Wedding 911

My Parents Cancelled My Wedding...

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Re: My Parents Cancelled My Wedding...

  • I found some really nice cards on VistaPrint. On one side I have the wording @CMGragain suggested and the other side is blank. The thing is my mother has apparently been telling people that FH & I made the decision to postpone, which has led friends/family to believe that we have separated.

    Is there some sentiment I could put on the card like: "the couple Thanks You for your continued love & support" something to make it clear that we are in fact still together?
    MesmrEwe
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I found some really nice cards on VistaPrint. On one side I have the wording @CMGragain suggested and the other side is blank. The thing is my mother has apparently been telling people that FH & I made the decision to postpone, which has led friends/family to believe that we have separated.

    Is there some sentiment I could put on the card like: "the couple Thanks You for your continued love & support" something to make it clear that we are in fact still together?

    Stuck in box

    Your mom has turned into the worst kind of buttinski.

    I agree with OliveOilsMom that you need to shut her down, but I don't think just telling the biggest mouth in the family the true story and letting them spread the word is the way to go.  I think you need to do the spreading of the word yourself.  Certainly it would help to tell the biggest gossip in the family, but everyone else in the family needs to hear it directly-from you.  Yes, that's a lot of work, and ideally your mom should be the one to do it, but she's totally untrustworthy in this (understatement of the millennium).

    As for your message, even though OliveOilsMom doesn't like that last suggestion, I think it conveys exactly what you're trying to say.  (Spell out the word "and" should you decide to use it though.)
    kimmiinthemittenMesmrEwe
  • Should I write it out as "My name and FH's name are..." Or "The Bride & Groom are..."
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Should I write it out as "My name and FH's name are..." Or "The Bride & Groom are..."

    I would put your full names (first and last) on the beginning wording when announcing your wedding not taking place.  Then for the follow up line, I would put just your first names.
  • I found some really nice cards on VistaPrint. On one side I have the wording @CMGragain suggested and the other side is blank. The thing is my mother has apparently been telling people that FH & I made the decision to postpone, which has led friends/family to believe that we have separated.

    Is there some sentiment I could put on the card like: "the couple Thanks You for your continued love & support" something to make it clear that we are in fact still together?
    A note like "the couple thanks you for your continued love & support during this time" to me sounds like something terrible has happened that you need to be supported through. Your parents going back on their plans SUCKS but you & your relationship are fine. That phrase makes me think of something darker like a death in the family or a near break-up.

    I know a short & simple "the wedding will not take place as planned" leaves a lot to the imagination and would still get people speculating, but the rumour mill will right itself quickly once people see (& word spreads) that you remain together & happy.

    I haaaaate that this whole situation has put you in such an awful position, but I disagree with PPs. Of course you want to tell people the truth about what happened, but IMO the more information you provide will just feed the flames of he-said she-said. My suggestion is to correct people who approach you with false information, but I advise against proactively starting your own gossip chain about your parents betrayal. Try & keep above it and your mother will look like a silly pot-stirrer. If you get involved the two of you will look like you're in an ugly cat-fight.

    lnixon8ThxSugarHeffalumpcowgirl8238
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I found some really nice cards on VistaPrint. On one side I have the wording @CMGragain suggested and the other side is blank. The thing is my mother has apparently been telling people that FH & I made the decision to postpone, which has led friends/family to believe that we have separated.

    Is there some sentiment I could put on the card like: "the couple Thanks You for your continued love & support" something to make it clear that we are in fact still together?
    A note like "the couple thanks you for your continued love & support during this time" to me sounds like something terrible has happened that you need to be supported through. Your parents going back on their plans SUCKS but you & your relationship are fine. That phrase makes me think of something darker like a death in the family or a near break-up.

    I know a short & simple "the wedding will not take place as planned" leaves a lot to the imagination and would still get people speculating, but the rumour mill will right itself quickly once people see (& word spreads) that you remain together & happy.

    I haaaaate that this whole situation has put you in such an awful position, but I disagree with PPs. Of course you want to tell people the truth about what happened, but IMO the more information you provide will just feed the flames of he-said she-said. My suggestion is to correct people who approach you with false information, but I advise against proactively starting your own gossip chain about your parents betrayal. Try & keep above it and your mother will look like a silly pot-stirrer. If you get involved the two of you will look like you're in an ugly cat-fight.
    I have to disagree with this big-time.

    Trying to avoid appearances of "looking like she's in an ugly cat-fight" are not going to work, because her mother's actions already got her into an "ugly cat-fight."  She has nothing whatsoever to gain and possibly a lot to lose by trying to avoid "getting involved" because she already is involved.

