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sprinkles02 · April 2016

Deleted post

Viczaesar · April 2016

sprinkles02 said:

So we're still about 6 months out for our wedding, and thus far I've been really chill about most of the decisions because I really just want to enjoy the process and the day. But I'm feeling really frustrated right now, and thought I'd seek some advice.

We're doing long farm tables at our reception and the reception space is a little wonky so the set-up has to be kinda specific for the layout to flow well. We're planning on doing a head table because I'm not a huge fan of the sweetheart table and I want to be surrounded by our small wedding party, who are our siblings and closest friends. The whole wedding is about 100 people- 65 are my large Italian family and the other 35 are my fiancé's family and our closest friends. It's going to be a small, family-oriented gathering where pretty much everyone knows each other. We're eating family style, which I'm so excited about!

My fiancé got a call from the best man today saying that his SO is uncomfortable with sitting at the table with all the other SOs and some of our other friends, which is what we have planned right now. While I do completely understand where she's coming from, I'm a bit annoyed with my fiancé because he basically said we'd sit her with us without talking to me first, so I feel a little stuck...

I have the unpopular opinion on this matter, but I'd really rather not have all the dates sitting at our table, for a couple of reasons. Firstly, adding all 7 of the dates means that we have to add two more farm tables to our current set-up, making it like 40' long which seems insane and also wont fit in the space. There really isn't a good way to sit on both sides with the way the venue is so we'd have to try and make it super long. I'm also not comfortable with essentially bumping all the other members of the wedding party further and further down the table away from us as we add in dates.

I also think that there's a big misunderstanding about how all of this works, and worry that the best man's girlfriend is going to try and be around while everyone is getting ready before the ceremony and at photos during cocktail hour, none of which she's supposed to be at because she's not in the wedding party. She and my fiancé have a tendency to get at each other's throats almost every time we hang out, and I'd like to avoid that kind of stress for him on our wedding day (even though he's not guilt-free when it happens so I'm not blaming her, but I just want to avoid it altogether).

Again, I know this is an unpopular opinion from what I've seen on other threads about head tables, but I really feel like having the 7 SOs sit together at a table during dinner (that's the ONLY time they have to sit there, just an hour!) isn't that big of a deal. I've been to weddings where I sat separate from my date, and it was really not that bad since it was only for a short time. They're all in the same age bracket, and they've all met at least one other person at that table several times anyway so no one is a complete stranger... Thoughts?

It's rude to separate your guests from their Significant Others. Period, full stop. Do not split up your wedding party from their dates. If that means you have a King table instead of a head table, fine. If that means that you have more than one head tables, fine. If that means that you only seat some of your wedding party and their dates at the head table and have the rest at tables they would be sitting at if they weren't in your wedding, fine. Splitting them up is unacceptable, not an unpopular opinion. It is a big deal.

Viczaesar · April 2016

Also, traditional head tables are super awkward and frankly dumb. Find a way to seat people on both sides of the table. What kind of fun conversations do you think you're going to have when you can only talk to the people on the immediate right and left of you? Once they're further away than that you won't be able to converse with them anyway, so why does it matter how far away from you the rest of the wedding party is?

oywiththepoodles · April 2016

Your wedding sounds like a lot of fun - great size!

Is there a reason you are opposed to a sweetheart table? This would allow your BP members to actually sit with their dates, and I promise you will still get to see plenty of them throughout the day.

This is one of those areas I feel pretty strongly about - head tables without dates are rude.

Everyone else who comes to your wedding gets to sit with their SO, but your absolutely closest friends & family don't? Yes, it may be "better" for your pictures (I guess?), your vision, whatever if it's just your BP, no significant others. But it's making a decision that puts your vision over the comfort of your guests, when the whole point of the reception is to thank & honor them.

I have been to weddings where I sat separate from my date too. I didn't complain to the bride and no, I didn't die, but would I have been happier / more comfortable sitting with my SO? Yes.

I wouldn't worry about pushing your BP members "farther down the table." They are still at the table. People will still understand that they are BP. Or if it is truly, physically not possible to do this within your venue, it sounds like a sweetheart table may be your remaining option.

