Wedding Etiquette Forum

Guestlist issue

The day my fiancé and I became engaged, my SIL's mother sarcastically responded "I don't think so" to my mother and I when I asked if she was coming to our wedding. I've held this in for 9 months and never shared it with my brother or my SIL as they would not believe me.

 Fast forward to recently when my SIL texted me and asked if her parents and sibling were invited. I non maliciously explained to her the uncomfortable response I received from her mother and specially said I did not want this to turn into an argument and told her I would not be inviting them (BTW we are having a wedding of under 75 and are paying for it ourselves) as my feelings were hurt with the comment that was made.

She proceeded to verbally attack me on text and said that I had some nerve taking it upon my self to not invite her family as she thought we were "all family" and that I still should've sent an invite, regardless and dismissing her mother's behavior.  I told her I thought we were family until her mother made this comment and that this was our wedding so I have every right to make guest list decisions. She then stated that I shouldn't bother sending her an invite because her and my brother would not be attending because her parents were not invited and I should get a life.

PS..their children were in our wedding...PPS at her wedding I wasn't even allowed to bring a guest because I wasn't "engaged or married " at the time and I respected that decision and still attended.


My fiancé and I still stand by our decision..any thoughts?

Re: Guestlist issue

  • madamerwinmadamerwin member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited March 2016
    Agree with @holyguacamole79 - If you (or your mom) asked her if she was going to attend, that is a verbal invitation. It would be rude not to send an invitation now. 

    If SIL's mom really was being sarcastic (are you sure she wasn't just saying that she probably would not attend?) then in all likelihood, she will decline the official invitation as well.

    -----

    PS..their children were in our wedding...PPS at her wedding I wasn't even allowed to bring a guest because I wasn't "engaged or married " at the time and I respected that decision and still attended.



    -------


    Were you in a relationship at the time of your brother's wedding? If so, your significant other should have been invited by name (Plus One's are only for truly single guests, and they are never required). It was rude of them not to invite your SO, assuming you had one. Regardless, weddings are not tit-for-tat, and their rude behavior does not justify your rude behavior.

    In short: Extend the invite since you already verbally invited SIL's mom, and she will decline if she really was being sarcastic in her earlier response.

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    OliveOilsMomInLoveInQueensjaprincess24
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Verbal invite means you committed to inviting her. You can't take it back now. 

    It was stupid to repeat any of this to SIL. You started that drama for no reason. How on earth do you keep a straight face saying it was "nonmalicious"? 

    How does someone "verbally attack" someone via text? 
    [Deleted User]STARMOON44Roamingnome
  • I do think you should follow up on your invite.  If she said "I don't think so" sarcastically, wouldn't that mean she was wanting to come?  Like, if my best friend asked if I was coming to her wedding and I said that sarcastically, she'd know I was making a joke, because of course I'd be there!  

    Either way, it's both the right thing to do, and what seems to be best "family politics" wise.   It's just two people, so that shouldn't be a budget buster, especially if you initially wanted them there.  If it really is a money issue, see if you can cut or downgrade anything.  Lots of flowers or alcohol won't matter as long term as good family relations.

    And two wrongs don't make a right.  If you had a SO at the time of that wedding, then yes your SIL should've invited them.  But being rude to her parents doesn't fix that.
    japrincess24JeeGooDowster
  • If she doesn't want to come then the good news is that by inviting her you get to be the bigger person and she might not attend. Win, win. Invite her and stop talking to them about your wedding completely. You don't need this drama in your life, so please stop perpetuating it, this isn't high school.
                 
    JediElizabeth
  • Do people often invite their siblings in-laws? This is weird to me (but I'm an only child), and I don't think I've heard of that.

    Anyways, pps have it covered. Be the bigger person and send the SIL's mom. Your SIL will get her invite and probably hear from her mother that she got an invite too. Hopefully they both come and everyone lives happily ever after.

    image
    Roamingnome
  • Do people often invite their siblings in-laws? This is weird to me (but I'm an only child), and I don't think I've heard of that.

    Anyways, pps have it covered. Be the bigger person and send the SIL's mom. Your SIL will get her invite and probably hear from her mother that she got an invite too. Hopefully they both come and everyone lives happily ever after.

    Sometimes.  I think it would depend on how long brother and SIL have been married and if they have any kids.  Reason being, we hang out with FH's brother's in-laws at birthdays and other events for the kids.  We're not super close, but I can see how some people might be.
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    teddygirl9 said:)

    Do people often invite their siblings in-laws? This is weird to me (but I'm an only child), and I don't think I've heard of hat and the that.

    Anyways, pps have it covered. Be the bigger person and send the SIL's mom. Your SIL will get her invite and probably hear from her mother that she got an invite too. Hopefully they both come and everyone lives happily ever after.

     We invited my brother's ILs.  My brother and his wife got married just before we did.   His wife was one of my BMs and her daughter was a flower girl. 
    charlotte989875
  • adk19 said:

    Do people often invite their siblings in-laws? This is weird to me (but I'm an only child), and I don't think I've heard of that.

    Anyways, pps have it covered. Be the bigger person and send the SIL's mom. Your SIL will get her invite and probably hear from her mother that she got an invite too. Hopefully they both come and everyone lives happily ever after.

