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HELP! Uninvite Bridesmaid/Cousin

I asked my first cousin to be a bridesmaid over a year before my wedding.   I am having a destination wedding in Florida. We are getting married on a Thursday and she is mad about taking time off of work. I understand that my wedding isn't as important to others as it is to me. But I asked her a year in advance and she said yes. Knowing that the wedding was in Florida on a Thursday. She has also complained about the cost. I asked her over a year before so that she could save. My bridesmaids will be responsible for their travel expenses and bridesmaids dress. I would like their presence at the rehearsal dinner and the ceremony but that's it. I'm not having an engagement party/bridal shower/etc.

Now, my wedding is 6mo away. A few months ago her and her sister have had a falling out. My cousin and her sister don't get along. She told me that if her sister comes she is NOT coming to my wedding. I invited both of them because they are my family. I love them both. I was really frustrated and felt like she gave me an ultimatum. She also said she is going to try to catch an early morning flight the day of my wedding to make the  5:30pm ceremony. 

Last night I only slept 2 hours because I am so stressed that I need to "choose" between family. I also don't want to be stressed out the day of my wedding wondering if my bridesmaid is going to catch her flight or not.  Is it wrong that I am considering asking my cousin to step down as a bridesmaid? I mean she might not come anyways..... :/

Re: HELP! Uninvite Bridesmaid/Cousin

  • Greenjinjo Greenjinjo New Zealand member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Leave the two sisters to sort out their drama. Who knows, they might resolve this and be cordial by the time the wedding comes around. A lot can change in 6 months. 

    Also, it is up to your bridesmaid about getting to the ceremony. I say sit back and try to not worry. 
    SP29InLoveInQueensthisismynickname2[Deleted User]
  • Every last bit of what @levioosa said!! 

    If she can't behave like an adult for the few hours of your wedding, that's on her.  So she has an early AM flight to Florida for your wedding - airline cancels flight, earliest she can get in on the rescheduled flight is 6PM, she cancels last second - what do you do - relax, feel bummed you spent money on the BM bouquet, remember it'll be fun to have to preserve for your wedding memories, and go about the wedding with enjoyment.  The only thing you can control is you showing up and enjoying yourself on the wedding day. 

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    SP29ernursejthisismynickname2
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer

    I asked my first cousin to be a bridesmaid over a year before my wedding.   I am having a destination wedding in Florida. We are getting married on a Thursday and she is mad about taking time off of work. I understand that my wedding isn't as important to others as it is to me. But I asked her a year in advance and she said yes. Knowing that the wedding was in Florida on a Thursday. She has also complained about the cost. I asked her over a year before so that she could save. My bridesmaids will be responsible for their travel expenses and bridesmaids dress. I would like their presence at the rehearsal dinner and the ceremony but that's it. I'm not having an engagement party/bridal shower/etc.

    Now, my wedding is 6mo away. A few months ago her and her sister have had a falling out. My cousin and her sister don't get along. She told me that if her sister comes she is NOT coming to my wedding. I invited both of them because they are my family. I love them both. I was really frustrated and felt like she gave me an ultimatum. She also said she is going to try to catch an early morning flight the day of my wedding to make the  5:30pm ceremony. 

    Last night I only slept 2 hours because I am so stressed that I need to "choose" between family. I also don't want to be stressed out the day of my wedding wondering if my bridesmaid is going to catch her flight or not.  Is it wrong that I am considering asking my cousin to step down as a bridesmaid? I mean she might not come anyways..... :/

    Yes, it's wrong.
    You can't require her to attend the rehearsal.  It's fine if she wants to fly in the day of the wedding to minimize time off work and financial loss.  If she doesn't show up at all she doesn't show up at all.  It doesn't affect you or your wedding.  You'll still be married, you'll just have one fewer person standing next to you. 
    She has no right to tell you who to invite to your wedding.  Go ahead and invite them both and let her decide not to come if it's that important to her.  But what do you mean that you already invited them both?  Your wedding is six months away.  Do you mean that you sent them both STDs?



