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Cousin invited herself. Welp.

danindidanindi member
10 Comments First Anniversary 5 Love Its
edited February 2016 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Yeaaaah sooo... 

My fiancé and I are having a very small wedding. We locked down our tight budget and stuck to it-- and we're getting married in Brooklyn so believe you me, that was no easy feat.

Our venue is a restaurant with an event space and a physical limitation of 48 people. While we were shopping around a year ago my mom and I talked to a few family members to gauge their interest/ability in coming up to NYC. My family's pretty small and I'm not particularly close to any cousins-- there's a big age gap (9 and 10 years) between me and my second cousins on my mom's side so we never like, 'grew up together'. All in all, my mom and her first cousin were the only family members invited. My second cousins, sisters with families, both said they wouldn't be able to travel. 

So, anyway, we set about our guest list, which is already being held in limbo by whether or not my fiancé's brother will RSVP and bring his family of 6. We're teetering right there at 45 guests, or 39. I have people in the wings I WANT to invite but am waiting to see if the brother will come (RSVPs are due mid-March). A couple of weeks ago, my cousin (let's call her 'Annie') started asserting to her mother that she wanted to come to NYC "during the wedding". Then she said she wanted to go TO the wedding. Her mom, who is traveling with my mom and a family friend, reminded her she said originally she could not come, that the wedding was small, etc etc. Annie acknowledged all this but then just questioned why she couldn't come anyway?

Her mom and my mom talked this over at length before telling me, presenting me with the only narrative I really have-- Annie is sick of her lame-o husband and wants a weekend away. I was pretty turned off by this but thought I'd look and see if someone declined, and maybe I could fit her in. 

A few weeks went by and I didn't hear anything else so I assumed it had been dropped, but lo and behold, she called her mom up to tell her she'd bought her ticket to NYC. 

Here's a key point, that you may have picked up on here is.... Annie has not spoken to me once about this. I've seen her twice since 2002. She, by the way, got married in between then and now, and she didn't invite me to her wedding. We're just not close. That she has conducted all of this with her mother as a proxy-- and her mother is upset with her for this, at least-- is what pisses me off. She's 46 years old for crying out loud! This is not how an adult behaves! My mom, in informing me, basically begged me to just go with it, because her cousin is really the only family she has. The fiancé also took the position of just accepting it. I don't feel like having a tantrum over it, and without even having the woman's contact info I can't quite confront her. But I am not thrilled at the prospect of having to grin and bear it the day of, either. Did anyone else have an uninvited guest show up and have some diplomatic coping methods? 
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Re: Cousin invited herself. Welp.

  • flantasticflantastic member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited February 2016
    danindi said:
    Yeaaaah sooo... 

    My fiancé and I are having a very small wedding. We locked down our tight budget and stuck to it-- and we're getting married in Brooklyn so believe you me, that was no easy feat.

    Our venue is a restaurant with an event space and a physical limitation of 48 people. While we were shopping around a year ago my mom and I talked to a few family members to gauge their interest/ability in coming up to NYC. My family's pretty small and I'm not particularly close to any cousins-- there's a big age gap (9 and 10 years) between me and my second cousins on my mom's side so we never like, 'grew up together'. All in all, my mom and her first cousin were the only family members invited. My second cousins, sisters with families, both said they wouldn't be able to travel. 

    So, anyway, we set about our guest list, which is already being held in limbo by whether or not my fiancé's brother will RSVP and bring his family of 5. We're teetering right there at 45 guests, or 39. I have people in the wings I WANT to invite but am waiting to see if the brother will come (RSVPs are due mid-March). A couple of weeks ago, my cousin (let's call her 'Annie') started asserting to her mother that she wanted to come to NYC "during the wedding". Then she said she wanted to go TO the wedding. Her mom, who is traveling with my mom and a family friend, reminded her she said originally she could not come, that the wedding was small, etc etc. Annie acknowledged all this but then just questioned why she couldn't come anyway?

    Her mom and my mom talked this over at length before telling me, presenting me with the only narrative I really have-- Annie is sick of her lame-o husband and wants a weekend away. I was pretty turned off by this but thought I'd look and see if someone declined, and maybe I could fit her in. 

    A few weeks went by and I didn't hear anything else so I assumed it had been dropped, but lo and behold, she called her mom up to tell her she'd bought her ticket to NYC. 

