Moms and Maids

Ways to include my FI sister?

2»

Re: Ways to include my FI sister?


  • Silvene said:
     @marriedhamstermom  , @lnixon8, there really is no reason to be that bitchy in your comments.  We had a budget wedding and could not afford to hire a wedding coordinator or wedding planner.  My MIL was politely asked if she wanted to be included on the day, was given various options, as well as the opportunity to say "no, thank you", if she didn't want to do anything.  She wasn't working on the day, she was just overseeing a few things and since there weren't any issues, she had nothing to do and nothing to deal with.  She was more than happy to feel included in this way, as it was important for us to have someone making sure that things were in order before the rest of the guests arrived.  My in-laws chose to arrive at the venue a few hours before the wedding started and they would have been bored out of their minds if they didn't have something like this to keep them occupied.  

    @Knottie2017523  I apologise if I misread your initial post and misunderstood what you were asking.

    Thank you @Silvene! We can't really afford a coordinator, even though we would absolutely love to (2 college students can't really afford a $20k wedding.. lol). I did not ask anyone too, she volunteered and I am not planning on having any problems or any issues, so she should not have to do anything. The girl and her husband are coming from out of town and she already said she would be there the entire weekend for us and wanted to help out anyway they could. I am glad that one person on this forum understands where I am coming from. 

    The original reason for this post was to see if anyone else knew of a way to include my FI sister in the wedding in a way that I did not know of. We are young, and have not really been involved in a lot of weddings until this past year so I feel like I am going to miss something or not have enough people involved. I was looking for that, not people to tear my post down. Thank you again Silvene, you don't realize how much I appreciate your response :) 


    No one tore you down!  You say you are young, so why don't you listen to the multiple posters with LOTS of wedding experience tell you what is right and appropriate for your wedding day.  But instead you listen to the ONE opposing view.

    You don't know the budgets of anyone's wedding here.  My wedding was not $20k, but yet, I also made sure that my friends and family did not have to do any trivial work. 

    AND people did tell you how to involve your FSIL.  It was as a reader during the ceremony, BM, groomswoman, or as a guest.  If you felt so inclined, to also get her a corsage.  That's it.  Anything else you ask of her to try and include her, is just a trivial job that should either be handled by someone you pay or yourself.

    And I told those people thank you. She is not, and never was going to be given any jobs. EVER. No one in the families are. 
    and no one tore me or this post down? 

    'So the worse advice in this thread, and you confirm how you already have someone to do these things? '

    'I was going to try and help you before you posted that snarky reply.'

    'She should be in charge of the bounce house. '

    'My God, they're breeding like rats!'

    'Please tell us more about what you do and do not want opinions on. We all exist just for you!'

    'This is a bullshit job.'



    Maybe I people are just a little too brutally 'honest' on this 'community' for me. I was looking forward to this 'community' in hopes to find people who would be able to offer advice and helpful tips. And in about 80% of the posts on this site, it seems to be the other way. I am about to give up trying to figure things out and seek our advice on here because of comments like this. Maybe I am too soft hearted, but so be it.

    I am taking the advice of the flowers. We had not discussed have any readings, nor have I ever been to a wedding where there was one so I doubt that will happen. That's why I was trying to see if maybe there was something else I could do to involved her besides just inviting her as a guest since my FI's brother is in the party, I just feel bad she is 'left out.' I did not ask for your opinion on my friend who volunteered, just on my future SIL. So please, lets keep the comments for ways to include my future SIL, and her only. Thank you. 

  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    If those particular comments "tore you down", then I think you need to step back and re-read this thread without any tone. 

    I also think that you should stick around these forums.  Just sit back and lurk on threads until you get a feel for the posters.  We are all here to make sure that you have an etiquette appropriate wedding.  Having a wedding within the bounds of etiquette will allow you to keep your family and friends happy long after the wedding.  And that is why I mentioned how the one bad piece of advice in the thread is the one you confirmed you already have "taken care of".  

    Brides & Grooms have ruined friendships and family relations due to their behaviors leading up to and during the wedding.  We are simply trying to help you avoid having this happen to you as well.  I personally have stopped being friends with a bride after how she (and the MOB) acted during her wedding and directly after it.  There were 4 of us friends and now that bride is no longer friends with anyone else.  It is now the 3 of us.

