poll re: finances

*Barbie* · April 2016

If you and your SO have combined finances (joint accounts) - does one of you manage the transactions on that account, or do you share the responsibility?

ShesSoCold · April 2016

This is so appropriately timed. I manage our money. H doesn't have any interest in knowing anything about it, yet he thinks it's okay to use his card ALL THE FUCKING TIME for literally nothing. Last month he spent over $1,000 on fast food and gas station snacks. This is in addition to the $50/week cash we each get (and agreed to).

Okay, I'm a huge jerk. As I was typing this, H arrived at my office with a frosty for me. As I'm here all fuming and he's trying to do a nice thing because he genuinely feels terrible. The last two days haven't been good. Monday I chewed his ass out because of the money he spends and the things we cannot do because of this. Yesterday I told him how shitty and stressful it is for me to be "in charge" of everything. Money, food, household chores, the dog. Everything. Not only does it suck that he can't even get the dog's nails trimmed without me harassing him for two weeks, but I hate having to feel like a total ass or like his mom.

There's going to be a major overhaul at the Cold household.

SaintPaulGal · April 2016

We have a hybrid system of combined and separate expenses (not married yet, but I expect things will continue relatively unchanged once we are.) We each have our own money that we use for our own hobbies/lunches at work/etc. that do not involve the other. Then for shared expenses we use a joint credit card that is in his name with me as an authorized user, since he has phenomenal credit and mine is just averagely-good. The house payment and all utilities are in my name and I make all the payments, since I already owned the house before we were serious. At the end of the month we split everything in half and figure out who owes the other. I like our system because it is shared but still allows for autonomy.

thefanciestbeckler · April 2016

Technically I manage the money, i.e. I pay all of the bills. I am way more organized than DH is. If he was in charge of paying the bills, our water and electricity would be shut off almost every month. Lol.

However, I selected the shared responsibility option because I inform him of everything that is paid and we both keep an eye on the balance in our account. We've only been married a little over 6 months so we are still kind of getting used to things, but in general it's working well for us right now.

@ShesSoCold my DH is the same way. He stops at a gas station nearly every day for either soda, snacks, or cigarettes. It drives me insane.

ShesSoCold · April 2016

We currently don't have a computer so I'm thinking of being all old-timey and writing down everything in a notebook. Every dollar in, every dollar out. So we can keep better track of it throughout the month and H can also have access to it. He has access to everything now, but he doesn't use it. If it was on paper, maybe he would.

NOLABridesmaid · April 2016

Mrs. Cold

Could you both meet with a financial advisor together? Maybe, hearing the hard facts from an outside person may help him get on board. It sounds like he might bury his head in the sand because he doesn't know the day to day financial information.

*Barbie* · April 2016

We share - essentially 50/50. We each have a set of bills that we pay every month (from a joint account). We also each have a credit card where we are the primary and the other person is authorized - we split costs across the cards for joint purchases and use them for individual purchases (gifts). We use our cc for EVERYTHING and pay them off in full each month (points = cash back & hotel nights). We both have a good handle of what is in the joint accounts, and what the balance is on the CCs.

I'm asking because of my SIL that is in the process of getting divorced - she paid no attention to the finances, and her H has taken nearly $100K out of their joint accounts over the past 2 years, most of which is unaccounted for. (He *is* the primary breadwinner, so he considers this "his" money, and won't tell her what he did with it.) I can't believe that someone could be that much in the dark on their financial situation.

*Barbie* · April 2016

@ShesSoCold - would your H consider giving up the credit card and switching over to a prepaid credit card/gift card to better track his spending? (e.g. if you each get $50/week, give him a $50 mastercard and see how far he gets into the week. He'll probably be surprised.)

ShesSoCold · April 2016

Nola, we have. It didn't really help, maybe we should see a better one.

H is really bad with money and he knows it. He's perfectly happy depositing a check into an account and me taking it from there. He's really proud of me (I wish I could think of wording that doesn't make him seem like he's my dad) for achieving our financial goals and how I take care of our finances. He doesn't think there's anything wrong.

I typically don't either, but it all slapped me in the face this week because I realized how stressful it is for me and how shitty it makes me feel to tell him "no, we can't afford that" (especially since we can't afford it because of the amount spent on food). He's never once told me that. I don't want to be "that guy".

We've had the "You spend too much money and I want to smother you with a pillow" discussion 1,000 times. But this is the first time I've told him how shitty it makes me feel. I think he's going to get it. If not, I might finally smother him with that pillow.

princessleia22 · April 2016

I manage all the finances. DH doesn't want to have anything to do with them, but he has full access to everything and a very general understanding of what our bills are and where our finances stand. But, even though he has it set up to easily check account balances and everything on his phone, if he wants to buy something he still will text me to ask if we have money in the account for it instead of looking it up himself.