STARMOON44 · April 2016

Who cares? Your opinion is rude. Get over yourself, put on your thinking cap, and figure out a way to make the tables work.

downtondiva · April 2016

Just because you were okay with being seated away from your FI at a wedding doesn't make it acceptable. If a couple attends a wedding, they get to eat together. It's just the polite thing to do.

Find a way to make this work so that your wedding party and their SO's can all sit together. If having a 40' head table doesn't work, do a king's table or have a sweetheart table and then your wedding party and SO's elsewhere. And by the way, your FI and the best man's girlfriend should act like adults. That's a ridiculous excuse not to have the wedding party sit with their dates.

floridabride44 · April 2016

sprinkles02 said:

So we're still about 6 months out for our wedding, and thus far I've been really chill about most of the decisions because I really just want to enjoy the process and the day. But I'm feeling really frustrated right now, and thought I'd seek some advice.

We're doing long farm tables at our reception and the reception space is a little wonky so the set-up has to be kinda specific for the layout to flow well. We're planning on doing a head table because I'm not a huge fan of the sweetheart table and I want to be surrounded by our small wedding party, who are our siblings and closest friends. The whole wedding is about 100 people- 65 are my large Italian family and the other 35 are my fiancé's family and our closest friends. It's going to be a small, family-oriented gathering where pretty much everyone knows each other. We're eating family style, which I'm so excited about!

My fiancé got a call from the best man today saying that his SO is uncomfortable with sitting at the table with all the other SOs and some of our other friends, which is what we have planned right now. While I do completely understand where she's coming from, I'm a bit annoyed with my fiancé because he basically said we'd sit her with us without talking to me first, so I feel a little stuck...

I have the unpopular opinion on this matter, but I'd really rather not have all the dates sitting at our table, for a couple of reasons. Firstly, adding all 7 of the dates means that we have to add two more farm tables to our current set-up, making it like 40' long which seems insane and also wont fit in the space. There really isn't a good way to sit on both sides with the way the venue is so we'd have to try and make it super long. I'm also not comfortable with essentially bumping all the other members of the wedding party further and further down the table away from us as we add in dates.

I also think that there's a big misunderstanding about how all of this works, and worry that the best man's girlfriend is going to try and be around while everyone is getting ready before the ceremony and at photos during cocktail hour, none of which she's supposed to be at because she's not in the wedding party. She and my fiancé have a tendency to get at each other's throats almost every time we hang out, and I'd like to avoid that kind of stress for him on our wedding day (even though he's not guilt-free when it happens so I'm not blaming her, but I just want to avoid it altogether).

Again, I know this is an unpopular opinion from what I've seen on other threads about head tables, but I really feel like having the 7 SOs sit together at a table during dinner (that's the ONLY time they have to sit there, just an hour!) isn't that big of a deal. I've been to weddings where I sat separate from my date, and it was really not that bad since it was only for a short time. They're all in the same age bracket, and they've all met at least one other person at that table several times anyway so no one is a complete stranger... Thoughts?

Not allowing WP's SO's to be around is only "how all of this works" when there's a bridezilla who wants to separate their nearest & dearest from their SO's for as long as humanly possible.

There's no rule that says SO's can't be around while the WP is getting ready. It would be the kind thing to do to allow the SO's to hang around during getting-ready time instead of forcing them to presumably spend the entire morning alone, then spend the ceremony alone (because their SO's will be standing up in the wedding), then spend pictures/cocktail hour alone, THEN spend dinner sitting at a table with random people?

Seating wedding party members away from their SO's is extremely rude and unacceptable. Respect people's relationships. You said it yourself - you've sat apart from your date and it was "not that bad." Do you want your nearest and dearest to look back on your wedding and think "It was not that bad" or do you want them to think that it was a wonderful time and they were hosted well and their relationship was respected? THIS SHOULD BE AN EASY DECISION.

oywiththepoodles · April 2016

Aaaaaand.... deleted post.

