BM and MOG dress vent

ThxSugar · February 2016

May I vent to y'all for a second?
I didn't want bridesmaids but caved to pressure and now FSIL and my sister are bridesmaids. I don't expect anything from them and told them they can wear whatever they feel good in so it is really NBD.
However, my fmil and fsil can't wrap their heads around it. To the point of thinking FSIL, my sister, and I are going dress shopping when fsil and I visit my hometown in a few months, which I had no plans to do.
FMIL is stressing because she has to wait to pick her dress until after my mom. My mom has a lot on her plate and not thinking about my wedding, let alone what she is going to wear. I have tried to encourage FMIL to wear whatever she wants but she insists that the MOB picks first.
I am just going to continue to bean dip them until the wedding but it blows my mind that telling them to wear whatever they want is causes them so much strife. I feel like they think I am being difficult when I just really don't care what they wear!

End vent.

ETA: I love them dearly and am not upset with them in anyway. They are fabulous women who are incredibly helpful.

princessleia22 · February 2016

My BM's were the same way. Both of them had whole wedding party being very matchy-matchy in their weddings. I told them to wear any blue dress they want. I told them to get something they like, will wear again, without breaking the bank. Any store, any shade of blue, any material, didn't matter to me. After many questions, I finally gave them a navy blue color sample to go with. They still went to David's and bought exact matching dresses.

My dad decided that he HAD to wear exact same as groomsmen. I told him to wear whatever suit he already had and was comfortable wearing, color didn't matter. But, he felt that he had to buy matching suits to groomsmen. The only reason groom & groomsman suits matched was because there was a buy 1 get 3 free sale, so MIL bought all the suits (she even gave one to my dad). But, MIL did freak out a bit that she couldn't get a matching suit for our 12 year old nephew, who was a groomsman. She could only find navy blue suits with 3 buttons in his size, instead of a 2 button suit like the other groomsmen. It took several conversations to convince her that the number of buttons on the suit was SO not a big deal.

Why is the "we don't care if you match, wear what you want" thing so hard for people to grasp???

ThxSugar · February 2016

@princessleia22 glad I am not the only one. I was starting to feel like a jerk, lol.

princessleia22 · February 2016

I found it easiest to just give in on them with most things. If they want to match, it didn't bother me any more than not matching would. I was trying to make the process as painfree as possible for them, but the "I don't care what you wear" was more difficult and stressful to them. So, giving them guidelines and letting them match ended up being the easiest and less painful option for everyone. They were just too worried that they would ruin my wedding, no matter how many times I said it didn't matter. They can only see how they would feel and the people that are used to the matching, perfect weddings seem to have a hard time releasing the idea of a perfectly controlled vision.

ThxSugar · February 2016

If it gets too bad I will try giving them a guideline or two. But honestly I just don't know yet. Maybe in a couple months I will have more insight but we don't really have colors and haven't picked out any decor yet.
I feel the worst for my FMIL since she is (needlessly) waiting on someone who doesn't know anyone is waiting on her. My mom has a lot going on and I don't want to add to her stress by mentioning it to her yet. There is still a lot of time for shopping.

ShesSoCold · February 2016

Yeah, I think people are so used to the matchy matchy bridal parties and the control freak bride that "whatever you want" is even more stressful. I went shopping with my sister just so I could "approve" what she picked because she was worried she'd pick something I didn't like.

I would have approved anything she wanted, really.

ThxSugar · February 2016

I think FSIL is starting to figure it out. She showed me a very pretty emerald green dress on pintrest. It would look beautiful with her skin tone and the cut is perfect for her body. But her question was if my sister would wear anything like that (probably not). Worst case scenario is I will go shopping with them, which is great because I love shopping and spending time with them.

ernursej · February 2016

Sounds like you are doing just fine. I think matchy-matchy has become such a thing that people get anxious when it is not. Stick to your guns and I like @shessocold way of 'approving' whatever option they go with.

avpenguinrn · February 2016

ThxSugar said:

