Card baskets - are these presumptuous?

bizzy592 · April 2016

I've had 3 vendors offer to lend/rent us antique birdcages to hold cards brought by guests (I didn't know this was such a thing?). They look pretty, but I'm thinking that having a place for cards might look gift grabby. Thoughts?

kvruns · April 2016

not gift grabby at all, but rather it is a place for cards to be held on the gift table instead of just stacked in a pile with other boxed gifts. same reason that a gift table isn't grabby (as long as it is in the middle of the room with a big sign saying PUT GIFTS HERE), it provides a known place for guests who brought something to put it.

spockforprez · April 2016

kvruns said:

not gift grabby at all, but rather it is a place for cards to be held on the gift table instead of just stacked in a pile with other boxed gifts. same reason that a gift table isn't grabby (as long as it is in the middle of the room with a big sign saying PUT GIFTS HERE), it provides a known place for guests who brought something to put it.

Don't give the etiquette-challenged any ideas!

SP29 · April 2016

kvruns said:

not gift grabby at all, but rather it is a place for cards to be held on the gift table instead of just stacked in a pile with other boxed gifts. same reason that a gift table isn't grabby (as long as it is in the middle of the room with a big sign saying PUT GIFTS HERE), it provides a known place for guests who brought something to put it.

This. Keeps your cards together in a place they won't get lost.

Knottie1443721062 · April 2016

It's not gift grabby at all. I've never been to a wedding that didn't have some kind of card box.

aurianna · April 2016

I think it's ok because people bring cards and gifts to weddings. They just do, whether you expect it or not. It's more convenient for the guests to have a place to put these things instead of having to cart it around all night, have it take up precious space at the table, or possibly talk to a family or BP member they don't know well to figure out where to put the gift.
And I don't think it's a gift grab really, because in most cases by the time the guest comes to the wedding, it's too late to get a present. A guest isn't going to come in empty handed, see a card box and then think, "oh shoot!" and leave the wedding to go get something.
Also, cards don't necessarily have to have gifts in them. The couple having the expectation that some guests might want to give them well wishes in the form of a card is nothing like expecting piles of gifts and cash. *nod*

thisismynickname2 · April 2016

Depending on the venue too, you want a container of some sort for security. Many card boxes have a slit so you can't take anything out. Other card boxes are left totally open but obviously have a lid so someone can just close it and store it after all the guests have arrived and presumably left something.
The box can be stored out of the way at a venue along with any other gifts to avoid things being stolen.

jacques27 · April 2016

Cards =/= gifts. I never bring gifts (even monetary) to weddings (actually no one in my circle does - I didn't realize people did that until this site) because then the couple has to figure out how to keep it safe and transport it at the end of the night. It's a hassle. I always give it at the shower if invited or mailed directly to them before or after the wedding. I will, however, bring a congratulations card to the wedding. So no, it doesn't seem presumptuous because you can get cards without money in them. I do, however, side eye when it's part of a huge gift table front and center. You could keep the box out of the way near venue or catering staff. People will likely hand the cards directly to you then and you can periodically go drop them off in the box.

crowsgirl15 · April 2016

jacques27 said:

Cards =/= gifts. I never bring gifts (even monetary) to weddings (actually no one in my circle does - I didn't realize people did that until this site) because then the couple has to figure out how to keep it safe and transport it at the end of the night. It's a hassle. I always give it at the shower if invited or mailed directly to them before or after the wedding. I will, however, bring a congratulations card to the wedding. So no, it doesn't seem presumptuous because you can get cards without money in them. I do, however, side eye when it's part of a huge gift table front and center. You could keep the box out of the way near venue or catering staff. People will likely hand the cards directly to you then and you can periodically go drop them off in the box.

I was always under the impression that I was supposed to bring a gift to the shower AND give a separate wedding gift. Is that incorrect? (No snark intended, genuinely curious from people on here more etiquette-minded than me!)

banana468 · April 2016

crowsgirl15 said:

jacques27 said:

Cards =/= gifts. I never bring gifts (even monetary) to weddings (actually no one in my circle does - I didn't realize people did that until this site) because then the couple has to figure out how to keep it safe and transport it at the end of the night. It's a hassle. I always give it at the shower if invited or mailed directly to them before or after the wedding. I will, however, bring a congratulations card to the wedding. So no, it doesn't seem presumptuous because you can get cards without money in them. I do, however, side eye when it's part of a huge gift table front and center. You could keep the box out of the way near venue or catering staff. People will likely hand the cards directly to you then and you can periodically go drop them off in the box.

