Honorary Bridesmaid

[Deleted User] · April 2016

I invited a very close cousin to be one of my bridesmaids. To my surprise, she declined with the response that she would be almost 9 months pregnant on my wedding day and would not feel comfortable in the dress, in pictures, etc. She also hinted that she was very stressed with having another baby within a year of her previous baby, and I am sure money would be tight. I was very understanding with her and told her I only wanted her to be happy and comfortable. I did not want this to change our relationship, and told her I would still consider her an honorary bridesmaid. Now we are getting closer to the wedding, and I still have one less bridesmaid than we have groomsmen. (I didn't feel right asking anyone as a "second choice".) I don't want anyone to ask questions or make anything uncomfortable (as people always do) and I was trying to think of a way we could honor her as a bridesmaid without putting the spotlight on her. I know its ridiculous to be worried about an uneven wedding party, but I can't deny that I would be curious if I were a guest. Any advice?

lnixon8 · April 2016

Have a margarita. She's not interested, and I think you're in the minority that would be curious about an uneven bridal party. I can't remember off the top of my head how many groomsmen H had and we've been married less than a year. if people ask you can tell them that youre not the type of bride/human to worry about nonsense like even sides, bridesmaids shoes etc.

charlotte989875 · April 2016

I couldn't honestly tell you if the 3 weddings I've been in (and the other two I attended) had even sides or not. This absolutely is not something to be worried about.

madamerwin · April 2016

Unless you have one bridesmaid and your FI has 12 groomsmen, no one will even notice the uneven sides, let alone question it. Like PPs, I have no clue how many bridesmaids or groomsmen were at any of the weddings I have attended in the last few years. It's just not something that most guests notice or care about.

If you are having programs for your ceremony and want to honor her, include her in your list of bridesmaids in your program. It sounds like you made sure she knew that you totally understood why she could not participate, but you should also be prepared for the fact that she may not attend at all - being 9 months pregnant means there is a good chance she can't travel/won't want to travel/will be in labor, etc.

[Deleted User] · April 2016

MRSGALKA said:

I invited a very close cousin to be one of my bridesmaids. To my surprise, she declined with the response that she would be almost 9 months pregnant on my wedding day and would not feel comfortable in the dress, in pictures, etc. She also hinted that she was very stressed with having another baby within a year of her previous baby, and I am sure money would be tight. I was very understanding with her and told her I only wanted her to be happy and comfortable. I did not want this to change our relationship, and told her I would still consider her an honorary bridesmaid. Now we are getting closer to the wedding, and I still have one less bridesmaid than we have groomsmen. (I didn't feel right asking anyone as a "second choice".) I don't want anyone to ask questions or make anything uncomfortable (as people always do) and I was trying to think of a way we could honor her as a bridesmaid without putting the spotlight on her. I know its ridiculous to be worried about an uneven wedding party, but I can't deny that I would be curious if I were a guest. Any advice?

Even sides are not a thing. Have a cupcake and a margarita and stop worrying about it. You asked your nearest and dearest to stand up with you. One of your nearest will be huge with child at the time of your wedding if she's able to attend at all. If anyone asks why you have fewer friends than your fiance has, tell them they're rude to even ask that and walk away.

scrunchythief · April 2016

You could still give her a bouquet or a corsage, to highlight her as an honored guest.

Knottie1443721062 · April 2016

The idea of giving her a corsage could be nice but no one will notice uneven sides. I went to 3 weddings last summer and I have no idea if the sides were even or not.

ei34 · April 2016

If you want to honor her as a bridesmaid, PP's suggestion for a corsage is very nice, or you could give her a gift when you give the rest of your bridal party their gifts. Guests do not notice uneven sides though, and if they did, it's not something that would stand out as wrong or bad. Definitely not something you should be worried about.

[Deleted User] · April 2016

Skip the title of honorary BM and just let her be a guest. Because with her being that far along, who knows if she will even feel up for attending. Obviously she has a special place in your heart, else you wouldn't have asked her to be a BM. If you are getting your nails done the week of your wedding, invite her along. All my friends who have had babies have enjoyed getting their nails done towards the end of their pregnancy, especially their feet. They say it's very relaxing. If you are going to the salon the day of your wedding, or having someone come to you, invite her along. Again, with being that far along, it might be nice for her to have that pampering. Basically invite her along for any of the fun/pampering type of stuff or even breakfast. But if she declines, respect that. Depending on how her pregnancy is going, I've been told each pregnancy is different, she may want to relax & have quiet time to herself as much as possible in the morning so that she can enjoy your ceremony and reception as much as possible. And make sure that you have the photographer get a nice photo of the two of you together so that you do have a photo with her on your special day.