@ShesSoCold - I 100% know what you mean. Last month I sat down and really went through our budget and looked at every transaction. We keep saying that we want to buy a house, but we can never seem to get our savings in order for a good down payment... and we make enough between us that we should be able to save more than we do. DH spends an unbelievable amount at gas station (on soda or snacks, not just gas), fast food, and just stupid unnecessary stuff. Plus, we had a habit of going out to eat a lot, because we were both tired after work. I told him that he needs to try to cut his spending down to $600 a month (not including gas in his car). I spend very little because my work pays for my gas and I live close enough that I go home for lunch, so his spending was the spot to cut. He did manage to cut back, although he still went over budget. It's tough because I don't want to feel like I'm mandating his spending or nag him to spend less. But, since he doesn't want to be involved at all, it's kind of what it ends up feeling like.

TrixieJess · April 2016

Right now I'm the sole breadwinner, FI is a SAHD. I handle the finances but I let him know how much is in the account and what's coming out.

That being said, we just had a big kerfuffle because he forgot to tell me his Visa bill was due and I had to scramble to move payments around so that it would get paid. Then I added it to our account so I can pay it with the rest of the bills instead of "when FI remembers".

bleve0821 · April 2016

@ShesSoCold my FI used to be like that, until I got so sick and tired of it I made a spreadsheet and started tracking every. single. dollar. It's such a pain in the ass to do, it takes forever, and if I even get a week behind I'm screwed (I'm 3 now and I'm thinking about saying to hell with it until after the wedding)... But it's absolutely helped us figure out what is going where. He had no idea he was spending so much until he saw the breakdown.

I guess technically I keep tabs on our finances, but we're both pretty much equal partners when it comes to bills and major expenses. CCs PIF every month, I pay the mortgage, he handles the utilties, etc. No joint account yet, although that's primarily due to laziness on our part.

ShesSoCold · April 2016

Ugh my inability to quote is annoying. Barbie, he took all his cards out of his wallet on Monday. We've both been doing well with getting $50 each on Fridays at the bank so he has the cash for the next week.

I haven't wanted him to just cut up his cards because he still needs to buy shit. Him not carrying any cards means that I have to buy dog food, stop for groceries, etc. Also, he's an electrician so he always works in different locations and sometimes he unexpectedly works late. I'd rather pay a little more on the cards than have him be SUPER hungry on a night he had to work late and was out of cash.

OurWildKingdom · April 2016

This month is the first one that FW's checks (VA benefits and SSDI) are going into my account, where my pay checks also go. We paid the bills together, we had cash for both of us, and I saved receipts from any shopping I did. Neither of us is great at managing money, but she's more comfortable with me managing it with input from her.

missJeanLouise · April 2016

@ShesSoCold 'so you need a budget' is a good tracking tool. Mint is cool because it automatically syncs up with your bank accounts and credit cards.

we each have our own checking/savings account and then a joint account for bills and joint activities. I pay the utilities from our joint account and he pays all the credit cards since he is the only who uses them. I put my last check of the month in the joint account (I get paid weekly) and that covers my 1/2 of the rent and my car insurance. He technically pays all the utilities since my check doesn't stretch that far but he makes 4x what I make so it works out I guess.

charlotte989875 · April 2016

We share everything. I have a higher income so that goes to our checking and exp see, Hs check goes right into savings and we only transfer from it if there is a big payment we need to make. That really helped with saving for a down payment since if it wasn't in the checking account it was harder to spend it. @princessleia22 do either of you have direct deposit where you can send more to a savings every month? THis really helped us think more about what we were spending because we had to actually move money over rather than just having it in there.

We we do have separate credit cards (we're each authorized on the accounts but I don't carry cards to his and vice versa) and we like to have zero balances on there so we rarely use them. Mainly we use them for business travel that is reimbursed after the fact.

@ShesSoCold, when we first moved in together I was much more of a spender (I love shoes and purses) but when H put everything in a spreadsheet and showed me how much I was spending I was super embarrassed. He didn't do it in a mean way it's just that I didn't realize how much $40 here and $50 there was adding up.

CMGragain · April 2016

I know this isn't popular, but DH is a control freak engineer, and he insists on managing the account. He would share information with me if I asked. At this point, we have enough money that I don't need to ask about spending it unless it is a major expense, like our travels. He tells me the balance every month.

ernursej · April 2016

We have completely separate finances. Both our names appear on mortgage and rest of the bills. Each of us has bills that we pay and then monthly, one of us does a transfer payment to the other to ensure that we split things 50/50. Nothing will change when we get married. We have a monthly meeting to discuss the finances and figure out what our goals are for upcoming month and see if we are on track for our long term goals. Anything over $100 that is for the both of us is always discussed ahead of time. Otherwise, FI does what he wants with his money and I do what I want with my money. We have a very similar idea of priorities so this works well for us.