I was always under the impression that I was supposed to bring a gift to the shower AND give a separate wedding gift. Is that incorrect? (No snark intended, genuinely curious from people on here more etiquette-minded than me!)

I think this is a crowd / circle thing. My circle does both. If you're invited to the shower you give a shower gift and then you give a wedding gift which is either sent before the wedding or you give money the day of. I create a 'wedding gift budget' and spend 20 to 30% on the shower gift and the balance on the wedding gift.

I think this is one of those times that you can be practical and and plan ahead. This is why I roll my eyes when people say "You shouldn't expect gifts."

You shouldn't have your hand out but you should be prepared that people are going to give you things and you'll want to get them home. That doesn't mean that you walk to the guests when doing table visits and say, "I'm making a list. Did you give me anything??" but please make things convenient and safe for your guests by giving the a place where they can put cards and gift that they may happen to bring on the wedding day.

jacques27 · April 2016

crowsgirl15 said:

jacques27 said:

Cards =/= gifts. I never bring gifts (even monetary) to weddings (actually no one in my circle does - I didn't realize people did that until this site) because then the couple has to figure out how to keep it safe and transport it at the end of the night. It's a hassle. I always give it at the shower if invited or mailed directly to them before or after the wedding. I will, however, bring a congratulations card to the wedding. So no, it doesn't seem presumptuous because you can get cards without money in them. I do, however, side eye when it's part of a huge gift table front and center. You could keep the box out of the way near venue or catering staff. People will likely hand the cards directly to you then and you can periodically go drop them off in the box.

I was always under the impression that I was supposed to bring a gift to the shower AND give a separate wedding gift. Is that incorrect? (No snark intended, genuinely curious from people on here more etiquette-minded than me!)

Well, I was under the impression that wedding gifts are not actually required ( more tradition than anything) whereas literally the only reason for a shower is to give gifts. So, depending on my mood you get one big gift given at the shower (or mailed if I'm not invited to the shower or they aren't having one) or I'll split the budget and give you two smaller gifts (one at the shower and one given closer to the wedding). But my budget is my budget - so if I decide I'm spending $100 on you, that's all I'm spending regardless of whether it's one event or two. It's just a matter of how it's broken up and what item or items I'm most interested in giving to that particular couple.

ETA: I'm not claiming that my way is necessarily the hallmark of etiquette, just more explaining the practicalities and thought process of it.

ILoveBeachMusic · April 2016

I always give a wedding gift and a shower gift (if invited). Now with registries being on line, I usually order the wedding gift ahead of time and have it delivered. Before this was available, I would take the gift to the wedding if I attended or mailed it to the address on the invitation if I wasn't attending. I definitely prefer the on-line method. @jacques27 I think most people have a budget for gifts and break it up as you and @banana468 do.

thisismynickname2 · April 2016

banana468 said:

crowsgirl15 said:

jacques27 said:

Cards =/= gifts. I never bring gifts (even monetary) to weddings (actually no one in my circle does - I didn't realize people did that until this site) because then the couple has to figure out how to keep it safe and transport it at the end of the night. It's a hassle. I always give it at the shower if invited or mailed directly to them before or after the wedding. I will, however, bring a congratulations card to the wedding. So no, it doesn't seem presumptuous because you can get cards without money in them. I do, however, side eye when it's part of a huge gift table front and center. You could keep the box out of the way near venue or catering staff. People will likely hand the cards directly to you then and you can periodically go drop them off in the box.

I was always under the impression that I was supposed to bring a gift to the shower AND give a separate wedding gift. Is that incorrect? (No snark intended, genuinely curious from people on here more etiquette-minded than me!)

I think this is a crowd / circle thing. My circle does both. If you're invited to the shower you give a shower gift and then you give a wedding gift which is either sent before the wedding or you give money the day of. I create a 'wedding gift budget' and spend 20 to 30% on the shower gift and the balance on the wedding gift.

I think this is one of those times that you can be practical and and plan ahead. This is why I roll my eyes when people say "You shouldn't expect gifts."

To the bolded- this is what I do too. I learned it the awkward way; I was a bridesmaid once, gave a gift at a shower, and felt awkward when the other girls were giving the bride envelopes while we were getting ready because I didn't bring a second gift.

