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Wedding Woes

Is there such a thing as a Bridesmaid-zilla?

I need help... I have four bridesmaids, but one of my bridesmaids has become progressively more and more of a nightmare. 

She has tried to undermine almost all my decisions. She didn't like the dress I chose that everyone else agreed on, so she was determined to choose her own. She didn't like that I didn't include her two kids as flower girls (we're not having any young kids in the WP), and she went behind my back to purchase flower girl dresses for them and said she was just going to send them down the aisle whether I wanted them or not. She's made snide remarks and made “jokes” at my expense. I’ve asked her to please stop as they make me uncomfortable and I’ve also mentioned that, me being someone with clinical anxiety and depression, this is most definitely not helpful.  

My other bridesmaids have even told me that she has been horrible about planning, but they delayed saying anything because they didn’t want to upset me. She has shut them out of every discussion and lied and told them that I put her 100% in charge. She is also the only bridesmaid to have not purchased her dress yet (they were all chosen in August and everyone else ordered by November --we are less than three months from the wedding now). When I asked her if she could forward her order confirmation to me for my records (as the other bridesmaids had already done), everything went nuclear. She called me childish and said I had “no faith” in her. She said I wasn’t a good friend and she feels like I’m nagging her. This wasn’t my intention and I told her so with an apology and said I just wanted to make sure she had her dress in time for the big day (other bridesmaids have said it took anywhere from 8-15 weeks to get their dresses after ordering).

At what point is enough ENOUGH? I didn’t want to lose her friendship, but now I’m struggling with how to handle this. She hasn't even acknowledged that she's done something wrong. Never in a million years did I think I would be at the point of un-inviting one of my bridesmaids less than three months before the day. I just don’t see how either of us is going to recover from this enough to be okay. Have I made a horrible misstep? Am I an unconscious bridezilla? I’ve openly encouraged my bridesmaids to be honest with me about something if they have a problem with it as I want everyone involved to relax and enjoy themselves, so this has taken me quite by surprise. 

What would you do? I'm afraid that this person is going to make a scene at my shower/bachelorette party/wedding and cause me more distress than it's worth. She's already driven me to the point of tears multiple times. 

Re: Is there such a thing as a Bridesmaid-zilla?

  • thefanciestbecklerthefanciestbeckler Chattanooga, TN member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    edited March 2016
    I need help... I have four bridesmaids, but one of my bridesmaids has become progressively more and more of a nightmare. 

    She has tried to undermine almost all my decisions. She didn't like the dress I chose that everyone else agreed on, so she was determined to choose her own. She didn't like that I didn't include her two kids as flower girls (we're not having any young kids in the WP), and she went behind my back to purchase flower girl dresses for them and said she was just going to send them down the aisle whether I wanted them or not. She's made snide remarks and made “jokes” at my expense. I’ve asked her to please stop as they make me uncomfortable and I’ve also mentioned that, me being someone with clinical anxiety and depression, this is most definitely not helpful.  

    My other bridesmaids have even told me that she has been horrible about planning, but they delayed saying anything because they didn’t want to upset me. She has shut them out of every discussion and lied and told them that I put her 100% in charge. She is also the only bridesmaid to have not purchased her dress yet (they were all chosen in August and everyone else ordered by November --we are less than three months from the wedding now). When I asked her if she could forward her order confirmation to me for my records (as the other bridesmaids had already done), everything went nuclear. She called me childish and said I had “no faith” in her. She said I wasn’t a good friend and she feels like I’m nagging her. This wasn’t my intention and I told her so with an apology and said I just wanted to make sure she had her dress in time for the big day (other bridesmaids have said it took anywhere from 8-15 weeks to get their dresses after ordering).