Viczaesar · April 2016

Hey @sprinkles02 , deleting your post is both rude to those of us who took the time to read it and give you advice and pointless since several of us quoted you. But the real kicker is that you're actually going to get significantly more attention because you changed the name to something that makes it clear you're having a hissy.

kimmiinthemitten · April 2016

OP, you contradict yourself in your post. You argue that the SO should accept the seating arrangement because it's only for dinner, and then complain that she's probably going to hover when everyone's getting ready and taking photos. So even you are aware that you are asking the SO's of your WP to spend a considerable amount of time apart because of your vision. This is so disrespectful to their relationships while asking them to celebrate and support yours.

Not only does your idea suck, but so does your justification.

spockforprez · April 2016

Time to turn "QFT - Quoted For Truth" backwards into our new acronym...

"TFQ - Thanks For Quoting"

So, TFQ, @floridabride44 and @Viczaesar

levioosa · April 2016

Came for the DD.

OP, you are being super rude. I think you should sit away from your FH at the wedding. Oh, you don't like that idea? Exactly.

ScottishSarah · April 2016

Also came for the DD. Our tables at the venue only fit a max of 10, so we have B&G, BM + FI and 3xBridesmaids + partners. Groomsmen and parents are at separate tables. Who cares if the whole WP is not at the same table?

ILoveBeachMusic · April 2016

OP could also seat BP with SO while she and groom sit with the parents. That would solve the problem of the long table while allowing everyone to sit with their SO. I can understand not having SO around while getting ready, but no big deal if they are around for pictures. My DS's girlfriend (now fiance) rode in the bus for the bridal party at DD's wedding. She did not get ready with the girls though. She really isn't super close with DD (just haven't been together a lot) and knew none of the bridesmaids.

kvruns · April 2016

Also came for the DD. wtf on saying the SOs can't be around their wedding party member SO? Especially if the SO doesn't know a lot of people. At our wedding one of the GMs gf was sitting in the guy's room drinking/snacking with them since her husband was in there and she didn't know anyone. No way in hell would I have said sorry this area is WP only, stay away. They drove up from 1.5-2 hours away so it isn't like they would have traveled separately.

I was in a WP couple years ago and H (then FI at the time) drove separate but still was there about 45 min early to see me and he sat and hung out with us girls in the area because it made no sense for him to sit elsewhere alone. Now they did separate dates at the head table which was annoying but fortunately he didn't mind too much.

msuprincess04 · April 2016

We sat at a table with BM and MOH and their spouses. Everyone else sat with friends at different tables. We had two empty chairs at our table for anyone who wanted to come and chat during dinner. It worked out great.

thisismynickname2 · April 2016

Came for the DD, TFQ!

We didn't do any kind of head or king table. We sat with our parents, my sister (MOH) and BIL, and the one aunt/uncle set who traveled from outside the country. My other two bridesmaids were seated at different tables with their crowds of friends, and DH's attendants were seated at another table with their crowd of friends.

Plenty of options. You spend a ton of time with your bridal party on the wedding day; the meal doesn't need to be exclusive too.

ETA: P.S. because no one else said it yet... RAGRATS

flantastic · April 2016

What you are planning just happened to me in November. Farm tables and all. DH and my 10 week old baby were at a different table. It was the worst, and was super rude, and on top of that the bride only got to converse with the MOH, the groom, me, and two of our other friends... i.e. those of us next to her and across the table.

It's just a way to be possessive of your bridal party and make them not have any fun while saying things like "We want to spend time with you." You've spent time with them. All day. Give it up.

banana468 · April 2016

flantastic said:

What you are planning just happened to me in November. Farm tables and all. DH and my 10 week old baby were at a different table. It was the worst, and was super rude, and on top of that the bride only got to converse with the MOH, the groom, me, and two of our other friends... i.e. those of us next to her and across the table.

It's just a way to be possessive of your bridal party and make them not have any fun while saying things like "We want to spend time with you." You've spent time with them. All day. Give it up.

All of this. Of all the control-freak things I cannot understand the logic of pulling your nearest and dearest away from THEIR nearest and dearest on the day that you've pledged your unending love to someone else.

As others have said, it's not "just for dinner" and if it was, are you cool if your WP eats really fast and runs away from you to spend time with their actual partners?

I cannot fathom why it's a problem for brides and grooms to create a seating arrangement that has their guests seated with their SOs/dates instead of some stupid color-coordinated vision.

thisismynickname2 · April 2016

flantastic said:

It's just a way to be possessive of your bridal party and make them not have any fun while saying things like "We want to spend time with you." You've spent time with them. All day. Give it up.