    Here's a key point, that you may have picked up on here is.... Annie has not spoken to me once about this. I've seen her twice since 2002. She, by the way, got married in between then and now, and she didn't invite me to her wedding. We're just not close. That she has conducted all of this with her mother as a proxy-- and her mother is upset with her for this, at least-- is what pisses me off. She's 46 years old for crying out loud! This is not how an adult behaves! My mom, in informing me, basically begged me to just go with it, because her cousin is really the only family she has. The fiancé also took the position of just accepting it. I don't feel like having a tantrum over it, and without even having the woman's contact info I can't quite confront her. But I am not thrilled at the prospect of having to grin and bear it the day of, either. Did anyone else have an uninvited guest show up and have some diplomatic coping methods? 
    The bolded - You should not have anyone "in the wings" to invite after a decline. That tells the original guest that they are replaceable and it tells the later guest that they were only good enough to fill someone else's spot. People (except this cousin, ish) are not generally dying to attend your wedding, and understand budget/space limitations. In that case, they would rather not be invited at all than invited as a second tier.

    Annie may come to NYC and spend it wherever there's not a private event. You have no obligation to invite her just because she booked a trip out there.

    If she does show up, you can have the restaurant staff escort her out. Or you can accommodate her if there's space. Either is fine, unless you do end up extending her an invitation in advance.

    ETA - the second bolded: Did you actually send her a save the date or invite? In that case, you need to accommodate her. She's allowed to change her mind, especially if RSVPs are not yet due.
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  • danindidanindi member
    10 Comments First Anniversary 5 Love Its
    edited February 2016
    Oh lord-- let me explain the "B List". When we were looking at venues, we had a guest list. My fiancé was adamant that his brother would not come. I feel like we went in circles over and over for a month on that-- me saying "but we're inviting him" "No, he won't come" "are you sure?" "Yes". So we left him off the list. We put down a deposit on the small venue. Only then did my fiancé say: "Well we HAVE to invite my brother." 

    I think flames might've shot out of my ears-- not because "oh noes I have to invite these people" but "oh noes we don't have room to just ADD them". Suddenly the list shifted in the way I described; we had 46 guests locked down to invite but then 6 people had to make way for family. Which is fine? I guess? It kind of sucks to think that the guy might not even RSVP and probably won't come. Does that make more sense? There's no real "B List" and it's been a thorn in my side for months and has bummed me out enough before the cousin nonsense happened. 

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  • danindidanindi member
    10 Comments First Anniversary 5 Love Its
    flantastic said:
    ETA - the second bolded: Did you actually send her a save the date or invite? In that case, you need to accommodate her. She's allowed to change her mind, especially if RSVPs are not yet due.
    Absolutely not. I sent neither. 
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  • flantasticflantastic member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    danindi said:
    Oh lord-- let me explain the "B List". When we were looking at venues, we had a guest list. My fiancé was adamant that his brother would not come. I feel like we went in circles over and over for a month on that-- me saying "but we're inviting him" "No, he won't come" "are you sure?" "Yes". So we left him off the list. We put down a deposit on the small venue. Only then did my fiancé say: "Well we HAVE to invite my brother." 

    I think flames might've shot out of my ears-- not because "oh noes I have to invite these people" but "oh noes we don't have room to just ADD them". Suddenly the list shifted in the way I described; we had 46 guests locked down to invite but then 6 people had to make way for family. Which is fine? I guess? It kind of sucks to think that the guy might not even RSVP and probably won't come. Does that make more sense? There's no real "B List" and it's been a thorn in my side for months and has bummed me out enough before the cousin nonsense happened. 

    It does make sense, as long as you're not actually planning to invite these people if the brother's family doesn't come. I definitely understand being bummed that you had to cut 6 people you would have like to have, and that you don't want to be backed into inviting someone you don't care about when you can't invite those you do.

    Good news is, you don't have to invite her. Stand your ground.
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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    danindi said:
    Oh lord-- let me explain the "B List". When we were looking at venues, we had a guest list. My fiancé was adamant that his brother would not come. I feel like we went in circles over and over for a month on that-- me saying "but we're inviting him" "No, he won't come" "are you sure?" "Yes". So we left him off the list. We put down a deposit on the small venue. Only then did my fiancé say: "Well we HAVE to invite my brother." 

    I think flames might've shot out of my ears-- not because "oh noes I have to invite these people" but "oh noes we don't have room to just ADD them". Suddenly the list shifted in the way I described; we had 46 guests locked down to invite but then 6 people had to make way for family. Which is fine? I guess? It kind of sucks to think that the guy might not even RSVP and probably won't come. Does that make more sense? There's no real "B List" and it's been a thorn in my side for months and has bummed me out enough before the cousin nonsense happened. 

