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Did I do something wrong?

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Re: Did I do something wrong?

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    Curious,
    my ceremony is small (22 people). No bridesmaids or groomsmen or ushers. 

    Do  I have someone walk our moms and grandma down the isle? My dad is still walking me down the isle

    if they are being escorted, who would that fall upon to do? 

    I dont  want to get In a similar situation with my FMIL
    Do you have a brother(s) or a close cousin that could escort them. My sons escorted me at DD's wedding and a groomsman escorted the MOG. You FH could escort his mother then go to where ever he will enter from or go straight to the altar.
    I don't have any family other than my mom and dad on my side. 
    He does have two younger brothers coming. 
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    SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    While it is traditional that VIPs (such as parents, grandparents) are seated as part of the processional, this is not required by etiquette. Depending on culture/religious practices there are various ways that processionals are conducted.

    We had our mother's seated, and that was it. Grandparents and DH's dad and our siblings all sat in the first two rows at the same time every other guest did. They also arrived on their own time by their own transport.

    OP- You and DH did nothing wrong by not seating your MIL and GMIL. While people commonly do it, I don't think it was wrong for you to chose not to, nor for MIL to be bent out of shape about it. If she keeps being passive aggressive and making comments, I would ask your H to say something to her.
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited April 2016
    I am so sorry to hear about your situation with your own parents. It's totally understandable that under the circumstances you'd feel the need to play down the roles of parents in your wedding. I'm sorry that your MIL doesn't get it. She's being a real piece of work.
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    MIL needs to build a bridge and get the fuck over it.  


    image
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    I'm with PPs who don't understand why it's necessary to have parents escorted to their seats... We originally planned to have our moms, my step-mom, my step-MIL, and my GMIL escorted in, but we pretty much forgot to plan that part of it, and it was no big deal. MIL and GMIL walked in together, step-MIL walked in with FIL, and my dad walked my mom and stepmom in. None of them cared in the least about any of this.

    I think OP's MIL is being a little dramatic - what does she expect you to do about it after the fact? Follow your H's lead on this one and just let it go.
    BabyFruit Ticker
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    Curious,
    my ceremony is small (22 people). No bridesmaids or groomsmen or ushers. 

    Do  I have someone walk our moms and grandma down the isle? My dad is still walking me down the isle

    if they are being escorted, who would that fall upon to do? 

    I dont  want to get In a similar situation with my FMIL
    Do you have a brother(s) or a close cousin that could escort them. My sons escorted me at DD's wedding and a groomsman escorted the MOG. You FH could escort his mother then go to where ever he will enter from or go straight to the altar.
    I don't have any family other than my mom and dad on my side. 
    He does have two younger brothers coming. 
    Talk to your Moms and Grandma. My Grandma was hell bent on making sure my Mom (her daughter) got a special corsage. My parents wrote a check for 20 k and handed me the reins but gave SERIOUS input about how wasteful her $50 corsage would be. 
    Especially with such a small wedding, the women in your life might be okay without any type of escort/vip treatment.


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    I'm with PPs who don't understand why it's necessary to have parents escorted to their seats... We originally planned to have our moms, my step-mom, my step-MIL, and my GMIL escorted in, but we pretty much forgot to plan that part of it, and it was no big deal. MIL and GMIL walked in together, step-MIL walked in with FIL, and my dad walked my mom and stepmom in. None of them cared in the least about any of this.

    I think OP's MIL is being a little dramatic - what does she expect you to do about it after the fact? Follow your H's lead on this one and just let it go.
    No one said that it was necessary.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    I'm with PPs who don't understand why it's necessary to have parents escorted to their seats... We originally planned to have our moms, my step-mom, my step-MIL, and my GMIL escorted in, but we pretty much forgot to plan that part of it, and it was no big deal. MIL and GMIL walked in together, step-MIL walked in with FIL, and my dad walked my mom and stepmom in. None of them cared in the least about any of this.

    I think OP's MIL is being a little dramatic - what does she expect you to do about it after the fact? Follow your H's lead on this one and just let it go.
    No one said that it was necessary.
    Sorry, wrong word choice. I was just referring to the people who said moms "should be" escorted to their seats. I mean, it's nice if you want to have a processional that includes family, but to me it seems optional, not something that necessarily should be done, regardless of circumstances.
    BabyFruit Ticker
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    I'm with PPs who don't understand why it's necessary to have parents escorted to their seats... We originally planned to have our moms, my step-mom, my step-MIL, and my GMIL escorted in, but we pretty much forgot to plan that part of it, and it was no big deal. MIL and GMIL walked in together, step-MIL walked in with FIL, and my dad walked my mom and stepmom in. None of them cared in the least about any of this.

