Incorporating my son

Knottie11074228 · February 2016

My son is currently 7 months old but will be exactly a year when we get married i would love to do something special with him but im not really sure how to do this

flantastic · February 2016

Knottie11074228 said:

My son is currently 7 months old but will be exactly a year when we get married i would love to do something special with him but im not really sure how to do this

Your wedding ceremony is about the two of you getting married. Your son will be present, which is special, and I think that's as incorporated as he should be. He's too young for any ceremonial role, and even if your fiancé is his father, he is not an actual participant in your marriage, just like all your other family members.

MobKaz · February 2016

You can include him in photographs. He can be carried up the aisle with a grandparent or other relative before being seated with family. There really isn't anything else "special" that can be done. As @flantastic states, the ceremony is adult driven.

You could have a little "dance" with him at the reception.

Jen4948 · February 2016

Have him in photos. He will be "involved" just by being there.

blacknwhitediamonds · February 2016

I think that you son will play a vital role in your marriage. You son if younger than my children and it seems "unnecessary" to a point in that it will indeed add time to your ceremony for an infant. However, if it is important to you and your FI... do it!

We are a blended family. I have 2 children from a previous marriage and he has one. We have 2 children together. It at times has been a difficult transition all of us being together all of the time. We are doing a unit lock ceremony (similar to a sand ceremony) in which the kids will get the opportunity to unite as well, and then together as a family.

artbyallie · February 2016

blacknwhitediamonds said:

I think that you son will play a vital role in your marriage. You son if younger than my children and it seems "unnecessary" to a point in that it will indeed add time to your ceremony for an infant. However, if it is important to you and your FI... do it!

We are a blended family. I have 2 children from a previous marriage and he has one. We have 2 children together. It at times has been a difficult transition all of us being together all of the time. We are doing a unit lock ceremony (similar to a sand ceremony) in which the kids will get the opportunity to unite as well, and then together as a family.

Could you please explain 'unit lock?' That sounds, um.... not positive.

Anyway, having kids in a sand ceremony or whatever is only okay if it is something they want to do. An infant is too young to be asked. Have you asked your children and his? Plus, just IMO, getting 5 kids coordinated to do something at a wedding sounds like a nightmare. I've directed children's plays before and sometimes it can be like herding cats.

MobKaz · February 2016

artbyallie said:

blacknwhitediamonds said:

I think that you son will play a vital role in your marriage. You son if younger than my children and it seems "unnecessary" to a point in that it will indeed add time to your ceremony for an infant. However, if it is important to you and your FI... do it!

We are a blended family. I have 2 children from a previous marriage and he has one. We have 2 children together. It at times has been a difficult transition all of us being together all of the time. We are doing a unit lock ceremony (similar to a sand ceremony) in which the kids will get the opportunity to unite as well, and then together as a family.

Could you please explain 'unit lock?' That sounds, um.... not positive.

Anyway, having kids in a sand ceremony or whatever is only okay if it is something they want to do. An infant is too young to be asked. Have you asked your children and his? Plus, just IMO, getting 5 kids coordinated to do something at a wedding sounds like a nightmare. I've directed children's plays before and sometimes it can be like herding cats.

The wedding ceremony is intended to unite the husband and wife. If you wish to do something "unifying" with the children, it should be done privately. Making the children participate in something like this can be confusing and conflicting for them in regards to their other parent. As @artbyallie says, it also sounds like the potential for a nightmare of coordination.

@artbyallie, I wonder if @blacknwhitediamonds has something like this in mind, which definitely poses multiple potential problems........
http://weddingtraditions.about.com/od/MarriageTraditions/a/Quotes-and-Readings-Love-Lock-Ceremony.htm

justsie · February 2016

This is a little extreme but I work in a psych hospital and I see a lot of kids that come in that have issues with their current parents new partners that ends up causing a lot of depression and anger. I would not wish involvement on a minor in a wedding in which it wasn't their parents getting married, I couldn't imagine how confusing or scary that time could be for some of them and being too scared to speak up or say "no" to their parent. I wouldn't involve minors in the ceremony in that way for that exact reason. The kids didn't choose to get married, the adults did, leave it at that.

blacknwhitediamonds · February 2016

I think you all are being a little dramatic and close minded. Not every wedding is traditional, not every family is traditional. Yes, that is exactly what we have in mind. The kids are very excited. My FI has been a part of my children's lives for many years and for us this is a very exciting event. I very much so doubt that it will damage the psyche of my children.

blacknwhitediamonds · February 2016

@MobKaz I am curious as to what the potential problems are?

justsie · February 2016

blacknwhitediamonds said:

I think you all are being a little dramatic and close minded. Not every wedding is traditional, not every family is traditional. Yes, that is exactly what we have in mind. The kids are very excited. My FI has been a part of my children's lives for many years and for us this is a very exciting event. I very much so doubt that it will damage the psyche of my children.