    I still don't understand this  ...
    " I have people in the wings I WANT to invite but am waiting to see if the brother will come (RSVPs are due mid-March). "

    You say you have them in the wings ... not had them.  If the brother RSVPs no, what are you going to do? 



    Here's where I wonder if wires got crossed ... in your OP, you said,  "    While we were shopping around a year ago my mom and I talked to a few family members to gauge their interest/ability in coming up to NYC. .. My second cousins, sisters with families, both said they wouldn't be able to travel."

    So it sounds like you and/or your mom put out feelers.   Did anyone ask Annie or Annie's mom if she planned on traveling?  If so, that could've (reasonably) been interpreted as though you had plans to invite her.   

    Regardless, you need to stop communicating about this 2nd or 3rd hand.   If your mom brings it up, tell her to direct Annie to you.  Talk to her and let her know they're was a misunderstanding and that you cannot accommodate her. 

    If she shows up, have someone at the venue let her know that you are at capacity. 




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  • danindidanindi member
    10 Comments First Anniversary 5 Love Its
    edited February 2016
    holyguacamole79 said:
    I still don't understand this  ...
    " I have people in the wings I WANT to invite but am waiting to see if the brother will come (RSVPs are due mid-March). "

    You say you have them in the wings ... not had them.  If the brother RSVPs no, what are you going to do? 



    Here's where I wonder if wires got crossed ... in your OP, you said,  "While we were shopping around a year ago my mom and I talked to a few family members to gauge their interest/ability in coming up to NYC. .. My second cousins, sisters with families, both said they wouldn't be able to travel."

    So it sounds like you and/or your mom put out feelers.   Did anyone ask Annie or Annie's mom if she planned on traveling?  If so, that could've (reasonably) been interpreted as though you had plans to invite her.   

    Regardless, you need to stop communicating about this 2nd or 3rd hand.   If your mom brings it up, tell her to direct Annie to you.  Talk to her and let her know they're was a misunderstanding and that you cannot accommodate her. 

    If she shows up, have someone at the venue let her know that you are at capacity. 
    My mom put out feelers a year ago during a visit to see them. Only feelers, and people said no, so we moved ahead with finding a venue, solidifying the guest list, Save the Dates, and finally invitations. Annie's mom was the only other family member invited which they were always aware of, and fine with. Annie's mom is exceedingly blunt, and I guess when Annie started talking about coming to NYC (the original reason was she wanted go to a Broadway show) her mom said "But you were not invited." Annie under no circumstances has ever thought she was invited. On the contrary, when it was re-emphasized to her that she was not invited, she answered that she did know this. 

    I told my mother that I wanted Annie's phone number-- I have no contact information for her-- and she, because she is prone to hysterics and apparently views this as the precipice of destruction of what little family she has left, would not give it to me. There's no logic here, and I definitely am NOT into playing telephone. My mom just wants to pay for Annie's plate and have that be the end of the story. 

    Annie is also crashing the 3 bedroom Airbnb that my mom, her mom, and a friend are staying in. She actually is expecting it to just ~be okay~ that she stays with them. I think she literally will be sleeping on the floor. I guess they're making her pay up, but I am still pretty floored by the sheer... er... cajones involved in her decision. 

    Okay, so... because I can't figure out how to break quotes up, I'm going back to the top about the "waiting in the wings". All I meant by that was that I honestly had thought that the brother would RSVP no already (we sent him a Save the Date in September) and I could have invited the friends we wanted present. None of those people are aware of this. No one already invited is aware of this. I don't know if that's what people think is going on? I feel like a 'no' from the brother would be pretty definitive; they're a family of 6 looking at airfare from California to NYC and accommodations. The cost seems prohibitive as it is so I don't imagine they'd say 'no' then change minds on a whim. But stranger things have obviously happened.
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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    danindi said:
    holyguacamole79 said:
    I still don't understand this  ...
    " I have people in the wings I WANT to invite but am waiting to see if the brother will come (RSVPs are due mid-March). "

    You say you have them in the wings ... not had them.  If the brother RSVPs no, what are you going to do? 



    Here's where I wonder if wires got crossed ... in your OP, you said,  "While we were shopping around a year ago my mom and I talked to a few family members to gauge their interest/ability in coming up to NYC. .. My second cousins, sisters with families, both said they wouldn't be able to travel."

    So it sounds like you and/or your mom put out feelers.   Did anyone ask Annie or Annie's mom if she planned on traveling?  If so, that could've (reasonably) been interpreted as though you had plans to invite her.   

