Celebration of Marriage party
ernursej
member
Apologies if this doesn't seem like the best place to post ... I wasn't quite sure where to post as seemed etiquette related, but could have also posted on other boards. Didn't want to XP either.
My FMIL is upset that her friends (at last count 84 including SOs and +1s) aren't invited to the wedding. My FI and I are paying for everything and having a small wedding (under 60 people total) so this is non-negotiable. She brought up that she would like to host a celebration of the marriage party after our wedding so she could include all of her friends. My FI and I were initially ok that she would like to do this, but my FMIL has come up with a couple of requests: wear our wedding clothes, reenact ceremony, hair and makeup done and host at the same restaurant we are hosting our reception at. This is moving into dangerous territory of having a second wedding (which I'm absolutely against for etiquette reasons). I know we could just decline, but I feel that we can come to some sort of middle ground that would make her feel like her friends are included, but isn't a re-creation of everything wedding related.
I feel like a compromise can be made on wearing wedding clothes (I realize still borderline) but I would say no to hair and makeup, reenacting ceremony (big heck no) and celebrating at our restaurant (easy as can only accommodate 60 max).
Does this sound reasonable or should I push back even further on the wearing of the wedding clothes?
Thanks in advance!
Re: Celebration of Marriage party
I guess I struggle to understand the concept of this post wedding celebration in general terms. There are some weddings to which I was not invited. There were many guests we were not able to invite to DD and/or DS's weddings. In neither case was it ever considered to have a second celebration event after those weddings. Part of me feels as if it is meant to be some sort of consolation prize. Part of me is compelled to say, "So sad, too bad", move forward. For whatever reason, none of which needs to be explained or justified, these guests were not included. They need to get over it.
The idea your FMIL proposes sounds as if she wants to literally recreate the wedding day. Would she ever mislead these guests into thinking this is the actual wedding day? I think the entire idea is odd, bordering on creepy. A casual celebration is one thing; a recreation does not seem appropriate. What is to stop her from surprising you with a tiered cake to cut, or a song to which you dance your first dance.....again?
I would agree to attend a "meet the newlyweds" get together. I don't think it should mimic the wedding in any way.
@MobKaz thanks! No, we would have never invited all these friends as never would have had larger wedding. I agree ... bordering on creepy. We are not cutting cake or dancing at our wedding so I don't think these are wanted, but I would certainly refuse those if they were brought up for discussion. I honestly don't think my FMIL would make the guests think this is the real deal. I think she justs wants these guests to get the experience.
I'm leaning more towards a no on all items requested so that it is much closer to a 'meet the newlyweds' idea. I don't want to recreate the wedding in any way. I was sort of okay wearing the dress (who wouldn't want to wear their dress again?!) but don't want it to give off the idea that we are getting married again. I have many other suitable dresses that would be fine for a cocktail party or dinner party.
I can understand the desire to do a celebration of marriage party if a couple has several guests that they invited to their wedding who were unable to attend. But in this situation, these are not guests you would invite even if you had the money and space.... so why this additional celebration? Why do these guests need the experience? I am sure at some point in their life they have been to some sort of wedding- I am sure they get it.
Absolutely FMIL can host her own party for her own reason anytime she wants, and if you and your FH would like to attend, she can have a party where she introduces her son and his new wife to her friends. But I would very strongly push back that this is not another wedding reception.
It's fine if she wants to host it at a restaurant, if that works better for space (I can't imagine 84 people fitting into most people's homes), but I wouldn't do it at the same restaurant. I would suggest this party be much more of a casual affair- there can be a full dinner and people can still come well dressed but I wouldn't wear your wedding attire or include other trappings of a wedding.
@SP29 totally agree! I've never been upset not to have been included (usually happy not to spend the time and money on gifts/travel/clothing). My FMIL loves celebrating and throwing parties, so while I'm not enthused about the ideas she has come up with, they don't surprise me. My FI says that we should accept the party but can decline the additions as he thinks saying no the entire thing would really upset her. I will counter with the suggestion of a more casual party instead. She has hosted many cocktail parties at her house (and loves to) so that may be an option as well. Her parties typically have ~100 guests so space is not a problem.
**I'm very lucky to be joining my FI's family. They are always very generous and thoughtful with wanting to celebrate and support events/milestones. My FMIL can be interesting, but her heart is always in the right place. I realize that not everyone gets in-laws that they are friendly with ... I know to count my blessings.
I'd feel awkward about re-wearing my wedding dress in large part because it is a more formal dress, and that's just not the type of party we're having at home. If my wedding dress was a bit more casual or was a tea-length dress, I'd consider it.
Nope. They are not invited. We are paying for our wedding, and could not possibly accomodate that many people we barely or don't know. Our compromise is a party similar to Knotie#'s.
I don't understand this concept either. FI is the most wonderful man in the world (IMHO), but he is not so special that everyone who has ever met him, or who is friends with his parents, will be devastated not to witness his wedding. And yet that's how it was framed when we initially started working on a guest list.
If I were your FI I'd have a "come to Jesus" about all of this. A cocktail party to introduce you to her friends should not be turned into Wedding Part Deaux.
@AddieCake, @Downtondiva, @banana468, @JediElizabeth, @climbingwife, @STARMOON44, @Knottie1453305971 Thanks! You are all voicing thoughts that are in my own head.
I think the plan is for FI and I to go and have dinner with her this week to discuss. Since FI negotiates for a living ... our entrance will be saying no, but our acceptance will lie with a small cocktail party containing no elements of the wedding. We'll see how things go!
Likey very few of those 84 friends of your FMIL will care one whit about not being invited to your wedding, so for her to think she needs a party including all of them complete with you guys playing dress up sounds ridiculous to me.
Hosting a celebratory "meet the newlyweds" party is fine, hosting it in the same restaurant you have your reception is eye-roll worthy, dictating your attire / hair / makeup is a hard no, making you reenact your wedding ceremony is a HELL no.
Good luck with the negotiations!
Ohhh whoops!! My bad. I only looked at the avatar! Nope @CMGragain ... I'm the one with issues.
@mollybarker11 - sorry for not giving you credit! My bad. I usually hover over before naming someone.
I promise that I hadn't had any wine before posting ... perhaps that is my problem. No wine!!!
This whole concept really bothers me. A friend of mine wanted (and paid for, and thus got) a small, Southern plantation wedding, with a more casual and vintage chic theme (before the theme went Pinterest-crazy). This was appalling and unacceptable to her in-laws, who are more the traditional, tux-wearing, banquet-hall-reception types. They insisted no one from their side of the family would travel for it and insisted upon throwing a second reception back where most people live. Luckily it wasn't a recreation of a wedding, but the in-laws basically forced this second reception upon them and my friend hated the entire experience.
So. Stand up for what you and your FI believe in!
Cracking up at how you phrased this!
@short+sassy, I've learned the art of thoughtful phrasing! These are actually negotiating terms (according to FI). I'm lousy at the actual practice of negotiating. I hate conflict and would rather just give in and hope the other person is happy. FI got me a sweet deal on my new car. He's a keeper!
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."