I didn't say it would damage the psyche of your children, I mentioned that I see a lot of children in which remarriage for them is a difficult time that can often be confusing or scary for them. Minors cannot enter into a legal arrangement, and that is what your wedding is. You can celebrate with your children in a way that doesn't involve including them in your ceremony. You already mentioned that the transition has been a difficult one, don't make it more difficult by adding more things they might not feel comfortable telling you how they really feel about participating in.

Jen4948 · February 2016

blacknwhitediamonds said:

@MobKaz I am curious as to what the potential problems are?

I'm going to reply:

Regardless of how "cute" this seems to you, kids often have feelings of their own about their parents' remarrying - which are not always smiley-faced.

How would you feel if one of your parents was marrying someone you didn't already have a great relationship with and you were forced to participate in a "unity ceremony" at their wedding - especially if you were still very close to your other parent, and/or that other parent had just recently left or passed away?

And what if you were shy and didn't want to participate in any public role at the ceremony, but were being pressured or even forced to?

Kids should only participate in their parents' wedding ceremonies if they want to, are old enough to get up and down the aisle on their own, understand what they're being asked to do, and are sufficiently mature enough to consent. And they should not have speaking roles. They are not getting married.

CMGragain · February 2016

A wedding unites two adult people in marriage.
The event that unites children into your new family is called adoption.

My mother never had a successful marriage. I was usually required to perform, or to be on display, at her weddings. I hated it, even if I was supporting the marriage. Don't do this to your children. They will remember it for the rest of their lives, and maybe not in a good way.

MobKaz · February 2016

blacknwhitediamonds said:

@MobKaz I am curious as to what the potential problems are?

The readings are meant for couples, not families. The verbage is intimate and personal. The symbolism can be misconstrued, misinterpreted, and confusing depending on the age of the children. Even the process of 7 people manipulating seven locks and seven keys seems like a recipe for disaster.

I am also wondering about the other parents involved in the lives of these children. Depending on the situation, I might not want my biological child participating in such a ceremony. I would also expect to be informed of this ahead of time to be able to weigh all considerations, and have a conversation with my child about it.

marsupalami · February 2016

He will be present and involved because he is there. He won't remember beyond pictures.

My my son is 4 going to be 5. He wants to dress up and stand with my fiancé. His choice. I doubt he will stay he will probably want to sit with my mom half way and that's a okay.

artbyallie · February 2016

MobKaz said:

blacknwhitediamonds said:

@MobKaz I am curious as to what the potential problems are?

The readings are meant for couples, not families. The verbage is intimate and personal. The symbolism can be misconstrued, misinterpreted, and confusing depending on the age of the children. Even the process of 7 people manipulating seven locks and seven keys seems like a recipe for disaster.

I am also wondering about the other parents involved in the lives of these children. Depending on the situation, I might not want my biological child participating in such a ceremony. I would also expect to be informed of this ahead of time to be able to weigh all considerations, and have a conversation with my child about it.

I agree. I think this sounds really inappropriate.

ShesSoCold · February 2016

blacknwhitediamonds said:

@MobKaz I am curious as to what the potential problems are?

Other people answered this well, but I'd like to add that your children, while part of your life, are not part of your marriage. Will you divorce your spouse if your child decides s/he doesn't like your husband? Will your child/ren have a say in your financial choices and goals with your husband? Will you discuss the pros and cons of a traditional IRA or roth with the kids? What the kids are comfortable spending on a house?

I get your thought of including the kids, I do. They are a huge part of your life and including them in the ceremony feels like you're acknowledging that and that it's not just the two of you. But the marriage IS just the two of you. It's YOUR partnership. There's a million ways to incorporate your kids into everything else and show people how much they mean to you. Your wedding ceremony is probably the one place where it's inappropriate.

ElleLovesSean · March 2016

I'm a little late to this post, but wanted to add my two cents.

When my best friend got married she and her husband included her son (not her husband's son) in the ceremony through a sand ceremony where he got his own color sand to symbolize his own important role in their union, through family vows that they said to him (basically vowing to be a loving and devoted family and to always be there for him to guide him and encourage him etc. etc.) and through a private family prayer after their vows.

Granted, he was five years old so he could participate more. Her husband is the only father he's ever known so it wasn't confusing or damaging for him, he was very excited for them to get married and for all of them to finally be a family. They even went on a "familymoon" to Disney World after the wedding.

artbyallie · March 2016

@ElleLovesSean family vows are really not appropriate. A wedding is between two consenting adults, and it is not okay to involve an unconsenting child. Plus, how confused/hurt might that child be if things don't work out between the couple?

LondonLisa · March 2016

Honestly, children participating in weddings beyond flower girl or ring bearer just screams "now I have a new happy family! Forget your other parent!" It's sooooo much more for the biological parent getting married than the child and I just find it so desperate. A child gets excited about a dress or a toy, they are not mature enough to make commitments or perform ceremonies.

There is a reason under 18s can't make legal commitments. As CMG said, if you want a ceremony where they make a commitment, it's called adoption.

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