    Regardless, you need to stop communicating about this 2nd or 3rd hand.   If your mom brings it up, tell her to direct Annie to you.  Talk to her and let her know they're was a misunderstanding and that you cannot accommodate her. 

    If she shows up, have someone at the venue let her know that you are at capacity. 
    My mom put out feelers a year ago during a visit to see them. Only feelers, and people said no, so we moved ahead with finding a venue, solidifying the guest list, Save the Dates, and finally invitations. Annie's mom was the only other family member invited which they were always aware of, and fine with. Annie's mom is exceedingly blunt, and I guess when Annie started talking about coming to NYC (the original reason was she wanted go to a Broadway show) her mom said "But you were not invited." Annie under no circumstances has ever thought she was invited. On the contrary, when it was re-emphasized to her that she was not invited, she answered that she did know this. 

    I told my mother that I wanted Annie's phone number-- I have no contact information for her-- and she, because she is prone to hysterics and apparently views this as the precipice of destruction of what little family she has left, would not give it to me. There's no logic here, and I definitely am NOT into playing telephone. My mom just wants to pay for Annie's plate and have that be the end of the story. 

    Annie is also crashing the 3 bedroom Airbnb that my mom, her mom, and a friend are staying in. She actually is expecting it to just ~be okay~ that she stays with them. I think she literally will be sleeping on the floor. I guess they're making her pay up, but I am still pretty floored by the sheer... er... cajones involved in her decision. 

    Okay, so... because I can't figure out how to break quotes up, I'm going back to the top about the "waiting in the wings". All I meant by that was that I honestly had thought that the brother would RSVP no already (we sent him a Save the Date in September) and I could have invited the friends we wanted present. None of those people are aware of this. No one already invited is aware of this. I don't know if that's what people think is going on? I feel like a 'no' from the brother would be pretty definitive; they're a family of 6 looking at airfare from California to NYC and accommodations. The cost seems prohibitive as it is so I don't imagine they'd say 'no' then change minds on a whim. But stranger things have obviously happened.
    This sounds more like an issue with your mom than Annie. Tell your mom that the guest list is set and is not up for debate. 

    The whole Airbnb thing is irrelevant, IMO.

    I'm confused about your brother.   Have you sent invites to him?  (Not just save the date).




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  • danindidanindi member
    10 Comments First Anniversary 5 Love Its
    edited February 2016
    It may be irrelevant, but we all need to vent. 

    I agree that there's a big issue with my mom, but the fact remains that this woman has bought a ticket and is going to be staying with invited guests to the wedding, and is expecting to go to the wedding. I hate conflict and the wedding stuff has stressed me out so much already over the last few months I think I am just going to let it happen. But what I had posted the situation for was to ask for any advice on just how to cope with it. Since my dad died a year ago my mom has become exceedingly needy and she seems to think this has the potential to ruin family relationships, etc etc. Though I don't think I care about my relationship with Annie after this point. 

    We sent Save the Dates and invites to the fiancé's brother. He never responded to the former, and looks doubtful that he'll respond to the latter. I don't know him very well at all-- I've met him and his wife twice-- but it sounds like this is their M.O? That I'm not trying to solve here; I'd just been trying to illustrate how few people are actually invited in the first place and how it's in limbo/not in a position for someone else to invite themselves.
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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    danindi said:
    It may be irrelevant, but we all need to vent. 

    I agree that there's a big issue with my mom, but the fact remains that this woman has bought a ticket and is going to be staying with invited guests to the wedding, and is expecting to go to the wedding. I hate conflict and the wedding stuff has stressed me out so much already over the last few months I think I am just going to let it happen. But what I had posted the situation for was to ask for any advice on just how to cope with it. 

    You said in your prior post that Annie knew that she was not invited.  This story seems to be changing. 

    We sent Save the Dates and invites to the fiancé's brother. He never responded to the former, and looks doubtful that he'll respond to the latter. I don't know him very well at all-- I've met him and his wife twice-- but it sounds like this is their M.O? 

    Save the Dates do not warrant a response.   Do not assume he is not coming until he RSVPS no to your formal invitation. 




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  • emmy72emmy72 member
    Third Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    As other posters here have iterated, you do not need to invite an estranged and rude cousin simply because she bought a ticket to NYC already. Nor do you need to invite her because it makes one of your parents feel better.