What I really loathe is an attitude that having a shower = more gifts. Not to me! The occasion is getting married. Engagement parties, showers, bachelorette parties, are all part of the wedding occasion. I will give you a gift because you got married. If I have to split the value of my gift and do multiple things because you invited me to multiple related events, then, yeah I'm splitting my gift. So it's usually a small registry item at the shower, and a check in a card at the wedding.

crowsgirl15 · April 2016

jacques27 said:

crowsgirl15 said:

jacques27 said:

Cards =/= gifts. I never bring gifts (even monetary) to weddings (actually no one in my circle does - I didn't realize people did that until this site) because then the couple has to figure out how to keep it safe and transport it at the end of the night. It's a hassle. I always give it at the shower if invited or mailed directly to them before or after the wedding. I will, however, bring a congratulations card to the wedding. So no, it doesn't seem presumptuous because you can get cards without money in them. I do, however, side eye when it's part of a huge gift table front and center. You could keep the box out of the way near venue or catering staff. People will likely hand the cards directly to you then and you can periodically go drop them off in the box.

I was always under the impression that I was supposed to bring a gift to the shower AND give a separate wedding gift. Is that incorrect? (No snark intended, genuinely curious from people on here more etiquette-minded than me!)

Well, I was under the impression that wedding gifts are not actually required ( more tradition than anything) whereas literally the only reason for a shower is to give gifts. So, depending on my mood you get one big gift given at the shower (or mailed if I'm not invited to the shower or they aren't having one) or I'll split the budget and give you two smaller gifts (one at the shower and one given closer to the wedding). But my budget is my budget - so if I decide I'm spending $100 on you, that's all I'm spending regardless of whether it's one event or two. It's just a matter of how it's broken up and what item or items I'm most interested in giving to that particular couple.

ETA: I'm not claiming that my way is necessarily the hallmark of etiquette, just more explaining the practicalities and thought process of it.

That's definitely how I treat wedding gifts too! If I am invited to a shower, and, thus, get a wedding and a shower gift, they are likely going to be smaller than if I just get a wedding gift. I was really just curious.

AddieCake · April 2016

Cards don't necessarily mean there's money inside. It's not gift grabby to have a place for people to drop their cards that keeps them together.

Jen4948 · April 2016

Well, under very strict etiquette you don't bring gifts to weddings (North American ones anyway), because you're supposed to send gifts before or after the wedding so that the couple aren't forced to figure out how to get them home from the reception after the wedding, but yes, many people do bring gifts to weddings anyway.

I think cards do constitute a type of "gift" but it makes sense to have some sort of holder for them and some secure place for people who do bring gifts to the wedding to deposit them. If the guests were greeted on first arriving by a big table covered with envelopes and wrapped packages, then yes, that might appear gift-grabby, but a table off to the side or in another room should be reasonable.

JediElizabeth · April 2016

Jen4948 said:

Well, under very strict etiquette you don't bring gifts to weddings (North American ones anyway), because you're supposed to send gifts before or after the wedding so that the couple aren't forced to figure out how to get them home from the reception after the wedding, but yes, many people do bring gifts to weddings anyway.

I think cards do constitute a type of "gift" but it makes sense to have some sort of holder for them and some secure place for people who do bring gifts to the wedding to deposit them. If the guests were greeted on first arriving by a big table covered with envelopes and wrapped packages, then yes, that might appear gift-grabby, but a table off to the side or in another room should be reasonable.

I don't think this applies to cards, because getting cards home is not a pain. In fact, I've heard of people sending gifts but bringing cards to the ceremony much more often than just sending cards.

(I actually didn't think it was an etiquette mandate, though, and not just a common practice. However, if it's about cards AND gifts, somewhere around 100% of the people I know are guilty of this faux pas.)

AddieCake · April 2016

I've never been to a wedding that didn't have a gift table, and not one single gift was sent to our house.

MesmrEwe · April 2016

For security purposes even if you have a small wedding - it is a VERY good idea to have something to put the cards into! There have been tons of stories of knotties who've had cards/gifts stolen and with cards oftentimes containing money, they're an easy "grab" without being noticed. There are tons of options out there other than bird cages if you google to get an idea. It doesn't need to be fancy or elaborate, it has to securely get the job done (ours was a "Nuc Box" - i.e. small beehive with a slit in it - someone would have looked a wee bit obvious if they tried to walk off with that!)..

