Terrible advice

drglitter · March 2016

We went to a group tasting at our reception venue a few days ago. This was the first time we'd seen it set up for an event so we were walking around imagining how it'd be set up for our wedding.

Someone from the venue (either a manager or co-owner, can't remember which) came over to talk to us. I talk with my hands, so he probably thought I was signalling for help. We chit-chatted about how to arrange things and that was the point at which he said:

"If you want it to be more of a party, you don't really need a chair for everyone".

I side-eyed him and told him (probably not as politely as I should have) that we'd be springing for a chair for each of our invited guests. I may have snorted.

Even if I hadn't been binge-reading the Etiquette Forum (thanks, btw) I'd have thought that was a terrible idea because, you know, common sense.

Anybody else get terrible "advice" from their venue or vendors?

mntravelingmama · March 2016

Ugh.

laurad75 · March 2016

The GM at our original venue told me that my best man and maid of honor should be in charge of gathering anything that we want to take home and vases that our table flowers will be in.

No. My guests actually won't be in charge of anything except having a good time.

ScottishSarah · March 2016

YES! I work for a luxury hotel that does fab weddings. I work in opps not sales, and one of my jobs is to conduct the tasting meal, then email sales with the menu and wine choices made. This includes a wine tasting where we offer different wines for a per guest up charge.

One of the sales team often recommends that the top table have a better wine than the guests. Then when they ask for this I can't really say a word about it as the sales team are in charge! It kinda breaks my heart but I can't contradict their advice. Not just the etiquette of it, but we want an upsell for Every Guest. £2-3 per person for 100 guests verse 8 guests. You do the math. Plus it's really uncomfoable for our service staff.

ShesSoCold · March 2016

All the venues we looked at and both we booked had a typed out cash bar option.

My mom and I were dress shopping and waiting for our appointment with another woman. My mom and I were talking about the registry and how I just wanted cash (if anything). This woman tells me that you totally can tell people that you want cash and you can register for gift cards. Also encouraged me to have a "money tree" at the wedding. I smiled and nodded.

JediElizabeth · March 2016

Our coordinator gave us detailed advice on B-listing. She suggests sending out a new invite for every 3-5 declines, just in case people change their minds.

B-listing is both normal and openly admitted to in my circle (no matter what else you can say about them, my friends are open & honest to a fault), so it seemed like helpful advice at the time. Not so much now that I've done my etiquette homework.

[Deleted User] · March 2016

Ug. One venue we were seriously looking at told me this as well. It was really off putting, because we were planning for roughly 100 invites, and as we walked through the venue he told me that they'd set out around 10 chairs, and some standing tables. This was a big place where they could easily have enough seating for everyone and a big dance floor, which was one of the reasons we liked it so much. When I protested he told me that the more chairs they put out, the more people will sit. It was a big hassle to bring him up to 20 chairs. Another venue fought me HARD on not wanting people to have to stand during the ceremony. It wasn't because there wasn't enough space, it was because it would look "funny" to have everyone seated.

photokitty · March 2016

When filing out our song list with the DJ he asked if we were doing the dollar dance. When I said "heck no!", he said "thank God!"

I can't get mad at a vendors give terrible advice or turn a blind eye if they are just accommodating a rude couple, I'm even lenient if it's related to their sale. I mean they have to make a living. As much as it sucks - They're paid to make the client happy, not the guest.

That's why we tell SS your vendor is paid to made you happy, not give you good etiquette advice.

CMGragain · March 2016

Never take etiquette advice from someone who will profit from you if you follow it.

pinupbride6189 · March 2016

When I was talking to my DOC about what the gratuity included in my contract covered so that I knew who would need to be tipped separately, I asked if the bar tender was covered. She said no, that they weren't covered under the contract, but they could put a tip jar out. When I said no, and that we'd prefer to just take care of that ourselves, she was so happy. Apparently she hadn't even been able to talk her daughter out of putting a tip jar on the bar.

I also had someone suggest we do a money tree. I was a downtown market and found these pretty wire trees. I was going to buy it and use it as decor in the wedding, and the lady said that they make great money or 'blessing' trees. I said, "Oh, I don't know about that." But it was mostly a smile and nod moment.

Ghostie625 · March 2016

My cousin posted this on my fb wall yesterday.

http://www.today.com/style/beautiful-budget-15-ways-save-money-your-wedding-t78256

Some of the advice was good, but they lost me at skipping dinner and registering for your vendors.

drglitter · March 2016

ShesSoCold said:

All the venues we looked at and both we booked had a typed out cash bar option.
My mom and I were dress shopping and waiting for our appointment with another woman. My mom and I were talking about the registry and how I just wanted cash (if anything). This woman tells me that you totally can tell people that you want cash and you can register for gift cards. Also encouraged me to have a "money tree" at the wedding. I smiled and nodded.

