddings I've attended have been full Catholic nuptial masses, where the bride and groom are united in the holy sacrament of marriage. That is the sole purpose of the ceremony. From what I've read on TK, many Protestants believe the marriage ceremony unites the two families, so a representative from each side, usually the moms, light a candle or present vessels of sand for the bride and groom to combine. You, yourself, told me that there is a Jewish word for the new relationship formed between the two mothers and two fathers. I was blown away by that and very appreciative of the info. I will never again tell a couple they should just skip the unity ceremony.

best4last said:

We are thinking about incorporating a sand ceremony into our wedding. Has anyone done one before?
Just want something a little different than the Unity Candle.
Thanks!

If you're not having communion as part of your ceremony, you could have a wine ceremony:

http://www.forthisjoyousoccasion.com/wine-ceremony.html

or:

https://www.officianteric.com/love-letter-and-wine-box-ceremony/

Jen4948 · January 2016

Thing is, sometimes families don't get along or, even when they do, spend no time together or are just so completely different from one another that the symbolism of "family unity" is empty.

I'm wondering what, in the OP's case, the sand ceremony, or any other "unity ceremony" would add to her wedding ceremony that isn't already there.

As far as "machatanim" (the Hebrew word you referenced) goes, my parents have a friendly such relationship with my SIL's parents, but had my ex-BF and I married, I don't think that they would have had one with his mother, just because of different personalities and interests and the fact that they live 1600 miles apart and would spend next to no time with each other. I would have seated them separately at our hypothetical wedding reception so each could be with people whose company they really enjoyed, rather than try to force an empty symbolic machatanim relationship on them.

AddieCake · January 2016

I don't think there has to be a reason or answer to what it adds to it. Some people just like it, just like they just like readings or songs sung. Just like some people want favors or programs. There doesn't have to be a reason for everything beyond just wanting to do it.

Jen4948 · January 2016

AddieCake said:

I don't think there has to be a reason or answer to what it adds to it. Some people just like it, just like they just like readings or songs sung. Just like some people want favors or programs. There doesn't have to be a reason for everything beyond just wanting to do it.

True, but the more elaborate the ceremony, with readings, songs, religious rituals, unity ceremonies, or whatever, the longer the ceremony takes, meaning that you're (generic throughout this post) 1) demanding more of your guests' attention (and possibly making them feel like a captive audience) and 2) if you are being charged an hourly rate for your ceremony venue, you're adding to your costs by lengthening the ceremony.

In either case, while I'm not advocating not doing a unity ceremony if your heart is really set on it, I'm wondering what you and your guests are getting from a unity ceremony that makes it worth the extra time and cost.

AddieCake · January 2016

I get what you're saying. My original point was that it seems to be the norm to just roll our eyes and say "don't do it" when people ask about a unity ceremony, and I think trying to steer someone away from it should only be done if the person is somehow stressing about what to do, or the time involved, or asking what people think about them, etc. "You don't need that; skip it" shouldn't be the default response that it has become whenever someone mentions they want to do some kind of unity ceremony.

Jen4948 · January 2016

AddieCake said:

I get what you're saying. My original point was that it seems to be the norm to just roll our eyes and say "don't do it" when people ask about a unity ceremony, and I think trying to steer someone away from it should only be done if the person is somehow stressing about what to do, or the time involved, or asking what people think about them, etc. "You don't need that; skip it" shouldn't be the default response that it has become whenever someone mentions they want to do some kind of unity ceremony.

Which is fair. And which is why I didn't say "Skip it" although I admit to doing so before. Because you're right, if a unity ceremony conveys something real and special and doesn't seem AWish or like a time-filler or somehow empty, then there's no reason why there shouldn't be one.

artbyallie · January 2016

AddieCake said:

I get what you're saying. My original point was that it seems to be the norm to just roll our eyes and say "don't do it" when people ask about a unity ceremony, and I think trying to steer someone away from it should only be done if the person is somehow stressing about what to do, or the time involved, or asking what people think about them, etc. "You don't need that; skip it" shouldn't be the default response that it has become whenever someone mentions they want to do some kind of unity ceremony.

I admit that this tends to be my response to sand ceremonies in particular because a) I think they're kind of silly b) they seem to be way overdone and c) so often the bride/couple seems to be thinking they have to do something and settle on that for no other/better reason. If it's meaningful to the couple, fine, great, whatever. But having a unity something-or-other for the sake of having one is unnecessary. Favors are unnecessary and if someone is struggling to come up with one, I'd advise skipping that too.

holyguacamole79 · January 2016

artbyallie said:

AddieCake said:

I get what you're saying. My original point was that it seems to be the norm to just roll our eyes and say "don't do it" when people ask about a unity ceremony, and I think trying to steer someone away from it should only be done if the person is somehow stressing about what to do, or the time involved, or asking what people think about them, etc. "You don't need that; skip it" shouldn't be the default response that it has become whenever someone mentions they want to do some kind of unity ceremony.

I admit that this tends to be my response to sand ceremonies in particular because a) I think they're kind of silly b) they seem to be way overdone and c) so often the bride/couple seems to be thinking they have to do something and settle on that for no other/better reason. If it's meaningful to the couple, fine, great, whatever. But having a unity something-or-other for the sake of having one is unnecessary. Favors are unnecessary and if someone is struggling to come up with one, I'd advise skipping that too.

I agree with @artbyallie . It seems like people want a unity "thing" of some sort just to have it. I don't think I've ever been to a wedding where a unity "thing" like sand, candle, etc had a meaning to the couple other than just having it.