    IMO, all of this aside, you should do whatever is going to make YOU feel more relaxed on YOUR wedding day. For me, that means NOT allowing rude, immature and/or distant cousins who get pushy and invite themselves. It would just bug me knowing they were there and I let it happen AND PAID FOR THEIR FOOD AND DRINKS.

    Here's how I see it: if you throw in the proverbial towel and just let Annie come, you're going to be upset. I would stand firm and tell your mother to give it a rest; you've made your decision, meals have been arranged, venue has been booked, end of story.
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  • flantasticflantastic member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'm not sure you get how invitations (verbal and paper), save the dates, and RSVPs work. All your posting is very confusing about who is invited (with an actual invitation and instructions for RSVP) and I bet Annie was confused by being asked about her availability, although apparently someone has now told her she's definitely not invited? Your FI's brother may well be confused also.

    If you sent Save the Dates in September, no one needed to respond to that. That's not what they're for.

    If you put out feelers about people's availability for your wedding, that's a verbal invite and they shouldn't have been cut from the list.

    Did you send out actual invitations after the STDs, with an RSVP card or at least a listed email to which invitees should respond by X date?

    And regardless of whether you've told people they might be B-listed after the brother says no, people can usually figure it out if they're sent a really early RSVP date or a really late invite. They're not idiots, and if they know anyone at all from the A-list (who had the earlier invite and RSVP date) they will know for sure.
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  • danindidanindi member
    10 Comments First Anniversary 5 Love Its
    I didn't say I expected a response to a Save the Date. I just said he didn't respond. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

    The story is not changing: feelers were put out a year ago, and then when Annie and her sister said they couldn't come, they were told that they wouldn't be invited, and they knew this then. 

    The woman, after saying she wouldn't come, was not sent a Save the Date, and was not sent an invite. She decided a few weeks ago she wanted to come anyway, bought a ticket, and told her mother that was her "RSVP". That's basically it. 
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  • danindidanindi member
    10 Comments First Anniversary 5 Love Its
    photokitty said:
    I can't get over the fact that you are clearly upset that the brother and his family might be able to come. You should be thrilled that your FBIL and his family are considering flying across the county to be there, not pissed bc you could have invited 6 friends. You seriously wanted to not send them an invite???

    You should have budgeted correctly and adjust your attitude about your FI's family.

    The Annie situation, based on my above assessment, I'm inclined to believe your first statement - "Her mom, who is traveling with my mom and a family friend, reminded her she said originally she could not come..."

    That to me says you asked Annie if she would come and it's as good as a verbal invite. If you ask people - would you fly to NYC for my wedding next winter? - that's good as an invite and they need to be sent an actual one. It's rude to shop availability and interest, but not send an invite, unless your plans change drastically.
    I'm more flummoxed that my fiancé for months resisted my questions about "are you sure you don't want to invite your brother", saying that he wouldn't come "anyway", or countering that they don't talk, BUT after we were committed to the tiny space suddenly we DID need to invite them: that's an awful miscommunication/timing issue. I kinda pulled out of him that he didn't want to invite them (they aren't on great terms) but changed his mind. I just don't think he realized how it could screw up the guest list. If the family comes, it's totally fine, I'm happy, and maybe as a result he'll be closer with my fiancé afterward, it's just the not knowing. 

    I don't know... an earlier poster did touch on the second-and-third-hand information so maybe that's just the root cause. I can only trust what my mom told me, and what I've heard from Annie's mom. I wasn't there when the conversations happened, only heard how it was reported. The whole thing is sort of crappy. 
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  • danindidanindi member
    10 Comments First Anniversary 5 Love Its
    Cool, I'm terrible. I get it. 
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  • photokittyphotokitty mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    You don't ask people if they can come and not send them an invite. It is rude. We tell people all the time, even if they say they can't come when you send the STD, you still need to send an invite.

    What you did was pre-emptive B listing. If FBIL declines and you invite your unknowing friends - that is B listing.

    Both are rude. You are grasping at straws and changing your story in hopes of getting favorable responses.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    danindi said:
    Cool, I'm terrible. I get it. 
    Playing the martyr card doesn't go over too well here .




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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    danindi said:
    photokitty said:
    I can't get over the fact that you are clearly upset that the brother and his family might be able to come. You should be thrilled that your FBIL and his family are considering flying across the county to be there, not pissed bc you could have invited 6 friends. You seriously wanted to not send them an invite???

    You should have budgeted correctly and adjust your attitude about your FI's family.

    The Annie situation, based on my above assessment, I'm inclined to believe your first statement - "Her mom, who is traveling with my mom and a family friend, reminded her she said originally she could not come..."