What's a "money tree"? I'm hoping it's something less tacky than a tree people are expected to hang money on, but I fear I'm probably wrong.

Ghostie625 · March 2016

drglitter said:

ShesSoCold said:

All the venues we looked at and both we booked had a typed out cash bar option.
My mom and I were dress shopping and waiting for our appointment with another woman. My mom and I were talking about the registry and how I just wanted cash (if anything). This woman tells me that you totally can tell people that you want cash and you can register for gift cards. Also encouraged me to have a "money tree" at the wedding. I smiled and nodded.

What's a "money tree"? I'm hoping it's something less tacky than a tree people are expected to hang money on, but I fear I'm probably wrong.

That's exactly what it is.

JediElizabeth · March 2016

Ghostie625 said:

My cousin posted this on my fb wall yesterday.

http://www.today.com/style/beautiful-budget-15-ways-save-money-your-wedding-t78256

Some of the advice was good, but they lost me at skipping dinner and registering for your vendors.

Oh, my. The "Frock swap" stopped me. That sounds like the most awkward kind of ladies party - but I'd really hate to be the seamstress, even if she does get paid for her time & advice!

MobKaz · March 2016

drglitter said:

ShesSoCold said:

All the venues we looked at and both we booked had a typed out cash bar option.
My mom and I were dress shopping and waiting for our appointment with another woman. My mom and I were talking about the registry and how I just wanted cash (if anything). This woman tells me that you totally can tell people that you want cash and you can register for gift cards. Also encouraged me to have a "money tree" at the wedding. I smiled and nodded.

What's a "money tree"? I'm hoping it's something less tacky than a tree people are expected to hang money on, but I fear I'm probably wrong.

I already like you a lot!

whoabethers · March 2016

My FMIL wants us to do a money tree AND a dollar dance, and I'm just like...

Image: https://media.giphy.com/media/CJ1AeyfeeGdOw/giphy.gif

kimmiinthemitten · March 2016

FI's dad was all gung-ho about the Dollar Dance, and we were like "the what? Never heard of it, guess we'll have to google it."

My best friend is an event planner for a catering company, so she is very "it's the brides day, do what you want." But that's her job. At the same time, I know she'd stop me if we had a cash bar, lacked chairs, or became a Bridezilla in any way. She just wants me to put my foot down on florals and linens (and I don't care about them!)

drglitter · March 2016

Ghostie625 said:

drglitter said:

ShesSoCold said:

All the venues we looked at and both we booked had a typed out cash bar option.
My mom and I were dress shopping and waiting for our appointment with another woman. My mom and I were talking about the registry and how I just wanted cash (if anything). This woman tells me that you totally can tell people that you want cash and you can register for gift cards. Also encouraged me to have a "money tree" at the wedding. I smiled and nodded.

What's a "money tree"? I'm hoping it's something less tacky than a tree people are expected to hang money on, but I fear I'm probably wrong.

That's exactly what it is.

Thank you. Gross.

MobKaz said:

drglitter said:

ShesSoCold said:

All the venues we looked at and both we booked had a typed out cash bar option.
My mom and I were dress shopping and waiting for our appointment with another woman. My mom and I were talking about the registry and how I just wanted cash (if anything). This woman tells me that you totally can tell people that you want cash and you can register for gift cards. Also encouraged me to have a "money tree" at the wedding. I smiled and nodded.

What's a "money tree"? I'm hoping it's something less tacky than a tree people are expected to hang money on, but I fear I'm probably wrong.

I already like you a lot!

Thanks!

Also, we sat with two other couples at this tasting. They were all together and with the same wedding. None of them were the bride or groom. At one point the MOB loudly declared that her daughter wasn't "allowed" to invite the significant others of her friends because MOB had friends she "needed" to invite, and she couldn't do that if they invited "every random person they've been dating for, only, like, 6 months". After a couple of hours of that it became clear why the bride and groom opted out. It was a long couple of hours.

[Deleted User] · March 2016

Every time I've spoken to the venue sales manager, she has made a point of saying, "This is YOUR day. You can do whatever you want."

Cool. So we can fill the building with kittens and puppies and drink beer in our pjs? No? Ohhhhh you mean I can be a PRINCESS and demand that everything align with my VISION and forget about prioritizing our guests' comfort? Ok.