MairePoppy · April 2016

Jen4948 said:

Well, under very strict etiquette you don't bring gifts to weddings (North American ones anyway), because you're supposed to send gifts before or after the wedding so that the couple aren't forced to figure out how to get them home from the reception after the wedding, but yes, many people do bring gifts to weddings anyway.

I think cards do constitute a type of "gift" but it makes sense to have some sort of holder for them and some secure place for people who do bring gifts to the wedding to deposit them. If the guests were greeted on first arriving by a big table covered with envelopes and wrapped packages, then yes, that might appear gift-grabby, but a table off to the side or in another room should be reasonable.

For me, it's more a common sense thing, rather than etiquette. If you're giving a boxed gift, send it to the home before or after the wedding. If you're bringing a card, which may or may not have money in it, it's nice to have a secure place to put that card. The card box won't look gift grabby.

At my own wedding, there were boxed gifts and cards. One of my mom's friends pestered us throughout the reception to open her boxed gift. She wanted a picture to commemorate the moment. She finally cornered us with the box and photographed us as we opened the odd throw pillow she crocheted.

And yes, I always give a shower gift from the registry and a separate gift for the wedding.

Image: http://i.giphy.com/11ZFEiSW35pFjq.gif

banana468 · April 2016

One point about the location of the card box / gift table: I'd want it in the main area. Having it in another room isn't convenient for guests who may have to walk to another place, most places that are halls don't have multiple rooms available for gift storage but the biggest one IMO is that having a gift table in another space makes it less secure.

Our gift table was off to the side in our main reception room. Most guests had to pass it on the way to their own tables but it wasn't in the center of the action.

kvruns · April 2016

scribe95 said:

I have heard this on here before - that it's rude to bring a physical boxed gift to the wedding. I find that odd. One of my favorite things is to buy a gift and wrap it really beautifully. I have taken boxed gifts to weddings dozens of times - and sat them on the table next to a bunch of other boxed gifts.

agreed, I always bring the gift to the wedding, I've never had anything mailed unless it was on backorder and the store agreed to ship for free.

MesmrEwe · April 2016

kvruns said:

scribe95 said:

I have heard this on here before - that it's rude to bring a physical boxed gift to the wedding. I find that odd. One of my favorite things is to buy a gift and wrap it really beautifully. I have taken boxed gifts to weddings dozens of times - and sat them on the table next to a bunch of other boxed gifts.

agreed, I always bring the gift to the wedding, I've never had anything mailed unless it was on backorder and the store agreed to ship for free.

This! Especially if there's potential for it to arrive while the B&G are on their honeymoon... Nothing says "We're not home" and "Thief's Dream" like a ton of delivery boxes outside the house... (At Christmas we had not one, but TWO different packages stolen from our front porch - and mind you, our front step is 100yards+ off the road)

banana468 · April 2016

kvruns said:

scribe95 said:

I have heard this on here before - that it's rude to bring a physical boxed gift to the wedding. I find that odd. One of my favorite things is to buy a gift and wrap it really beautifully. I have taken boxed gifts to weddings dozens of times - and sat them on the table next to a bunch of other boxed gifts.

agreed, I always bring the gift to the wedding, I've never had anything mailed unless it was on backorder and the store agreed to ship for free.

I'll say that while we received some boxed gifts at our wedding, the majority of gifts received on the wedding day and at the reception were in envelopes. Most of the physical gifts from the registry were sent to us and they were delivered before the wedding or right after it. Our neighbors actually helped us while we were on our mini moon so the gifts that were received stayed in his condo.

The reason that you're not supposed to bring gifts to the wedding is because it creates the "burden" (I use that term loosely) on the newlyweds of having to get the gifts home. In plenty of situations this may not be a big deal. In others, it's actually a logistical problem:
-We spent the wedding night in a hotel. My parents took their SUV and brought any gifts received back to their house which was far more secure than leaving gifts in the trunk of DH's car in a hotel parking lot.
-Some hotels are not as secure as you think they are. A friend told me the story that her mom's cards were stolen by hotel staff on her wedding night.
-In some areas, the couple and guests weren't taking their own vehicles to the reception. So the moving of gifts required the couple and/or their parents to rent taxis or other cars to get the gifts home. Think NYC where many people don't drive.
Also, while any gift can break at any time, I'm a big fan of sending a gift that if broken, will be replaced by the store. If it's broken because the FOG had a few too many shots of Sambuca in his espresso the couple are SOL.