    The OP's mother is already stirring the pot, and the OP's doing nothing and "rising above it" is doing nothing whatsoever to set the rumor mill right or making her mother "look like a silly pot-stirrer."  Rather, everyone in the family that her mother is speaking to is coming right back to her on it, and she's the one who's looking bad right now-not her mother.

    The only way to stop that from happening is for her to tell the truth.  


    tigerlily6JediElizabethOliveOilsMomMesmrEwe
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited February 2016
    You are not responsible for what other people will think about your canceling your wedding.  You should not make any explanations.  Leave that to your mother.  Please don't print anything except the basic facts - the wedding will not take place.  I gave you the classic, traditional wording in an earlier post.
    After you are married, you can send out wedding announcement to all your mother's friends who weren't invited to let them know that you are married.  She should have fun explaining THAT!


    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    SP29JediElizabeth
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited February 2016
    CMGragain said:
    You are not responsible for what other people will think about your canceling your wedding.  You should not make any explanations.  Leave that to your mother.  Please don't print anything except the basic facts - the wedding will not take place.  I gave you the classic, traditional wording in an earlier post.
    After you are married, you can send out wedding announcement to all your mother's friends who weren't invited to let them know that you are married.  She should have fun explaining THAT!


    Bullshit.  You really think a mother who took it upon herself to 1) cancel the plans behind the OP's back for an intrusive reason and 2) is going around lying about the nature of her relationship to can be counted on for one single nanosecond to apologize and explain the truth just so the OP doesn't have to???

    OP, the only way to stop the bullshit when the stakes are high is to do the explaining yourself.  That means not trying to stay "aloof" or "uninvolved" or expecting your mother to apologize and make explanations, because it cannot be counted on to happen.  What can be counted on is that your mother either won't do it or will keep on lying at your expense.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited February 2016
    I guess I just don't think the stakes are all that high? It genuinely suuucks having people speculate about what's going on in your private life, but it's not like it's just Mom's word against the OPs and folks will have to dig deep to uncover the truth. Actions will speak louder than words here.

    Mom: Jane and Bob have decided to postpone / reconsider (/ whatever is implying they've separated)
    OP: *continues attending social events & running errands with her FI, invites you to their wedding, sends you a marriage announcement*

    Even if Mom doesn't apologize or backtrack it'll be pretty clear to everyone she was being dramatically misleading if not outright lying. They'll feel silly for believing a falsehood and carry on.


    Mom: Jane and Bob have decided to postpone / reconsider (/ whatever is implying they've separated)
    OP: NOPE Mom & Dad pulled our funding and now we have to cancel everything and replan a smaller wedding or one further away!!

    Seems like airing dirty laundry to me. It'll be pretty clear to everyone that the couple & the parents aren't getting along. They'll be made to feel this uncomfortable tension surrounding the wedding.
    I think that having one's wedding cancelled behind one's back and then having lies spread that it's because "you're no longer together" by the same person do make the (emotional) stakes high, and in the OP's case, silence on her part and "staying above it" are unfortunately giving her mother "permission" to keep sabotaging her.  

    The only way to make it stop is for the OP to speak up and put a stop to it herself - not wait for a Damascene conversion on her mother's part, which amounts to lying down and being a doormat for further egregious behavior on her mother's part at her expense.

    As for "uncomfortable tension" and "airing dirty laundry," the damage had already been done by these (expletive) parents.  It won't be "clear," "silly" or "obvious" to anyone that the mother is being a bitch - it already isn't if people are asking the OP questions.  Nothing the OP does or doesn't do will make that go away. 
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    Jen4948 said:
    I guess I just don't think the stakes are all that high? It genuinely suuucks having people speculate about what's going on in your private life, but it's not like it's just Mom's word against the OPs and folks will have to dig deep to uncover the truth. Actions will speak louder than words here.

    Mom: Jane and Bob have decided to postpone / reconsider (/ whatever is implying they've separated)
    OP: *continues attending social events & running errands with her FI, invites you to their wedding, sends you a marriage announcement*

    Even if Mom doesn't apologize or backtrack it'll be pretty clear to everyone she was being dramatically misleading if not outright lying. They'll feel silly for believing a falsehood and carry on.


    Mom: Jane and Bob have decided to postpone / reconsider (/ whatever is implying they've separated)
    OP: NOPE Mom & Dad pulled our funding and now we have to cancel everything and replan a smaller wedding or one further away!!