I feel the same about readings and other stuff. If you're having it just to have it because you think that's what's expected, it's not really necessary, IMO.

softkittywarmkitty · February 2016

Jen4948 said:

AddieCake said:

She specifically said she wanted something different from the unity candle, not that she wanted something unique or different entirely. I don't know why unity ceremonies get so much flack on TK. For some reason, so many people on here have nothing to say about them other than, "Your wedding is the unity ceremony. Skip it."

If people want to do something additional in the ceremony, I don't see why we always have to try to prevent people from having one. It's just a part of a ceremony, like having readings or someone sing. Nobody ever says "You don't need readings in a ceremony. Skip it." when a bride asks for suggestions on readings.

I think there are three reasons unity ceremonies aren't popular here:

1) They come off like verbal PDA. Just like many people don't feel that they need to know about the couple's history or want to hear "vows" that are just declarations of how much the couple loves each other, these "unity ceremonies" can have very intimate nuances that make third parties uncomfortable to witness.

I don't understand this part. I love the self written vows that most people at TK get all mad about. Why do you think ours friends and family would be uncomfortable with us telling the other why we live them on the day we are getting married? Of course some people cross the line I don't need to know about cutsey nicknames or anything but listing the reasons why you love someone and promising to love them shouldnt be edited out.

CMGragain · February 2016

To answer the last question, a marriage ceremony is about the change of legal status between two adults. It includes the vows to love, honor, and cherish the other person, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, until one of you dies. The word "obey" is no longer included in most marriage ceremonies. Catholic ceremonies include additional promises, and their ceremony cannot be altered.
The marriage vows declare what you promise. They define your marriage. They are legally binding. They do not explain why you love each other, or how much you love each other. If you must do this, the reception party is a good place. These "vows" are not legally binding. They are simply promises that you can make to each other. You can do this in private, and they will be just as meaningful.
Personally, I feel the additional vows are meaningless, but I come from a family with a very high divorce rate. You can do them if you really wish, but know that it will make some people uncomfortable. This last is JMHO.

ILoveBeachMusic · February 2016

CMGragain said:

There is nothing wrong with doing a sand ceremony at your wedding if this is what you want to do. Just be aware that it is often done at weddings.
I am assuming that you are not having a Catholic or Orthodox ceremony, because it wouldn't be allowed at those ceremonies.

It depends on the Catholic parish. My daughter had a unity candle ceremony at her wedding so they might have allowed a sand ceremony. They would need to check with their parish priest and/or wedding coordinator.

spockforprez · February 2016

Well usually the self-written vows aren't vows, they're like a love letter or something. "I knew you were the one for me when you xyz, and every day since then you've stolen my heart with xyz. I love you and can't wait to start our lives together." Or stuff like that. There's no vows or promises in there, which is what the wedding ceremony is all about.

FH and I are going to share private vows before the ceremony (during first look) and say all the mushy stuff we want to say (which will probably be part love letter as above, but will definitely include promises as well) and then will do more traditional vows as part of our ceremony. We did it this way because we will both be really, really emotional (even reading the traditional vows makes me cry at this point) and FH has a lot of social anxiety, so we wanted him to feel as comfortable as possible by minimizing the risk of crying.

Also, my personal taste is for a solemn ceremony. Not sad or boring, but meaningful and serious, rather than humorous. I do like attending humorous ceremonies for other people! Just not wanting that for myself.

Jen4948 · February 2016

softkittywarmkitty said:

Jen4948 said:
I think there are three reasons unity ceremonies aren't popular here:

1) They come off like verbal PDA. Just like many people don't feel that they need to know about the couple's history or want to hear "vows" that are just declarations of how much the couple loves each other, these "unity ceremonies" can have very intimate nuances that make third parties uncomfortable to witness.

I don't understand this part. I love the self written vows that most people at TK get all mad about. Why do you think ours friends and family would be uncomfortable with us telling the other why we live them on the day we are getting married? Of course some people cross the line I don't need to know about cutsey nicknames or anything but listing the reasons why you love someone and promising to love them shouldnt be edited out.

I agree with the bolded-promising to love your spouse need not be edited out.

But that's what vows are-promises. If self-written vows have nothing in them but "You are the love of my life, etc." and there are no promises, they can make other people uncomfortable for the same reason PDA does-because what's being said or done in public is actually private between two people, and it can make the witnesses feel like intruders on a very private and intimate exchange.

So I think listing the reasons why you love someone, and how much, does need to be saved for when the couple are in private, and the ceremony needs to be limited to what can be said in public that won't make witnesses feel like intruders.

flantastic · February 2016

ILoveBeachMusic said:

CMGragain said:

There is nothing wrong with doing a sand ceremony at your wedding if this is what you want to do. Just be aware that it is often done at weddings.
I am assuming that you are not having a Catholic or Orthodox ceremony, because it wouldn't be allowed at those ceremonies.

It depends on the Catholic parish. My daughter had a unity candle ceremony at her wedding so they might have allowed a sand ceremony. They would need to check with their parish priest and/or wedding coordinator.

The candles can at least be mildly liturgical (candles in church = light of Christ or at least prayers rising to heaven, like votives) so I can see where some but not all parishes would allow the candle. We were asked if we wanted one by the wedding coordinator. We opted no because we were in camp "the rite is the unity ceremony."

Sand doesn't have the option to be considered really liturgical, so I doubt it'd fly most places.

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