    At what point is enough ENOUGH? I didn’t want to lose her friendship, but now I’m struggling with how to handle this. She hasn't even acknowledged that she's done something wrong. Never in a million years did I think I would be at the point of un-inviting one of my bridesmaids less than three months before the day. I just don’t see how either of us is going to recover from this enough to be okay. Have I made a horrible misstep? Am I an unconscious bridezilla? I’ve openly encouraged my bridesmaids to be honest with me about something if they have a problem with it as I want everyone involved to relax and enjoy themselves, so this has taken me quite by surprise. 

    What would you do? I'm afraid that this person is going to make a scene at my shower/bachelorette party/wedding and cause me more distress than it's worth. She's already driven me to the point of tears multiple times. 

    I guess my first question is this.... Has she never acted like this before? There is almost no way that this is something that suddenly started happening once she was asked to be a part of the bridal party.

    Second- do not worry about her ordering her dress. That is not for you to control, and you should absolutely not be asking for order confirmation emails from any of your bridesmaids. They are adults.

    My advice to you is to STOP talking to her about wedding related things. She has no responsibilities other than showing up sober on your wedding day in the selected attire. There is no reason to include her in any aspect of planning.

    ETA- Based on your post she does sound like a very difficult person to deal with. I'm curious as to what made you choose her in the first place.

    OliveOilsMommadamerwin
  • I need help... I have four bridesmaids, but one of my bridesmaids has become progressively more and more of a nightmare. 

    She has tried to undermine almost all my decisions. She didn't like the dress I chose that everyone else agreed on, so she was determined to choose her own. She didn't like that I didn't include her two kids as flower girls (we're not having any young kids in the WP), and she went behind my back to purchase flower girl dresses for them and said she was just going to send them down the aisle whether I wanted them or not. She's made snide remarks and made “jokes” at my expense. I’ve asked her to please stop as they make me uncomfortable and I’ve also mentioned that, me being someone with clinical anxiety and depression, this is most definitely not helpful.  

    My other bridesmaids have even told me that she has been horrible about planning, but they delayed saying anything because they didn’t want to upset me. She has shut them out of every discussion and lied and told them that I put her 100% in charge. She is also the only bridesmaid to have not purchased her dress yet (they were all chosen in August and everyone else ordered by November --we are less than three months from the wedding now). When I asked her if she could forward her order confirmation to me for my records (as the other bridesmaids had already done), everything went nuclear. She called me childish and said I had “no faith” in her. She said I wasn’t a good friend and she feels like I’m nagging her. This wasn’t my intention and I told her so with an apology and said I just wanted to make sure she had her dress in time for the big day (other bridesmaids have said it took anywhere from 8-15 weeks to get their dresses after ordering).

    At what point is enough ENOUGH? I didn’t want to lose her friendship, but now I’m struggling with how to handle this. She hasn't even acknowledged that she's done something wrong. Never in a million years did I think I would be at the point of un-inviting one of my bridesmaids less than three months before the day. I just don’t see how either of us is going to recover from this enough to be okay. Have I made a horrible misstep? Am I an unconscious bridezilla? I’ve openly encouraged my bridesmaids to be honest with me about something if they have a problem with it as I want everyone involved to relax and enjoy themselves, so this has taken me quite by surprise. 

    What would you do? I'm afraid that this person is going to make a scene at my shower/bachelorette party/wedding and cause me more distress than it's worth. She's already driven me to the point of tears multiple times. 

    If you fire her or uninvite her, you will lose your friendship - although it doesn't sound like much of a loss, based on your post. 

    Is there something going on in her life that could be causing her to go bat shit crazy, or has she always been like this, but maybe to a lesser extent? 
    OurWildKingdom
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I need help... I have four bridesmaids, but one of my bridesmaids has become progressively more and more of a nightmare. 

    She has tried to undermine almost all my decisions. She didn't like the dress I chose that everyone else agreed on, so she was determined to choose her own. She didn't like that I didn't include her two kids as flower girls (we're not having any young kids in the WP), and she went behind my back to purchase flower girl dresses for them and said she was just going to send them down the aisle whether I wanted them or not. She's made snide remarks and made “jokes” at my expense. I’ve asked her to please stop as they make me uncomfortable and I’ve also mentioned that, me being someone with clinical anxiety and depression, this is most definitely not helpful.  