(eye roll)

oywiththepoodles · March 2016

So many examples, but a few that come to mind:

-One of the vendors I looked at suggesting that the groomsmen can haul all our ceremony chairs up a massive hill after the ceremony and set them up for the reception. (This was a pretty pricey venue - one that ended up being a bit outside of our price range - so it wasn't even a "DYI" type place... not that that would excuse it).

-Pretty much every prospective venue encouraging us to switch to cash bar after a few hours as a way of keeping costs down or suggesting drink tickets.

-Photographer asking us to have our wedding be unplugged, and to tell our guests to not bring cameras or use camera phones.

Any vendor that tried to suck up with too much "it's your day, do whatever you want!!!!!!" crap became a definite no.... just not my vibe anyways.

kimmiinthemitten · March 2016

oywiththepoodles said:

So many examples, but a few that come to mind:

-One of the vendors I looked at suggesting that the groomsmen can haul all our ceremony chairs up a massive hill after the ceremony and set them up for the reception. (This was a pretty pricey venue - one that ended up being a bit outside of our price range - so it wasn't even a "DYI" type place... not that that would excuse it).

-Pretty much every prospective venue encouraging us to switch to cash bar after a few hours as a way of keeping costs down or suggesting drink tickets.

-Photographer asking us to have our wedding be unplugged, and to tell our guests to not bring cameras or use camera phones.

Any vendor that tried to suck up with too much "it's your day, do whatever you want!!!!!!" crap became a definite no.... just not my vibe anyways.

We asked each photographer about unplugged weddings first. If any of them would have condoned it, they would have been cut immediately. To me, that says "I can't do my job."

MyNameIsNot · March 2016

Our venue tried to convince us to have cash bar so that we could upgrade the meal offerings, and get more bang for our buck. You mean, so that we could upgrade the total bill by having our guests subsidize it? Yeah no.

A lot of the venues that we first visited tried to convince us that it would be fine to leave a gap and start our reception at 6. (We were already locked into a 2:00 mass.)

thisismynickname2 · March 2016

Luckily, none of my vendors pushed bad etiquette on us. We chose a wedding package at our venue that included open bar. DH did want a "special meal" for himself (surf and turf) and the coordinator nodded and said, "You're the groom!" but I talked him out of that myself.

MaggieF1990 · March 2016

I had a venue - that I LOVED and really wanted - tell me the same thing about not having a chair for everyone. After asking on these boards, and asking people I work with (I'm in public relations and so is my mother, so my professional circle has event planning experience), we decided against it. They could seat 180 and figured that would be plenty of chairs for 200-250 with some bistro tables and encouraged people to mingle, so not nearly as bad as the 10 chairs for 100 people, but still. She also told me the whole rule of thumb about only 70-80 percent of your invite list attending, which might be an average, but is definitely not something to count on. I would have been worried sick until our RSVP date that we would've been tight on space. We found a venue that seats 250-300 and I'm so glad we went with that.

Same venue also had an outdoor space for ceremonies and it was a short walk away, but for some reason were suggesting our guests lug their chairs from the outdoor ceremony space to the indoor reception space! It was a short walk, but still a walk.

Not sure if this would be considered bad advice, but when looking at venues that only had one space, when we inquired about flipping the room from ceremony to reception, a few suggested having people seated at the round tables during the ceremony and have the "aisle" between the tables? They made it sound like that was a thing now, but it just seemed really awkward to us. I think my mom said she'd been to one wedding like that and she didn't care for it...I just think I'd be confused if I walked into a wedding and it was set up reception-style.

MJKlover · March 2016

--Photographer suggested we do a staged exit for the photo-op. I declined. It seems like that would be a buzzkill for everyone and just strange.

--Caterer suggested we choose a guest to man the soft drink table. We declined that as well and are paying a third employee of hers to do this.

--Venue offers cash bar option. We choose a host bar but during our most recent meeting, the manager said something about a partially hosted bar. "Say what now"?! We don't know where she got that from but I think I made myself pretty clear.

--Same manager at venue suggested that our guests flip the room from ceremony to reception. "Nope"!

ETA: The first venue manager we worked with (she has since quit) advised us that in all her years of doing this, the attendance rate has always been 50% of the invited guests. This seemed really low to me and now that I have a final count, I can say she is wrong. We invited approximately 160 guests and have exactly 100 planning to attend. This was horrible advice and could have really screwed up our budgeting efforts had we listened to her.

