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Would you ask her?

SaintPaulGalSaintPaulGal member
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in Wedding Party
I have a friend with whom I was extremely close from elementary through high school and into college.  When she got engaged I was her first call after her parents, and when she was married the summer after college graduation I was her maid of honor.  

Since then, our lives have gone in pretty different directions.  I'm having a hard time articulating what exactly is different with each of us now, but for one thing she has become much more of a homebody and I have become much less of one.  It's a classic case of drifting apart.  Well, we live in the same city after each having moved here from our small hometown as adults.  I see her at mutual friends' events, and it is always fun to catch up.  

She and her husband will absolutely be invited to the wedding, but I am having a hard time deciding whether to ask her to be a bridesmaid.  My first inclination would be no, since she is no longer in the nearest-and-dearest category and I know wedding party invitations aren't tit for tat.  But I would hate for her feelings to be hurt, and it wouldn't bother me in the slightest to go from 2 to 3 attendants.  Also in the mix is the fact that when a mutual friend got married a year before she did, she expressed hurt at not being asked to stand up at their wedding, so I know being in the bridal party means something to her.  Although that was almost 10 years ago, so who knows how her opinions may have changed.

So what would you folks do?  Ask her for old times' sake and to avoid potential hurt feelings, or leave it alone?
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Re: Would you ask her?

  • CMGragainCMGragain member
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    No one has the right to expect to be in a bridal party.  No.
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  • SaintPaulGalSaintPaulGal member
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    I'm aware that no one has any right to expectations or demands.  But that is hardly the most compassionate outlook on the situation.  We may not be the dear friends we once were, but there was a solid decade-plus where we were like sisters.  I still care about her, and I would never want to cause her pain.

    What I really want to know is whether or not she would be hurt if I didn't ask her.  Obviously that isn't a question anyone here can answer, and there is no possible way to ask the one person who could answer it.  So instead I hope to hear from people who may have dealt with a similar situation.
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
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    Don't ask her. You aren't close! Right now you have a pleasant friendly relationship. No faster way to ruin it than by forcing a closeness that isn't there. 
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  • missfrodomissfrodo member
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    If I was the friend, I might be a little sad if you didn't ask me and we were super close right now.  But if I don't really talk to someone outside of mutual social gatherings, I would not expect to be a BM, even if we'd grown up together.  Unless she's constantly trying to meet up with you and build your relationship back up, I'm sure she realizes you've grown apart.  If she gets offended, that's her fault for being petty about it.  
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  • JediElizabethJediElizabeth member
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    edited April 2016
    SaintPaulGal said:
    I'm aware that no one has any right to expectations or demands.  But that is hardly the most compassionate outlook on the situation.  We may not be the dear friends we once were, but there was a solid decade-plus where we were like sisters.  I still care about her, and I would never want to cause her pain.

    What I really want to know is whether or not she would be hurt if I didn't ask her.  Obviously that isn't a question anyone here can answer, and there is no possible way to ask the one person who could answer it.  So instead I hope to hear from people who may have dealt with a similar situation.
    I'm in a similar situation. I have one friend just like this: we were close through elementary school and high school, drifted apart in college, and now that we live close together again (after a decade not), we see each other semi-regularly and love catching up. Despite not being close, I could not imagine not asking her to be a BM. It was a super easy choice for me.

    Given that you don't seem that dead set on having her beside you, I wouldn't. It sound like adding extra drama to a pleasant relationship that doesn't need it, as @STARMOON44 said.

    To the bolded: She's an adult, and has been for a while.  I wouldn't make any judgments based off a comment from a decade ago, when she was (I assume) young enough not to know better. I highly doubt she'll be upset if she's not in your bridal party, especially if you're having a rather small one!

    (edited because words have meanings, and sometimes I forget them)
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  • SP29SP29 member
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    I agree that unless your first instinct was, "I MUST ask Susie!", I wouldn't.

    Your relationship has changed- and that's OK. I agree with not forcing closeness where it isn't. Asking her to be your BM isn't going to magically make you closer if you weren't already headed there. If anything, it can bring up stress.

    You are still free to invite her to your shower and bachelorette, if someone offers to host one for you. You are free to invite her to go get your nails done together before the wedding, if that's something you'd like. It doesn't have to be all or none.

    Will your friend feel hurt? Maybe. Maybe not. No one can answer that question. I know you said she expressed hurt before over a similar situation, but that was 10 years ago. And while she is free to feel any emotion she wants to, at any time, it doesn't make it your responsibility to accept that emotion to take action based on it.

