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Discussing money with FPIL

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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
My fiancé and I are at the point of wedding planning where we're signing contracts and getting ready to send in deposits. He mentioned his parents want to help financially but they have only said this to him. I have a good enough relationship with them where we will email/text about things but they have not brought up any wedding stuff with me.

I'm very grateful for this as we're both 30 and can pay for our own wedding but I recognize that parents want to be involved. The problem is that my fiancé has been working A LOT lately and I've been handling most of the planning for the two months. I'll mention that we need to send deposits in soon but also feel bad continuing to bring this up as he is so overworked and stressed. Would it be out of line for me to e-mail his parents and say that (my fiancé) told me they generously offered to help us and how grateful I am to see if that sparks any conversation? He's making wedding decisions based on money they offered and while I know they won't back out, my fiancé is the only one right now that can talk to them about it and he just doesn't have the time. I'm caught in a weird place where I want to not count on them and keep planning and making decisions for things we can afford but our wedding is 4 months away and I would need to start getting new quotes for less expensive caterers, etc.
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Re: Discussing money with FPIL

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    scrunchythiefscrunchythief member
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    PP's covered the issue of how your FI could let his parents know you're starting to book things, so they can offer to contribute.  In the meantime, would it be possible to book things now, with options to upgrade later?  We originally booked beer and wine at our venue, but were able to upgrade to full bar after we got back enough declines to be able to afford it.  We did the same thing with dinner selections.  Adding more options was more expensive, so we picked a few options at first that covered the basics, and then upgraded when we were more sure we could afford it.

    This way you can move ahead with planning, and still have your FIL's contribution help out with the wedding.  But check with your vendors first, of course!
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    downtondivadowntondiva member
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     @OliveOilsMom put it really well. I think it's fair to let them know you're booking things and see what happens, but I wouldn't be more direct than that. You're essentially asking for money at that point, and it puts them on the spot which isn't fair. Continue to plan what you can afford on your own and if they give you money down the road, it can go to later deposits, things you haven't booked yet, etc.
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    flantasticflantastic member
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    STARMOON44 said:
    He can't make time for a ten minute phone call? Really?
    Yes. Why can't he do this?
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    ernursejernursej member
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    STARMOON44 said:
    He can't make time for a ten minute phone call? Really?
    A bit silly, but my FI has been negotiating a company bankruptcy deal over the past few weeks and I have literally seen him for about 10 minutes a day when we eat together standing at the counter and he is getting approx 4 hours of sleep a night. Sometimes, a family phone call is longer than 10 minutes and if he only has a few minutes, I'm going to be selfish and want that time for myself. I completely agree that OP's FI should have any money conversation, but I can appreciate being extremely busy. 
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    edited April 2016
    flantastic said:
    STARMOON44 said:
    He can't make time for a ten minute phone call? Really?
    Yes. Why can't he do this?
    Depends on his job.  For example, if he does taxes, then between January and April 15 (18 this year), he is lucky to have 10 minutes to yourself to do anything that isn't work-related, sleeping, eating, drinking, or bathing. Tax firms require lots of overtime (at least 50 hours per week and that's on the low side), plus he may have to commute to get there and home.  And the work is very detail-oriented and can be complex, and he may also have to deal with problem clients, coworkers, and bosses.  In that mode, no, you don't have 10 minutes to call your mother to discuss wedding plans.
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    STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
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    Jen4948 said:
    flantastic said:
    STARMOON44 said:
    He can't make time for a ten minute phone call? Really?
    Yes. Why can't he do this?
    Depends on his job.  For example, if he does taxes, then between January and April 15 (18 this year), he is lucky to have 10 minutes to yourself to do anything that isn't work-related, sleeping, eating, drinking, or bathing. Tax firms require lots of overtime (at least 50 hours per week and that's on the low side), plus he may have to commute to get there and home.  And the work is very detail-oriented and can be complex, and he may also have to deal with problem clients, coworkers, and bosses.  In that mode, no, you don't have 10 minutes to call your mother to discuss wedding plans.
    I mean, you do though. You just do. 
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    edited April 2016
    STARMOON44 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    flantastic said:
    STARMOON44 said:
    He can't make time for a ten minute phone call? Really?
    Yes. Why can't he do this?
    Depends on his job.  For example, if he does taxes, then between January and April 15 (18 this year), he is lucky to have 10 minutes to yourself to do anything that isn't work-related, sleeping, eating, drinking, or bathing. Tax firms require lots of overtime (at least 50 hours per week and that's on the low side), plus he may have to commute to get there and home.  And the work is very detail-oriented and can be complex, and he may also have to deal with problem clients, coworkers, and bosses.  In that mode, no, you don't have 10 minutes to call your mother to discuss wedding plans.
    I mean, you do though. You just do. 
    No, you don't.  Tax season is very, very stressful, and nobody stops what they're doing to make personal calls about personal matters that aren't life-or-death emergencies.  Weddings are not life-or-death emergencies.  

