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Did I do something wrong?

Knottie14350236Knottie14350236 member
Second Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
We had a small destination wedding (25 guests).

on wedding day, I was transported with my MOH and stepmom who was walking me down the aisle and DH was transported with his BM. All other guests were taken from the hotel to the wedding ceremony site via a shuttle I arranged. At the ceremony, everyone got off the bus, and were greeted by DH and BM. People took their seats, ceremony goes ahead, DH and I leave separately for pictures and everyone else is transported back to the hotel by the shuttle where the reception is held. 

So I guess MIL was really NOT happy about how we did everything, and her feelings definitely show in the pictures :-(. 

She took issue with her and FIL having to take the shuttle with the regular guests, and felt that as a VIP we should have arranged separate transportation for them.

she wanted her and FIL to be there before all of the other guests to greet everyone. I said no to this because this was about me and DH hosting, I didn't want them playing host (this was not said directly to them, just thanks but no thanks, we've got it covered).

She was mad that no one escorted her and her mother to their seats. DH and his BM basically just motioned for everyone to sit as they came in. 

*I* think it all comes down to her feeling that we didn't treat her as a special enough guest. Were we wrong here? Should we have done something differently, etiquette-wise, or should I just ignore whatever feelings she has about it?

(if it makes a difference at all, I paid for the wedding with no contributions from either side).
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Re: Did I do something wrong?

  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Knottie14350236 said:
    We had a small destination wedding (25 guests).

    on wedding day, I was transported with my MOH and stepmom who was walking me down the aisle and DH was transported with his BM. All other guests were taken from the hotel to the wedding ceremony site via a shuttle I arranged. At the ceremony, everyone got off the bus, and were greeted by DH and BM. People took their seats, ceremony goes ahead, DH and I leave separately for pictures and everyone else is transported back to the hotel by the shuttle where the reception is held. 

    So I guess MIL was really NOT happy about how we did everything, and her feelings definitely show in the pictures :-(. 

    She took issue with her and FIL having to take the shuttle with the regular guests, and felt that as a VIP we should have arranged separate transportation for them.

    she wanted her and FIL to be there before all of the other guests to greet everyone. I said no to this because this was about me and DH hosting, I didn't want them playing host (this was not said directly to them, just thanks but no thanks, we've got it covered).

    She was mad that no one escorted her and her mother to their seats. DH and his BM basically just motioned for everyone to sit as they came in. 

    *I* think it all comes down to her feeling that we didn't treat her as a special enough guest. Were we wrong here? Should we have done something differently, etiquette-wise, or should I just ignore whatever feelings she has about it?

    (if it makes a difference at all, I paid for the wedding with no contributions from either side).
    Re: transportation, I think you're fine.   I do think it would've been appropriate for someone to export the mother / grandmother to their seats for the ceremony depending on the formality of it. 

    What does your H say?




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  • MJKloverMJKlover member
    Knottie Warrior 25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    I don't know if it's a breach of etiquette, but I think every wedding I've attended the mothers and grandmothers are escorted to their seats just before the start of the ceremony. As far as the transportation is concerned, I think she's overreacting. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    holyguacamole79 said:
    Knottie14350236 said:
    We had a small destination wedding (25 guests).

    on wedding day, I was transported with my MOH and stepmom who was walking me down the aisle and DH was transported with his BM. All other guests were taken from the hotel to the wedding ceremony site via a shuttle I arranged. At the ceremony, everyone got off the bus, and were greeted by DH and BM. People took their seats, ceremony goes ahead, DH and I leave separately for pictures and everyone else is transported back to the hotel by the shuttle where the reception is held. 

    So I guess MIL was really NOT happy about how we did everything, and her feelings definitely show in the pictures :-(. 

    She took issue with her and FIL having to take the shuttle with the regular guests, and felt that as a VIP we should have arranged separate transportation for them.

    she wanted her and FIL to be there before all of the other guests to greet everyone. I said no to this because this was about me and DH hosting, I didn't want them playing host (this was not said directly to them, just thanks but no thanks, we've got it covered).

    She was mad that no one escorted her and her mother to their seats. DH and his BM basically just motioned for everyone to sit as they came in. 

    *I* think it all comes down to her feeling that we didn't treat her as a special enough guest. Were we wrong here? Should we have done something differently, etiquette-wise, or should I just ignore whatever feelings she has about it?

    (if it makes a difference at all, I paid for the wedding with no contributions from either side).
    Re: transportation, I think you're fine.   I do think it would've been appropriate for someone to export the mother / grandmother to their seats for the ceremony depending on the formality of it. 

    What does your H say?
    All of this.   I think the transportation issue was fine.   Sounds like MIL wanted you to go through the expense of treating her extra special but was she financing anything that would lead her to be hosting?