    Seems like airing dirty laundry to me. It'll be pretty clear to everyone that the couple & the parents aren't getting along. They'll be made to feel this uncomfortable tension surrounding the wedding.
    I think that having one's wedding cancelled behind one's back and then having lies spread that it's because "you're no longer together" by the same person do make the (emotional) stakes high, and in the OP's case, silence on her part and "staying above it" are unfortunately giving her mother "permission" to keep sabotaging her.  

    The only way to make it stop is for the OP to speak up and put a stop to it herself - not wait for a Damascene conversion on her mother's part, which amounts to lying down and being a doormat for further egregious behavior on her mother's part at her expense.

    As for "uncomfortable tension" and "airing dirty laundry," the damage had already been done by these (expletive) parents.  It won't be "clear," "silly" or "obvious" to anyone that the mother is being a bitch - it already isn't if people are asking the OP questions.  Nothing the OP does or doesn't do will make that go away. 
    I mean, what OP's mom is doing is shitty, and I would definitely be reconsidering any relationship at all with the parents.

    However, what exactly is at stake here other than the relationship with her parents? OP and her FI cannot be forced to break up or not get married - they tried that. If other family members think they're separated, how does that cause any harm to OP? They will get set straight if they receive a new invite or a wedding announcement, or if OP chooses to correct them.

    I definitely think OP can defend herself and state the truth to anyone she wants to, in any way she wants to. She doesn't have to take her mother's shit lying down, or consider her feelings/appearance in any way. Or, she can keep quiet about it and let her mother keep lying to everyone. But since I can't think of a way that either speaking out or keeping quiet will harm her relationship with her FI or with the other (former) invitees, I'm not sure what further "sabotage" is being done.

    Anniversary

    SP29geebee908cowgirl8238
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Jen4948 said:
    I guess I just don't think the stakes are all that high? It genuinely suuucks having people speculate about what's going on in your private life, but it's not like it's just Mom's word against the OPs and folks will have to dig deep to uncover the truth. Actions will speak louder than words here.

    Mom: Jane and Bob have decided to postpone / reconsider (/ whatever is implying they've separated)
    OP: *continues attending social events & running errands with her FI, invites you to their wedding, sends you a marriage announcement*

    Even if Mom doesn't apologize or backtrack it'll be pretty clear to everyone she was being dramatically misleading if not outright lying. They'll feel silly for believing a falsehood and carry on.


    Mom: Jane and Bob have decided to postpone / reconsider (/ whatever is implying they've separated)
    OP: NOPE Mom & Dad pulled our funding and now we have to cancel everything and replan a smaller wedding or one further away!!

    Seems like airing dirty laundry to me. It'll be pretty clear to everyone that the couple & the parents aren't getting along. They'll be made to feel this uncomfortable tension surrounding the wedding.
    I think that having one's wedding cancelled behind one's back and then having lies spread that it's because "you're no longer together" by the same person do make the (emotional) stakes high, and in the OP's case, silence on her part and "staying above it" are unfortunately giving her mother "permission" to keep sabotaging her.  

    The only way to make it stop is for the OP to speak up and put a stop to it herself - not wait for a Damascene conversion on her mother's part, which amounts to lying down and being a doormat for further egregious behavior on her mother's part at her expense.

    As for "uncomfortable tension" and "airing dirty laundry," the damage had already been done by these (expletive) parents.  It won't be "clear," "silly" or "obvious" to anyone that the mother is being a bitch - it already isn't if people are asking the OP questions.  Nothing the OP does or doesn't do will make that go away. 
    I mean, what OP's mom is doing is shitty, and I would definitely be reconsidering any relationship at all with the parents.

    However, what exactly is at stake here other than the relationship with her parents? OP and her FI cannot be forced to break up or not get married - they tried that. If other family members think they're separated, how does that cause any harm to OP? They will get set straight if they receive a new invite or a wedding announcement, or if OP chooses to correct them.

    I definitely think OP can defend herself and state the truth to anyone she wants to, in any way she wants to. She doesn't have to take her mother's shit lying down, or consider her feelings/appearance in any way. Or, she can keep quiet about it and let her mother keep lying to everyone. But since I can't think of a way that either speaking out or keeping quiet will harm her relationship with her FI or with the other (former) invitees, I'm not sure what further "sabotage" is being done.
    I just mean that I wouldn't want the mother to have any further opportunities to do anything else at the OP's expense, whatever that might turn out to be.
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    flantastic said: I mean, what OP's mom is doing is shitty, and I would definitely be reconsidering any relationship at all with the parents.