    I think OP's MIL is being a little dramatic - what does she expect you to do about it after the fact? Follow your H's lead on this one and just let it go.
    No one said that it was necessary.
    Sorry, wrong word choice. I was just referring to the people who said moms "should be" escorted to their seats. I mean, it's nice if you want to have a processional that includes family, but to me it seems optional, not something that necessarily should be done, regardless of circumstances.
    They aren't part of the processional, though.  They (MOG, Grandmas, and MOB) are VIP guests that are escorted to their seats 1. as an act of honor for them and 2. to signify that the processional is going to begin.

    You don't need to escort anyone, but it's an old-school tradition that many people like to do.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    I'm with PPs who don't understand why it's necessary to have parents escorted to their seats... We originally planned to have our moms, my step-mom, my step-MIL, and my GMIL escorted in, but we pretty much forgot to plan that part of it, and it was no big deal. MIL and GMIL walked in together, step-MIL walked in with FIL, and my dad walked my mom and stepmom in. None of them cared in the least about any of this.

    I think OP's MIL is being a little dramatic - what does she expect you to do about it after the fact? Follow your H's lead on this one and just let it go.
    No one said that it was necessary.
    Sorry, wrong word choice. I was just referring to the people who said moms "should be" escorted to their seats. I mean, it's nice if you want to have a processional that includes family, but to me it seems optional, not something that necessarily should be done, regardless of circumstances.
    They aren't part of the processional, though.  They (MOG, Grandmas, and MOB) are VIP guests that are escorted to their seats 1. as an act of honor for them and 2. to signify that the processional is going to begin.

    You don't need to escort anyone, but it's an old-school tradition that many people like to do.
    I understand that it's an old-school tradition. My point was that PPs are saying OP should have done it. But, like some other old-school traditions (having a diamond engagement ring, FOB walking the bride down the aisle, first dance, etc.), it is not required and therefore there is not really a right or wrong here.

    I was simply stating my opinion that I think it's odd for people to be saying that OP should have done it, since it is not a requirement. That's all.
    BabyFruit Ticker
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    I think your MIL is being ridiculous. She knew well beforehand what the plan was, the special circumstances, AND they weren't hosting the event. She needs to get the hell over it. You did nothing wrong. 
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    DH went over all of this with MIL and FIL a few weeks before the wedding. MIL was not happy, but we went forward as planned.

    one of the reasons it was not a "parent-featured" (probably the wrong word) wedding is that my mom died of cancer when I was 20 and my dad has early onset Alzheimer's so I only had my dad's wife there as primary family on my side. This was really hard on me to not have my parents there, and that's why we had a small, informal, adult, "fun and friends" style wedding without the usual trappings and traditions (including a mother-son/daughter-father dance, which she was also not happy about).
    Hold up, hold up, hold up!

    Your H/then FI sat down with his parents, explained/reminded them that due to the loss of your mom and the current medical state of your father, that you were choosing to have a more casual wedding, and she is still behaving this way.

    Oh hell no.  That is so selfish and immature.  
    I can see why you feel that way.  Buts let's play devils advocate here.    

    MIL is alive and she was basically told because the situation with the bride's side she basically gets NONE of the traditional stuff.

    Sorry, but I'm not a fan of that way of thinking.     There was room for compromise to let MIL feel special.  Especially when it's quite clear of the OP's mom was alive there would have been more traditional stuff going on.  

    There isn't anything the OP can do now but to say they are sorry, but yeah I think they could have handled things a little differently.   Giving the MIL a special escort or letting her greet guests would have gone a long way.    

    Basically the OP and her DH basically said they do not care about her feelings.







    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    This is a note for lurkers, make sure you communicate your plans well to your VIPs. I understand that OP paid for the wedding but parents(in general)  still want to feel included. I think it would have been nice to have a discussion about the ceremony instead of just telling the PILs what was happening. I just went through a wedding with my daughter. There was definitely some lack of communication going on with decisions she and H made. Some we worked out beforehand, others I just let go. I still have some resentment about how some things were handled but try not to dwell on the stuff I didn't like but on the stuff I did like. Remember, parents are human and have expectations and dreams just like the B & G. Ok now I'm off my parent soapbox.
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    lyndausvi said:
    DH went over all of this with MIL and FIL a few weeks before the wedding. MIL was not happy, but we went forward as planned.

    one of the reasons it was not a "parent-featured" (probably the wrong word) wedding is that my mom died of cancer when I was 20 and my dad has early onset Alzheimer's so I only had my dad's wife there as primary family on my side. This was really hard on me to not have my parents there, and that's why we had a small, informal, adult, "fun and friends" style wedding without the usual trappings and traditions (including a mother-son/daughter-father dance, which she was also not happy about).
    Hold up, hold up, hold up!