May I vent to y'all for a second?
I didn't want bridesmaids but caved to pressure and now FSIL and my sister are bridesmaids. I don't expect anything from them and told them they can wear whatever they feel good in so it is really NBD.
However, my fmil and fsil can't wrap their heads around it. To the point of thinking FSIL, my sister, and I are going dress shopping when fsil and I visit my hometown in a few months, which I had no plans to do.
FMIL is stressing because she has to wait to pick her dress until after my mom. My mom has a lot on her plate and not thinking about my wedding, let alone what she is going to wear. I have tried to encourage FMIL to wear whatever she wants but she insists that the MOB picks first.
I am just going to continue to bean dip them until the wedding but it blows my mind that telling them to wear whatever they want is causes them so much strife. I feel like they think I am being difficult when I just really don't care what they wear!

End vent.

ETA: I love them dearly and am not upset with them in anyway. They are fabulous women who are incredibly helpful.

To the bolded... My FSIL told my FMIL that she had to wait to pick a dress until my mom picked hers. Cue me and my mom telling FH to encourage his mom to pick a dress without worrying about my mom, FSIL continuing to tell FMIL she had to wait, my mom feeling pressured to pick a dress so FMIL could pick one, and around and around. It just seemed ridiculous to me. Eventually both moms picked a dress (and they do happen to kind of coordinate without them knowing what the other picked) but it was so dumb. I think people, sadly, are so used to being told either they have to wear x,y,z (in the case of BMs) or that the bride and bride's mom are more "important" somehow (in the case of MOG) that they're thrown off and uncomfortable when they're faced with a bride who really just wants everyone to feel comfortable and pretty in whatever that means for them.

[Deleted User] · February 2016

Can you go on pinterest and find a picture of mis-matched bridal parties or whatever and show it to the freaked out family members? "Look FSIL, here's the deal. This is what I'm going for. See how one bridesmaid is in a floor length mint green strapless dress and another bridesmaid is in a hot pink knee length number? See how they don't match and yet they look fantastic? This is what I want. I want you to look fantastic in a dress you love. Please just pick something."

*Barbie* · February 2016

princessleia22 said:

But, MIL did freak out a bit that she couldn't get a matching suit for our 12 year old nephew, who was a groomsman. She could only find navy blue suits with 3 buttons in his size, instead of a 2 button suit like the other groomsmen. It took several conversations to convince her that the number of buttons on the suit was SO not a big deal.

why didn't they just cut off the 3rd button?

*Barbie* · February 2016

adk19 said:

Can you go on pinterest and find a picture of mis-matched bridal parties or whatever and show it to the freaked out family members? "Look FSIL, here's the deal. This is what I'm going for. See how one bridesmaid is in a floor length mint green strapless dress and another bridesmaid is in a hot pink knee length number? See how they don't match and yet they look fantastic? This is what I want. I want you to look fantastic in a dress you love. Please just pick something."

that actually sounds pretty horrific.

scrunchythief · February 2016

My MOH and BM were like this too. Since it didn't matter to me, I went with what they said. The three of us went out to some department stores and found a dress in the business section that we all loved and was much cheaper than most "bridesmaids" dresses. Since they both work in office settings, they have actually both worn them again.

flantastic · February 2016

ThxSugar said:

If it gets too bad I will try giving them a guideline or two. But honestly I just don't know yet. Maybe in a couple months I will have more insight but we don't really have colors and haven't picked out any decor yet.
I feel the worst for my FMIL since she is (needlessly) waiting on someone who doesn't know anyone is waiting on her. My mom has a lot going on and I don't want to add to her stress by mentioning it to her yet. There is still a lot of time for shopping.

This was my thing - if FMIL really wants to wait on your mom, she's either putting unwarranted pressure on your mom or waiting indefinitely for literally no good reason.

I told MIL (who had this in her head also) that my mom would probably make her dress and it might be close to the wedding - so no, seriously, go buy something if you want to buy something now. You may want to tell your FMIL that really, she can wear whatever independent of your mom, that you're not going to pressure your mom to change her dress shopping timeline, and for all you know she's planning to pick something up the week before the wedding, so seriously, have at the shopping.