    My other bridesmaids have even told me that she has been horrible about planning, but they delayed saying anything because they didn’t want to upset me. She has shut them out of every discussion and lied and told them that I put her 100% in charge. She is also the only bridesmaid to have not purchased her dress yet (they were all chosen in August and everyone else ordered by November --we are less than three months from the wedding now). When I asked her if she could forward her order confirmation to me for my records (as the other bridesmaids had already done), everything went nuclear. She called me childish and said I had “no faith” in her. She said I wasn’t a good friend and she feels like I’m nagging her. This wasn’t my intention and I told her so with an apology and said I just wanted to make sure she had her dress in time for the big day (other bridesmaids have said it took anywhere from 8-15 weeks to get their dresses after ordering).

    At what point is enough ENOUGH? I didn’t want to lose her friendship, but now I’m struggling with how to handle this. She hasn't even acknowledged that she's done something wrong. Never in a million years did I think I would be at the point of un-inviting one of my bridesmaids less than three months before the day. I just don’t see how either of us is going to recover from this enough to be okay. Have I made a horrible misstep? Am I an unconscious bridezilla? I’ve openly encouraged my bridesmaids to be honest with me about something if they have a problem with it as I want everyone involved to relax and enjoy themselves, so this has taken me quite by surprise. 

    What would you do? I'm afraid that this person is going to make a scene at my shower/bachelorette party/wedding and cause me more distress than it's worth. She's already driven me to the point of tears multiple times. 

    The bolded - it's not like she was just being difficult; she didn't like the dress, and you essentially said "well, everyone else does, so we're going to ignore your preference." I think WP members have the right to be at least comfortable in their attire.

    You were nagging her about the dress. Stop. You have two options if she doesn't have the dress on the day of the wedding:
    1) She can still participate just as she would have otherwise, in whatever she's wearing, because she's your friend. You still get married.
    2) She doesn't have the proper attire for a wedding party role, so she's taken herself out of the wedding party. You have one fewer bridesmaid, and she has no one to blame but herself. You still get married.

    The other stuff with the flower girls is just weird, but calm down. Sounds like she's making a joke, but even if she somehow does what she claims (sends the girls down the aisle) I think you will still manage to get married. This should not be fuel for genuine anxiety. Just stop talking to her about wedding stuff, and hope she's there that day in the dress.

    If you don't want to be friends with her after the wedding, then let the friendship die then - no need to create some drama-filled situation by uninviting her.
    [Deleted User]OurWildKingdomshort+sassy
  • Yeah, I mean we say that the BMs' only job is to wear the dress and stand there, so really, she should wear the dress.  But I also think that, since this is presumably a dear friend of yours, you wouldn't want to force her into something she hates.  It seems like a silly and arbitrary hill to die on.

    Agree with @thefanciestbeckler 100%:  you should not be asking people to send you their order confirmations, I can see why your BM would feel like she was being treated like a child.  If she doesn't order the dress, then she's not in the WP, it's super simple.  It's not like your marriage itself is hanging in the balance.

    If she truly has been "horrible at planning" then she doesn't need to plan anything, easy-peasy.  If this planning refers to pre-wedding parties or other activities, those are strictly voluntary, no one can be drafted into them.  If she chooses not to participate, then that's that. 

    My DD was a flower girl in a wedding once where I guess one of the bride's friends was put out that her daughter wasn't asked to be a FG.  She showed up with her daughter all decked out the day of and even asked the photographer to take photos of her daughter and the bride while the bride was getting ready, to the point that the photographer was confused about which girl was the FG.  But at the least the friend didn't send her kid down the aisle.  And if she had, it would have been insane but would not have invalidated the marriage.