    Your H/then FI sat down with his parents, explained/reminded them that due to the loss of your mom and the current medical state of your father, that you were choosing to have a more casual wedding, and she is still behaving this way.

    Oh hell no.  That is so selfish and immature.  
    I can see why you feel that way.  Buts let's play devils advocate here.    

    MIL is alive and she was basically told because the situation with the bride's side she basically gets NONE of the traditional stuff.

    Sorry, but I'm not a fan of that way of thinking.     There was room for compromise to let MIL feel special.  Especially when it's quite clear of the OP's mom was alive there would have been more traditional stuff going on.  

    There isn't anything the OP can do now but to say they are sorry, but yeah I think they could have handled things a little differently.   Giving the MIL a special escort or letting her greet guests would have gone a long way.    

    Basically the OP and her DH basically said they do not care about her feelings.

    Except, MIL was in fact escorted to her seat by her son, then pitched a fit because there wasn't a father daughter dance. 1) How is her not good enough to escort her 2) And she was downright cruel to the OP regarding the father daughter dance.

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    lyndausvi said:
    DH went over all of this with MIL and FIL a few weeks before the wedding. MIL was not happy, but we went forward as planned.

    one of the reasons it was not a "parent-featured" (probably the wrong word) wedding is that my mom died of cancer when I was 20 and my dad has early onset Alzheimer's so I only had my dad's wife there as primary family on my side. This was really hard on me to not have my parents there, and that's why we had a small, informal, adult, "fun and friends" style wedding without the usual trappings and traditions (including a mother-son/daughter-father dance, which she was also not happy about).
    Hold up, hold up, hold up!

    Your H/then FI sat down with his parents, explained/reminded them that due to the loss of your mom and the current medical state of your father, that you were choosing to have a more casual wedding, and she is still behaving this way.

    Oh hell no.  That is so selfish and immature.  
    I can see why you feel that way.  Buts let's play devils advocate here.    

    MIL is alive and she was basically told because the situation with the bride's side she basically gets NONE of the traditional stuff.

    Sorry, but I'm not a fan of that way of thinking.     There was room for compromise to let MIL feel special.  Especially when it's quite clear of the OP's mom was alive there would have been more traditional stuff going on.  

    There isn't anything the OP can do now but to say they are sorry, but yeah I think they could have handled things a little differently.   Giving the MIL a special escort or letting her greet guests would have gone a long way.    

    Basically the OP and her DH basically said they do not care about her feelings.

    Except, MIL was in fact escorted to her seat by her son, then pitched a fit because there wasn't a father daughter dance. 1) How is her not good enough to escort her 2) And she was downright cruel to the OP regarding the father daughter dance.
    OP said that FIL walked with MIL and GMIL to their seat not that her son escorted her. I think the MIL needs to get over this but like I said in my previous response, it is a lesson for lurkers about communication.
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    While I agree with PP's that now MIL needs to let it go, I think a lot of this angst is related to communication issues prior to the wedding.

    This is a note for lurkers, make sure you communicate your plans well to your VIPs. I understand that OP paid for the wedding but parents(in general)  still want to feel included. I think it would have been nice to have a discussion about the ceremony instead of just telling the PILs what was happening. I just went through a wedding with my daughter. There was definitely some lack of communication going on with decisions she and H made. Some we worked out beforehand, others I just let go. I still have some resentment about how some things were handled but try not to dwell on the stuff I didn't like but on the stuff I did like. Remember, parents are human and have expectations and dreams just like the B & G. Ok now I'm off my parent soapbox.
    This was my thought reading this thread.  I get that no one is entitled to anything ever- including your parents, but that logic does nothing to prevent hurt feelings, misunderstandings, etc.

    lyndausvi said:

    I can see why you feel that way.  Buts let's play devils advocate here.    

    MIL is alive and she was basically told because the situation with the bride's side she basically gets NONE of the traditional stuff.

    Sorry, but I'm not a fan of that way of thinking.     There was room for compromise to let MIL feel special.  Especially when it's quite clear of the OP's mom was alive there would have been more traditional stuff going on.  

    There isn't anything the OP can do now but to say they are sorry, but yeah I think they could have handled things a little differently.   Giving the MIL a special escort or letting her greet guests would have gone a long way.    