    Also, if you head over to Wedding Woes there is a thread directed to Lurkers.  If you read that you will see that many of the posters on these boards have been trounced in a first post because they wanted to do something against etiquette, but they stepped back, re-read their thread, realized why they were wrong and stuck around.  I hope you can do the same.

    SP29
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    @Knottie2017523, do you have an indoor contingency plan in case of inclement weather?
  • My mom suggestd I put my fiances sister in charge of the guest book. She did that with my aunt since she had just married my uncle but my mom didn't feel that close to her. 
  • My mom suggestd I put my fiances sister in charge of the guest book. She did that with my aunt since she had just married my uncle but my mom didn't feel that close to her. 
    Here's another one!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker





    InLoveInQueensnerdwifeOliveOilsMom
  • My mom suggestd I put my fiances sister in charge of the guest book. She did that with my aunt since she had just married my uncle but my mom didn't feel that close to her. 
    So you want to tell a person to do something that a sign could do?  Being in charge of the guest book is a Terrible way to "make someone feel involved."  I'd rather be drinking a cocktail and talking to my friends rather than being chained to a table harassing everyone who walks by to "sign the guest book!  Sign the guest book!!  Everyone come over here and sign the fucking guest book!!!!!!"
    InLoveInQueensOliveOilsMomSP29Heffalump
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Does your FSIL even want to be "involved" beyond being a guest and posing in family photos?  Doing those things is being "involved."
    [Deleted User]
  • adk19 said:
    So you want to tell a person to do something that a sign could do?  Being in charge of the guest book is a Terrible way to "make someone feel involved."  I'd rather be drinking a cocktail and talking to my friends rather than being chained to a table harassing everyone who walks by to "sign the guest book!  Sign the guest book!!  Everyone come over here and sign the fucking guest book!!!!!!"
    My parents didn't have a typical ceremony or reception, my aunt actually had to ask people to sign the guest book before they went out for burgers. I was just posting what my mom suggested. 
  • adk19 said:
    So you want to tell a person to do something that a sign could do?  Being in charge of the guest book is a Terrible way to "make someone feel involved."  I'd rather be drinking a cocktail and talking to my friends rather than being chained to a table harassing everyone who walks by to "sign the guest book!  Sign the guest book!!  Everyone come over here and sign the fucking guest book!!!!!!"
    My parents didn't have a typical ceremony or reception, my aunt actually had to ask people to sign the guest book before they went out for burgers. I was just posting what my mom suggested. 
    And this guestbook is very important to your mother today?  She pulls it out monthly to look at it and see the signatures of the 12 people who signed a 50-page leather-bound book?  It was so important that your aunt be involved so she could get Great Aunt Mabel to sign the guest book before getting her burger?  Yeah, I can see how that would be important.  */sarcasm*
    OliveOilsMomInLoveInQueens
  • adk19 said:
    And this guestbook is very important to your mother today?  She pulls it out monthly to look at it and see the signatures of the 12 people who signed a 50-page leather-bound book?  It was so important that your aunt be involved so she could get Great Aunt Mabel to sign the guest book before getting her burger?  Yeah, I can see how that would be important.  */sarcasm*
    Why does it matter to you? It was important to her at the time ands it was her wedding. I was simply stating that this is what my mother did and suggested I do. I don't need your attitude and I'm pretty sure no one else cares for the sacarm either.
    Knottie2017523
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    adk19 said:
    And this guestbook is very important to your mother today?  She pulls it out monthly to look at it and see the signatures of the 12 people who signed a 50-page leather-bound book?  It was so important that your aunt be involved so she could get Great Aunt Mabel to sign the guest book before getting her burger?  Yeah, I can see how that would be important.  */sarcasm*
    Why does it matter to you? It was important to her at the time ands it was her wedding. I was simply stating that this is what my mother did and suggested I do. I don't need your attitude and I'm pretty sure no one else cares for the sacarm either.
    Oooh, what is sarcarm?  Is that a super special form of sarcasm?  

    It matters because people don't need to get assigned bullshit jobs a table and a sign can do.  An honor is being asked to be a reader.  An honor is being asked to be a member of the WP.  An honor is being invited as a guest.  All those other things are just bs jobs that are usually benefitting the bride and groom, and not the person they are so graciously "honoring."


    image
    InLoveInQueens
  • edited January 2016
    levioosa said:
    Oooh, what is sarcarm?  Is that a super special form of sarcasm?  

