Guest List Struggles

ILoveBeachMusic · March 2016

thisismynickname said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

Jen4948 said:

MandyMost said:

Shouldn't the guest list be you and your fiance's? Who do YOU both want to invite to your wedding?! It sounds like your parents picked 39 people (including themselves, right?), and he parents are picking 64 people (including themselves, right?)--so then there's yourselves and you're up to 105 people. You have no friends coming? No say in which relatives or friends of the family are on the lists or not?

Why don't you sit down with your fiance and decide on 98 other people, aside from yourselves, that you want at your wedding. Since your parents are paying, they get a say. But it's totally optional if you even want to share the guest list with anyone else, including FMIL!

Since the OP's parents are paying, they get a say. The OP and her FI cannot invite 98 other people of their own choice and not her parents' unless they pay for the reception in its entirety.

As a former MOB and future MOG, I also think it is nice to allow parents a couple of friend invites even if they aren't paying. We paid for DD's wedding but would have been heart broken if we couldn't have invited best friends of 30+ years.

A reasonable person would respect that you guys (general you who are MOG/MOB) have "best friends" and presumably your kid knows those best friends well enough to welcome them at the wedding. I take issue with inviting people who have never met your kid, like coworkers; or neighbors that haven't spoken to the kid since the nest emptied 10 years ago, know what I mean? Assuming parents' best friends have had some kind of involvement in the marrying-person's life, then yes it's great to have them included. In fact, in lieu of any extended family in this country, my parents' best friends are like surrogate aunts/uncles to me- and two sets came to my wedding.

I agree about the people that don't know the bride or groom at all, but the thought of not having spoken to them since they left home is a bit strict. I'm not sure if my DD had spoken to our neighbors across the street since she left home, but she was thrilled to have them at her wedding. Their daughter and DD were friends through MS and HS so we did the car pool thing together. It is a case by case decision I think.

edited for spelling!

pinupbride6189 · March 2016

ILoveBeachMusic said:

thisismynickname said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

Jen4948 said:

MandyMost said:

Shouldn't the guest list be you and your fiance's? Who do YOU both want to invite to your wedding?! It sounds like your parents picked 39 people (including themselves, right?), and he parents are picking 64 people (including themselves, right?)--so then there's yourselves and you're up to 105 people. You have no friends coming? No say in which relatives or friends of the family are on the lists or not?

Why don't you sit down with your fiance and decide on 98 other people, aside from yourselves, that you want at your wedding. Since your parents are paying, they get a say. But it's totally optional if you even want to share the guest list with anyone else, including FMIL!

Since the OP's parents are paying, they get a say. The OP and her FI cannot invite 98 other people of their own choice and not her parents' unless they pay for the reception in its entirety.

As a former MOB and future MOG, I also think it is nice to allow parents a couple of friend invites even if they aren't paying. We paid for DD's wedding but would have been heart broken if we couldn't have invited best friends of 30+ years.

A reasonable person would respect that you guys (general you who are MOG/MOB) have "best friends" and presumably your kid knows those best friends well enough to welcome them at the wedding. I take issue with inviting people who have never met your kid, like coworkers; or neighbors that haven't spoken to the kid since the nest emptied 10 years ago, know what I mean? Assuming parents' best friends have had some kind of involvement in the marrying-person's life, then yes it's great to have them included. In fact, in lieu of any extended family in this country, my parents' best friends are like surrogate aunts/uncles to me- and two sets came to my wedding.

I agree about the people that don't know the bride or groom at all, but the thought of not having spoken to them since they left home is a bit strict. I'm not sure if my DD had spoken to our neighbors across the street since she left home, but she was thrilled to have them at our wedding. Their daughter and DD were friends through MS and HS so we did the car pool thing together. It is a case by case decision I think.

