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Wedding Etiquette Forum
dyerwise
member
Officiant Question...
This isn't exactly etiquette related, however...
FI wants to ask his childhood friend, D, to be the officiant for our wedding. He and D have not been close since high school but says it would mean a lot to him to ask D to be the officiant.
D is now a Christian minister, FI and I are not religious. I grew up going to a Christian church, but I left when I was 18.
I don't mind a Christian minister being our officiant, however, FI and I would prefer to have a secular ceremony. We do not want any mention of any religion/Lord/God/Jesus.
I feel really weird/bad asking someone who has decided to dedicate their life to the Christian faith as a minister to leave out any and all reference to God/Jesus.
FI swears it won't be a big deal and D is a "super cool guy".
Any recommendations?
FI wants to ask his childhood friend, D, to be the officiant for our wedding. He and D have not been close since high school but says it would mean a lot to him to ask D to be the officiant.
D is now a Christian minister, FI and I are not religious. I grew up going to a Christian church, but I left when I was 18.
I don't mind a Christian minister being our officiant, however, FI and I would prefer to have a secular ceremony. We do not want any mention of any religion/Lord/God/Jesus.
I feel really weird/bad asking someone who has decided to dedicate their life to the Christian faith as a minister to leave out any and all reference to God/Jesus.
FI swears it won't be a big deal and D is a "super cool guy".
Any recommendations?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Officiant Question...
I think it's a bit peculiar, but not any different than people who pick officiants out of the yellow pages or get married by whomever is available at a courthouse. There is no requirement that you have a close pre-existing relationship with your officiant.
That said, I wouldn't be surprised if his friend turns him down, regardless of how "cool" the guy is. I have a few acquaintances who are pastors and their church bylaws specifically state they are prohibited from performing marriage ceremonies not adhering to the tenets of their faith (I.e. no same sex marriage, no secular services, etc.). I think as long as your not actively rebuking his chosen faith in the process of our and he's comfortable with it and not prohibited from doing it by his church, there isn't any harm. At the very least you can ask, but be upfront about not wanting religious aspects and very clear that you understand this may not be something he is comfortable with.
My cousin, who is Jewish, married her now-husband (himself not religious) in an interfaith civil ceremony, and wanted his father, a Mormon clergyman, to "say something" without mentioning anything of a religious nature. My family all advised her against asking him to say anything. She made the request anyway, and he did anyway-in a speech full of references to Christ.
If you don't want religion in your ceremony, don't ask a clergyperson of any religion to officiate, regardless of how "super cool" the person is, because it IS a "big deal."
And see where it goes.
My brother didn't want to have a Catholic wedding and he asked the our priest if he could officiate a non-Catholic wedding. Priest said that he couldn't, and my brother thanked him. No hurt feelings on either side.
Our officiant is a United minister, but he regularly officiates non-secular weddings. He told us upfront that he was happy to officiate whatever style of ceremony we wanted. Thus I don't think it's completely out of left field to ask this friend if he would officiate a secular service.