    InLoveInQueens
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer

    I asked my first cousin to be a bridesmaid over a year before my wedding.   I am having a destination wedding in Florida. We are getting married on a Thursday and she is mad about taking time off of work. I understand that my wedding isn't as important to others as it is to me. But I asked her a year in advance and she said yes. Knowing that the wedding was in Florida on a Thursday. She has also complained about the cost. I asked her over a year before so that she could save. My bridesmaids will be responsible for their travel expenses and bridesmaids dress. I would like their presence at the rehearsal dinner and the ceremony but that's it. I'm not having an engagement party/bridal shower/etc.

    Now, my wedding is 6mo away. A few months ago her and her sister have had a falling out. My cousin and her sister don't get along. She told me that if her sister comes she is NOT coming to my wedding. I invited both of them because they are my family. I love them both. I was really frustrated and felt like she gave me an ultimatum. She also said she is going to try to catch an early morning flight the day of my wedding to make the  5:30pm ceremony. 

    Last night I only slept 2 hours because I am so stressed that I need to "choose" between family. I also don't want to be stressed out the day of my wedding wondering if my bridesmaid is going to catch her flight or not.  Is it wrong that I am considering asking my cousin to step down as a bridesmaid? I mean she might not come anyways..... :/

    Yes, it's wrong.
    You can't require her to attend the rehearsal.  It's fine if she wants to fly in the day of the wedding to minimize time off work and financial loss.  If she doesn't show up at all she doesn't show up at all.  It doesn't affect you or your wedding.  You'll still be married, you'll just have one fewer person standing next to you. 
    She has no right to tell you who to invite to your wedding.  Go ahead and invite them both and let her decide not to come if it's that important to her.  But what do you mean that you already invited them both?  Your wedding is six months away.  Do you mean that you sent them both STDs?



  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited April 2016

    I asked my first cousin to be a bridesmaid over a year before my wedding.   I am having a destination wedding in Florida. We are getting married on a Thursday and she is mad about taking time off of work. I understand that my wedding isn't as important to others as it is to me. But I asked her a year in advance and she said yes. Knowing that the wedding was in Florida on a Thursday. She has also complained about the cost. I asked her over a year before so that she could save. My bridesmaids will be responsible for their travel expenses and bridesmaids dress. I would like their presence at the rehearsal dinner and the ceremony but that's it. I'm not having an engagement party/bridal shower/etc.

    Now, my wedding is 6mo away. A few months ago her and her sister have had a falling out. My cousin and her sister don't get along. She told me that if her sister comes she is NOT coming to my wedding. I invited both of them because they are my family. I love them both. I was really frustrated and felt like she gave me an ultimatum. She also said she is going to try to catch an early morning flight the day of my wedding to make the  5:30pm ceremony. 

    Last night I only slept 2 hours because I am so stressed that I need to "choose" between family. I also don't want to be stressed out the day of my wedding wondering if my bridesmaid is going to catch her flight or not.  Is it wrong that I am considering asking my cousin to step down as a bridesmaid? I mean she might not come anyways..... :/

    1.  You wouldn't have this problem if you hadn't been so foolish as to select your wedding party more than a year in advance.

    2.  The proper response to your cousin's demand was "Oh, we will miss you at the wedding, then."

    3.  If you ask your cousin to step down, that makes YOU the rude person.  Don't do it.  You were silly enough to ask her too early.  Now you take the consequences.

    4.  So what, if she doesn't show up?  Your problem will be solved, won't it?

    5.  A destination wedding on a Thursday will be inconvenient for everybody.  I suspect many of your guests are secretly grumbling about your plans.  You weren't thinking about other people when you made your plans, were you?  You have the right to plan your wedding as you wish, but you shouldn't be surprised that someone is upset about how expensive and difficult it will be to attend it.
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    YogaSandy
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Where is she traveling from? 

    She doesn't need to be there for the rehearsal. I see no problem with her traveling the day of the wedding. Your ceremony isn't starting until 5:30. If she doesn't make it in time, oh well! Guess what - you'll still be able to get married! 