CMGragain · April 2016

charlotte989875 said:

We share everything. I have a higher income so that goes to our checking and exp see, Hs check goes right into savings and we only transfer from it if there is a big payment we need to make. That really helped with saving for a down payment since if it wasn't in the checking account it was harder to spend it. @princessleia22 do either of you have direct deposit where you can send more to a savings every month? THis really helped us think more about what we were spending because we had to actually move money over rather than just having it in there.

We we do have separate credit cards (we're each authorized on the accounts but I don't carry cards to his and vice versa) and we like to have zero balances on there so we rarely use them. Mainly we use them for business travel that is reimbursed after the fact.

@ShesSoCold, when we first moved in together I was much more of a spender (I love shoes and purses) but when H put everything in a spreadsheet and showed me how much I was spending I was super embarrassed. He didn't do it in a mean way it's just that I didn't realize how much $40 here and $50 there was adding up.

Ha! I just bought two purses! I buy mine used on Ebay. I bought a Dooney bag I wanted for $93 and a bag for my daughter. We had seen this bag at a Coach retail store a year ago, but no way would I spend THAT on a handbag. She thought it was the most beautiful bag she had ever seen, and kept talking about it. Lo, here it is on Ebay, new with tags, for half the price. I was so happy I could give it to her! She is having a tough pregnancy.

Sorry to get off topic. Your DH sounds like a gem.

6fsn · April 2016

Dh makes all of the money. A set amount goes into my account to pay all of the household bills. DH pays for the sports and extras and fun stuff. We have two accounts that both pop up when you log in. He uses one as primary I use the other. If we wanted to see what the other is doing we could. I never bother.

My paycheck goes straight to savings.

charlotte989875 · April 2016

@CMGragain he really is. And that's such a nice thing to do for your daughter, I hope she's doing all right in the pregnancy!

CMGragain · April 2016

charlotte989875 said:

@CMGragain he really is. And that's such a nice thing to do for your daughter, I hope she's doing all right in the pregnancy!

She'll be fine. I remember when I was miserable and pregnant (Maryland summers - blech!) and my next door neighbor gushed about how wonderful and full of life she felt when SHE was preggers. I wanted to punch her in the mouth! Big difference between a 6 lb. 2 oz. baby and a 10+ pounder!

kimmiinthemitten · April 2016

I chose special snowflake because we have a joint account for household expenses, but FI manages it 100%. We maintain separate accounts for our own stuff, because I'm like @ShesSoCold's H and he's responsible.

We bought a house last year and then the wedding this year, so our plan is to add a joint savings acount once were not spending my commission checks on furniture or deposits.

Greenjinjo · April 2016

We combined our finances last year when I started my new job. Pretty much everything is ON AP so it really manages itself. We are currently flatting and for once neither of us are 'flat mum' so we don't have to worry about sorting out the power bills or anything.

We have a sweet system at the moment where my pay (weekly) goes towards bills, rent, food and transport. Anything left goes towards the engagement ring. SO has his pay (monthly) pay off the credit card, top up any accounts that are low and the rest goes towards the house deposit.

Before we combined finances I wasn't very good at saving money. Now whenever one of us is going to make a purchase we usually run it by the other just to let them know. We budget everything and only go to the supermarket once a week with a meal plan (meals that can be had for 2 or 3 nights are the best. Cheaper, less cooking and less dishes!). The meal plan has really helped in that our wastage is almost nothing and our average weekly shop is $75NZD.

tawillers · April 2016

I said SS. I have always taken care of paying bills but DH is more than capable of doing them. He knows all the details he wants to know and can log in to anything whenever he wants. We discuss pretty much every expense beyond regular bills and household needs (groceries/toiletries/clothes/etc).

kvruns · April 2016

ernursej said:

We have completely separate finances. Both our names appear on mortgage and rest of the bills. Each of us has bills that we pay and then monthly, one of us does a transfer payment to the other to ensure that we split things 50/50. Nothing will change when we get married. We have a monthly meeting to discuss the finances and figure out what our goals are for upcoming month and see if we are on track for our long term goals. Anything over $100 that is for the both of us is always discussed ahead of time. Otherwise, FI does what he wants with his money and I do what I want with my money. We have a very similar idea of priorities so this works well for us.

we are the same except we don't check in with each other on purchases. That is when it is difficult having separate accounts I think. I got really mad at him for blowing a ton of $$ on a drone helicopter without telling me (and then promptly losing it 1 hour later). He's like well I didn't tell you because I knew you'd get mad and say no. Then of course there was the $300+ to replace the damn thing he lost. I've tried to tell him that even though our $$ is separate spending $1,000 on toys should be something we discuss together or other similar big purchases. His best retaliation is that I buy "purses". Umm yes, I've purchased one Coach bag for work at an outlet for $120 and maybe 3 wristlet purses for $40-50 each all in the last 4 years (as in total, not 3-4 items each year), yup totally the same thing. One of these days I'm convinced he will come home with a new car!

kittykyat · April 2016

missJeanLouise said:

@ShesSoCold 'so you need a budget' is a good tracking tool. Mint is cool because it automatically syncs up with your bank accounts and credit cards.

we each have our own checking/savings account and then a joint account for bills and joint activities. I pay the utilities from our joint account and he pays all the credit cards since he is the only who uses them. I put my last check of the month in the joint account (I get paid weekly) and that covers my 1/2 of the rent and my car insurance. He technically pays all the utilities since my check doesn't stretch that far but he makes 4x what I make so it works out I guess.