ThxSugar · February 2016

adk19 said:

Can you go on pinterest and find a picture of mis-matched bridal parties or whatever and show it to the freaked out family members? "Look FSIL, here's the deal. This is what I'm going for. See how one bridesmaid is in a floor length mint green strapless dress and another bridesmaid is in a hot pink knee length number? See how they don't match and yet they look fantastic? This is what I want. I want you to look fantastic in a dress you love. Please just pick something."

I could probably do that. Idk that it will come to that though. If they are still lost in a few months, when FSIL and I fly back to my hometown, I will go shopping with them. I am not terribly worried about it because I know, come that day in October, they probably will not show up naked. I just feel a little bad because I am really not trying to make it harder for them and I feel like I am.

ThxSugar · February 2016

What I want to say when they ask what I want is, "I want to not have to dress grown ups" lol.

*Barbie* · February 2016

ThxSugar said:

I could probably do that. Idk that it will come to that though. If they are still lost in a few months, when FSIL and I fly back to my hometown, I will go shopping with them. I am not terribly worried about it because I know, come that day in October, they probably will not show up naked. I just feel a little bad because I am really not trying to make it harder for them and I feel like I am.

you just might be surprised.

if you really want to have some fun, set up a Pinterest "inspiration" board for your fMIL, and post a bunch of pictures of over the top outfits - fascinators from Will &Kate's wedding, Shots from RuPaul's Drag Race, animals wearing clothes, etc. Tell her to use that as a guide.

*Barbie* · February 2016

ThxSugar · February 2016

*Barbie* said:

ThxSugar said:

I could probably do that. Idk that it will come to that though. If they are still lost in a few months, when FSIL and I fly back to my hometown, I will go shopping with them. I am not terribly worried about it because I know, come that day in October, they probably will not show up naked. I just feel a little bad because I am really not trying to make it harder for them and I feel like I am.

you just might be surprised.

if you really want to have some fun, set up a Pinterest "inspiration" board for your fMIL, and post a bunch of pictures of over the top outfits - fascinators from Will &Kate's wedding, Shots from RuPaul's Drag Race, animals wearing clothes, etc. Tell her to use that as a guide.

I have been tempted to do that for the wedding in general. Just like the craziest shit I can find. Clowns, motorcycles, pinatas, all pirate themed shit... but I am incredibly lazy.

*Barbie* · February 2016

ThxSugar said:

*Barbie* said:

ThxSugar said:

I could probably do that. Idk that it will come to that though. If they are still lost in a few months, when FSIL and I fly back to my hometown, I will go shopping with them. I am not terribly worried about it because I know, come that day in October, they probably will not show up naked. I just feel a little bad because I am really not trying to make it harder for them and I feel like I am.

you just might be surprised.

if you really want to have some fun, set up a Pinterest "inspiration" board for your fMIL, and post a bunch of pictures of over the top outfits - fascinators from Will &Kate's wedding, Shots from RuPaul's Drag Race, animals wearing clothes, etc. Tell her to use that as a guide.

I have been tempted to do that for the wedding in general. Just like the craziest shit I can find. Clowns, motorcycles, pinatas, all pirate themed shit... but I am incredibly lazy.

My MIL refused to do a pirate themed baby shower for me - that was 5.5 years ago. I'm not bitter or anything.

MesmrEwe · February 2016

O.k. go shopping someplace that your FMIL can be talked into trying on MOG dresses at the same time. Stick to your "whatever you like" and just watch their nonverbal communication for when they find something they look and feel great wearing and positively reinforce the heck out of it!

OurWildKingdom · February 2016

*Barbie* said:

ThxSugar said:

I could probably do that. Idk that it will come to that though. If they are still lost in a few months, when FSIL and I fly back to my hometown, I will go shopping with them. I am not terribly worried about it because I know, come that day in October, they probably will not show up naked. I just feel a little bad because I am really not trying to make it harder for them and I feel like I am.

you just might be surprised.

if you really want to have some fun, set up a Pinterest "inspiration" board for your fMIL, and post a bunch of pictures of over the top outfits - fascinators from Will &Kate's wedding, Shots from RuPaul's Drag Race, animals wearing clothes, etc. Tell her to use that as a guide.

Don't forget anything that Effie Trinket wore in the Hunger Games trilogy! She wore some over-the-top outfits.

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