    It matters because people don't need to get assigned bullshit jobs a table and a sign can do.  An honor is being asked to be a reader.  An honor is being asked to be a member of the WP.  An honor is being invited as a guest.  All those other things are just bs jobs that are usually benefitting the bride and groom, and not the person they are so graciously "honoring."
    Well then you don't have to do those things at your wedding. I wasn't being sarcastic, it was important to my mom at the time and I think we should do whatever is important to us. It's not a matter of what other people think, as long  as everyone involved is happy. So if having someone in charge of those things isn't something you care for don't do it, if it is, then I say go for it. I'm sorry if I came across as sarcastic, I wasn't intending to. There's no need to get mean here, we're all just sharing ideas.

    Edit: I have a crappy keyboard on my phone, hence the spelling errors, there's no need to be mean about it though.
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    levioosa said:
    Oooh, what is sarcarm?  Is that a super special form of sarcasm?  

    It matters because people don't need to get assigned bullshit jobs a table and a sign can do.  An honor is being asked to be a reader.  An honor is being asked to be a member of the WP.  An honor is being invited as a guest.  All those other things are just bs jobs that are usually benefitting the bride and groom, and not the person they are so graciously "honoring."
    Well then you don't have to do those things at your wedding. I wasn't being sarcastic, it was important to my mom at the time and I think we should do whatever is important to us. It's not a matter of what other people think, as ling as everyone involved is happy. So if having someone in charge of those things isn't something you care for don't do it, if it is, then I say go for it. I'm sorry if I cam across as sarcastic, I wasn't intending to. There's no need to get mean here, we're all just sharing ideas.
    That's the thing though, I'm going to smile and say, "of course I'd love to!" if you ask me to watch the guest book, but internally I'm going to be thinking about how much more I would love to relax and catch up with friends and family with a glass of wine.  And it was YOUR MOM who wanted it, not your FSIL.  It's not like FSIL came up to you begging to watch the guest book.  She probably (most likely) was super content with being a guest.  If your fiancé feels that close to her and wants her to be involved, she could do a reading, or he could have asked her to stand up with him on his side.  


    image
    [Deleted User]OliveOilsMomSP29InLoveInQueens
  • levioosa said:
    That's the thing though, I'm going to smile and say, "of course I'd love to!" if you ask me to watch the guest book, but internally I'm going to be thinking about how much more I would love to relax and catch up with friends and family with a glass of wine.  And it was YOUR MOM who wanted it, not your FSIL.  It's not like FSIL came up to you begging to watch the guest book.  She probably (most likely) was super content with being a guest.  If your fiancé feels that close to her and wants her to be involved, she could do a reading, or he could have asked her to stand up with him on his side.  
    I never said I was going to ask his sister. I don't even want a guest book. But I have always told any of my friends and family that there isn't any obligation to do anything. I simply said my mom wanted it and my aunt agreed. Knowing my aunt she probably asked if there was anything my mom had for her to do, she's just that kind of a person. I always give them an out, I wouldn't want to be pressured into something and I don't want the people I love to be either. If his sister does want something to do I'll find something we can both agree on that she'll actually want to do. His sister is pretty creative so I'm sure there's something. 

    We actually decided against family in the wedding party, too many siblings and we didn't want anyone to get offended. We just picked a couple close friends each and kept it small, like our wedding will be.
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    levioosa said:
    That's the thing though, I'm going to smile and say, "of course I'd love to!" if you ask me to watch the guest book, but internally I'm going to be thinking about how much more I would love to relax and catch up with friends and family with a glass of wine.  And it was YOUR MOM who wanted it, not your FSIL.  It's not like FSIL came up to you begging to watch the guest book.  She probably (most likely) was super content with being a guest.  If your fiancé feels that close to her and wants her to be involved, she could do a reading, or he could have asked her to stand up with him on his side.  
    I never said I was going to ask his sister. I don't even want a guest book. But I have always told any of my friends and family that there isn't any obligation to do anything. I simply said my mom wanted it and my aunt agreed. Knowing my aunt she probably asked if there was anything my mom had for her to do, she's just that kind of a person. I always give them an out, I wouldn't want to be pressured into something and I don't want the people I love to be either. If his sister does want something to do I'll find something we can both agree on that she'll actually want to do. His sister is pretty creative so I'm sure there's something. 

