Wedding Etiquette Forum

Guest List Struggles

          We picked our venue based upon an agreed 100 person guest list.  Our venue can accommodate about 200 but we agreed on not having a large wedding, nor can we afford it. My fiance and my FMIL worked on their side of the guest list and he came home and told me they had it to 64 people (Down from the 120 it was before)  I thought this was reasonable as I grew up 22 hours away and my family and many old friends still live there so I was able to get my side for family and friends down to 39 people.  When speaking with my FMIL it was 64 groups of people as in anywhere from 2-4 people per the 64 that I was told.  Which will put us at anywhere from 167 to 231 people

              My parents are paying for our reception and my future in laws is paying for the honeymoon and rehearsal.  I am frustrated because the response when I tell them the list needs to be cut is that it's a "destination wedding" so most of these people won't attend because you only get 50% attendance for destination wedding.  It's only 2 1/2 hours away from where the majority of the people they want to invite so not truly a destination wedding. I'm not upset that there are more people invited from his side so please don't think that is the case, but I'm frustrated at the potential of inviting more people than our whole guest list is supposed to be on that side. I don't want to invite more than we can afford because with the budget I have from my parents it is completely unfeasible to invite that many people.  The 100 person list is more about the budget than space and we had agreed to that previously and everyone is aware of it.  Does anyone have any suggestions?  My thoughts were talking with my fiance about it or just giving them a set amount of invitations for a maximum of 2 people per invitations to make the decisions about who to invite.  Any suggestions would be extremely helpful!
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Re: Guest List Struggles

  • Your FI needs to tell his family that your budget for the reception allows for x amount of people. Don't rely on people RSVPing no. People go out of their way to make it to weddings and 2.5 hours away is not "destination." 
  • You and your FI need to sit down and budget.  Stop talking space and what it holds.   Talk #s.

    If you're saying that your parents are paying for the reception is that anything happening in the venue including music and photography?    As an example, if you have 100 people at 100 / head that's $10,000 before you tipped and before flowers and before photography and before they listened to music.   Add another couple thousand dollars in there for the music and photography and you're easily at $15,000.   If you have to rent anything from your venue then the cost goes up for food, tablecloths, flatware, etc.    

    You need to talk about capping things and saying that the discussion is CLOSED.   


  •           We picked our venue based upon an agreed 100 person guest list.  Our venue can accommodate about 200 but we agreed on not having a large wedding, nor can we afford it. My fiance and my FMIL worked on their side of the guest list and he came home and told me they had it to 64 people (Down from the 120 it was before)  I thought this was reasonable as I grew up 22 hours away and my family and many old friends still live there so I was able to get my side for family and friends down to 39 people.  When speaking with my FMIL it was 64 groups of people as in anywhere from 2-4 people per the 64 that I was told.  Which will put us at anywhere from 167 to 231 people

                  My parents are paying for our reception and my future in laws is paying for the honeymoon and rehearsal.  I am frustrated because the response when I tell them the list needs to be cut is that it's a "destination wedding" so most of these people won't attend because you only get 50% attendance for destination wedding.  It's only 2 1/2 hours away from where the majority of the people they want to invite so not truly a destination wedding. I'm not upset that there are more people invited from his side so please don't think that is the case, but I'm frustrated at the potential of inviting more people than our whole guest list is supposed to be on that side. I don't want to invite more than we can afford because with the budget I have from my parents it is completely unfeasible to invite that many people.  The 100 person list is more about the budget than space and we had agreed to that previously and everyone is aware of it.  Does anyone have any suggestions?  My thoughts were talking with my fiance about it or just giving them a set amount of invitations for a maximum of 2 people per invitations to make the decisions about who to invite.  Any suggestions would be extremely helpful!
    Jic
  • PP nailed it - first and foremost, you and FI MUST be on the same page about this.  You need to approach this as a united front together.  Sit down and talk this over with your FI first and make sure you both agree and understand.  He needs to explain to his parents that the guest list maximum is 100 people, period, end of discussion.  Your FILs do not get to decide how your parents spend their money.

    There is no "rule" that states that 50% of invited guests will decline if it's a destination wedding... anyone you ask could give you a different percentage - it's all made up.  Every situation is different.  You could easily have close to 100% acceptance, and that's not a risk you should take.  2.5 hours, to me at least, is not a destination wedding.  The ladies on these boards will tell you to always, always plan for 100% attendance, which means you should not invite more than you can afford.