    However, what exactly is at stake here other than the relationship with her parents? OP and her FI cannot be forced to break up or not get married - they tried that. If other family members think they're separated, how does that cause any harm to OP? They will get set straight if they receive a new invite or a wedding announcement, or if OP chooses to correct them.

    I definitely think OP can defend herself and state the truth to anyone she wants to, in any way she wants to. She doesn't have to take her mother's shit lying down, or consider her feelings/appearance in any way. Or, she can keep quiet about it and let her mother keep lying to everyone. But since I can't think of a way that either speaking out or keeping quiet will harm her relationship with her FI or with the other (former) invitees, I'm not sure what further "sabotage" is being done.


    Cutting back a quote tree.  To the bolded: If this were me, I wouldn't want people thinking my FI & I were having a relationship problem and were then suddenly getting married.  They may think bad things about our intentions to marry.  Like it would somehow "fix" everything, when there was nothing that needed "fixing" other than OP's parents backwards thinking.  It might make people believe that we aren't serious in our intentions and for that, they could skip the wedding. 

    As far as further "sabotage", I can see how things have happened in my own extended family.  Where one person's bad mouthing affected the relationship between other family members.  It is very possible that with OP's mom's bad mouthing, she could be ruining the potential relationship between OP's FI and the rest of her family. 

    I am very much a proponent of keeping silent is usually the winning way, but in this instance, I'm not seeing a benefit for it.

    Jen4948
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    SP29 said:
    I also think OP doesn't need to explain herself. Let mom talk trash, you keep living your life OP.

    I think giving a "rebuttal" has the potential to stir the pot more. Sure, if you're talking to someone and they directly ask, you can let them know what's going on as simply as possible. But I think even telling the truth to a family member can turn things into he-said-she-said and OP's mom claiming she's lying. 

    I think being direct works very well when the two (or more) people involved in the conflict discuss matters directly (how it should happen). But when you have the involved parties separately telling "their" side, even if the truth is in there, it gets muddled up along the way. 
    Sorry, but I disagree.  Yes, there are two versions of the story here, but when only one is true and the other follows truly egregious behavior, it's too late to worry about "he said she said."

    If people even have to ask her about what her mother is saying after such horrendous behavior on her mother's part, then "let mom talk trash, you keep living your life" ain't going to work.  It's basically lying down on the ground so her mother can wipe her muddy feet on her.  And it won't stop unless the OP speaks up.


  • spockforprezspockforprez Virginia member
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    Can an you say something like "Due to unforeseen circumstances the wedding of x and y will not take place as planned.  We remain committed to our relationship and appreciate your understanding and support."  

    I liked Kim's wording the best. Gets the point across without too many details so as not to air the dirty laundry. 
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    kimmiinthemittensparklepants41CharmedPam
  • FI and I are looking at a venue that we loved from the beginning...it has a max a capacity of 120 (which doesn't mean we would have to fill that but we certainly can't overfill). The new venue would be in a different state and the wedding would most likely be months after the original date. 

    We are both much closer to a lot of our friends who are on the list than we are to family members but I think cutting family members could lead to some big hurt feelings so I'm not really sure what we'll do in the end. If we cut down the list I think we would make really drastic cuts (chop it down to 50-75). I don't want to just un-invite my parent's friends. That feels spiteful to me.

    In no way is it being spiteful, at all.  You and FI are now the hosts of the wedding, you should invite YOUR nearest and dearest. 

    Darlin, I have been reading your posts and I just feel awful about the guilt you feel over this, when you shouldn't. Let me take a wild guess here, your parents are big on guilt trips?  You've spent your entire life apologizing and constantly trying to make things up to them and it's never good enough? Please stop letting them control your emotions, you've done nothing wrong, THEY DID, do not let them make you feel guilty for THEIR actions.


    I agree.  My parents are (very generously) paying for my wedding, so I was completely supportive of them inviting their friends-- even ones I barely know or haven't seen since I was a child.  However, if I were footing the bill and budget was an issue, you better believe the guest list would include only those nearest and dearest to my fiancé and I-- family and OUR friends!  I think it's only spiteful to not include your parents' friends in your new, pared down list if it's being done to send a message to your parents.  I cannot possibly imagine what you're going through right now and can't say how I would react if I were in your shoes...but I feel like you have an opportunity here to take the high road and show your parents that you're an adult, you and FI can take care of yourselves (as you have been), and are capable of doing this on your own.  Good luck to you! 
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