    I do think that the moms should have been escorted to their seats.   I can see why that may have left a bad taste. 
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  • Knottie14350236Knottie14350236 member
    Second Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    DH and I were on the same side. It was an informal ceremony, no rehearsal, one person standing for each of us, no big processional. 
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  • kvrunskvruns member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    It wasn't "wrong" but I can see why MIL feels a bit hurt by it. I definitely think it would have been nice for them to be seen as a bit more VIP (perhaps riding over with you guys instead of with the other guests, especially if there was some down time before hand) and then seating the parents/grandparents just before the MOH/BM walked down the aisle would have been nice.
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  • Knottie14350236Knottie14350236 member
    Second Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    as for how he feels about her being mad, I've gotten a vague "that's how she is, don't worry about it" type of response.
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  • Paper_KittenPaper_Kitten member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its
    Curious,
    my ceremony is small (22 people). No bridesmaids or groomsmen or ushers. 

    Do  I have someone walk our moms and grandma down the isle? My dad is still walking me down the isle

    if they are being escorted, who would that fall upon to do? 

    I dont  want to get In a similar situation with my FMIL
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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Eh, even if it was super casual and there were no ushers, I still think it would've been appropriate for someone from H's side to escort the mother & grandmother to their seats.  It doesn't have to be anything formal or Aw-ish ... just have someone walk them to their seat.  I don't think this is a huge deal, but it would've been a nice touch.

    What's done is done, though.  Is MIL saying anything, or is she just passive-aggressively stewing?  




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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    I think you didn't do anything wrong.  I have mostly seen mother's escorted to their seats prior to the start of the wedding, but since you had a very casual wedding with 25 guests, I think it would have been a little excessive to carve out special time to escort MIL and GMIL down the aisle.  If you wedding was larger and a bit more formal, I would be siding more with MIL on the escorting issue.

    I also think it was fine that MIL and FIL were on the main shuttle.  You had a small guest list and if they felt so strongly about arriving in their own vehicle to the wedding, they could have booked their own transportation.  MIL may be a little bent out of shape because your stepmom rode in your car with you and MOH. 

    But if your H doesn't feel you have done anything wrong and this is just something MIL needs to get over.  Follow your H along with this.  He knows his mom better than you and this might be some manipulation on her part to feel the victim.  If your H is used to this, he also seems to know how to deal with it.  Hopefully, this isn't the start of your MIL trying to hold things like this over you two.  What happens if you don't allow her in the room while you give birth (if you are having kids)?  Will she pout in a corner afterwards, instead of meeting her grandchild?

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  • Knottie14350236Knottie14350236 member
    Second Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    @holyguacamole79

    passive agressive stewing with sprinkling of comments.
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  • Knottie14350236Knottie14350236 member
    Second Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited April 2016
    Oh, it's not like Mil and gmil were totally unescorted- FIL walked to their seats with them.
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  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its

    I see nothing wrong, OP. It sounds like you and I had a similar wedding - mine was 33 people total, no processional (just me and my dad) and while we did have a MOH and GM, they sat in chairs and didn't have to wear specific clothes. Moms were not escorted because I felt like it didn't make sense.

    Sure, it would have been nice to have the moms escorted, but you didn't do anything wrong by not. And I find it really odd that she wanted special transportation.

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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I agree that it would have been appropriate to have your MIL and GMIL escorted to their seats (your FIL could have escorted your MIL and another VIP from their side could have escorted her mother), but as far as transportation goes, she wasn't "owed" separate transportation or getting to the reception ahead of everyone else. You were fine there.

    I like @holyguacamole79's suggestion on how to respond to her.  If it doesn't work, then your husband should tell her. "Mom, I'm sorry some things didn't go as you would have liked, but the wedding is over now. We really would appreciate it if these matters can be considered closed."
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  • lembasloverlembaslover member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
    redwoodoriginal said:
    You did nothing wrong. No one needs to be escorted down the aisle. I had no ushers. Our mothers weren't escorted down the aisle and they survived. Everyone sat down by their own accord. shes being over dramatic. Sorry :(


    Yup all of this. Our parents and grandparents sat in the front rows but they seated themselves, no escort down the aisle, and after the ceremony they recessed after wedding party but before general guests. Other than that there really wasn't special treatment. 

    She's either just being petty and passive aggressive or there is something bigger going on like she disapproved of the DW or something and is using the transportation and seating as her scapegoat reason. Either way you paid for everything yourselves and hosted so next time she brings it up maybe just say I'm sorry you feel that way and then change the subject. Try to let it go.
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  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Knottie1459130283 said:
    Curious,
    my ceremony is small (22 people). No bridesmaids or groomsmen or ushers. 

    Do  I have someone walk our moms and grandma down the isle? My dad is still walking me down the isle

    if they are being escorted, who would that fall upon to do? 

    I dont  want to get In a similar situation with my FMIL
    Do you have a brother(s) or a close cousin that could escort them. My sons escorted me at DD's wedding and a groomsman escorted the MOG. You FH could escort his mother then go to where ever he will enter from or go straight to the altar.
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Knottie14350236 said:
    We had a small destination wedding (25 guests).

    on wedding day, I was transported with my MOH and stepmom who was walking me down the aisle and DH was transported with his BM. All other guests were taken from the hotel to the wedding ceremony site via a shuttle I arranged. At the ceremony, everyone got off the bus, and were greeted by DH and BM. People took their seats, ceremony goes ahead, DH and I leave separately for pictures and everyone else is transported back to the hotel by the shuttle where the reception is held. 