    I've been putting a lot of things to the side that I can't handle right now.  If I had to deal with a wedding-related issue, sorry, but it won't happen before April 18-not even if my mother is involved.
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    edited April 2016
    STARMOON44 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    STARMOON44 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    flantastic said:
    STARMOON44 said:
    He can't make time for a ten minute phone call? Really?
    Yes. Why can't he do this?
    Depends on his job.  For example, if he does taxes, then between January and April 15 (18 this year), he is lucky to have 10 minutes to yourself to do anything that isn't work-related, sleeping, eating, drinking, or bathing. Tax firms require lots of overtime (at least 50 hours per week and that's on the low side), plus he may have to commute to get there and home.  And the work is very detail-oriented and can be complex, and he may also have to deal with problem clients, coworkers, and bosses.  In that mode, no, you don't have 10 minutes to call your mother to discuss wedding plans.
    I mean, you do though. You just do. 
    No, you don't.  Tax season is very, very stressful, and nobody stops what they're doing to make personal calls about personal matters that aren't life-or-death emergencies.  Weddings are not life-or-death emergencies.  

    I've been putting a lot of things to the side that I can't handle right now.  If I had to deal with a wedding-related issue, sorry, but it won't happen before April 18-not even if my mother is involved.

    Yet you have time to post on the knot. Unless he is deployed on a battle field, he has time to deal with this. If he refuses to make that happen, that's a him problem and she shouldn't step in and have the convo. 
    Typing on TheKnot forums is light.  A major phone call that has big-time emotional and other repercussions is not.  I'm not going to make major phone calls during tax season-regardless of how long they take, because they can stretch to much more than 10 minutes-especially about an issue like wedding finances, that can get very emotional and painful.

    As far as the OP's FI goes, we don't know what his job is.  Even if he isn't deployed on a battlefield, his employment conditions may not allow for 10 minute personal calls.  You don't know any more than I do, but you make a lot of assumptions based on what you don't know.
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    edited April 2016
    scribe95 said:
    I will never not make time to talk to my parents. Period. Especially on important topics. I have a job that is crazed for four months a year but I still have time to interact with family. It's a matter of prioritization. 
    You wouldn't, but we don't know what the FI's job is or how it's structured, or what his relationship with his parents is like.  A phone call to his parents about money could take a long time and be very emotional-something he may just not be equipped to deal with right now. 

    I'd prefer to know more information about his job circumstances before passing judgment on him for waiting until he can handle it. 
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    scribe95 said:
    Agree to disagree. I think he's just avoiding an uncomfortable discussion. 
    Maybe - or he might be waiting for a time when he feels more ready to have such a discussion .

    Either way, it's not up to the OP to bring it up with his parents. I think she should make whatever plans she can based on the money she and her FI already have available to them rather than waiting on his parents to actually make a financial contribution to the wedding.
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    LondonLisaLondonLisa member
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    scribe95 said:
    Agree to disagree. I think he's just avoiding an uncomfortable discussion. 
    QFT! 

    Everyone has 10 minutes. Unless he is behind enemy lines and can't communicate, he has 10 minutes.  I have junior doctor friends that work 36 hours straight. They return texts within hours. Calls within days. Why can't he call on a hands-free on his commute home? Go to sleep 10 minutes later? Wake up 10 minutes early? The tax accountant excuse is ridiculous. One is grossly incompetent if they cannot carve out 5-10 minutes of their day. 

    I think anything coming from the OP is beyond presumptuous. 

    OP, if you have decided on these vendors and you are getting them no matter what (because you can pay for it all as you said). Why does it matter? Just book them, and if they give you money later you can reimburse you or upgrade your package. 

    Even texting about deposits is SUPER passive aggressive, and I would see right through it. 
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    LondonLisa said:
    scribe95 said:
    Agree to disagree. I think he's just avoiding an uncomfortable discussion. 
    QFT! 

    Everyone has 10 minutes. Unless he is behind enemy lines and can't communicate, he has 10 minutes.  I have junior doctor friends that work 36 hours straight. They return texts within hours. Calls within days. Why can't he call on a hands-free on his commute home? Go to sleep 10 minutes later? Wake up 10 minutes early? The tax accountant excuse is ridiculous. One is grossly incompetent if they cannot carve out 5-10 minutes of their day. 

    I think anything coming from the OP is beyond presumptuous. 

    OP, if you have decided on these vendors and you are getting them no matter what (because you can pay for it all as you said). Why does it matter? Just book them, and if they give you money later you can reimburse you or upgrade your package. 

    Even texting about deposits is SUPER passive aggressive, and I would see right through it. 
    As I noted, we don't know what his job is or how it's structured, so I'm QFNNT (quoting for not necessarily truth).

    It isn't necessarily true that "everyone has 10 minutes."  The fact that you and others you know can return calls so soon and talk on the phone at busy times doesn't mean it's true for the FI.  We don't know what his job is or what it's like.

    But as I also noted, only he should contact his parents about the money - not the OP.
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    MandyMostMandyMost member
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    All communication with the in-laws about wedding-related stuff, especially finances, should be done by their child.

    You should never plan on money that you do not currently have in your bank account, even if you're "sure they won't back out".