    Stay out of the drama with her and her sister. Let them work it out themselves. And absolutely do not ask her to step down or uninvite her! That's so incredibly rude and you'll damage your relationship. Is that really worth it, over ONE day?

  • Aside from everything else that PPs have covered, missing the rehearsal is not a big deal. Unless you have a massively complicated ceremony, I'm sure your cousin can figure it out.  We had a GM who couldn't make the rehearsal and he managed to walk in and stand up at the ceremony by H just fine. 
    --

    lnixon8MesmrEwe
  • Another vote to just stay out of drama & tell her that you love them both and that you will not un-invite either of them due to the situation between them & you would love to see both of them. You can offer if you wish to make sure they aren't seated near each other at the reception to limit their interactions.

    If she complains again about the price, time off of work, etc. Just politely say, I get that this is an expensive commitment, which is why I asked over a year ago. If this is more then you are comfortable with and would prefer to be a guest instead of a bridesmaid so that you don't have to buy a BM dress to help on the time commitment and cost, I would totally understand and respect that. I will miss you as a BM, but it's more important that you are just there. Then it leave everything in her ball court.

    If she says she'll be a BM but becomes a no show, remember, you don't need her there to get married. It will be sad, but it's her that is losing out on sharing a major moment in your life. But if she is there or not, will not impact if your wedding happens or not.

    SP29
  • princessleia22princessleia22 Oceanfront Property in Arizona member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    Aside from everything else that PPs have covered, missing the rehearsal is not a big deal. Unless you have a massively complicated ceremony, I'm sure your cousin can figure it out.  We had a GM who couldn't make the rehearsal and he managed to walk in and stand up at the ceremony by H just fine. 
    This.  I didn't even have a rehearsal for our wedding.  Our wedding coordinator talked the wedding party through the process about 15 minutes before the ceremony.  Then she talked me through it as we walked from my dressing room to the ceremony. Everything went perfectly fine.  If your cousin misses the rehearsal, it shouldn't be that difficult to talk her through the basics.  And unless she's MOH and entering first, really her role is just to follow behind someone else and do whatever they do, right?

    I think everyone else has the rest of it covered.

    image 

    LuckyStarandHoneyBunny
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited April 2016
    OK, ladies. I apologize.  You are right.  I still think it's a bad idea to select the wedding party more than a year in advance, though.
    Personally, I don't have relationships change that much.  My friends stay my friends.  Relatives, though - you are stuck with them.
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    lnixon8
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    CMGragain said:
    OK, ladies. I apologize.  You are right.  I still think it's a bad idea to select the wedding party more than a year in advance, though.
    Personally, I don't have relationships change that much.  My friends stay my friends.  Relatives, though - you are stuck with them.
    Assuming you are an adult, you are as free to refuse to associate with a toxic relative as you are to refuse to associate with any other toxic person. So no, you are not "stuck" with toxic relatives.
    ahoyweddingSP29PrettyGirlLostLuckyStarandHoneyBunny
  • Jen4948 said:
    CMGragain said:
    OK, ladies. I apologize.  You are right.  I still think it's a bad idea to select the wedding party more than a year in advance, though.
    Personally, I don't have relationships change that much.  My friends stay my friends.  Relatives, though - you are stuck with them.
    Assuming you are an adult, you are as free to refuse to associate with a toxic relative as you are to refuse to associate with any other toxic person. So no, you are not "stuck" with toxic relatives.
    CMG didn't say toxic.
    FIL can be an asshole but he is not toxic and I would not refuse to associate with him just because he says ignorant things on occasion. He's my husbands dad


    madamerwinILoveBeachMusicSP29
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited April 2016
    lnixon8 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    CMGragain said:
    OK, ladies. I apologize.  You are right.  I still think it's a bad idea to select the wedding party more than a year in advance, though.
    Personally, I don't have relationships change that much.  My friends stay my friends.  Relatives, though - you are stuck with them.
    Assuming you are an adult, you are as free to refuse to associate with a toxic relative as you are to refuse to associate with any other toxic person. So no, you are not "stuck" with toxic relatives.
    CMG didn't say toxic.
    FIL can be an asshole but he is not toxic and I would not refuse to associate with him just because he says ignorant things on occasion. He's my husbands dad
    I was not talking about your FIL; nor does it matter whether or not CMGragain used the word "toxic." She was suggesting that people are "stuck" with relatives no matter what those relatives are like.