    We actually decided against family in the wedding party, too many siblings and we didn't want anyone to get offended. We just picked a couple close friends each and kept it small, like our wedding will be.
    And when your mom said "Why don't you man the guestbook?" your aunt probably thought "Really? There isn't anything actually useful I can do, and you want me to miss cocktail hour for no good reason?"

    I understand offering help, but the bride and groom should make sure that whatever is "important to them" doesn't actually involve making their guests do busy work.

    Let FSIL offer to do something specific, and if she doesn't then don't worry about it. She's being honored by being one of the small circle invited to your small wedding.
    levioosaSP29[Deleted User]
  • edited January 2016
    There was no cocktail hour at my parents wedding. They all left to get burgers after they got married at the court house (they had to cancel their original wedding due to family stuff). So the guest book was the ONLY traditional thing she got and I talked to my aunt about it today and she said she wanted to do it. I also spoke to my fiance and his sister does want to help out with preparations but the things she wants to do are already being handled by another family member who asked first and a professional. I dont want a guestbook, I actually have something more scrapbook-y in mind so we'll figure it out close to the date.

    Edit: I don't mean that EVERYONE would be okay with doing that and I can certainly understand why, if there's festivities going on you wouldn't want to, but my aunt did it more as a gesture to my mom and it was just her suggestion to me.
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    There was no cocktail hour at my parents wedding. They all left to get burgers after they got married at the court house (they had to cancel their original wedding due to family stuff). So the guest book was the ONLY traditional thing she got and I talked to my aunt about it today and she said she wanted to do it. I also spoke to my fiance and his sister does want to help out with preparations but the things she wants to do are already being handled by another family member who asked first and a professional. I dont want a guestbook, I actually have something more scrapbook-y in mind so we'll figure it out close to the date.

    Edit: I don't mean that EVERYONE would be okay with doing that and I can certainly understand why, if there's festivities going on you wouldn't want to, but my aunt did it more as a gesture to my mom and it was just her suggestion to me.
    Traditional or not, I'm pretty sure all the guests could have figured it out without your aunt having to stand there. You are defending your mom's poor choice by saying "but it was the only dumb thing she asked for."
    [Deleted User]
  • There was no cocktail hour at my parents wedding. They all left to get burgers after they got married at the court house (they had to cancel their original wedding due to family stuff). So the guest book was the ONLY traditional thing she got and I talked to my aunt about it today and she said she wanted to do it. I also spoke to my fiance and his sister does want to help out with preparations but the things she wants to do are already being handled by another family member who asked first and a professional. I dont want a guestbook, I actually have something more scrapbook-y in mind so we'll figure it out close to the date.

    Edit: I don't mean that EVERYONE would be okay with doing that and I can certainly understand why, if there's festivities going on you wouldn't want to, but my aunt did it more as a gesture to my mom and it was just her suggestion to me.
    Traditional or not, I'm pretty sure all the guests could have figured it out without your aunt having to stand there. You are defending your mom's poor choice by saying "but it was the only dumb thing she asked for."
    I'm not even going to continue to argue with you on this. But I will say that you don't know my famliy. I don't think it was dumb what she asked for and I dont think it was a poor choice. So you can make all the rude comments you want to about my mother and her decisions. If she wanted my aunt to do it and my aunt was happy to then it shouldnt matter to you in the slightest. It was 25 years ago, so there's no point in bitching about my wheelchair bound mom. It doesn't affect you in any way. I already said what I had to say on the subject so I will just leave, I don't need to waste my time on anyone who's that pissed off by someone they don't even know.
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    I stand by my bounce house attendant suggestion. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    There was no cocktail hour at my parents wedding. They all left to get burgers after they got married at the court house (they had to cancel their original wedding due to family stuff). So the guest book was the ONLY traditional thing she got and I talked to my aunt about it today and she said she wanted to do it. I also spoke to my fiance and his sister does want to help out with preparations but the things she wants to do are already being handled by another family member who asked first and a professional. I dont want a guestbook, I actually have something more scrapbook-y in mind so we'll figure it out close to the date.