That doesn't mean that you're bad if you take gifts to a wedding and if your circle does it then they may be prepared for it. But those are some of the supporting reasons for the etiquette rule.

MairePoppy · April 2016

scribe95 said:

I have heard this on here before - that it's rude to bring a physical boxed gift to the wedding. I find that odd. One of my favorite things is to buy a gift and wrap it really beautifully. I have taken boxed gifts to weddings dozens of times - and sat them on the table next to a bunch of other boxed gifts.

It's not that it's rude so much as it's impractical. With online registries, most people around here send their gifts to the home or bring cards to the wedding. There are usually a few wrapped gifts on the gift table, though.

ETA It's also impractical for guests who are using shuttles to and from hotel/ceremony/reception to carry boxed gifts.

MandyMost · April 2016

I have never seen a boxed gift at a wedding (mostly weddings in New England, but I've attended weddings from college friends all over the country; also I've attended weddings from very different "circles", age groups, and to put it bluntly, "classes" of people). Pretty much everyone brings a card, and pretty much every card has cash or check inside it. The cards always go into a card box--I've never seen a card handed to a bride or groom.

Typically at the cocktail hour people will be asking each other where to put the cards if it isn't totally obvious. The card box is usually put away somewhere safe after the cocktail hour when the reception starts.

lightningsnow · April 2016

I have never brought a gift to the wedding proper. For my BFF's wedding in two weeks, I'm traveling from NH to SD so I ordered the gift early and had it shipped to her house since I couldn't transport it myself.

SP29 · April 2016

I have also read from more than one source that a wedding gift should be shipped/delivered to the couple's home. Makes sense. Easier on transport for both parties (a guest has to hang on to, or store their gift, during the ceremony). I have also heard of gifts and cards being stolen from reception venues or cars in parking lots on more than one occasion.

However, I didn't know this until fairly recently. I thought a guest HAD to bring it to the wedding (more so that it would be rude not to, or it would look like the guest forgot).

DH and I went to a friends' wedding OOT and I forgot the gift at home. We purchased off their registry. There was a gap (bad I know, but at the time seemed like a blessing), so we found the store the couple was registered at in that city and re-bought our gift in order to bring it to the reception (returned the original gift). Would have saved us a lot of rushing around- but we seriously thought we'd be judged for showing up empty handed.

ILoveBeachMusic · April 2016

I think the thoughts on gifts at a wedding have changed over the years. I still don't think it is against etiquette to show up to a wedding with a box gift - it's a know your crowd kind of thing. Years ago, when most guests were local, the wedding was held in the Bride's hometown and on-line wasn't an option, many people brought gifts to a wedding. Why would a local guest pay to have a gift shipped a few streets over? I would hope a bride and groom would graciously accept gifts at a wedding and not side eye someone who is generous enough to give them a gift.

banana468 · April 2016

ILoveBeachMusic said:

I think the thoughts on gifts at a wedding have changed over the years. I still don't think it is against etiquette to show up to a wedding with a box gift - it's a know your crowd kind of thing. Years ago, when most guests were local, the wedding was held in the Bride's hometown and on-line wasn't an option, many people brought gifts to a wedding. Why would a local guest pay to have a gift shipped a few streets over? I would hope a bride and groom would graciously accept gifts at a wedding and not side eye someone who is generous enough to give them a gift.

I think you answered your question. Years ago when the couple were having a local wedding it was easy to drop off gifts a few streets over. The etiquette rule about not bringing gifts to the wedding hasn't changed. My mom told me that rule back before internet shopping was the thing that it is now.

But I think breaking this rule isn't quite as bad as breaking the no cash bar or no gap or splitting up couples at the head table rules. You're giving the couple something and they should accept your gift graciously.

thisismynickname2 · April 2016

Can we all just use common sense when gifting?

"Hm, might be a pain in the ass to bring this TV to the wedding and the couple is leaving for the airport that night after the reception so maybe I'll find another way to get it to them."
"Hm, I'm worried about my cash being stolen as that venue is sketchy, so I'll write a check instead. Then I'll know they got it."
"Oh look, they programmed their registry to ship gifts to the parents' house instead of their tiny apartment. Awesome. I'll just have this shipped."

Card baskets - are these presumptuous?

Re: Card baskets - are these presumptuous?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards