I admit I planned backwards

Knottie84221682 · April 2016

I knew there were alot of things that I would have to DIY to get what I want and stay in budget. On top and work, school, and a kid I didn't want to get into a time crunch and be stressed out by setting a date until I had alot of things done. We knew it would be summer of this year, in a place that isn't considered a wedding venue. We are not having anyone in the BP, so no need for dress ordering stress. The officiant is his family, and there are no vendors. Cake and punch reception no biggie. We finally have everything done that is important and a date was set 3 weeks ago. Place reserved. Now we have family complaining it's 2 months away and we didn't let them know sooner. We told them the same day the venue was booked. Before that, we told them when school was out for my little one, and I would be done with my coursework. Sorry if people think I should tell them a date a year early then stress that I don't have things done yet, but I haven't asked a single person to do anything but be there if they are able. Selfish? Maybe, but I'm not planning things to please everyone else. Why complain to me this close about needing to find what they are going to wear? It's 2 months away, people were told colors a year ago, and "summer of 2016". Why did they need an exact day to find clothing?

spockforprez · April 2016

Knottie84221682 said:

I knew there were alot of things that I would have to DIY to get what I want and stay in budget. On top and work, school, and a kid I didn't want to get into a time crunch and be stressed out by setting a date until I had alot of things done. We knew it would be summer of this year, in a place that isn't considered a wedding venue. We are not having anyone in the BP, so no need for dress ordering stress. The officiant is his family, and there are no vendors. Cake and punch reception no biggie. We finally have everything done that is important and a date was set 3 weeks ago. Place reserved. Now we have family complaining it's 2 months away and we didn't let them know sooner. We told them the same day the venue was booked. Before that, we told them when school was out for my little one, and I would be done with my coursework. Sorry if people think I should tell them a date a year early then stress that I don't have things done yet, but I haven't asked a single person to do anything but be there if they are able. Selfish? Maybe, but I'm not planning things to please everyone else. Why complain to me this close about needing to find what they are going to wear? It's 2 months away, people were told colors a year ago, and "summer of 2016". Why did they need an exact day to find clothing?

2 months notice for an afternoon punch reception is perfectly fine! 8 weeks is about the time invites can start going out, and prior to the "Save the Date" tradition that is the only way guests would have known the date except by word of mouth in the family. This is perfectly traditional (in the classic sense of the word!) from what I can see.

I don't really think you planned backward, per se. You don't have a date until you have a venue, so you were very wise not to tell anyone a date until you booked everything. I see nothing wrong with getting ducks in a row as far as your attire, rings, etc. and then actually making your reservations when you were ready. It wouldn't work for an evening Saturday wedding in June because of availability, but going with the afternoon in a non-traditional wedding venue, it seems like it worked out fine for you.

OP, to me it seems like you're in the clear. I would just smile and say, "We are so excited about our plans and hope you can make it to the wedding!" over and over to your rude family members. 8 weeks' notice is just fine, and your wedding day will be great! Congrats!

charlotte989875 · April 2016

As Spock said, 8 weeks is typically when invitations go out, so etiquette-wise you're doing everything right.

I will say though that summer months are particularly busy for a lot of people, it's now the end of April and H and I already have summer trips planned (two for weddings that we've known about for 9-10 months). We have other weekends booked and things planned. Additionally, if your wedding requires travel for people they may have had to request time off a while ago. If someone told me "we're getting married sometime in Summer 2016" I would assume they would tell me as soon as they had a date, but wouldn't block off weekends waiting for them to decide.

Save the dates, or even giving people a particular date prior to invitations, are not required, but they do help avoid these kinds of situations.

climbingsingle · April 2016

Why were people "told colors"? I'm confused. I thought you said you had no bridal party?

LondonLisa · April 2016

climbingwife said:

Why were people "told colors"? I'm confused. I thought you said you had no bridal party?

Ditto this- you absolutely cannot tell people who aren't in the bridal party to wear certain colours.

Also, I love cake a punch receptions, but I am a big believer that one should try to match the effort of their guests. So, for example, if you are going to ask your guests to wear full black tie, one must host to that level. Cake and punch is a casual reception, therefore, guests should be expected to dress more casually. I'm not saying jeans and shorts, but casual afternoon dresses and khaki trousers/shirts are totally appropriate.

What is absolutely not ok under any circumstance is to insist guests wear a certain colour. That is tacky, reality-tv wannabe behaviour.

spockforprez · April 2016

Ah, I missed the whole "they were told colors" thing. I thought OP was saying she DIDN'T care about what they would wear but the people in her life were bugging her about it. Maybe (hopefully) she just meant she answered people when they asked her details about the wedding - I know about 4 dozen people must have asked what our wedding colors were.

@charlotte989875 - I agree that some folks may not be able to make it if they are going out of town that weekend, etc. That's the downside of OP's plan; she can't be upset if folks can't make it. But that's the case for all brides and grooms in the end, I guess!

Knottie84221682 · April 2016

I don't care about what they wear, it's our mothers who wanted to know what colors months ago becuase they want to match? I have tried to explain its not a big formal wedding. I have specifically said nice pair of jeans is fine with us, long as they don't show up naked. If people have other things to do fine. I'm not the one complaining, the people invited are. There are a whole 32 people invited, the furthest drive is 30 minutes. If I went around everyone's schedule every weekend until September would be a no for someone. Either birthdays, anniversary's, holidays, or my daughter being at her dad's everyother weekend would cause someone not to be there. It's crazy what hoops people think we need to jump through.

lnixon8 · April 2016

You need to breathe. You got worked up about the officiant potentially not liking your music, don't get worked up over someone saying something about the "late" notice. Bean dip if people are stressing you out over wedding details.

Tyvm · April 2016

Yeah, 8 weeks is the appropriate amount of head's up for wedding invitations...even when you've booked the venue faaaaar in advance. Give guests much more of a head's up, and they'll forget it's happening!

Haters gonna hate, potatoes gonna potate.

RomanceManaged · April 2016

I agree that you gave them plenty of time. We announced the engagement in October, and after nailing down the venue and guest list, announced the day in November for our June wedding. STD cards were sent in January I believe, to those out of state, out of town, or that I knew had a lot of summer plans. Someone on FI's side (distant cousin I think..) recently called to complain about the date we chose, because she really wanted that day for her sons friends open house, and if we could change the date or they weren't able to attend.

The day you pick isn't going to be open for everyone, and unfortunately this is one of those times where you just shrug, bean dip, and hope they make it.

SP29 · April 2016

You have done nothing wrong with your timeline. For ANY wedding, invitations should be sent 6-8 weeks in advance. Guests can either come, or they can't. Guests can be upset you didn't give them more notice, because you didn't have to, nor could you. Likewise, you cannot be upset if they decline because they have other plans.

STDs are quite a modern invention, and never required.

No, guests are not going to book time off work without a clear plan, but you did verbally tell people "Summer 2016".

If anyone gives you flack, you can tell them, "We look forward to seeing you if you can make it! RSVP date is X".

MesmrEwe · April 2016

IMO - they should be rejoicing that you didn't elope! Relax - 8 weeks is PLENTY of time for them to find something to wear..

I admit I planned backwards

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