    I asked my best friend to be my MOH- she was. When she got married, she didn't have a WP. Was I a teensy bit bummed out? Sure, for all of 30 seconds. But having a WP isn't what is important. I LOVED the wedding she had- very simple and to the point; it really was all about the bride and groom (while still properly hosting all guests). I was happy to attend. Myself and some friends still threw her a shower and bachelorette parties, because we wanted to. Not being in her WP didn't change our relationship.

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  • downtondivadowntondiva member
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    If you are not nearly as close to this friend as you once were, don't ask her. She may be disappointed, but I'm sure she's aware that your relationship has changed. It's unfortunate if her feelings are hurt, but you can't control how other people react to things. Don't use an event from 10 years ago to decide what actions you should or shouldn't take now.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    I wouldn't ask her.


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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
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    I'm also in the "no" camp. 




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  • glasgowtolondonglasgowtolondon member
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    Both my bridesmaids were no brainers for me. I feel like if there's a question mark for you then she shouldn't be in your WP. If you really want to include her she could always do a reading at the ceremony.
                 
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
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    edited April 2016
    I don't think you should ask anyone with whom you have to "catch up" at mutual friends' gatherings. If you don't do things with just her, she is not a close enough friend to be a bridesmaid, IMO.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten member
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    I have a friend I've known my entire life. I will always consider her one of my best friends, but we go through cycles like right now when we're extremely close (her father just lost a 6 month battle to cancer) but most of the time we're not. I didn't ask her, and I don't believe she's hurt by it. 

    With th that said, the title of your post alone made me say no. I knew immediately who I wanted to ask. 
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
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    I had pretty much the same situation. I was MOH for my college roommate because we were very close when she got married in 2002. Fast forward to my wedding, we were still friends, but had really drifted apart over the years. She was invited as a guest, but not in the wedding party. All was good, and we are still friends.

    If she was making comments about weddings 10 years ago, I would assume that you're at least 30. It's childish to get your feelings hurt about a wedding party to start with, but by 30 you should be able to expect that she won't act that way. (I know people can act childish at any age, but it's fair to assume she won't.)
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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
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    You don't have to decide this second - It's really up to you and you alone since you know the dynamics of your friendship far more clearly than can be articulated here.  IMO - wait to ask everyone for now until you have your details solidified in regard to the wedding - you can always put out feelers such as calling to let her know you're getting married.  Yes, WP invites aren't tit for tat, and you never know what the circumstances are for the shift to being more of a homebody, but the question is still only one you can decide upon.  Or, you could find another way to involve her in the day if you truly want her there with you but not in a BM capacity (Usher, Reader, etc.)... 
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  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
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    The fact is, when people were at one time close, they may be hurt due to not being asked to be a bridesmaid. I was that person once, and recently, another good friend of mine who I didn't ask was hurt by me not asking. 
    I believe the hurt comes from a recognition of not being as close and a regret of letting a close friendship slip.
    But the fact of the matter is we're all adults. We get over stuff. I got over being hurt; my friend-- after she confronted me about it-- felt better that she said her peace and we agreed to make better effort to hang out more. 
    No doubt about it, choosing a bridal party is a public ranking of friendship. But, it also represents a moment in time, not a lifetime. 

    If you are no longer close, don't ask her. Life will go on. 
    ________________________________


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  • bleve0821bleve0821 member
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    One of my BMs used to be a dear friend.  We've drifted apart over the years, but we still try to keep in touch (we're both very lazy about it).  We don't really "catch up" when we're together, but we're not huge parts of each others' lives anymore.  When I got engaged, she was the first person I wanted to call (she's not even my MOH), and there was no doubt in my mind I wanted her to stand by my side.  If you're asking yourself if you have to have her as a BM in your wedding, then it sounds like you already have your answer.

    This isn't really something you need to think about or dwell on.  You just know in your heart if you want her to stand by your side or not.  You know your FI is the only one for you; apply that same logic to the people standing by your side.  She'll either be in that picture, or she won't.

    Go with your gut.  It hasn't evolved enough to second guess itself.


    "And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."
    --Philip Pullman

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  • SaintPaulGalSaintPaulGal member
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    Thank you all so much for taking the time to read and respond.  I appreciate all the advice given. 

    I think I will follow what everyone said and not ask her.  But MesmrEwe is right, I don't have to decide right now.  It is still over a year until the wedding, and time will tell what if anything changes in our relationship over that period.  I honestly wouldn't expect us to get any closer again, but there is still a lot of affection there and stranger things have happened.

    I do want to clear one thing up: I think I may have given the wrong impression when I said she was hurt to be excluded from our mutual friend's wedding.  She didn't have some huge hissy fit tantrum or anything.  She just privately confided in me--her closest friend--that it made her sad not to be included.
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