LD1970 · April 2016

I notice almost everything everyone here says "no one notices." Seriously. Uneven sides, I notice, obviously, because I can see and I can count, but it's never even occurred to me to wonder about it, think about it, assume someone's got no friends because of it, nothing.

I myself had a MOH and 2 BMs, and my H had a BM and 3 GM, and not a single person asked us about it. No one cared. It's FINE. I promise.

glasgowtolondon · April 2016

LD1970 said:

I notice almost everything everyone here says "no one notices." Seriously. Uneven sides, I notice, obviously, because I can see and I can count, but it's never even occurred to me to wonder about it, think about it, assume someone's got no friends because of it, nothing.

I myself had a MOH and 2 BMs, and my H had a BM and 3 GM, and not a single person asked us about it. No one cared. It's FINE. I promise.

I mean, obviously everyone can count, but to actually even think to yourself 'okay, I see 3 bridesmaids and 6 groomsmen'? I've never done that at all. When I say I don't notice, I mean that unless I'm actually in the wp these uneven sides don't even occur to me. To be honest I never really knew it was a thing that people even considered till I came on here.

LD1970 · April 2016

glasgowtolondon said:

LD1970 said:

I notice almost everything everyone here says "no one notices." Seriously. Uneven sides, I notice, obviously, because I can see and I can count, but it's never even occurred to me to wonder about it, think about it, assume someone's got no friends because of it, nothing.

I myself had a MOH and 2 BMs, and my H had a BM and 3 GM, and not a single person asked us about it. No one cared. It's FINE. I promise.

I mean, obviously everyone can count, but to actually even think to yourself 'okay, I see 3 bridesmaids and 6 groomsmen'? I've never done that at all. When I say I don't notice, I mean that unless I'm actually in the wp these uneven sides don't even occur to me. To be honest I never really knew it was a thing that people even considered till I came on here.

I think we're saying the same thing in different ways. I always notice and usually find it interesting to see how people arranged how their friends and family walk in the processional/recessional. So I take note and interest, but in a positive way, same as I'll take note of the flowers they chose, the dresses, the jewelry, the hair styles, and everything else that doesn't matter in terms of having a great event, but is just there and obviously thought out as an element.

I won't remember any of it later, though. What I'll remember later is whether the food was good or bad, whether I was assigned to a table with cool or obnoxious people, and whether I liked the music and danced a lot, or wasn't so crazy about it.

ScottishSarah · April 2016

I always notice, assume one of the missing bridesmaids has been caught shagging the groom, drink 3 cocktails and then tell the bride this in the bathroom.

only joking you're fine OP, no one will even notice xxx

SP29 · April 2016

You could still include her name in the program (if you're having them) as one of your bridesmaids. Though I think people would question that more (not that there is anything wrong with it- you tell them she is imminently expecting), a "missing" bridesmaid vs none at all.

If she attends your wedding as a guest, you can get her a corsage. You can still take a special professional photo with her.

If she is local, you still invite her to pre-wedding events, and you can still invite her to things like getting nails and hair done (if you're doing that).

If she is going to attend the wedding as a guest, you could always tell her when you talk to her again, "I want you to know, if you do attend the wedding, I would be thrilled to have you walk up the aisle with everyone in whatever you wish to wear and either stand up beside me or take a seat in the front row. I'll leave it up to you as a day-of decision to make. I just want you to know I value you, not a role".

Otherwise though, yes, people can count, but no one will care why DH has one more GM that you do BMs. As for the processional, you can have the WP sides walk in separate, 2 GMs escort a BM, or a GM walk in alone.

charlotte989875 · April 2016

SP29 said:

You could still include her name in the program (if you're having them) as one of your bridesmaids. Though I think people would question that more (not that there is anything wrong with it- you tell them she is imminently expecting), a "missing" bridesmaid vs none at all.

If she attends your wedding as a guest, you can get her a corsage. You can still take a special professional photo with her.

If she is local, you still invite her to pre-wedding events, and you can still invite her to things like getting nails and hair done (if you're doing that).