    Basically the OP and her DH basically said they do not care about her feelings.

    I also agree with all of this.



    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited April 2016
    lyndausvi said:
    DH went over all of this with MIL and FIL a few weeks before the wedding. MIL was not happy, but we went forward as planned.

    one of the reasons it was not a "parent-featured" (probably the wrong word) wedding is that my mom died of cancer when I was 20 and my dad has early onset Alzheimer's so I only had my dad's wife there as primary family on my side. This was really hard on me to not have my parents there, and that's why we had a small, informal, adult, "fun and friends" style wedding without the usual trappings and traditions (including a mother-son/daughter-father dance, which she was also not happy about).
    Hold up, hold up, hold up!

    Your H/then FI sat down with his parents, explained/reminded them that due to the loss of your mom and the current medical state of your father, that you were choosing to have a more casual wedding, and she is still behaving this way.

    Oh hell no.  That is so selfish and immature.  
    I can see why you feel that way.  Buts let's play devils advocate here.    

    MIL is alive and she was basically told because the situation with the bride's side she basically gets NONE of the traditional stuff.

    Sorry, but I'm not a fan of that way of thinking.     There was room for compromise to let MIL feel special.  Especially when it's quite clear of the OP's mom was alive there would have been more traditional stuff going on.  

    There isn't anything the OP can do now but to say they are sorry, but yeah I think they could have handled things a little differently.   Giving the MIL a special escort or letting her greet guests would have gone a long way.    

    Basically the OP and her DH basically said they do not care about her feelings.

    Except, MIL was in fact escorted to her seat by her son, then pitched a fit because there wasn't a father daughter dance. 1) How is her not good enough to escort her 2) And she was downright cruel to the OP regarding the father daughter dance.
    From the OP "Oh, it's not like Mil and gmil were totally unescorted- FIL walked to their seats with them"


    FIL is father-in-law, meaning her husband, not her son.


    I'm not saying MIL is correct but when things start adding up, (i.e no special escort, no dance, not even allowed to greet guests) well people start feeling like their feelings are not being validated.  

     She more than likely dreamed of her son getting married just like most moms do.  Then was disappointed that she missed out on what most people would consider normal things moms get to experience at their child's weddings.

    Had the OP AND HER HUSBAND just thrown a little bone to MIL to make her feel special it could have gone a long way.  Instead they said  "nope, we do not care about your feelings."       Which isn't wrong per se, it's their wedding.  Doesn't mean their actions do not hurt someone's feelings either.


    What's done is done, but the OP and her husband could have handled things a little better.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    lyndausvi said:
    lyndausvi said:
    DH went over all of this with MIL and FIL a few weeks before the wedding. MIL was not happy, but we went forward as planned.

    one of the reasons it was not a "parent-featured" (probably the wrong word) wedding is that my mom died of cancer when I was 20 and my dad has early onset Alzheimer's so I only had my dad's wife there as primary family on my side. This was really hard on me to not have my parents there, and that's why we had a small, informal, adult, "fun and friends" style wedding without the usual trappings and traditions (including a mother-son/daughter-father dance, which she was also not happy about).
    Hold up, hold up, hold up!

    Your H/then FI sat down with his parents, explained/reminded them that due to the loss of your mom and the current medical state of your father, that you were choosing to have a more casual wedding, and she is still behaving this way.

    Oh hell no.  That is so selfish and immature.  
    I can see why you feel that way.  Buts let's play devils advocate here.    

    MIL is alive and she was basically told because the situation with the bride's side she basically gets NONE of the traditional stuff.

    Sorry, but I'm not a fan of that way of thinking.     There was room for compromise to let MIL feel special.  Especially when it's quite clear of the OP's mom was alive there would have been more traditional stuff going on.  

    There isn't anything the OP can do now but to say they are sorry, but yeah I think they could have handled things a little differently.   Giving the MIL a special escort or letting her greet guests would have gone a long way.    

    Basically the OP and her DH basically said they do not care about her feelings.

    Except, MIL was in fact escorted to her seat by her son, then pitched a fit because there wasn't a father daughter dance. 1) How is her not good enough to escort her 2) And she was downright cruel to the OP regarding the father daughter dance.
    From the OP "Oh, it's not like Mil and gmil were totally unescorted- FIL walked to their seats with them"


    FIL is father-in-law, meaning her husband, not her son.


    I'm not saying MIL is correct but when things start adding up, (i.e no special escort, no dance, not even allowed to greet guests) well people start feeling like their feelings are not being validated.  

     She more than likely dreamed of her son getting married just like most moms do.  Then was disappointed that she missed out on what most people would consider normal things moms get to experience at their child's weddings.