    That to me says you asked Annie if she would come and it's as good as a verbal invite. If you ask people - would you fly to NYC for my wedding next winter? - that's good as an invite and they need to be sent an actual one. It's rude to shop availability and interest, but not send an invite, unless your plans change drastically.
    I'm more flummoxed that my fiancé for months resisted my questions about "are you sure you don't want to invite your brother", saying that he wouldn't come "anyway", or countering that they don't talk, BUT after we were committed to the tiny space suddenly we DID need to invite them: that's an awful miscommunication/timing issue. I kinda pulled out of him that he didn't want to invite them (they aren't on great terms) but changed his mind. I just don't think he realized how it could screw up the guest list. If the family comes, it's totally fine, I'm happy, and maybe as a result he'll be closer with my fiancé afterward, it's just the not knowing. 

    I don't know... an earlier poster did touch on the second-and-third-hand information so maybe that's just the root cause. I can only trust what my mom told me, and what I've heard from Annie's mom. I wasn't there when the conversations happened, only heard how it was reported. The whole thing is sort of crappy. 
    Jic




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  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    @danindi - what are the chances Annie is on facebook?  You could contact her that way.  While I don't think putting out feelers is a good idea, it is clear she knew she wasn't going to be invited, was cool with that, and is now putting a kink in things.  Is there another family member who can give you her number?
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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    emmy7272 said:
    As other posters here have iterated, you do not need to invite an estranged and rude cousin simply because she bought a ticket to NYC already. Nor do you need to invite her because it makes one of your parents feel better.

    IMO, all of this aside, you should do whatever is going to make YOU feel more relaxed on YOUR wedding day. For me, that means NOT allowing rude, immature and/or distant cousins who get pushy and invite themselves. It would just bug me knowing they were there and I let it happen AND PAID FOR THEIR FOOD AND DRINKS.

    Here's how I see it: if you throw in the proverbial towel and just let Annie come, you're going to be upset. I would stand firm and tell your mother to give it a rest; you've made your decision, meals have been arranged, venue has been booked, end of story.
    Hi,  welcome to TK boards. 

    The minute you invite family & friends to celebrate with you, it ceases to be YOUR day.   




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  • madamerwinmadamerwin member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    adk19 said:

    This is a fiance problem, not a guest list problem.  And who picks a venue that can only hold the exact number of invitees?  This leaves you zero wiggle room, as you're now discovering.  If I have 48 people on my guest list, I want a venue that can hold at least 100.  I don't want to be squished in there with people, I want to make sure my count wasn't off and I remembered to count me, the groom, the photographer, and the bartender.  I want to be able to invite a new friend I make between booking the venue and sending out invitations.  I want my friends to be able to bring their babies should the babysitter fall through (because humans of all ages count in the Fire Capacity.)

    I think you should find a way to tell Annie that she's not coming to your wedding, but I think you went about it badly earlier by 'feeling people out' and whatever else you did to gauge interest in your wedding.
    Side question, OP: Is the 48 person venue limit due to the fire code, or is that the number of guests the venue has stated you can have? If it's the former, as @adk19 pointed out, that number includes any vendors (photographer/videographer/cake person/whatever), servers, bartenders, etc. and not just you, your FI, and your guests. If the fire code states that the venue can hold 48 people, and you invited 46 people, you will already be over your limit, since there will be people working the event in the space as well. Just something to consider, if you have not already.
    BabyFruit Ticker
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    It's very strange to me that you would ask her if she could come and then tell her "OK, you won't be invited" when she said no. That seems hurtful. We had people who told us they couldn't come, but we invited them anyway because we wanted them there and plans change. If you asked me if I could come, I would assume you WANT me there. Putting out "feelers" has backfired on you. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Usually I would say it is very rude for anyone to invite them self to any event and I would not feel bad about not accommodating them.

    However, in your case OP, by putting out "feelers" you verbally invited a bunch of people to your wedding. Yeah, there is a bunch of weird stuff that happened in the middle there, but ultimately I think you should accommodate your cousin, if you even have the physical space to do so (as noted above, your guest list vs. room capacity can be two very different and important things).

    Lurkers- Before you plan anything, you need to know your budget and who you want to invite to your wedding. Then you figure out what kind of wedding you can afford to host (sit down dinner vs. brunch vs. cake and punch). You don't make your guest list fit a venue (it's the other way around). And you don't put our feelers or invite based on declines, because every guest you invite are the ones you want there!
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