  • I would get the numbers together and show FI exactly what it will cost per person, add in things like catering, bar, centerpieces, chair rental, everything.  Then when he is looking at an actual # maybe he will see what doubling the guests will cost, he can share this info with FMIL and cut their list.  Don't spend more than you can afford, and never plan for people not to show up, what if they did and they have no chairs or food?
  • Never, ever, "plan for declines or no-shows."  It doesn't work and it's incredibly rude to those who are expected not to show up and actually do. 

    I think you need to tell his FI, who needs to tell his parents, "If we send an invitation to someone, that means we are telling them we would like them to come - the invitation is not a 'keepsake' or a mere courtesy.  That means that we actually have to plan for the possibility that 100% of the guests invited will accept the invitation and actually attend, regardless of how remote that possibility actually is.  That means we cannot invite "64 groups (whatever that means) of people from your side, but only 64 actual flesh-and-blood persons.  Either you can pick them or we will, but if we have to do it, that means that nobody else will be invited from our side and you will have to deal with that."
  • SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    OP- You are smart to stick to your budget and be worried about over-inviting. You are right- don't do it!

    First, you and your FI have to get on the same page. "This is how much my parents are contributing, which works out to X guests total". Then have FI deal with his family. You can be there with him, but he should be the one doing the talking, and presenting everything as "WE".

    FI should tell his mom, "We can invite 61 guests (guests, not groups) from our side. Please provide us with a list of names of who you would like to see invited by Y date". It is then up to you and your FI to invite who you would like to see invited.

    I would NOT just give your MIL a handful of invitations and let her hand them out. You need to know how many people exactly are coming (64 invitations does not work out to 64 people) and you and your FI should be deciding who you want there. This is your (you and FI) guest list, not MIL's guest list. For example, on an invitation MIL invites a family of 5. You also need to make sure invitations are being addressed correctly. For example, MIL invites a bunch of guests without SOs in order to invite other people- not cool.
  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited March 2016

    You and FI need to be on the same page, no "B" lists, but you ARE going to have a <poop> show if you invite over your 100 guest capacity.  It's just reality. 

    We had one wedding in the (DH's side) family that they sent out invitations only to realize once the RSVP's came back that there was ZERO way they could accommodate everyone in their hall for 150 (they had over 250 RSVP's before they started calling to uninvite people) so started calling all of the groom's guest list to uninvite everyone because the bride's family was paying for the reception.  It was a "WTF - REALLY!"

    It's not about who's paying, it's about being on the same page for the wedding you can afford.  If the IL's don't like the strings, that's o.k., you can host a RD on a tight budget as well as a nice HM without breaking the bank.  You have two choices, you can either accommodate the 200 guests in your hall that holds 200 for a "Cake & Punch" reception over a non-meal time, or you can stick to your 100 person budget and host everyone properly.  If you choose to stick to your 100 person cap, you and FI give FMIL one more chance for input, then cut the list yourselves (usually in circles works best).  2.5 hours isn't a DW, it's a "Destination at home" - it's close enough that people don't need to get a hotel and can leave after dinner for a good night's sleep. 



  • This is a total sidenote rant. My big problem with this "traditional" financial arrangement is the sheer entitlement on the side of the groom's family. You are being allowed to invite people to a wedding and you invite "64 groups" aka over 200 people on someone else's dime. In this day and age, where women are independent and definitely not property, what right does a groom's family have to insist all these people be hosted? If a bride's family is exclusively paying and generously hosting the groom's guests, then they really should be the groom's guests. People (friends and family) the groom likes, enjoys seeing, and wants to share his day with. Not distant blood relations he never sees or dislikes, his parents' neighbors, people who are "owed" an invitation.
    I've seen this happen to two people- my best friend and my sister. For my best friend, the groom's parents were contributing a little money with a wildly disproportionate guest list demand; her parents paid more but she and her husband footed a big chunk of the bill themselves. My sister's in-laws were contributing nothing. My best friend dealt with an over-attended wedding as a consequence, but my sister and her husband scrapped the huge wedding and stupid demands and hosted only immediate family on their own dime. 

    I just think if you want to invite "your" people to a wedding, you should pay for them, in this day and age. End rant. 
    Yep. I made DH narrow MIL's guest list to the people HE actually wanted to see. Because ILs didn't offer any money, and we and my parents were paying for it. She still wanted some to be sent to some friends "so they could see the invitation." No. That's not how that works.
  • That is an outrageous demand, and 2.5 hour drive does not equal a destination wedding.  Destination weddings have lower turnout because of the associated time and money cost, so if people can reasonably drive there and back in one day then you have no reason to assume you'll get a lower turnout.  Your FILs don't necessarily have to agree with you on this, they just need to realize that they have no say in the matter because it's not their money being spent.