    I agree with the PP:  of course you can remove her from the BP, but understand that it will almost certainly end your friendship permanently.  So I guess decide whether that's what you want.
    [Deleted User]short+sassy
  • First - it sounds like the friendship has run its course...  Proceed with caution, but it's a friendship ending move to remove her from the WP but it might be time for a "Are your really sure you want to be a BM or would you prefer to be invited as a guest because it just seems like you're not wanting the part?" And you never know, she just might say "It's stressing me out, and I'd rather come as a guest!" or "The reason I didn't like the BM dress is it's out of my budget and I can't afford it after I overspent on FG dresses assuming the girls would be FG"...  Give her the opportunity to write herself out.  Also, no more word about the BM dress, and when she comes whining to you because it's not in yet the week before your wedding because she didn't order it until a month before, you have permission to not be sympathetic nor empathetic to her situation. 

    As for what her kids wear, you're not allowed to tell your guests what to/not to wear so if they wear those dresses, it's fine, but they're to walk in/be seated just as the rest of your guests will be.  She doesn't get to dictate who walks in with the WP...

    There's nothing more frustrating than a BM doing the stuff you're going through.  We had one of ours who disliked every single idea/detail relating to the wedding and I believe there were two months that we didn't talk to eachother at all leading up to the wedding as we BOTH needed our space.  After the wedding the other BM said things like "If that's how you wanted it, I'd have been fine with that idea!!!" which bugs me because it was one of those things that I'd grown up with a picture of my Mom in my Aunt's wedding and something she had her BM's do that I'd always said I wanted to do when I got married and this BM made it out to be that the rest of the girls absolutely hated it...  Ultimately, it takes two to make a friendship, you have to decide for your part of things how you want to proceed.  If the friendship has passed (not related to anything wedding related) and there's no way to salvage it, now's the time before she orders the dress vs. waiting and have someone you're no longer friends with in the pictures for eternity... 

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • MesmrEwe said:

    First - it sounds like the friendship has run its course...  Proceed with caution, but it's a friendship ending move to remove her from the WP but it might be time for a "Are your really sure you want to be a BM or would you prefer to be invited as a guest because it just seems like you're not wanting the part?" And you never know, she just might say "It's stressing me out, and I'd rather come as a guest!" or "The reason I didn't like the BM dress is it's out of my budget and I can't afford it after I overspent on FG dresses assuming the girls would be FG"...  Give her the opportunity to write herself out.  Also, no more word about the BM dress, and when she comes whining to you because it's not in yet the week before your wedding because she didn't order it until a month before, you have permission to not be sympathetic nor empathetic to her situation. 

    As for what her kids wear, you're not allowed to tell your guests what to/not to wear so if they wear those dresses, it's fine, but they're to walk in/be seated just as the rest of your guests will be.  She doesn't get to dictate who walks in with the WP...

    There's nothing more frustrating than a BM doing the stuff you're going through.  We had one of ours who disliked every single idea/detail relating to the wedding and I believe there were two months that we didn't talk to eachother at all leading up to the wedding as we BOTH needed our space.  After the wedding the other BM said things like "If that's how you wanted it, I'd have been fine with that idea!!!" which bugs me because it was one of those things that I'd grown up with a picture of my Mom in my Aunt's wedding and something she had her BM's do that I'd always said I wanted to do when I got married and this BM made it out to be that the rest of the girls absolutely hated it...  Ultimately, it takes two to make a friendship, you have to decide for your part of things how you want to proceed.  If the friendship has passed (not related to anything wedding related) and there's no way to salvage it, now's the time before she orders the dress vs. waiting and have someone you're no longer friends with in the pictures for eternity... 

    No.  Asking her if she "really wants the role" is basically telling her that you'd like to kick her out but don't want the guilt for doing so, so, instead, you're going to ask her if she'd like to step down.  If you're going to do that, you might as well kick her out.  it will send the same message
    charlotte989875HeffalumpOliveOilsMom
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I need help... I have four bridesmaids, but one of my bridesmaids has become progressively more and more of a nightmare. 

    She has tried to undermine almost all my decisions. She didn't like the dress I chose that everyone else agreed on, so she was determined to choose her own. She didn't like that I didn't include her two kids as flower girls (we're not having any young kids in the WP), and she went behind my back to purchase flower girl dresses for them and said she was just going to send them down the aisle whether I wanted them or not. She's made snide remarks and made “jokes” at my expense. I’ve asked her to please stop as they make me uncomfortable and I’ve also mentioned that, me being someone with clinical anxiety and depression, this is most definitely not helpful.  

    My other bridesmaids have even told me that she has been horrible about planning, but they delayed saying anything because they didn’t want to upset me. She has shut them out of every discussion and lied and told them that I put her 100% in charge. She is also the only bridesmaid to have not purchased her dress yet (they were all chosen in August and everyone else ordered by November --we are less than three months from the wedding now). When I asked her if she could forward her order confirmation to me for my records (as the other bridesmaids had already done), everything went nuclear. She called me childish and said I had “no faith” in her. She said I wasn’t a good friend and she feels like I’m nagging her. This wasn’t my intention and I told her so with an apology and said I just wanted to make sure she had her dress in time for the big day (other bridesmaids have said it took anywhere from 8-15 weeks to get their dresses after ordering).

    At what point is enough ENOUGH? I didn’t want to lose her friendship, but now I’m struggling with how to handle this. She hasn't even acknowledged that she's done something wrong. Never in a million years did I think I would be at the point of un-inviting one of my bridesmaids less than three months before the day. I just don’t see how either of us is going to recover from this enough to be okay. Have I made a horrible misstep? Am I an unconscious bridezilla? I’ve openly encouraged my bridesmaids to be honest with me about something if they have a problem with it as I want everyone involved to relax and enjoy themselves, so this has taken me quite by surprise. 

    What would you do? I'm afraid that this person is going to make a scene at my shower/bachelorette party/wedding and cause me more distress than it's worth. She's already driven me to the point of tears multiple times. 

    Assuming you plan to keep her as a friend (and at this point I'm not sure why you'd want to do that), I'd leave her in the bridal party and back off a bit.  As long as she shows up in the dress sober, on time, and in good spirits, processes and recesses down the aisle, and poses for some photos, she's doing what she needs to do.  Let her get the dress on her own schedule.  If she doesn't, she'll have taken herself out of the bridal party.

    That said, you can make clear to her that the lies, snide remarks and "jokes" are to stop immediately, and that only you get to decide who is and isn't in the bridal party and that you have decided that her daughters are not flower girls and will not be going down the aisle (and make sure that everyone else who needs to know that is aware of that and keeps it from happening). If she refuses to stop, then I'd drop her as a friend, because those are not the acts of a friend - and that will allow you to drop her as a bridesmaid.
    MesmrEwe
  • Yes!!! My cousin had a bridesmaidzilla who ruined the bachelorette party I (MOH) planned because she was upset about not being MOH and my cousin would mediate the situation rather than handle it directly. My advice be direct! I have a bridesmaid who was causing issues 2 weeks after being asked and I was direct and just let her know that I didn't think it was fair for her, myself, or the other bridesmaids if she continued to be a bridesmaid. We are still friends, not as close but I dodged a bullet and have replaced her with an amazing friend who has been the best. 
    MesmrEwe
  • Yes!!! My cousin had a bridesmaidzilla who ruined the bachelorette party I (MOH) planned because she was upset about not being MOH and my cousin would mediate the situation rather than handle it directly. My advice be direct! I have a bridesmaid who was causing issues 2 weeks after being asked and I was direct and just let her know that I didn't think it was fair for her, myself, or the other bridesmaids if she continued to be a bridesmaid. We are still friends, not as close but I dodged a bullet and have replaced her with an amazing friend who has been the best. 
    What kind of issues can someone cause in a 2wk period? 
                 
    mrsconn23Heffalumplnixon8[Deleted User]
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