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Wedding Woes
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HELP!!! WEDDING BLUES
in Wedding Woes
Hi fellow brides to be,
I'm at a point into the wedding planning process where i'm just unhappy and honestly can't wait for everything to be done and over with. I've been with my fiance for over seven years and I am very excited to marry him however it's just been very difficult along the way. My soon to be mother in law has never been particularly fond of me and has even told me that she will never love me like family, and that it will take her more time to adjust to me (May 2015) so 6 years of being part of her son's life. I've discussed this with my fiance and since he has never witnessed her being rude to me he feels like he doesnt need to say anything even though it really bothers me. I'm the type of person that does not dislike a person unless I have a reason to and i've never given his mother a reason to dislike me...it's just very hard and I feel like i'm trapped in my own mind because I can never talk to my fiance about things, he just gets angry and wants to stop talking about it. Also, I need some advice on how to handle my fiance and his groomsman going to Vegas for his bachelor party. I'm going to Cancun, however his friends are very crazy and all are single and into the play-boy lifestyle so it bothers me that he will be put in specific situations that his friends may think are fun and no big deal but to me they are plain disrespectful to our relationship (strippers, drugs, getting overly drunk...etc). I've talked to my fiance about this too but he just gets mad and says that if I don't trust him we shouldnt be getting married...please HELP!!! I'm at a loss for words and I can't really talk to anyone about this.
I'm at a point into the wedding planning process where i'm just unhappy and honestly can't wait for everything to be done and over with. I've been with my fiance for over seven years and I am very excited to marry him however it's just been very difficult along the way. My soon to be mother in law has never been particularly fond of me and has even told me that she will never love me like family, and that it will take her more time to adjust to me (May 2015) so 6 years of being part of her son's life. I've discussed this with my fiance and since he has never witnessed her being rude to me he feels like he doesnt need to say anything even though it really bothers me. I'm the type of person that does not dislike a person unless I have a reason to and i've never given his mother a reason to dislike me...it's just very hard and I feel like i'm trapped in my own mind because I can never talk to my fiance about things, he just gets angry and wants to stop talking about it. Also, I need some advice on how to handle my fiance and his groomsman going to Vegas for his bachelor party. I'm going to Cancun, however his friends are very crazy and all are single and into the play-boy lifestyle so it bothers me that he will be put in specific situations that his friends may think are fun and no big deal but to me they are plain disrespectful to our relationship (strippers, drugs, getting overly drunk...etc). I've talked to my fiance about this too but he just gets mad and says that if I don't trust him we shouldnt be getting married...please HELP!!! I'm at a loss for words and I can't really talk to anyone about this.
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Re: HELP!!! WEDDING BLUES
Well - not getting married is cheaper than divorce... The issue is do you trust him or not, if the answer is squishy in any way, the answer is no, there's no sugarcoating it. The question is how deep is your line in the sand? Going to a strip club in Vegas - meh - who likes to get teased, the only risk there is his wallet being emptied.. It's another thing if he was going to Reno with a stop at the Bunny Ranch as part of the trip... Now the "Drugs" part you mention - yea, line in the sand, for me that'd be the "NOPE!" unacceptable, if illegal - it's off immediately (you don't need to deal with addictions)...
As for the FMIL - she's not your Mom, you're marrying in to the family (if you choose to go through with it), it IS going to be different from your own family's dynamics. It is what it is. If your FI wants nothing to do with discussing any issues like this now for expectations in the future (i.e. should you choose to have children are they going to only be treated like half-family), he's not going to magically do so after you're married, which is why it might be a good idea to go do a retreat or something for yourself for a weekend (ALONE), or do a "Couple's Encounter" weekend together to work some of these things out and learn the skills for doing so after you're married.
There are a lot of red flags with what you posted, and there are some great knotties on here who have had to make "that call" after being in long-term relationships who can probably guide you better. As for the "ready for the pre-wedding stuff to be over" that part is perfectly normal, the rest, not so much!!!
Communication is everything in a marriage, and you have chosen a man who cannot, or chooses to not communicate with you over important issues. This relationship has no chance of success. You will be miserable. I have seen this happen to several relatives and friends.
You need to cancel your wedding, and move out. Loving him is not enough. He needs to love and respect you, and he is clearly showing, by his refusal to talk about important issues, that he does not.
It will be hard and painful to end a seven year relationship, but you deserve better.
You deserve someone who cares about your feelings.
You deserve someone who is willing to communicate about problems and issues.
You deserve someone who puts you first in his life.
Your FI will not change. If he cannot trust you and talk to you after seven years together, then move on and find someone who will. He has had his chance.
That song "Love is All We Need" is one of the most stupid songs ever written.
Your other concerns are nothing compared to the refusal to talk about difficult issues. Strippers - sheesh. If you ever saw one, you wouldn't worry at all.
Get out of this and find a man who deserves you! Good luck and best wishes.
(2) The fact that he just gets mad makes me mad on your behalf. WTF, dude? You trying to set some boundaries on his behavior with his bros makes him threaten not to get married to you? That is incredibly immature of him, OP, and if I were you, I'd be telling him that maybe he's right, and you two should postpone things until he determines if he is willing to figure out his priorities.
I have no problems with groomsmen wanting to party hardy with the groom and wanting to bro it up at the bachelor party. What I do have a problem with is when the groom or the GMs put the bachelor party ahead of the wedding itself. The reason a groom has GMs is to have his friends stand beside him in support of his marriage, not to make you upset and jeopardize it before it ever begins. Some brides are okay with booze and strip clubs. Some are not. Whatever your future spouse's feelings are on the topic should be respected. I am okay with booze and the guys going to a strip club. I am not okay with drugs or personal strippers. Both my FI and his Best Man know that, and I trust both of them when they say they will not cross those boundaries. If your FH can't respect your wishes now, he is not going to do so just because you put a ring on his finger. You need to make him sit down and talk, or if he won't, then consider putting things on hold until he will.
I'm really going to hope that this was more of a post in the moment and that these things can get sorted out.
If you trust him then there is no problem regarding his batchelor party. His friends might get strippers without his consent but so what? That doesnt automatically mean he has no choice but to bang them. It doesn't sound like you trust him from what you have written. You dont give your trust to someone solely because they haven't given you a reason not to, ya know? There's more to it.
Regarding your FMIL, that sucks but it is outwith your control. You'll drive yourself crazy trying to make her love you. One day things may change or they may not. What is concerning is that your FI won't take your side here. You can assume this will be the way it will go throughout your life if you put up with it now.
Go to councelling by yourself, OP. Work out what you need and think hard on whether you are getting it. It's time to ask some hard questions.
I completely 100% trust my husband. That means I trust him around his single friends, and I trust him around strippers. My husband was 41 on our wedding day, and this is his first (and only
OP, please really ask yourself if you honestly trust your FI. And if the answer is not a resounding YES I TRUST HIM, why are you marrying him?
I'd insist on couples counseling for the two of you before I marry this guy, and if he won't agree to that, then I'd consider counseling for yourself to help you determine whether or not to stay in a relationship with someone who just gets mad at you and refuses to talk to you about serious issues and makes you feel alone and "trapped in your own mind."
It's really scary that he refuses to have conversations with you and just gets mad. That's really poor communication skills on his part and communication is a huge part of marriage. He needs to open up or you need to say goodbye.
I was in a pretty long relationship, 3 years, and it was really hard to break it off when I knew that it was wrong but I finally did it and we are both much better people because of it. I know 7 years is even longer and it'll be really hard but sometimes it's for the best. You've given him so much of your life, if he won't defend you against his mother do you want him taking any more of it?