This is SO true. The last wedding for which I was a BM had a head table without SOs. Because the bride and groom were doing table visits for over 150 guests, none of us actually spoke to them during dinner. Pretty much all of us just scarfed each course and then loitered at the tables where our SOs were sitting.

I feel like head tables are just a way to put the VIPs on display. Totally unnecessary.

[Deleted User] · April 2016

thisismynickname said:

flantastic said:

It's just a way to be possessive of your bridal party and make them not have any fun while saying things like "We want to spend time with you." You've spent time with them. All day. Give it up.

This is SO true. The last wedding for which I was a BM had a head table without SOs. Because the bride and groom were doing table visits for over 150 guests, none of us actually spoke to them during dinner. Pretty much all of us just scarfed each course and then loitered at the tables where our SOs were sitting.

I feel like head tables are just a way to put the VIPs on display. Totally unnecessary.

And it's gross. Who wants to be on display while they're eating? No really, I hope the photographer gets a really good picture of the bridal party putting forkfuls of chicken in their mouths. Because at least it's color coordinated.

bleve0821 · April 2016

I don't understand why anyone would think it's "ok" to separate individuals from their SOs, for any reason. If you're going to do that, why even invite them as a unit? Or at all? Why does your "relationship" to Friend matter more than theirs?

It's disrespectful to both parties, but I get the sense that OP plans to go ahead and do it anyway, or this wouldn't be a DD. If OP really understood where the BM's GF was coming from, this thread wouldn't even exist.

lembaslover · April 2016

Yea I'm not going to a wedding where I don't get to sit with DH for dinner and if I'm not going DH is going to decline as well. It's rude and why should I attend a celebration of your relationship when you can't respect mine?

If I didn't know we weren't seated together until dinner time we'd leave and have a nice dinner somewhere together.

ETA that sounds like I'm controlling and I didn't mean for it to sound that way. I just know that DH would choose to decline if I wasn't going. He hates going to events and only goes because he knows I like them. Without me going he wouldn't want to go.

And while I'm editing I love how OPs reasoning is they'll only be separate for an hour but earlier in her post stated that they can't get ready together or be at pictures and they obv won't be together at the ceremony so that's pretty much the whole day OP. How miserable...

Heffalump · April 2016

OP, whenever you think doing something rude is your only option, it means you haven't been thinking hard enough.

There are tons of excellent suggestions above. You don't even need a head table, per se. We just seated people where they fit naturally, whether they were BP or not. One of DH's groomsmen (his brother) sat with his wife, their kids, SIL, her date, and her daughter; another brother sat with his date, DH's dad/stepmom, other SIL, and her date; the best man and bridesmaid who were a couple sat together with mutual friends; etc. It worked beautifully. Dates/families weren't split up, and no one missed out on watching DH and me eat our salads at close range. All was well, I promise.

And TFQ, everyone!

scrunchythief · April 2016

Came for the DD. Was underwhelmed. The advice before OP left was really good and pretty tamely given.

Here's a puppy:

OliveOilsMom · April 2016

Got into a fight with my sister while she was planning her wedding. Last minute she wanted to switch to a head table. While I know my H would have been fine sitting with my siblings, I thought it was crazy rude and I told her so! I told her if she makes me sit up there, I would be scarfing all of my food and going to be near my H during each course. Told her my chair would be empty most of time, so there wouldn't be many pictures of the head table anyway. She changed back to a sweetheart table.

When BIL got married, they also had a head table. H ate his food and almost immediately grabbed his chair and squeezed into our table. The saddest part was the MOH though. She didn't really know anyone else (and was not given a plus one) and sat at the table by herself looking miserable. B&G were off talking to other guests and the other BM & GM were married, so they had each other. I tried to invite her to our table but she declined. I really had only met her at the shower, but I felt REALLY bad for her. I'm not surprised that SIL and MOH don't talk anymore.

OP - if you ever come back to your DD, which I doubt, please don't do that to anyone in your BP. These people are your friends, so treat them as such and allow them to sit with the person they love most on the day you marry the person you love most.