MesmrEwe · March 2016

Several bakers we talked to suggested 8" double-layer cakes on every other table instead of one 6" double-layer to serve all guests at each table... I like the whole table cake thing, but what I don't like is having people climb over me to get a slice of cake... Nor in a room of 400 guests, it was going to be tight already, people climbing over one another for a slice of cake NO WAY!

drglitter · March 2016

MaggieF1990 said:

I had a venue - that I LOVED and really wanted - tell me the same thing about not having a chair for everyone. After asking on these boards, and asking people I work with (I'm in public relations and so is my mother, so my professional circle has event planning experience), we decided against it. They could seat 180 and figured that would be plenty of chairs for 200-250 with some bistro tables and encouraged people to mingle, so not nearly as bad as the 10 chairs for 100 people, but still. She also told me the whole rule of thumb about only 70-80 percent of your invite list attending, which might be an average, but is definitely not something to count on. I would have been worried sick until our RSVP date that we would've been tight on space. We found a venue that seats 250-300 and I'm so glad we went with that.

Same venue also had an outdoor space for ceremonies and it was a short walk away, but for some reason were suggesting our guests lug their chairs from the outdoor ceremony space to the indoor reception space! It was a short walk, but still a walk.

Not sure if this would be considered bad advice, but when looking at venues that only had one space, when we inquired about flipping the room from ceremony to reception, a few suggested having people seated at the round tables during the ceremony and have the "aisle" between the tables? They made it sound like that was a thing now, but it just seemed really awkward to us. I think my mom said she'd been to one wedding like that and she didn't care for it...I just think I'd be confused if I walked into a wedding and it was set up reception-style.

My sister's wedding was like this, and it worked well. I loved how simple it was. It was actually what I thought I wanted until we actually saw the venue and then once I saw the ceremony space and pictured myself walking down that aisle toward that wall of windows, I couldn't unsee it.

oywiththepoodles · March 2016

Not sure if this would be considered bad advice, but when looking at venues that only had one space, when we inquired about flipping the room from ceremony to reception, a few suggested having people seated at the round tables during the ceremony and have the "aisle" between the tables? They made it sound like that was a thing now, but it just seemed really awkward to us. I think my mom said she'd been to one wedding like that and she didn't care for it...I just think I'd be confused if I walked into a wedding and it was set up reception-style.

I've been to a wedding like this too (it was the rain plan, and it did end up being a rainy day). When I was looking for my own venue, it was important for me to find one where the rain location was NOT set up like this (just my own preference), but I don't see any problems with it from a guest perspective, as long as all of the tables have a good view of the wedding ceremony.

And I will say that, as a bridesmaid in that wedding, I loved it because it was a short, stress-free walk (felt a little less "spotlighty" to me), but it did have slightly less of the traditional 'aisle' feel. Didn't make for any less of a fun or memorable wedding / reception though.

photokitty · March 2016

oywiththepoodles said:

Not sure if this would be considered bad advice, but when looking at venues that only had one space, when we inquired about flipping the room from ceremony to reception, a few suggested having people seated at the round tables during the ceremony and have the "aisle" between the tables? They made it sound like that was a thing now, but it just seemed really awkward to us. I think my mom said she'd been to one wedding like that and she didn't care for it...I just think I'd be confused if I walked into a wedding and it was set up reception-style.

I've been to a wedding like this too (it was the rain plan, and it did end up being a rainy day). When I was looking for my own venue, it was important for me to find one where the rain location was NOT set up like this (just my own preference), but I don't see any problems with it from a guest perspective, as long as all of the tables have a good view of the wedding ceremony.

And I will say that, as a bridesmaid in that wedding, I loved it because it was a short, stress-free walk (felt a little less "spotlighty" to me), but it did have slightly less of the traditional 'aisle' feel. Didn't make for any less of a fun or memorable wedding / reception though.

I'd actually call that good advice If the alternative I'd asking your guests to move their own chairs. I've heard of vendors suggesting this when it's a single room setup and they don't have staff to do the room flip.

scrunchythief · March 2016

A&B567 said:

Every time I've spoken to the venue sales manager, she has made a point of saying, "This is YOUR day. You can do whatever you want."

Cool. So we can fill the building with kittens and puppies and drink beer in our pjs? No? Ohhhhh you mean I can be a PRINCESS and demand that everything align with my VISION and forget about prioritizing our guests' comfort? Ok.

(eye roll)

*Stuck in the box*

I would love to go to a party/wedding like that! Yes please!

CaseyBoBasey · March 2016

Not a vendor, but my mom keeps pushing the idea that we have the groomsmen either move all the chairs from the ceremony area to the reception area, or rent extra chairs for the ceremony area and have the groomsmen (or other guests!) pack them up after the ceremony. I'm about ready to take her off of chair-rental duty

Terrible advice

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