    Sometimes.  I think it would depend on how long brother and SIL have been married and if they have any kids.  Reason being, we hang out with FH's brother's in-laws at birthdays and other events for the kids.  We're not super close, but I can see how some people might be.
    My BIL invited my parents to his wedding.   I was in their wedding and my parents made the trip to see him tie TK.   In this case my parents and MIL and FIL have grown close so they were also extended as 'friend of parents' invitations.

    Were you in a relationship when your brother tied TK?   That changes whether or not you should have been invited with a guest.

    Regardless, your conversation with SIL's mom was a verbal invitation and you should not have rescinded the invitation.   It also sounds like SIL and her mom may be a little rude (or a lot rude) and you aren't helping your cause.   At all. 
    SP29OliveOilsMom
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I would invite my brother's ILs because I consider them an extension of my family.  They're really nice people and are close to my parents and me, and have been for years.

    That said, OP, if you actually indicated to your SIL's mother that you were going to invite her and her husband, you need to follow through with an invitation to them, regardless of her rudeness. The same goes for your brother and SIL. But as long as you don't, or haven't suggested that any of them should have bigger roles in your wedding, you don't need to do more than that.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited March 2016
    Why the bloody hell would you repeat this to her daughter!? What was your end game other than starting drama? How did you think it was going to end? Even if true, how would you react if she bad mouthed your mum to you?!

    Quit being such a drama llama. You verbally invited them. Follow through and send them an invitation. 
    The SIL asked about it first, and had she not done so, the subject probably would never have come up if the OP didn't mention it for 9 months after the SIL's mother gave her snide response.

    It sounds like the SIL and not the OP is the "drama llama" here.
    fyrchk
  • How do you know what your SIL's mother said?  Were you there?  Did someone repeat it to you?  Why would they do that?

    I need more information about this.  If you are acting on hear say, then you have created all this drama yourself.
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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Jen4948 said:
    Why the bloody hell would you repeat this to her daughter!? What was your end game other than starting drama? How did you think it was going to end? Even if true, how would you react if she bad mouthed your mum to you?!

    Quit being such a drama llama. You verbally invited them. Follow through and send them an invitation. 
    The SIL asked about it first, and had she not done so, the subject probably would never have come up if the OP didn't mention it for 9 months after the SIL's mother gave her snide response.

    It sounds like the SIL and not the OP is the "drama llama" here.
    Even is SIL asked, there was no reason to share what was said.   OP could've just bean dipped and moved on. 
    mollybarker11STARMOON44photokitty
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    No one is owed an invitation to your wedding, so you do not have to invite SIL's parents just because they are "family"- however, you did previously issue a verbal invitation, so you should follow up with a formal invitation.

    I agree you shouldn't have repeated to your SIL what her mother said to you- it is insignificant in the grand scheme and is only going to make SIL defensive (she does sound like she can make up enough of her own drama). If you hadn't already offered the verbal invite, what you should have said was, "We are keeping the wedding small and are unfortunately unable to invite everyone we would like to".

    Let SIL cool off. I would reach out to her and let her know you are sorry you brought up something insignificant and hope that whatever was said can be kept out of your and SIL's relationship. Send invitations to her and your brother and SIL's MIL/SO.
    Roamingnome
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer

    Do people often invite their siblings in-laws? This is weird to me (but I'm an only child), and I don't think I've heard of that.

    Anyways, pps have it covered. Be the bigger person and send the SIL's mom. Your SIL will get her invite and probably hear from her mother that she got an invite too. Hopefully they both come and everyone lives happily ever after.

    I spend almost every holiday with  my sister's ILs.  She's been married to my BIL since I was 7.  I was invited to my BIL's sister's wedding.



  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    CMGragain said:
    How do you know what your SIL's mother said?  Were you there?  Did someone repeat it to you?  Why would they do that?

    I need more information about this.  If you are acting on hear say, then you have created all this drama yourself.
    According to her first sentence both she and her mother were there:
    The day my fiancé and I became engaged, my SIL's mother sarcastically responded "I don't think so" to my mother and I when I asked if she was coming to our wedding.




  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Why didn't you ask the woman right then and there why she said that and why she was sarcastic about it?
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    madamerwin
  • I do think you should follow up on your invite.  If she said "I don't think so" sarcastically, wouldn't that mean she was wanting to come?  Like, if my best friend asked if I was coming to her wedding and I said that sarcastically, she'd know I was making a joke, because of course I'd be there!  

    Either way, it's both the right thing to do, and what seems to be best "family politics" wise.   It's just two people, so that shouldn't be a budget buster, especially if you initially wanted them there.  If it really is a money issue, see if you can cut or downgrade anything.  Lots of flowers or alcohol won't matter as long term as good family relations.

    And two wrongs don't make a right.  If you had a SO at the time of that wedding, then yes your SIL should've invited them.  But being rude to her parents doesn't fix that.
    I agree with the bolded...and if  that's not the case...I would THINK to myself "what a fucking bitch!!!"  And leave it at that...then extend the invite because you verbally said you were  going to invite the your SIL's family.

    Also, are you sure your mom heard the comment right?  Either way, the damage is done.  I say you still need to extend the invite.
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