    Edit: I don't mean that EVERYONE would be okay with doing that and I can certainly understand why, if there's festivities going on you wouldn't want to, but my aunt did it more as a gesture to my mom and it was just her suggestion to me.
    Traditional or not, I'm pretty sure all the guests could have figured it out without your aunt having to stand there. You are defending your mom's poor choice by saying "but it was the only dumb thing she asked for."
    I'm not even going to continue to argue with you on this. But I will say that you don't know my famliy. I don't think it was dumb what she asked for and I dont think it was a poor choice. So you can make all the rude comments you want to about my mother and her decisions. If she wanted my aunt to do it and my aunt was happy to then it shouldnt matter to you in the slightest. It was 25 years ago, so there's no point in bitching about my wheelchair bound mom. It doesn't affect you in any way. I already said what I had to say on the subject so I will just leave, I don't need to waste my time on anyone who's that pissed off by someone they don't even know.

    redwoodoriginallevioosa
  • There was no cocktail hour at my parents wedding. They all left to get burgers after they got married at the court house (they had to cancel their original wedding due to family stuff). So the guest book was the ONLY traditional thing she got and I talked to my aunt about it today and she said she wanted to do it. I also spoke to my fiance and his sister does want to help out with preparations but the things she wants to do are already being handled by another family member who asked first and a professional. I dont want a guestbook, I actually have something more scrapbook-y in mind so we'll figure it out close to the date.

    Edit: I don't mean that EVERYONE would be okay with doing that and I can certainly understand why, if there's festivities going on you wouldn't want to, but my aunt did it more as a gesture to my mom and it was just her suggestion to me.
    Traditional or not, I'm pretty sure all the guests could have figured it out without your aunt having to stand there. You are defending your mom's poor choice by saying "but it was the only dumb thing she asked for."
    I'm not even going to continue to argue with you on this. But I will say that you don't know my famliy. I don't think it was dumb what she asked for and I dont think it was a poor choice. So you can make all the rude comments you want to about my mother and her decisions. If she wanted my aunt to do it and my aunt was happy to then it shouldnt matter to you in the slightest. It was 25 years ago, so there's no point in bitching about my wheelchair bound mom. It doesn't affect you in any way. I already said what I had to say on the subject so I will just leave, I don't need to waste my time on anyone who's that pissed off by someone they don't even know.
    People in wheelchairs aren't exempt from making shitty decisions. Your aunt would not have said to your mum's face or yours 'hell no!' But that doesn't mean she was happy to do it. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker





  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    There was no cocktail hour at my parents wedding. They all left to get burgers after they got married at the court house (they had to cancel their original wedding due to family stuff). So the guest book was the ONLY traditional thing she got and I talked to my aunt about it today and she said she wanted to do it. I also spoke to my fiance and his sister does want to help out with preparations but the things she wants to do are already being handled by another family member who asked first and a professional. I dont want a guestbook, I actually have something more scrapbook-y in mind so we'll figure it out close to the date.

    Edit: I don't mean that EVERYONE would be okay with doing that and I can certainly understand why, if there's festivities going on you wouldn't want to, but my aunt did it more as a gesture to my mom and it was just her suggestion to me.
    Traditional or not, I'm pretty sure all the guests could have figured it out without your aunt having to stand there. You are defending your mom's poor choice by saying "but it was the only dumb thing she asked for."
    I'm not even going to continue to argue with you on this. But I will say that you don't know my famliy. I don't think it was dumb what she asked for and I dont think it was a poor choice. So you can make all the rude comments you want to about my mother and her decisions. If she wanted my aunt to do it and my aunt was happy to then it shouldnt matter to you in the slightest. It was 25 years ago, so there's no point in bitching about my wheelchair bound mom. It doesn't affect you in any way. I already said what I had to say on the subject so I will just leave, I don't need to waste my time on anyone who's that pissed off by someone they don't even know.
    I'm not saying this just for the sake of insulting your mother. We all make poor decisions sometimes anyway. I'm making a point of this lest anyone else reading this thread think your mom's suggestion was good, because it wasn't.
    OliveOilsMom[Deleted User]
  • I literally said "This is a job for a day of coordinator or wedding planner- not an honor." If people consider that bitchy how do you function in real life?


    [Deleted User]
  • MobKaz said:
    @Knottie2017523, do you have an indoor contingency plan in case of inclement weather?
    yes. The ceremony site has a back up indoor AC location where we will all be getting ready. It has a church in the upstairs (its a barn) that seats 350 people and we have 250 invited. That is where we will all be getting ready and it our back up. It's super convenient for us since there will be no address change or anything so no matter what-its' all on the same property! :)  
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards