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Wedding Woes

HELP!!! WEDDING BLUES

Hi fellow brides to be,

I'm at a point into the wedding planning process where i'm just unhappy and honestly can't wait for everything to be done and over with. I've been with my fiance for over seven years and I am very excited to marry him however it's just been very difficult along the way. My soon to be mother in law has never been particularly fond of me and has even told me that she will never love me like family, and that it will take her more time to adjust to me (May 2015) so 6 years of being part of her son's life. I've discussed this with my fiance and since he has never witnessed her being rude to me he feels like he doesnt need to say anything even though it really bothers me. I'm the type of person that does not dislike a person unless I have a reason to and i've never given his mother a reason to dislike me...it's just very hard and I feel like i'm trapped in my own mind because I can never talk to my fiance about things, he just gets angry and wants to stop talking about it. Also, I need some advice on how to handle my fiance and his groomsman going to Vegas for his bachelor party. I'm going to Cancun, however his friends are very crazy and all are single and into the play-boy lifestyle so it bothers me that he will be put in specific situations that his friends may think are fun and no big deal but to me they are plain disrespectful to our relationship (strippers, drugs, getting overly drunk...etc). I've talked to my fiance about this too but he just gets mad and says that if I don't trust him we shouldnt be getting married...please HELP!!! I'm at a loss for words and I can't really talk to anyone about this. 

Re: HELP!!! WEDDING BLUES

  • Well - not getting married is cheaper than divorce...  The issue is do you trust him or not, if the answer is squishy in any way, the answer is no, there's no sugarcoating it.  The question is how deep is your line in the sand?  Going to a strip club in Vegas - meh - who likes to get teased, the only risk there is his wallet being emptied..  It's another thing if he was going to Reno with a stop at the Bunny Ranch as part of the trip...  Now the "Drugs" part you mention - yea, line in the sand, for me that'd be the "NOPE!" unacceptable, if illegal - it's off immediately (you don't need to deal with addictions)... 

    As for the FMIL - she's not your Mom, you're marrying in to the family (if you choose to go through with it), it IS going to be different from your own family's dynamics.  It is what it is.  If your FI wants nothing to do with discussing any issues like this now for expectations in the future (i.e. should you choose to have children are they going to only be treated like half-family), he's not going to magically do so after you're married, which is why it might be a good idea to go do a retreat or something for yourself for a weekend (ALONE), or do a "Couple's Encounter" weekend together to work some of these things out and learn the skills for doing so after you're married. 

    There are a lot of red flags with what you posted, and there are some great knotties on here who have had to make "that call" after being in long-term relationships who can probably guide you better.  As for the "ready for the pre-wedding stuff to be over" that part is perfectly normal, the rest, not so much!!!

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    OurWildKingdomholyguacamole79OliveOilsMom
  • I do trust him, I have to especially since he has never given me any reason to not trust him. He has discussed with his Best Man about No private dancers however his other groomsman have brought this up to him multiple times and they do what they want regardless of my fiance's opinion because they feel like any opinion he has against the private dancers is due to me. I understand the strip clubs, they are no big deal but I am not comfortable with them having girls back to their rooms for private dances and what not. I think my issue is that I do not trust his groomsman and I feel like they have NO respect for our relationship. As for my FMIL I understand what you are saying, it is just very hard because I am very close with my family as is he so I just feel really out of place with his. As for children we will cross that bridge when it comes, I don't plan on having children for at least eight years. I think that a weekend alone is a very good idea. Also in regards to his bachelor party I feel like bachelor parties should be a celebration for the groom getting married, not one last bro weekend to get f-ed up. I think that my fiance has a lot of growing up to do, but I just don't know how to let go of the constant knots in my stomach. 
  • Yes he needs to grow up and getting married won't make him grow up. I'm in the same position as in, my FI needs to grow up as well and you have to decide if your willing to go into the marriage knowing it won't change him. Only he can change himself. I'm sorry you feel trapped in your head, that's not a good feeling. As for your FMIL you will just have to come to terms that she isn't going to love you the way you want. It sucks but you need to let it go, you have your family and they love you so just focus on them. And you really should discuss with your FI what happens when kids are involved not when "you have to cross that bridge" because when kids are involved that's a whole other battle and if he won't do anything about it, ultimately you'll be left with hard choices. 

    MesmrEweOurWildKingdomOliveOilsMom
  • As for my FMIL I understand what you are saying, it is just very hard because I am very close with my family as is he so I just feel really out of place with his. As for children we will cross that bridge when it comes, I don't plan on having children for at least eight years. I think that a weekend alone is a very good idea. Also in regards to his bachelor party I feel like bachelor parties should be a celebration for the groom getting married, not one last bro weekend to get f-ed up. I think that my fiance has a lot of growing up to do, but I just don't know how to let go of the constant knots in my stomach. 
    Life doesn't always go "as planned" - if you can't agree/discuss stuff like this now before your married when you're in "ideal circumstances", then dealing with it when you're hormonal and pregnant, or MIL wants to see her grandbaby being born in the delivery room (OH HE** NO!)..  or hormonal after giving birth and your REAL feelings slip out right in front of her, or when she shuts you out/down about parenting decisions... Yes, you discuss/deal with this stuff now because if you can't do it now, once kids are brought into the mix, it's unfair to the potential kids to have to deal with "adult issues" because you two decided to put off those discussions. 
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    [Deleted User]short+sassy
  • Hi fellow brides to be,

    I'm at a point into the wedding planning process where i'm just unhappy and honestly can't wait for everything to be done and over with. I've been with my fiance for over seven years and I am very excited to marry him however it's just been very difficult along the way. My soon to be mother in law has never been particularly fond of me and has even told me that she will never love me like family, and that it will take her more time to adjust to me (May 2015) so 6 years of being part of her son's life. I've discussed this with my fiance and since he has never witnessed her being rude to me he feels like he doesnt need to say anything even though it really bothers me. I'm the type of person that does not dislike a person unless I have a reason to and i've never given his mother a reason to dislike me...it's just very hard and I feel like i'm trapped in my own mind because I can never talk to my fiance about things, he just gets angry and wants to stop talking about it. Also, I need some advice on how to handle my fiance and his groomsman going to Vegas for his bachelor party. I'm going to Cancun, however his friends are very crazy and all are single and into the play-boy lifestyle so it bothers me that he will be put in specific situations that his friends may think are fun and no big deal but to me they are plain disrespectful to our relationship (strippers, drugs, getting overly drunk...etc). I've talked to my fiance about this too but he just gets mad and says that if I don't trust him we shouldnt be getting married...please HELP!!! I'm at a loss for words and I can't really talk to anyone about this. 
    Both the bolded seem like red flags to me. (1) Your FI needs to have your back and take you at your word if you feel upset. If he's not, then this may grow into bigger problems down the road. There will be times and places when he will need to take your side over his mother's (i.e., spending holidays, raising grandkids, where you two move or how you run a house), and if he can't demonstrate that he is on your side now, you two need to talk about it before it gets more intense. Because it will. 

    (2) The fact that he just gets mad makes me mad on your behalf. WTF, dude? You trying to set some boundaries on his behavior with his bros makes him threaten not to get married to you? That is incredibly immature of him, OP, and if I were you, I'd be telling him that maybe he's right, and you two should postpone things until he determines if he is willing to figure out his priorities.

    I have no problems with groomsmen wanting to party hardy with the groom and wanting to bro it up at the bachelor party. What I do have a problem with is when the groom or the GMs put the bachelor party ahead of the wedding itself. The reason a groom has GMs is to have his friends stand beside him in support of his marriage, not to make you upset and jeopardize it before it ever begins. Some brides are okay with booze and strip clubs. Some are not. Whatever your future spouse's feelings are on the topic should be respected. I am okay with booze and the guys going to a strip club. I am not okay with drugs or personal strippers. Both my FI and his Best Man know that, and I trust both of them when they say they will not cross those boundaries. If your FH can't respect your wishes now, he is not going to do so just because you put a ring on his finger. You need to make him sit down and talk, or if he won't, then consider putting things on hold until he will. 

                        


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    MesmrEwe
  • OP - PP have provided a lot of great advice. I will mention that this doesn't mean you cannot get married, but there is never anything wrong with postponing until you can both get on the same page. Lots of relationships go through communication issues and with some help, many get back on track. Neither your behaviour/concerns or your FI behaviour/concerns are a deal breaker, but being on the same page is. Marriage is hard work (not that I've been married ... but from what I've been told) and it does require both parties to communicate. 

    I'm really going to hope that this was more of a post in the moment and that these things can get sorted out. 
    tigerlily6Lala9414
  • OP,  just out of curiosity, how old are you?  How old were you when you began your relationship?  Seven years is a long time out of a young life.
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    glasgowtolondonOliveOilsMom
  • I can't imagine not being able to talk to my FI about any of the things you mention above. Previously, I was in a long term relationship with someone that I couldn't approach about these things and it was awful, I drove myself crazy. I only realise how bad it was in hindsight. Maybe you need to really think about what you need from this relationship for peace of mind and question whether you are getting it. If you are unhappy now I guarantee you that a ring on the finger will not change anything.

    If you trust him then there is no problem regarding his batchelor party. His friends might get strippers without his consent but so what? That doesnt automatically mean he has no choice but to bang them. It doesn't sound like you trust him from what you have written. You dont give your trust to someone solely because they haven't given you a reason not to, ya know? There's more to it.

    Regarding your FMIL, that sucks but it is outwith your control. You'll drive yourself crazy trying to make her love you. One day things may change or they may not. What is concerning is that your FI won't take your side here. You can assume this will be the way it will go throughout your life if you put up with it now.

    Go to councelling by yourself, OP. Work out what you need and think hard on whether you are getting it. It's time to ask some hard questions.
                 
    tigerlily6MesmrEwe
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    First, I think it's a very bad sign that your FI will not hear you out regarding what his mother has said to you. And if he's not willing to stick up for you now, that will not change. I repeat, THAT WILL NOT CHANGE EVER. I had to learn the hard way (thank you, first marriage 2004-2005). And if he's not willing to listen to you and share your concerns, my advice is to walk away. 

    I completely 100% trust my husband. That means I trust him around his single friends, and I trust him around strippers. My husband was 41 on our wedding day, and this is his first (and only ;) ) marriage. That means that a good number of his friends are single dudes that like to party or married dudes with kids that are itching for a night out. My H isn't really into the stripper thing, but all of the guys attending his night out wanted to go to the strip club. I knew they would all be drinking a lot, there would possibly be drugs, and they would be buying him lap dances. None of this bothered me. I have complete trust in my husband and his judgement. Getting a lap dance doesn't mean he's going to cheat on me, and I know that he wouldn't cheat. And if his friends make bad decisions, that doesn't mean that my H's good judgement just goes right out the window. 

    OP, please really ask yourself if you honestly trust your FI. And if the answer is not a resounding YES I TRUST HIM, why are you marrying him? 

    charlotte989875lc07MesmrEwe
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Hi fellow brides to be,

    I'm at a point into the wedding planning process where i'm just unhappy and honestly can't wait for everything to be done and over with. I've been with my fiance for over seven years and I am very excited to marry him however it's just been very difficult along the way. My soon to be mother in law has never been particularly fond of me and has even told me that she will never love me like family, and that it will take her more time to adjust to me (May 2015) so 6 years of being part of her son's life. I've discussed this with my fiance and since he has never witnessed her being rude to me he feels like he doesnt need to say anything even though it really bothers me. I'm the type of person that does not dislike a person unless I have a reason to and i've never given his mother a reason to dislike me...it's just very hard and I feel like i'm trapped in my own mind because I can never talk to my fiance about things, he just gets angry and wants to stop talking about it. Also, I need some advice on how to handle my fiance and his groomsman going to Vegas for his bachelor party. I'm going to Cancun, however his friends are very crazy and all are single and into the play-boy lifestyle so it bothers me that he will be put in specific situations that his friends may think are fun and no big deal but to me they are plain disrespectful to our relationship (strippers, drugs, getting overly drunk...etc). I've talked to my fiance about this too but he just gets mad and says that if I don't trust him we shouldnt be getting married...please HELP!!! I'm at a loss for words and I can't really talk to anyone about this. 
    The bolded is a major red flag that would make me reconsider your relationship.  If you can't talk to him now, you're not going to be able to after you're married either, when you should be able to.

    I'd insist on couples counseling for the two of you before I marry this guy, and if he won't agree to that, then I'd consider counseling for yourself to help you determine whether or not to stay in a relationship with someone who just gets mad at you and refuses to talk to you about serious issues and makes you feel alone and "trapped in your own mind."  
    MesmrEwe
  • The line, "I trust my FI but not his friends" is such bull. His friends can try to gift him lap dances, offer him drinks, offer him drugs, etc... but they can't make him accept any of those things. So either you trust him to draw a line himself or you don't trust him. If you don't trust him you shouldn't marry him.

    It's really scary that he refuses to have conversations with you and just gets mad. That's really poor communication skills on his part and communication is a huge part of marriage. He needs to open up or you need to say goodbye. 

    I was in a pretty long relationship, 3 years, and it was really hard to break it off when I knew that it was wrong but I finally did it and we are both much better people because of it. I know 7 years is even longer and it'll be really hard but sometimes it's for the best. You've given him so much of your life, if he won't defend you against his mother do you want him taking any more of it?
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    artbyallieOliveOilsMom
  • ernursej said:
    OP - PP have provided a lot of great advice. I will mention that this doesn't mean you cannot get married, but there is never anything wrong with postponing until you can both get on the same page. Lots of relationships go through communication issues and with some help, many get back on track. Neither your behaviour/concerns or your FI behaviour/concerns are a deal breaker, but being on the same page is. Marriage is hard work (not that I've been married ... but from what I've been told) and it does require both parties to communicate. 

    I'm really going to hope that this was more of a post in the moment and that these things can get sorted out. 
    I want to echo this, i have postponed my wedding. I was supposed to be getting married this August but now we have both decided to postpone (for many reasons) and I have no idea when the new date will be. point being, its okay to postpone it and work your shit out. Just because we decided we need to work on our issues and postpone a wedding doesn't mean my FI and I don't love each other. I've been with him for 5 years, so I feel you. But please don't feel like you have to go through with this wedding, if in fact you feel like you need to postpone it. I really hope that you guys can figure things out though, good luck OP!

    ernursejscrunchythiefOliveOilsMomshort+sassy
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