I agree that it's a case by case decision, but I know what nickname means. FMIL was (and might still be) upset that we aren't inviting extended family and old friends that FI barely remembers. I think that situation is more what she meant. On the flip side of that though, we did end up inviting some of FMIL's friends whose son FI went through school with, and FI decided that he really would like them there. He rarely spoke to them after leaving home, but they were good friends and remain good friends with his parents.

madamerwin · March 2016

ILoveBeachMusic said:
As a former MOB and future MOG, I also think it is nice to allow parents a couple of friend invites even if they aren't paying. We paid for DD's wedding but would have been heart broken if we couldn't have invited best friends of 30+ years.

I totally agree, but under no circumstances is it appropriate for people who are not paying to demand 68 "groups" (whatever that means) of people be invited. Seems pretty presumptuous.

For the record, we asked all of our parents if they had friends they wanted to invite, and since MIL gave us a large chunk of money for the wedding, she was allowed to invite as many people as she wanted (within reason, of course). In the end, she only asked us to invite six additional guests, and none of our other parents had any requests at all.

VTsuninSc · March 2016

So I just wanted to update when we were over there we sat down and went through everything. FMIL is not unreasonable truly. I think there are some differences of opinion but in short the guest list is down to a manageable size within what we had originally intended. It was not an easy conversation but I think we are on a better place. I think that the largest misconception is difference of opinion on inviting based on who won't come versus inviting based on the actual count you are looking at as the list. I want to thank you all for making feel slightly better that I wasn't insane, but I don't want to make the mistakes you read so many people make and I know this is one area where it seems that mistakes are made all too often!

SP29 · March 2016

Glad it worked out for you OP!

Change your username to something a little more unique so we can recognize you and stick around! Lots of good advice and good people to chat with.

flantastic · March 2016

ILoveBeachMusic said:

thisismynickname said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

Jen4948 said:

MandyMost said:

Shouldn't the guest list be you and your fiance's? Who do YOU both want to invite to your wedding?! It sounds like your parents picked 39 people (including themselves, right?), and he parents are picking 64 people (including themselves, right?)--so then there's yourselves and you're up to 105 people. You have no friends coming? No say in which relatives or friends of the family are on the lists or not?

Why don't you sit down with your fiance and decide on 98 other people, aside from yourselves, that you want at your wedding. Since your parents are paying, they get a say. But it's totally optional if you even want to share the guest list with anyone else, including FMIL!

Since the OP's parents are paying, they get a say. The OP and her FI cannot invite 98 other people of their own choice and not her parents' unless they pay for the reception in its entirety.

As a former MOB and future MOG, I also think it is nice to allow parents a couple of friend invites even if they aren't paying. We paid for DD's wedding but would have been heart broken if we couldn't have invited best friends of 30+ years.

A reasonable person would respect that you guys (general you who are MOG/MOB) have "best friends" and presumably your kid knows those best friends well enough to welcome them at the wedding. I take issue with inviting people who have never met your kid, like coworkers; or neighbors that haven't spoken to the kid since the nest emptied 10 years ago, know what I mean? Assuming parents' best friends have had some kind of involvement in the marrying-person's life, then yes it's great to have them included. In fact, in lieu of any extended family in this country, my parents' best friends are like surrogate aunts/uncles to me- and two sets came to my wedding.

I agree about the people that don't know the bride or groom at all, but the thought of not having spoken to them since they left home is a bit strict. I'm not sure if my DD had spoken to our neighbors across the street since she left home, but she was thrilled to have them at her wedding. Their daughter and DD were friends through MS and HS so we did the car pool thing together. It is a case by case decision I think.

edited for spelling!

And that is why DH made the final decision on his parents' guest list. We did invite many of his parents' friends, because he knew them and cared to have them there. If he would be truly "thrilled" to have someone there, however long since they spoke, he'll keep them on the list. If he doesn't care to have them, the parents probably need to get over it rather than insist that the invite is necessary. It's the presumption on the part of non-paying parents that's the issue.

scrunchythief · March 2016

I'm so glad that worked out! A small suggestion, maybe you could send nice marriage announcements after the wedding to the rest of the list your FMIL wanted to invite. Totally not necessary, but it might help her feel like she's including the people she thought couldn't make it.

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