    Everyone has the time for a 10-minute phone call (or text, or email) within a couple week period, unless they're on a battlefield. Full stop. No excuses. It may not be what you WANT to be doing with those 10 minutes, but you can do it. Life is tough, you have to make choices. If you want the money, he has to call. Period. Obviously some jobs are crazy, and while you're working (even 12+hours/day, 7 days/week) you may not have the ability for a 10-minute phone call. Fine. But at some point you commute home, and at some point you sleep....even if that's literally ALL you are doing aside from working at a job that doesn't allow telephones, you can find 10 minutes during your commute or cut out 10 minutes of sleep if it matters to you. 
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    lyndausvilyndausvi mod
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    If it's important, then people find time to communicate with the people they love.  If it's not important, then they find every excuse in the world on why they are just so busy not able to communicate. 

    That's just the way it is.  Sure there are few jobs where it's harder than others, but those account for a very small part of the population.

    For example, my DH works 15 hour days 7 days a week from Mid-May to Sept 30th.  He still calls his mom a few times a week. (we have a time difference too) Mostly when he is driving the 8 minutes to work.  Sometimes it's the short break he takes mid-day.   It's important to him to talk to him mom so he MAKES and/or FINDS the time.  Even if it's for 3 minutes.

    Heck even when my sister was working 10 hours a day and had 3 young kids we still found time to communicate once a week.  Mind you they were not always long conversations, but we still found time to communicate.

    Seems to make FI needs to just admit he doesn't want to make the call.







    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    I'm with @LondonLisathat the excuse of being too busy is thin.

    It's a difficult conversation, no doubt. But there's a difference between not HAVING time and not USING available time. Is there a ton of available time? No. But is there 5-10 minutes? Very, very, very, very likely yes. Unless, as LL said, he is a lighthouse captain caught in a hurricane. :)

    *********************************************************************************

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    lnixon8lnixon8 member
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    I'm with @londonLisa and the other posters that think 10 minutes is doable. If this hypothetical conversation is going to go so bad and take up so much time then OP should just move on without ever discussing the money with her.

     If not "Hey Mom/Dad I only have 10 minutes but you mentioned about heloping us pay for some part of the wedding and I was wondering if that was still something you wanted to do." If getting FMIL off the phone is imporrible either give up or send the same message in text or email.



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    SaintPaulGalSaintPaulGal member
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    I agree with everyone who pointed out that literally no one is so busy that they don't have the ability to carve out 10 minutes in a period of several weeks.  If he is working 12 hour days, that still leaves 12 hours.  Even utterly insane 16 hour days--two full workdays per calendar day--would leave 8 hours of time remaining.  Sleep is important, but it isn't going to kill him to get 10 fewer minutes of it one day.  Or find time to do it during the day.  Unless he literally lives in his office, there is some duration of commute involved.  He can call his mom then.  Or he can skip lunch one day.  Or take a slightly longer bathroom break.  Whatever it takes.  Long story short: he has to be the one to do this.  And he absolutely can do it himself.  Period.
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    scrunchythiefscrunchythief member
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    He might have 10 minutes, but there is a chance that it's not enough.  With my anxiety, there's been times I can't make seemingly simple phone calls or send emails without help.  It can take me several times longer to do things without putting myself close to a breakdown.  So I sympathize with having trouble finding the time to have potentially difficult or awkward conversations.

    It seems unlikely in this case, since OP didn't mention anything like this, but just playing devil's advocate:)   
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    missJeanLouisemissJeanLouise member
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    I agree with almost everyone else, if he deems it important he will figure out a way to find the time. Human beings find time for what is important to them. He just doesn't want to. Which I get! I don't want to talk to my mom that much either sometimes.
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    scrunchythiefscrunchythief member
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    LondonLisa said:
    scrunchythief said:
    He might have 10 minutes, but there is a chance that it's not enough.  With my anxiety, there's been times I can't make seemingly simple phone calls or send emails without help.  It can take me several times longer to do things without putting myself close to a breakdown.  So I sympathize with having trouble finding the time to have potentially difficult or awkward conversations.

    It seems unlikely in this case, since OP didn't mention anything like this, but just playing devil's advocate:)   
    Again, this is a very small minority that may have this. He may also not have arms to dial the phone with or be bewitched with his mouth sewn shut like in "hocus pocus". 

    Even if he had a similar issue as you do, OP could help plan for 20 min and they could have a 5 minute convo. Or she could help him draft an email. Done.

    There comes a point where OPs fi needs to either just do it, or not count on that money. 

    These excuses are getting a little ridiculous. 
    After rereading the OP, I fully agree with you now. I missed the part where he's still making decisions about the wedding, counting on that money.  I either wouldn't be able to make decisions, or I'd stop counting on the money, with my issues.

    The bolded also reminded me of hyperbole and a half:)


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    thatgirl7thatgirl7 member
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    He needs to bring it up with his parents not you.  Too busy to talk about? Don't buy that for a second.  It's not like it will take hours to talk about this.  

    I wouldn't count on any of that money until you have a check.  Otherwise continue to plan and don't make decisions based on that money. 
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