If she is going to attend the wedding as a guest, you could always tell her when you talk to her again, "I want you to know, if you do attend the wedding, I would be thrilled to have you walk up the aisle with everyone in whatever you wish to wear and either stand up beside me or take a seat in the front row. I'll leave it up to you as a day-of decision to make. I just want you to know I value you, not a role".

Otherwise though, yes, people can count, but no one will care why DH has one more GM that you do BMs. As for the processional, you can have the WP sides walk in separate, 2 GMs escort a BM, or a GM walk in alone.

I agree with everything, the pre-wedding events, photos, corsage, except for the bolded. The cousin made it clear she didn't want to be BM, I don't think it's right for OP to ask her again. She probably felt bad saying no the first time, and asking her again just seems like putting her in the awkward position of having to say no a second time.

SP29 · April 2016

charlotte989875 said:

SP29 said:

You could still include her name in the program (if you're having them) as one of your bridesmaids. Though I think people would question that more (not that there is anything wrong with it- you tell them she is imminently expecting), a "missing" bridesmaid vs none at all.

If she attends your wedding as a guest, you can get her a corsage. You can still take a special professional photo with her.

If she is local, you still invite her to pre-wedding events, and you can still invite her to things like getting nails and hair done (if you're doing that).

If she is going to attend the wedding as a guest, you could always tell her when you talk to her again, "I want you to know, if you do attend the wedding, I would be thrilled to have you walk up the aisle with everyone in whatever you wish to wear and either stand up beside me or take a seat in the front row. I'll leave it up to you as a day-of decision to make. I just want you to know I value you, not a role".

Otherwise though, yes, people can count, but no one will care why DH has one more GM that you do BMs. As for the processional, you can have the WP sides walk in separate, 2 GMs escort a BM, or a GM walk in alone.

I agree with everything, the pre-wedding events, photos, corsage, except for the bolded. The cousin made it clear she didn't want to be BM, I don't think it's right for OP to ask her again. She probably felt bad saying no the first time, and asking her again just seems like putting her in the awkward position of having to say no a second time.

I do agree with you, but I think I would base it on how the conversation went. I think a lot of people assume being in a WP means they have to host parties, do DIY projects, spend hours before getting ready together, wear a specific dress, etc. If THAT is the reason why she said no (which is what the OP mentioned), if the OP and her cousin are close, I don't see a reason why she couldn't bring it up that she is most interested in having her cousin there.

If cousin said, "Thanks for the offer, but I am unable to participate" then I'd leave it as case closed.

charlotte989875 · April 2016

SP29 said:

charlotte989875 said:

SP29 said:

You could still include her name in the program (if you're having them) as one of your bridesmaids. Though I think people would question that more (not that there is anything wrong with it- you tell them she is imminently expecting), a "missing" bridesmaid vs none at all.

If she attends your wedding as a guest, you can get her a corsage. You can still take a special professional photo with her.

If she is local, you still invite her to pre-wedding events, and you can still invite her to things like getting nails and hair done (if you're doing that).

If she is going to attend the wedding as a guest, you could always tell her when you talk to her again, "I want you to know, if you do attend the wedding, I would be thrilled to have you walk up the aisle with everyone in whatever you wish to wear and either stand up beside me or take a seat in the front row. I'll leave it up to you as a day-of decision to make. I just want you to know I value you, not a role".

Otherwise though, yes, people can count, but no one will care why DH has one more GM that you do BMs. As for the processional, you can have the WP sides walk in separate, 2 GMs escort a BM, or a GM walk in alone.

I agree with everything, the pre-wedding events, photos, corsage, except for the bolded. The cousin made it clear she didn't want to be BM, I don't think it's right for OP to ask her again. She probably felt bad saying no the first time, and asking her again just seems like putting her in the awkward position of having to say no a second time.

I do agree with you, but I think I would base it on how the conversation went. I think a lot of people assume being in a WP means they have to host parties, do DIY projects, spend hours before getting ready together, wear a specific dress, etc. If THAT is the reason why she said no (which is what the OP mentioned), if the OP and her cousin are close, I don't see a reason why she couldn't bring it up that she is most interested in having her cousin there.

If cousin said, "Thanks for the offer, but I am unable to participate" then I'd leave it as case closed.

