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Guest list troubles...

[Deleted User][Deleted User] member
5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Hi everyone,

I'm just looking to see if anyone is in my boat or has any advice...
I do not want to invite my sisters partner to my wedding. 
They have been "together" on-and-off for 6-7 years now. He has broken her heart badly multiple times but now is back in the picture once again. 
I don't like a single thing about him, he and I are not compatible personalities and I hate that he's hurt my sister as much as he has. I don't think he's a good person. Last time I heard his voice, without even seeing him, I had a panic attack.
He gives me massive anxiety, and for that reason I want to keep him off the guest list. 

My mum keeps trying to persuade me otherwise because my sister will be upset at me not including him. However my sister knows how I feel about him, so I don't know why I would suddenly change my mind for the biggest day of my life. 

I'm already very tired of having this debate, can anyone offer advice? 
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Re: Guest list troubles...

  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Invite him. 
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  • glasgowtolondonglasgowtolondon member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Your sister has chosen to have this person as her SO, you don't have to like it but you don't get to decide that she has to come alone. It's a little bit cruel to expect someone to celebrate your relationship whilst you undermine theirs. You don't need to have anything to do with him on your wedding day, you'll have so much else to focus on. 

    You are building this up in your head - will your wedding be one of the most important days in your life? Possibly. The biggest day ever? I hope not. It's not all downhill from saying 'I do'.
                 
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  • artbyallieartbyallie mod
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Here's the thing: Unless he has actually abused/threatened you or your sister, he's a package deal with her. If you don't want him, you can't invite her. And not inviting your own sister to your wedding will cause family drama for the rest of your lives.
    image
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  • APDSS22APDSS22 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    As they are a social unit, you have to invite them both if you want to invite her (which not inviting her would probably cause even more drama as this is your sister whom you seem to be close to in your OP).  Since they are on again, off again, this may not even be an issue at the time your invites go out, 6-8 weeks ahead of the wedding.  If they are still together, thank them both graciously for coming to see your wedding and tell them you hope they enjoy the reception if they choose to attend. 

    You may want to look into speaking to someone about having panic attacks over just hearing someone's voice.  Though choosing to do so or not would be a personal choice only you can make. 
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  • VicTim328VicTim328 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    How soon is your wedding? Maybe they will be off by then....
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  • SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Invite.

    As PPs said, you don't get to choose who your sister is in a relationship. The only time you will need to engage with him is to say, "Thank you for coming". If he should cause a problem (if that's what you are expecting), you have him escorted out by security or the police. No further interaction required.

    Not inviting your sister's SO is a slap in the face to her. Sure, she may not be making a great choice right now, but that is not your burden to take on or your responsibility to fix.

    Similarly, if you don't invite him, it may alienate your sister from the family. She may withdraw from the family and more toward him, making it harder for her to break up with him for good, if that's what she would want to do. Keep your sister close and be there for her when she needs you to- but this is relationship is not your responsibility.
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its

    Ditto Scribe.  You need to speak to a doctor or therapist about someone's voice sending you into a panic attack.  That is not normal. 

    Your sister has chosen this person.  You don't like him most likely because your sister has bad mouthed him to you during their break up periods and based upon the one sided stories you heard from your sister.  All that has done is tarnished your thoughts against her bf.  Why would you like someone when all you hear are negative things about them from the one person who supposedly loves them?  That was not fair to you or your sister's bf.  But what's done is done.  Now you need to figure out how to at least be in the same room as him.  You don't have to be friends with him, just cordial hello and good byes.  Until your sister breaks up with him for good, he will be in your life as long as you want your sister in yours.  Think of them always as a packaged deal. 

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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    You have to invite him.

    You don't have to like him, but you don't get to decide who your sister is with. Excluding him will likely result in your sister not attending, and may permanently effect your relationship with her. 
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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper

    Hard as it is, yes, they are a social unit.  Unless this jackwagon has done something physically/emotionally threatening towards you, yes, your sister gets an "and guest" (if they're an on again off again with the weather, I'd phrase it and guest, otherwise, if it's marriage track, it's her SO's name). 

