Wedding Vows & Ceremony Discussions

FI adopting my daughter wants incorporate something in ceremony

Not sure if this is the right place to put this.

A little background, I have two daughters, they have different dads my youngest daughter will be 4 when we get married and spends half her time at her dad's house. My oldest will be 10 and has never met her "dad" and he has wanted nothing to do with her to the point that he has signed over his rights so she can be adopted by FI after we get married. FI has no kids of his own.

FI wants to get my daughters a special necklace for when we get married. He wants to give my youngest her's in private so as not to make her feel she is having to chose between him or her dad. However he wants to add something to the ceremony for my oldest since he will be adopting her. I suggested that he give her's in private as well and that after the adoption we can have a party for the two of them and the wedding isn't really apropriate for that. What are your thoughts? I don't want to make a big deal about it if it's a moot point but couldn't find anything on this, everything I could find was about kids gaining a stepparent not about that they will actually be getting a dad. If he is insistent on doing something is there some sort of compromise I could suggest for the wedding? 

Re: FI adopting my daughter wants incorporate something in ceremony

  • I think it would be very weird to have it mentioned during the ceremony, especially since you're only mentioning one of your kid. IMO, this kind of thing should be done in private. 
    That's what I told him, and so I suggested we do something for him and daughter after the adoption is done separate from the wedding. I just wanted more opinions before I picked this battle since I am more of a pick your battle type of personality.....
    OurWildKingdom[Deleted User]
  • thefanciestbecklerthefanciestbeckler Chattanooga, TN member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    I agree with climbingwife. If it were both of your kids, it might be a different story. But since he is only adopting one of them, I think something in private would be best.

    [Deleted User]InLoveInQueensSP29
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I totally agree with PPs. Have him give them the necklaces prior to the ceremony, in private.
    OurWildKingdom[Deleted User]CMGragain
  • I completely agree with PP and sounds like you need to stick your ground. I wish you the best. I think adoption can be wonderful but very tricky. 
    OurWildKingdom[Deleted User]
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I agree with PPs - do any kind of gift-giving or "adoption" rituals involving your children in private, not at the ceremony.
  • Ditto the others.   The wedding isn't the place for this and it has the potential to hurt the feelings and confuse your 4 yo.   
  • Both events are very big and very special moments. I would celebrate them as two separate events. As PP, it would be easier to explain to your 4 year what an adoption is and why FI is adopting your older daughter & not her when it's done as it's own event. Also she won't then growing up associating wedding with adoptions being one in the same event.
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