PrettyGirlLost · April 2016

floridabride44 said:

sprinkles02 said:

I also think that there's a big misunderstanding about how all of this works, and worry that the best man's girlfriend is going to try and be around while everyone is getting ready before the ceremony and at photos during cocktail hour, none of which she's supposed to be at because she's not in the wedding party. She and my fiancé have a tendency to get at each other's throats almost every time we hang out, and I'd like to avoid that kind of stress for him on our wedding day (even though he's not guilt-free when it happens so I'm not blaming her, but I just want to avoid it altogether).

Not allowing WP's SO's to be around is only "how all of this works" when there's a bridezilla who wants to separate their nearest & dearest from their SO's for as long as humanly possible.

There's no rule that says SO's can't be around while the WP is getting ready. It would be the kind thing to do to allow the SO's to hang around during getting-ready time instead of forcing them to presumably spend the entire morning alone, then spend the ceremony alone (because their SO's will be standing up in the wedding), then spend pictures/cocktail hour alone, THEN spend dinner sitting at a table with random people?

Seating wedding party members away from their SO's is extremely rude and unacceptable. Respect people's relationships. You said it yourself - you've sat apart from your date and it was "not that bad." Do you want your nearest and dearest to look back on your wedding and think "It was not that bad" or do you want them to think that it was a wonderful time and they were hosted well and their relationship was respected? THIS SHOULD BE AN EASY DECISION.

I've been the SO at weddings like the OP is planning on forcing on her WP, and they fucking.sucked. 10+ years later that's ALL I remember about those weddings- how much they fucking sucked.

I don't remember the venues, decor, the bride's dress, the food, etc. I just remember spending the entire day alone and bored as fuck and that overall the wedding fucking sucked.

[Deleted User] · April 2016

PGL, did the wedding fucking suck?

Sorry, had to be done.

PrettyGirlLost · April 2016

thisismynickname said:

flantastic said:

It's just a way to be possessive of your bridal party and make them not have any fun while saying things like "We want to spend time with you." You've spent time with them. All day. Give it up.

This is SO true. The last wedding for which I was a BM had a head table without SOs. Because the bride and groom were doing table visits for over 150 guests, none of us actually spoke to them during dinner. Pretty much all of us just scarfed each course and then loitered at the tables where our SOs were sitting.

I feel like head tables are just a way to put the VIPs on display. Totally unnecessary.

This has been my exact experience as a BM in every wedding that made us sit at the head table.

lnixon8 · April 2016

Another thing to consider with super trendy, enormous farm tables: they suck. For everyone.

H's sister had them and did assigned tables (versus assigned seats). There was about 20 people to a table and it basically became another version of pick your own seats: people leaving a chair in between themselves and another couple, asking people to squish together, people having to change seats, people on the "ends".

The bride and groom had to awkwardly ask people to do this so they could at least sit next to each other and the bride ended up next to and across from two groomsmens' dates she had never met because they sat down first. Like pp said, farm tables mean your basically stuck talking only to people directly next to you and directly across.

I'm not hating on random dates or meeting friends new SO's but especially after my wedding (our weddings were VERY similar, 3 weeks apart, same venue, almost 50% identical guest list), she said she wish she had done a sweetheart table like I did instead of having small talk/get to know you questions with these new people.

madamerwin · April 2016

Came for the DD and to share my head table experience.

My sister had a head table at her wedding last year, and it sucked. I tried for so long to talk her out of it, and tell her the reasons it was stupid. Alas, she would not budge, even after I told her that I would be eating quickly so I could go sit with my H. H was sitting with my sisters' husbands, as well as my two year-old niece (who BIL had to take care of himself, since my other sis was also at the head table). By halfway through dinner, my niece, all three of my parents, one of my BILs, and my husband were all sitting in the grass next to the head table so we could all hang out.

Luckily, unlike OP, my sister was at least cool with having SOs hanging around while we got ready, so I was only separated from my husband for about 30 minutes. But to echo PPs: It is so rude to separate people from their loved ones just so your pictures look nice. All etiquette boils down to not being an asshole to your guests, and separating people from their significant others most definitely falls into the category of "being an asshole to your guests".

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