    So I guess MIL was really NOT happy about how we did everything, and her feelings definitely show in the pictures :-(. 

    She took issue with her and FIL having to take the shuttle with the regular guests, and felt that as a VIP we should have arranged separate transportation for them.  Did the transportation plan ever come up prior to the wedding, and did MIL ever express a desire to have special transportation for her and your FIL?  If not, this is on her.  You aren't mind readers.

    she wanted her and FIL to be there before all of the other guests to greet everyone. I said no to this because this was about me and DH hosting, I didn't want them playing host (this was not said directly to them, just thanks but no thanks, we've got it covered).  If this was something that was important to your IL's, personally I think you should have gone along with it, especially since it was a very mild request- to be present at the ceremony to greet guests as they entered.  If hosting was that important to you, why weren't you present greeting guests with your FI?  Why did it matter that much if your IL's helped greet your guests?  Your wedding day would still have been very much about you and your FI.

    I have been to a shit ton of weddings and I have never ever once equated who was greeting me to who was hosting the event.  And not once have I ever cared one iota who was actually hosting the event, as long as I was actually well hosted as a guest.

    DH and I hosted our own wedding, in that we pretty much paid for the entire thing ourselves.  We still listed both sets of parents on our invitations in the formal language that might indicate that they were hosting the wedding.  We still allowed anyone who wanted to greet guests at the ceremony do so.


    She was mad that no one escorted her and her mother to their seats. DH and his BM basically just motioned for everyone to sit as they came in.   Did you have a rehearsal where all of this would have been discussed and practiced?  If not, did his mother ever express a desire to be escorted and seated?  If not, that's on her.

    *I* think it all comes down to her feeling that we didn't treat her as a special enough guest. Were we wrong here? Should we have done something differently, etiquette-wise, or should I just ignore whatever feelings she has about it?

    (if it makes a difference at all, I paid for the wedding with no contributions from either side).


    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited April 2016
    Knottie14350236 said:
    Oh, it's not like Mil and gmil were totally unescorted- FIL walked to their seats with them.
    Wait a second. So they WERE escorted. Just not in "the processional." MIL is being a drama queen. 

    This is an interesting topic of conversation, as my mother and in-laws were part of the processional. However, in my eyes, that's just "what's done." I have no idea if there is etiquette behind it, or just tradition, and where the tradition came from. I would not side-eye parents not being part of a processional, particularly if it was a small event. FWIW, I don't even remember if my mom and sister's in-laws were part of the processional at my sister's wedding as they, too, had a tiny event. 
    Edit- clarity
    ________________________________


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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    cupcait927 said:
    For PPs saying that the moms should be escorted to their seats - what if you don't have ushers and no one else is walking down the aisle besides the couple? I don't think it's in bad taste at that point. I think it sounds like MIL wanted special treatment and was upset when she didn't get it, not that the bride and groom did anything wrong.

    ETA - I do see in OP's original post that her stepmom was walking her down the aisle, but I still maintain that the couple didn't do anything wrong in this situation. 
    If you want to escort your VIPs, then you have a groomsman escort them or another family member.

    And it doesn't matter whether or not anyone else in the bridal party is processing, the Bride still processes down the aisle- typically the female VIPs are escorted to their seats in part to signal to the guests that the bride is about to make her entrance.  Usually the MOB is the last guest to be seated before the formal stat of the ceremony and the Bride comes down the aisle.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    kimmiinthemitten said:
    How specific was your/H's conversations with her about the wedding?

    I don't think you did anything wrong.  And if you had spoken to her prior about your plans and she never spoke up and inquired about what she deemed to be important, how were you supposed to know she expected an escort and her own transportation?
    I agree completely regarding the bolded.




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  • Knottie14350236Knottie14350236 member
    Second Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    DH went over all of this with MIL and FIL a few weeks before the wedding. MIL was not happy, but we went forward as planned.

    one of the reasons it was not a "parent-featured" (probably the wrong word) wedding is that my mom died of cancer when I was 20 and my dad has early onset Alzheimer's so I only had my dad's wife there as primary family on my side. This was really hard on me to not have my parents there, and that's why we had a small, informal, adult, "fun and friends" style wedding without the usual trappings and traditions (including a mother-son/daughter-father dance, which she was also not happy about).
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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Ugh, I'm sorry, OP.  I really hope things improve with you & your MIL.




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  • cupcait927cupcait927 member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited April 2016
    flantastic said:
    I don't understand why anyone thinks the MOB or MOG definitely should be escorted to their seats, especially if no one else is, just because the bride will be walking down the aisle. I can see why people do it - we did it - but why on earth would it be wrong not to? I cannot imagine getting mad about that as a parent. The ceremony is not about the parents. I don't need to be highlighted as a VIP. No one should need that, as long as said highlighting isn't uneven and particularly if the ceremony is more informal.

    OP, you did nothing wrong.
    QFT.

    To add - why is it "appropriate" to PPs that the parents and grandparents are escorted? They aren't the ones getting married, this isn't their ceremony, so why do they need to be escorted to their seats or proceed down the aisle? 
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