    And sorry, but people are not "stuck" with relatives.  They can make whatever adult decisions they want about their relationships with them, whether that involves limiting or minimizing those relationships, or not having any relationships with those people at all if they feel that staying in those relationships is not healthy.

    While it's nice that you want to stick with your husband's dad, nobody else has to make the same choice-especially if the relative in question is toxic.
    PrettyGirlLostLuckyStarandHoneyBunny
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited April 2016
    Hey. I had lots of toxic relatives.  I was stuck with them, but I moved 1100 miles away from them.  Yeah, they were still family.  At this point, I have outlived them.
    When you end relationships with friends, it is easier to walk away.  If you end relationships with family members, there will be fallout, and only you can decide if it is worth it.
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    PrettyGirlLostOurWildKingdom
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited April 2016
    CMGragain said:
    Hey. I had lots of toxic relatives.  I was stuck with them, but I moved 1100 miles away from them.  Yeah, they were still family.  At this point, I have outlived them.
    When you end relationships with friends, it is easier to walk away.  If you end relationships with family members, there will be fallout, and only you can decide if it is worth it.
    Not every family situation is like yours.  

    Fear of "fallout" should not stop anyone from ending relationships with toxic relatives if that's what it takes to preserve one's physical and mental health.  The world will not come to an end if there is "fallout."
    PrettyGirlLostLuckyStarandHoneyBunny
  • Jen4948 said:
    lnixon8 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    CMGragain said:
    OK, ladies. I apologize.  You are right.  I still think it's a bad idea to select the wedding party more than a year in advance, though.
    Personally, I don't have relationships change that much.  My friends stay my friends.  Relatives, though - you are stuck with them.
    Assuming you are an adult, you are as free to refuse to associate with a toxic relative as you are to refuse to associate with any other toxic person. So no, you are not "stuck" with toxic relatives.
    CMG didn't say toxic.
    FIL can be an asshole but he is not toxic and I would not refuse to associate with him just because he says ignorant things on occasion. He's my husbands dad
    I was not talking about your FIL; nor does it matter whether or not CMGragain used the word "toxic." She was suggesting that people are "stuck" with relatives no matter what those relatives are like.

    And sorry, but people are not "stuck" with relatives.  They can make whatever adult decisions they want about their relationships with them, whether that involves limiting or minimizing those relationships, or not having any relationships with those people at all if they feel that staying in those relationships is not healthy.

    While it's nice that you want to stick with your husband's dad, nobody else has to make the same choice-especially if the relative in question is toxic.
    Do you think OP's cousin is toxic?


  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    lnixon8 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    lnixon8 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    CMGragain said:
    OK, ladies. I apologize.  You are right.  I still think it's a bad idea to select the wedding party more than a year in advance, though.
    Personally, I don't have relationships change that much.  My friends stay my friends.  Relatives, though - you are stuck with them.
    Assuming you are an adult, you are as free to refuse to associate with a toxic relative as you are to refuse to associate with any other toxic person. So no, you are not "stuck" with toxic relatives.
    CMG didn't say toxic.
    FIL can be an asshole but he is not toxic and I would not refuse to associate with him just because he says ignorant things on occasion. He's my husbands dad
    I was not talking about your FIL; nor does it matter whether or not CMGragain used the word "toxic." She was suggesting that people are "stuck" with relatives no matter what those relatives are like.

    And sorry, but people are not "stuck" with relatives.  They can make whatever adult decisions they want about their relationships with them, whether that involves limiting or minimizing those relationships, or not having any relationships with those people at all if they feel that staying in those relationships is not healthy.

    While it's nice that you want to stick with your husband's dad, nobody else has to make the same choice-especially if the relative in question is toxic.
    Do you think OP's cousin is toxic?
    I don't know. But if she is, then minimizing or ending contact with her might be the healthiest thing for the OP to do.
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