Re:the bolded- i LOVE Mint. I have a budget set-up for each type of transaction (groceries, eating out, entertainment, gas, shopping, you name it). Eating out has always been my biggest issue, and this app lets me track in real time how close to my budget I am throughout the month without having to write it down or keep in a spreadsheet. I have two credit cards and you can sync both of them.

In regards to the original question, I basically manage everything, but FI does know what is going on. This is mostly due to the fact that our now joint bills used to be only mine, so I have all the due dates memorized/have a system already in place. We use virtual wallet though, so he can log in on his phone at any time and see what all is going on.

lembaslover · April 2016

DH and I share everything and both have access to all accounts. We have the loose rule of just letting the other person know when you spend something (besides food/groceries, gas, necessities) over $20 and then verifying it's ok before buying if over $100. DH laughs at me b/c I usually tell him everything regardless of the price. Like last week I got an energy drink on my way to work and told him and he's like you really don't need to tell me if it's under $4. Then I bought a kindle book for $2 dollars and he was like ok if $4 is ok so is $2.

It's definitely been an adjustment going to joint counts. I never used to think of what I was buying. If I saw something I wanted (within reason) I got it. Now I think really hard on stuff and usually decide I don't need it and don't get it.

DH is kind of weird about money sometimes. He'll go into moods where he's like we're spending too much we need to eat ramen for a week. Then the next thing I know he's like lets go to Vegas or something. I think he's just adjusting too. He doesn't do it in a controlling way and we talk about it and meet somewhere in the middle. It's just kind of funny.

JamieLynn913 · April 2016

@ShesSoCold you sound JUST like me!!! Right now we both have separate accounts, but a joint account we are using for the wedding (anything wedding related comes out of this account) and so on. Once we are married we will probably keep our accounts for savings or whatnot but mainly have all the money come out of the joint.

Right now, the only thing that should be coming out of the joint account is wedding related things. (Checks to venues, buying centerpieces for the wedding etc) but every now and then I'll see withdraws or random charges. When I ask him about it, it's "oh that was for XYZ I need to put that back in there" like what in the actual hell! I'm sitting over here waiting for checks to clear and he just spends money. I'm like hello!!! So frustrating. I had to have him dial back on his spending the entire wedding process because he has this mind set "it will be fine, I don't know why you're stressing, you literally stress out for no reason" and then when something is due or it gets closer to being due he's like "well why didn't you tell me, you have to remind me"

scrunchythief · April 2016

We have a shared joint account, though I tend to do most of the managing. We each have our own credit cards, though we both have passwords to all of our financial accounts. This is so I can see his bill and make sure there's enough in the joint checking to pay it.

I love automatic billing. I generally have a good idea what the bill will be, so I can just make sure there's enough in the bank account, and then I don't have to worry. As much, since I still check.

@SheSoCold maybe trying to plan snacks, etc. in advance would help? Like buying packs of crackers or snacks or bottled drinks from the grocery store that your DH could keep in his car. My DH started eating out a lot for lunch, so I started to make sure I had his lunch made and we bought lots of canned soups that he keeps in his desk. That way we pay less for convenience without him going hungry.

Also, it sounds to me like you both could benefit from "renegotiating" how your household works. When we were doing marriage prep, we read "Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married," and it has a great chapter on managing the household. The TLDR of it is to both separately create lists of everything that needs to get done in the house, and combine them. Then, separately take the lists and initial the jobs you think you should do, and the jobs you think should be shared. Then, go over your lists together. Any differences are areas for negotiation.

ETA: Those of you who use Mint, how do you feel about the security of it? I love the concept, but I'm worried about giving access to bank accounts (and DH is even more paranoid about it).

TNDancer · April 2016

H and I have not yet had the energy to start combining finances/accounts. I moved into his house, so all the utilities were already on auto draft. I do all the grocery shopping, and any major household purchases, ie. adding a fence for the dog, new couch, etc.

I track all of my accounts in Quicken every month. I think that is one of his hesitations to going joint, because he thinks I will be too bossy about things. Also, we are doing pretty well right now and saving individually. I'm sure I would be minorly annoyed to know how much money he is giving to MIL etc.

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