    As for the anxiety attack in their presence, what happens when she decides to (crash and burn) marry this person and have them as an IL?  Working with a therapist of some sort (I'm not a fan of most psychs, but there are MANY options out there for counseling), is going to serve you well in the long-term because this will happen with other people you encounter from time to time and the question is how you deal with it, learning some strategies to better get you through is a good idea..

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  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    SP29 said:
    Invite.



    Not inviting your sister's SO is a slap in the face to her. Sure, she may not be making a great choice right now, but that is not your burden to take on or your responsibility to fix.

    Similarly, if you don't invite him, it may alienate your sister from the family. She may withdraw from the family and more toward him, making it harder for her to break up with him for good, if that's what she would want to do. Keep your sister close and be there for her when she needs you to- but this is relationship is not your responsibility.
    Definitely agree with the last paragraph. My SIL has made it clear to me on numerous occasions that she tolerates me and actively dislikes my FI. She's also verbally abusive to my nephew and niece and selective about the members of the family that she'll be kind to at any given time. But if I'm rude right back to her, my brother distances himself from me, and I get backlash from my parents. I can't change her behavior; I can only change mine. She and my brother are staying married (very Catholic family), so I have to be at least civil to her. 

    I can sympathize with how your sister's SO's treatment of her affects you. You sound like a very empathic person (as am I), and it's not easy to turn that off. Please do get whatever help you need.
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Knottie1455565388 said:
    Thank you all for your advice. 

    Firstly, I am already seeking pro help for some other things, I am currently unable to include the addition of my sister's relationship into that at the moment. They aren't a part of my life, outside of this planning, and this is just because of my mother. The panic attacks come from knowing he's around, which in the past has meant my family will be hurt soon enough, as of course the family is involved in a relationship that started as teenagers. He has been abusive to my sister emotionally and financially. I think that's not entirely insane.  

    However, secondly, I suppose I will have to bite the bullet and invite him. I never have wanted to influence her choices and if she's happy, then that's her prerogative. I just do not like who he is as a person and I don't like how manipulative he is. But as mentioned, a cordial "hello" is all that is needed. 

    Thank you again. 


    Knottie#s, I'm glad that you took our advice in a good way.  Not all posters on here do.  So change your name and stick around!

    Secondly, while you may not be able to currently address your sister's bf and your issues with him.  Please make sure your professional at least knows that you have been prone to panic attacks just by hearing someone's voice.  That is some very important information that your doctor or therapist should know.  I wish you luck in addressing your issues and commend you for taking steps to address them.

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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    Invite him and then do what I plan on doing with someone I don't care to see at my wedding:  I'm having my MOH/BFF keep them away from me if she sees that person speaking to me.  She'll just casually grab me and tell me, "XYZ needs my attention and it's urgent." lol
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    OliveOilsMom said:
    Knottie1455565388 said:
    Thank you all for your advice. 

    Firstly, I am already seeking pro help for some other things, I am currently unable to include the addition of my sister's relationship into that at the moment. They aren't a part of my life, outside of this planning, and this is just because of my mother. The panic attacks come from knowing he's around, which in the past has meant my family will be hurt soon enough, as of course the family is involved in a relationship that started as teenagers. He has been abusive to my sister emotionally and financially. I think that's not entirely insane.  

    However, secondly, I suppose I will have to bite the bullet and invite him. I never have wanted to influence her choices and if she's happy, then that's her prerogative. I just do not like who he is as a person and I don't like how manipulative he is. But as mentioned, a cordial "hello" is all that is needed. 

    Thank you again. 


    Knottie#s, I'm glad that you took our advice in a good way.  Not all posters on here do.  So change your name and stick around!

    Secondly, while you may not be able to currently address your sister's bf and your issues with him.  Please make sure your professional at least knows that you have been prone to panic attacks just by hearing someone's voice.  That is some very important information that your doctor or therapist should know.  I wish you luck in addressing your issues and commend you for taking steps to address them.

    Thank you, I think I will. It helps having second, third and tenth opinions!

    And thank you for your concern too, I'll make sure to bring it up. :smile: 
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