    Like PPs have said, you and your FI need to get on the same page.  Next I would sit down with him think and work together on who the must-haves are on his side -- his closest friends, immediate family, etc.  Deduct that number from 64 (make sure you've accounted for all SOs), and have your FI give his parents that number of invites.  They may invite whomever they want provided they a) include all SOs b) don't split up families and c) don't exceed the number of invitees they've been (generously) given.

    No more "groups."  Wedding venues do not do prices per groups of people, they do prices per person.  To me this group business was a communication fiasco at best and cheap manipulation trick at worst.

    Good luck, OP!  Our guest list was one of the more tedious processes, and my parents only had one request (a family of 3) and we didn't take any guest list input from FI's side.  Can't imagine what it would have been like to deal with outspoken FILs.
  • Spoonsey said:


    No more "groups."  Wedding venues do not do prices per groups of people, they do prices per person.  To me this group business was a communication fiasco at best and cheap manipulation trick at worst.

    Seriously.... who counts in groups?  I can tell you how many guests we had... I have no idea how many "groups" that was.  Sounds like MIL was like, "Yes, 64" just to be agreeable.  And thought somehow she could just get away with quadruple the amount???

    SaveSave
  • I don't know how this is going to be interpreted, but I can't believe that your FILs are actually "getting" 64 people out of a 100 person guest list that they aren't paying for!  That is so obnoxious to me. 
  • SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I see nothing wrong with gifting someone a honeymoon. Why not? Some people have a favourite vacation location, or they own a home/condo/cabin/whatever somewhere. Or, they are generous with gifts. It is not anyone elses business how the ILs spend their money.

    I do agree that gifting a honeymoon does not entitle the ILs to request a large number of guests, particularly when it is pushing the B&G over budget.

    OP- When it came to our parents, we asked each of them (both our parents are divorced) who they would like to see invited. But we did not promise that we would necessarily invite all of them. MIL had a larger number, so we asked her for a list with addresses. My parents only wanted one person/one couple invited each, so that was easy. FIL asked for 3 couples, we invited 2 of them. MIL had a list of 7 couples, I think we invited 3 or 4 of them.
  • Shouldn't the guest list be you and your fiance's? Who do YOU both want to invite to your wedding?! It sounds like your parents picked 39 people (including themselves, right?), and he parents are picking 64 people (including themselves, right?)--so then there's yourselves and you're up to 105 people. You have no friends coming? No say in which relatives or friends of the family are on the lists or not?

    Why don't you sit down with your fiance and decide on 98 other people, aside from yourselves, that you want at your wedding. Since your parents are paying, they get a say. But it's totally optional if you even want to share the guest list with anyone else, including FMIL!
  • MandyMost said:
    Shouldn't the guest list be you and your fiance's? Who do YOU both want to invite to your wedding?! It sounds like your parents picked 39 people (including themselves, right?), and he parents are picking 64 people (including themselves, right?)--so then there's yourselves and you're up to 105 people. You have no friends coming? No say in which relatives or friends of the family are on the lists or not?

    Why don't you sit down with your fiance and decide on 98 other people, aside from yourselves, that you want at your wedding. Since your parents are paying, they get a say. But it's totally optional if you even want to share the guest list with anyone else, including FMIL!
    Since the OP's parents are paying, they get a say.  The OP and her FI cannot invite 98 other people of their own choice and not her parents' unless they pay for the reception in its entirety.
  • Jen4948 said:
    MandyMost said:
    Shouldn't the guest list be you and your fiance's? Who do YOU both want to invite to your wedding?! It sounds like your parents picked 39 people (including themselves, right?), and he parents are picking 64 people (including themselves, right?)--so then there's yourselves and you're up to 105 people. You have no friends coming? No say in which relatives or friends of the family are on the lists or not?

    Why don't you sit down with your fiance and decide on 98 other people, aside from yourselves, that you want at your wedding. Since your parents are paying, they get a say. But it's totally optional if you even want to share the guest list with anyone else, including FMIL!
    Since the OP's parents are paying, they get a say.  The OP and her FI cannot invite 98 other people of their own choice and not her parents' unless they pay for the reception in its entirety.
    As a former MOB and future MOG, I also think it is nice to allow parents a couple of friend invites even if they aren't paying. We paid for DD's wedding but would have been heart broken if we couldn't have invited best friends of 30+ years.
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