    Had the OP AND HER HUSBAND just thrown a little bone to MIL to make her feel special it could have gone a long way.  Instead they said  "nope, we do not care about your feelings."       Which isn't wrong per se, it's their wedding.  Doesn't mean their actions do not hurt someone's feelings either.


    What's done is done, but the OP and her husband could have handled things a little better.
    Oops, misread that. I guess I'm just in the "fail to see what the big deal is" camp in regards to being escorted. Doesn't make someone else's' feelings wrong, I can't wrap my head around making a thing out of it. I also think the MIL could cut the OP some slack and have a little sympathy.

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    lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited April 2016
    lyndausvi said:
    lyndausvi said:


    Except, MIL was in fact escorted to her seat by her son, then pitched a fit because there wasn't a father daughter dance. 1) How is her not good enough to escort her 2) And she was downright cruel to the OP regarding the father daughter dance.
    From the OP "Oh, it's not like Mil and gmil were totally unescorted- FIL walked to their seats with them"


    FIL is father-in-law, meaning her husband, not her son.


    I'm not saying MIL is correct but when things start adding up, (i.e no special escort, no dance, not even allowed to greet guests) well people start feeling like their feelings are not being validated.  

     She more than likely dreamed of her son getting married just like most moms do.  Then was disappointed that she missed out on what most people would consider normal things moms get to experience at their child's weddings.

    Had the OP AND HER HUSBAND just thrown a little bone to MIL to make her feel special it could have gone a long way.  Instead they said  "nope, we do not care about your feelings."       Which isn't wrong per se, it's their wedding.  Doesn't mean their actions do not hurt someone's feelings either.


    What's done is done, but the OP and her husband could have handled things a little better.
    Oops, misread that. I guess I'm just in the "fail to see what the big deal is" camp in regards to being escorted. Doesn't make someone else's' feelings wrong, I can't wrap my head around making a thing out of it. I also think the MIL could cut the OP some slack and have a little sympathy.
    I don't think any one thing individually is a big deal.   When you add them all up, well basically because the OP's mom is deceased MIL is forced to miss out on what most people consider normally mom wedding things.

    I personally think sympathy is a 2 way street in this case.    I feel for her not having her parents around, but that doesn't mean her in-laws should be told they get swat either.    COMPROMISE goes a long way.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    lyndausvi said:
    lyndausvi said:
    lyndausvi said:


    Except, MIL was in fact escorted to her seat by her son, then pitched a fit because there wasn't a father daughter dance. 1) How is her not good enough to escort her 2) And she was downright cruel to the OP regarding the father daughter dance.
    From the OP "Oh, it's not like Mil and gmil were totally unescorted- FIL walked to their seats with them"


    FIL is father-in-law, meaning her husband, not her son.


    I'm not saying MIL is correct but when things start adding up, (i.e no special escort, no dance, not even allowed to greet guests) well people start feeling like their feelings are not being validated.  

     She more than likely dreamed of her son getting married just like most moms do.  Then was disappointed that she missed out on what most people would consider normal things moms get to experience at their child's weddings.

    Had the OP AND HER HUSBAND just thrown a little bone to MIL to make her feel special it could have gone a long way.  Instead they said  "nope, we do not care about your feelings."       Which isn't wrong per se, it's their wedding.  Doesn't mean their actions do not hurt someone's feelings either.


    What's done is done, but the OP and her husband could have handled things a little better.
    Oops, misread that. I guess I'm just in the "fail to see what the big deal is" camp in regards to being escorted. Doesn't make someone else's' feelings wrong, I can't wrap my head around making a thing out of it. I also think the MIL could cut the OP some slack and have a little sympathy.
    I don't think any one thing individually is a big deal.   When you add them all up, well basically because the OP's mom is deceased MIL is forced to miss out on what most people consider normally mom wedding things.

    I personally think sympathy is a 2 way street in this case.    I feel for her not having her parents around, but that doesn't mean her in-laws should be told they get swat either.    COMPROMISE goes a long way.
    Her MIL was there, she's in the photos, she (presumably) wore a dress and corsage, she mingled with guests and ate the cake. I thinks it's fair to say she was part of far more normal mom things than OPs.  Sympathy may be a two way street, but I try to be respectful to people who have it worse. To complain that she wasn't special enough (for weeks following) when a set of parents was entirely missing is selfish and wrong. 

    ETA:  I think it's fine for her to not like the plans, or wish it was different. But to vocalize those opinions and continue to make comments puts this in an entirely different category. 
    A thousand times this

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