How did her husband become the 'bad guy' here?

mrsconn23 · April 2016

Dear Prudence,
Two months ago, my husband and I had our first baby. It’s exhausting and wonderful, but here’s the problem. I notice that sex doesn’t feel the same. I’ve gotten “looser,” and I practically had to force my husband to admit that he notices a difference, too. This is devastating. My entire life I never enjoyed sex, until I met my husband. Our sex life was amazing, and I finally felt what everyone was talking about. Now, it just feels like nothing. When I talk to my friends, they call him a jerk and say that he should “appreciate” that I made him a daughter. My doctors, too, seem to blame my husband for saying something so awful, but no one actually admits that childbirth does stretch you out. It’s not a matter of emotions or “understanding.” Friction is friction. 1) What do we do? I want our sex life back. 2) Why do no mothers/doctors talk about the effects of birth on the vagina? 3) Why does everyone blame the husband? Please help.

—Childbirth Ruined Sex

PrettyGirlLost · April 2016

Yeah I don't understand that either.

I also don't understand how she didn't realize that squeezing a 4-10lb baby (what's the average birth weight these days?) out of her vag was going to stretch her out. The point of the vag is to stretch for that very reason!

Time for kegels, honey. And if it's really bad for PT.

VarunaTT · April 2016

Isn't there supposed to be a 6 week period where you don't have sex after giving birth? I feel like she might just need to give this a bit more time, but then yeah, start doing some kegels.

ShesSoCold · April 2016

Why is her doctor calling her husband an ass instead of helping her do something about it?

mrsconn23 · April 2016

I want to know how much sex she's having at 2 mos postpartum.

I didn't get released for 6 weeks and then waited until I had mirena placed a week later. And then I had 2ish months of off and on bleeding with the mirena. Our sex life did not get 'regular' until 4-5 mos postpartum.

Also, I had an episiotomy and stitches. It definitely changed things and we had to adjust certain positions and whatnot.

This whole letter is odd to me. And I think this lady is jumping the gun on stressing about this.

OliveOilsMom · April 2016

I don't understand why everyone in that woman's life is blaming the H for something that she seemed to really force him to admit. It really isn't fair for the H to be the cause of the blame, the LW seems to know that pushing out the baby is the cause, so why is everyone else blaming the H?

Why can't the doctor just say, "Yes, this sometimes occurs after child birth. It is natural and normal." Then the doctor can explain that this is still temporary and she is still healing from the birth and may "shrink" more. Or the doctor can say that some exercises may help or that there is nothing that can be done. Either way, I think that's bad doctoring to blame the H and not discuss any potential fixes or address the patient's concerns.

LW and H just need to find a new way for the friction to return. Trying new positions, etc.

PrettyGirlLost · April 2016

mrs.conn23 said:

I want to know how much sex she's having at 2 mos postpartum.

I didn't get released for 6 weeks and then waited until I had mirena placed a week later. And then I had 2ish months of off and on bleeding with the mirena. Our sex life did not get 'regular' until 4-5 mos postpartum.

Also, I had an episiotomy and stitches. It definitely changed things and we had to adjust certain positions and whatnot.

This whole letter is odd to me. And I think this lady is jumping the gun on stressing about this.

I'm thinking that she may need a new doctor. . . one that will advise her to stop freaking freaking until she's had time to heal and "recover."

And yeah, everyone needs to stop bashing her husband for admitting the truth when he was pressed by his own wife- she's looser and the sex isn't as great as it was pre-baby. He's not an ass for acknowledging something she already new and seems to be pretty common.

Don't ask a question unless you really want the answer:

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[Deleted User] · April 2016

OliveOilsMom said:

I don't understand why everyone in that woman's life is blaming the H for something that she seemed to really force him to admit. It really isn't fair for the H to be the cause of the blame, the LW seems to know that pushing out the baby is the cause, so why is everyone else blaming the H?
Why can't the doctor just say, "Yes, this sometimes occurs after child birth. It is natural and normal." Then the doctor can explain that this is still temporary and she is still healing from the birth and may "shrink" more. Or the doctor can say that some exercises may help or that there is nothing that can be done. Either way, I think that's bad doctoring to blame the H and not discuss any potential fixes or address the patient's concerns.
LW and H just need to find a new way for the friction to return. Trying new positions, etc.

Yes. The LW sounds like a child. Someone who believes that the only valid sex is penis-in-vagina sex. If she's not getting pleasure from that, maybe her H needs to try something else, fingers, tongue, toys, forearm. She's ridiculous.

banana468 · April 2016

I hate to say "be glad you have this problem at 2 mo PP" but seriously. At 2 mo PP, EVERYTHING was loose. I was happy to make it to the bathroom on time. If you have enough time at 2 mo PP to write letters to Prudie, start doing some exercises and be quiet.

*Barbie* · April 2016

I had 30 hours of labor and an emergency c-section. I was told no sex for 6 weeks, and had the Mirena placed at 6 weeks to the day.

We tried around 5.5 weeks since we knew the Mirena would delay things a few days, and it was painful. Even without the vaginal birth, I think it took me a solid 3-4 months to feel fully better. (Even without P in V, there was still some discomfort for a while with oral/manual/toys because of the muscle contractions.)

I think it's ridiculous that she's publicly dragging her H thorough the mud - she said in her letter that she essentially forced him to say that it was looser. Why is he even being discussed here? I think the conversation would be "post baby sex hasn't been as satisfying for me - how did you respond post baby/is there anything i can try to improve sensation/tightness/etc.?"

VarunaTT · April 2016

I just went back and re-read this. She sounds really uneducated about her sex life in general. Hell, just from hanging out here, I've read loads of info from you ladies about sex after the babies. So, I don't believe the "no info". And her friends sound like peaches, so either she's leaving out details (like I forced him to say this) or they're uneducated too. And I don't get why anyone would blame the husband in this situation.

She sounds like one of these people who can't figure out how to Google or fix anything in their lives, so they sit around whining about stupid shit to anyone that'll listen.

banana468 · April 2016

VarunaTT said:

I just went back and re-read this. She sounds really uneducated about her sex life in general. Hell, just from hanging out here, I've read loads of info from you ladies about sex after the babies. So, I don't believe the "no info". And her friends sound like peaches, so either she's leaving out details (like I forced him to say this) or they're uneducated too. And I don't get why anyone would blame the husband in this situation.

She sounds like one of these people who can't figure out how to Google or fix anything in their lives, so they sit around whining about stupid shit to anyone that'll listen.

When in doubt, write to Prudie.

How did her husband become the 'bad guy' here?

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