I agree with that, if cousin is thinking she has to do a ton of stuff then I don't see any problem with just asking to to stand up, but if she had mentioned not wanting to be in pictures or in front of people because she'll be über pregnant I definitely wouldn't.

tigerlily6 · April 2016

I am having 6 BMs, FI has 5 GMs. Nobody declined, that's just how many people we both ended up asking. If anybody notices, so be it, but I doubt anybody will fuss over it or even ask. I do think it is sweet of you to be trying to keep your friend feeling valued and honored, but I agree that the best way to do this is just to give her a big hug when you see her at the wedding, and thank her so much for being there on your big day and tell her how much it means to have her there.

delujm0 · April 2016

Is the cousin local to the wedding venue? Her concern may have also been "I might not be able to attend the wedding." Lots of things can happen at that stage of pregnancy, including early delivery, or doctor-prescribed bed rest. She probably didn't want you to count on her being there when she couldn't be 100% sure if she would be (and she probably didn't want to buy a dress that she may never use, either).

Sounds to me like she declined though...I would just leave it at that. The last bridesmaid to recess from the ceremony can just be escorted by two groomsmen instead of 1. No one really pays attention to the recession anyway, once the bride and groom are gone.

hyechica81 · April 2016

i had 7 maids and 5 groomsmen and no one side eyed anything. your overthinking this

MyNameIsNot · April 2016

charlotte989875 said:

SP29 said:

You could still include her name in the program (if you're having them) as one of your bridesmaids. Though I think people would question that more (not that there is anything wrong with it- you tell them she is imminently expecting), a "missing" bridesmaid vs none at all.

If she attends your wedding as a guest, you can get her a corsage. You can still take a special professional photo with her.

If she is local, you still invite her to pre-wedding events, and you can still invite her to things like getting nails and hair done (if you're doing that).

If she is going to attend the wedding as a guest, you could always tell her when you talk to her again, "I want you to know, if you do attend the wedding, I would be thrilled to have you walk up the aisle with everyone in whatever you wish to wear and either stand up beside me or take a seat in the front row. I'll leave it up to you as a day-of decision to make. I just want you to know I value you, not a role".

Otherwise though, yes, people can count, but no one will care why DH has one more GM that you do BMs. As for the processional, you can have the WP sides walk in separate, 2 GMs escort a BM, or a GM walk in alone.

I agree with everything, the pre-wedding events, photos, corsage, except for the bolded. The cousin made it clear she didn't want to be BM, I don't think it's right for OP to ask her again. She probably felt bad saying no the first time, and asking her again just seems like putting her in the awkward position of having to say no a second time.

I agree with you about the bolded.

Taking it a step further, I disagree with the majority about the program/photos/corsage. This woman has been clear that she doesn't want to be a BM. Regardless of whether her reason is silly or valid, pushing all these honors on her might come off that OP isn't taking no for an answer.

Declining an invitation to be in a WP is rarely an easy choice or conversation. I would be really hesitant to put this woman in a position where she felt guilty about her choice to decline.

lnixon8 · April 2016

MyNameIsNot said:

charlotte989875 said:

SP29 said:

You could still include her name in the program (if you're having them) as one of your bridesmaids. Though I think people would question that more (not that there is anything wrong with it- you tell them she is imminently expecting), a "missing" bridesmaid vs none at all.

If she attends your wedding as a guest, you can get her a corsage. You can still take a special professional photo with her.

If she is local, you still invite her to pre-wedding events, and you can still invite her to things like getting nails and hair done (if you're doing that).

If she is going to attend the wedding as a guest, you could always tell her when you talk to her again, "I want you to know, if you do attend the wedding, I would be thrilled to have you walk up the aisle with everyone in whatever you wish to wear and either stand up beside me or take a seat in the front row. I'll leave it up to you as a day-of decision to make. I just want you to know I value you, not a role".

Otherwise though, yes, people can count, but no one will care why DH has one more GM that you do BMs. As for the processional, you can have the WP sides walk in separate, 2 GMs escort a BM, or a GM walk in alone.

I agree with everything, the pre-wedding events, photos, corsage, except for the bolded. The cousin made it clear she didn't want to be BM, I don't think it's right for OP to ask her again. She probably felt bad saying no the first time, and asking her again just seems like putting her in the awkward position of having to say no a second time.

I agree with you about the bolded.

Taking it a step further, I disagree with the majority about the program/photos/corsage. This woman has been clear that she doesn't want to be a BM. Regardless of whether her reason is silly or valid, pushing all these honors on her might come off that OP isn't taking no for an answer.

Declining an invitation to be in a WP is rarely an easy choice or conversation. I would be really hesitant to put this woman in a position where she felt guilty about her choice to decline.

I agree. Walking up in a processional, getting photographed, even standing that long for photos sounds like it would be miserable for someone 9 months pregnant.

scrunchythief · April 2016

lnixon8 said:

MyNameIsNot said:

charlotte989875 said:

SP29 said:

You could still include her name in the program (if you're having them) as one of your bridesmaids. Though I think people would question that more (not that there is anything wrong with it- you tell them she is imminently expecting), a "missing" bridesmaid vs none at all.

If she attends your wedding as a guest, you can get her a corsage. You can still take a special professional photo with her.

If she is local, you still invite her to pre-wedding events, and you can still invite her to things like getting nails and hair done (if you're doing that).

If she is going to attend the wedding as a guest, you could always tell her when you talk to her again, "I want you to know, if you do attend the wedding, I would be thrilled to have you walk up the aisle with everyone in whatever you wish to wear and either stand up beside me or take a seat in the front row. I'll leave it up to you as a day-of decision to make. I just want you to know I value you, not a role".

Otherwise though, yes, people can count, but no one will care why DH has one more GM that you do BMs. As for the processional, you can have the WP sides walk in separate, 2 GMs escort a BM, or a GM walk in alone.

I agree with everything, the pre-wedding events, photos, corsage, except for the bolded. The cousin made it clear she didn't want to be BM, I don't think it's right for OP to ask her again. She probably felt bad saying no the first time, and asking her again just seems like putting her in the awkward position of having to say no a second time.

I agree with you about the bolded.

Taking it a step further, I disagree with the majority about the program/photos/corsage. This woman has been clear that she doesn't want to be a BM. Regardless of whether her reason is silly or valid, pushing all these honors on her might come off that OP isn't taking no for an answer.

Declining an invitation to be in a WP is rarely an easy choice or conversation. I would be really hesitant to put this woman in a position where she felt guilty about her choice to decline.

I agree. Walking up in a processional, getting photographed, even standing that long for photos sounds like it would be miserable for someone 9 months pregnant.

It definitely could be miserable, but that varies so much from person to person. I, for example, was on my hands and knees reorganizing supplies at my pretty active barista job the day before going into labor:)

But I agree, if she's said she doesn't want to be a BM, it shouldn't be pushed too much. I suggested a corsage since that's very common to give to people who are extra honored guests, but who are not in the WP. We gave them to all of our parents, grandparents, readers, etc.

[Deleted User] · April 2016

How did she respond when you said that you would still have her as an honourary bridesmaid? If she said she didn't want to be an honourary bridesmaid then I would leave it. If she responded positively to that then I think it's fine to clarify with her what you meant, and then come up with something that she's comfortable with. I think PPs have already given some ideas of what that could be. What you shouldn't do is re-suggest ideas that were the reasons she declined being a bridesmaid. Clarify there's no expectation, if she changes her mind at any time it's perfectly ok, and you understand this is a busy/exciting time in her life, and all you want to do it make sure she knows how important she is in your life.

A side note, I highly doubt anyone will question the uneven number. I was looking at my cousins pro wedding pics on Facebook a couple of weeks ago and he had an uneven number -- this is a wedding I attended, and I had no idea until a bout of procrastination hit at work. Plus, there's so many posts on social media about mismatched dresses, uneven numbers and bridesmen/groomswomen that most people understand this happens and it's the new norm for bridal parties.

AddieCake · April 2016

I understand noticing in the moment that there are uneven sides, but I agree I don't remember it past the moment. But I don't understand what you mean that you'd be "curious" as a guest. Curious about what, exactly?

justsie · April 2016

I had a wedding I attended where they had uneven sides, I noticed but it didn't cross my mind at all that there would be a reason. Not until the MOG came up and stated that the bride had gotten in a fight with a bridesmaid (or was it the MOH?) and said some extremely mean things, that apparently this is how the bride was when she drank, and the person had decided the friendship was over and didn't come to the wedding. I didn't ask for this information, it was forced upon me, until that I couldn't care less that they had uneven sides.

CMGragain · April 2016

Today's wedding parties are so large that people would have to count to notice uneven sides. I had uneven sides at my wedding in 1976, and it was just fine. It never occurred to anyone that sides should be even. That seems to be a new idea.

VerizonGirl · May 2016

This. You should let this go, but if you can't, list her in the program which then will show EVEN SIDES.

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