Living alone - self defense

ernursej · April 2016

Back story, I was held at gun point when I worked at a liquor store in university. I am absolutely against hand guns, but recognize that I live in Canada and the US is a very different world.

When I moved into my first apartment, I went to self defense classes and talked to my local police department. The advice I got was to install an alarm that had a panic feature in my bedroom. Every move, I have set up a similar system. It has arm to stay or away and I set it 100% of the time. I also installed a lock on my bedroom door and sleep with it shut and locked. I know that even with self defense, I'm unlikely to make a significant dent in dealing with an intruder by myself. The best method is to prevent and ensure that those that can help are on their way. We've installed motion sensors outside and our alarm is on a battery backup that I change yearly with our smoke detectors. It is a buried line so not able to be cut with the phones.

I understand your concerns and wish you the best in your prep!

spockforprez · April 2016

I tried again with the dog talk today but H is adamant against it. He did make a good point that it would be better to have the yard fenced in before we adopt. We are already having to have landscaping done for the permanent ramp to be installed plus renovating the bathrooms and moving the laundry inside from the garage, so we have a lot on our plate as far as that stuff goes and a fence would be an added job/expense. I also got a job that is on standby for when he goes to rehab, plus the cats just moving back in after 2 months away... it's probably not a good idea.

I think we will continue with our original pre-accident plan of adopting his brother's two cats first and then a while after that, get a doggie.

I already had the alarm system installed so no worries there! It is fairly expensive, but not too bad. I got everything set up for free because a friend works for them, so just the monthly fee.

Someone on facebook made the point I could be sued for bodily harm if I attack an intruder, even in self-defense. What the fuck is this world coming to. I'll probably resort to the "stay in bed and pretend nothing is happening" approach if I hear creepy noises.

MCmeow · April 2016

spockforprez said:

I tried again with the dog talk today but H is adamant against it. He did make a good point that it would be better to have the yard fenced in before we adopt. We are already having to have landscaping done for the permanent ramp to be installed plus renovating the bathrooms and moving the laundry inside from the garage, so we have a lot on our plate as far as that stuff goes and a fence would be an added job/expense. I also got a job that is on standby for when he goes to rehab, plus the cats just moving back in after 2 months away... it's probably not a good idea. I think we will continue with our original pre-accident plan of adopting his brother's two cats first and then a while after that, get a doggie.

I already had the alarm system installed so no worries there! It is fairly expensive, but not too bad. I got everything set up for free because a friend works for them, so just the monthly fee.

Someone on facebook made the point I could be sued for bodily harm if I attack an intruder, even in self-defense. What the fuck is this world coming to. I'll probably resort to the "stay in bed and pretend nothing is happening" approach if I hear creepy noises.

No no no, don't believe a facebook post that tells you that. If your life is in danger, defend yourself no matter what. Not sure if it's different in every state but in my classes they tell us the legal repercussions of our self defense, because some of our techniques can hurt people...slightly, but some can kill. They told us that the damage you're legally allowed to do has to do with the equal or greater danger the attacker brings you. You would get sued or jailed IF you overdo it, if someone was mugging you unarmed and then you kill them. Let's say you kick them in the knee, so they're limping, if they stop attacking you, you stop, if they keep trying to attack you, you are allowed to do something more effective. It also has to do with sizing up the attacker quickly. If it's a big dude with a lot of muscle and you're small or weaker, just kicking him in the knee or punching him won't do much. If your life is on the line, you'll have to jab him in the eye or kick him in the private area or punch him in the neck. If you don't think you can defend yourself, obviously stay away, but if it comes to where there is no choice, don't worry about getting sued, do whatever you need to do to be safe.

CMGragain · April 2016

I lived alone for several years before getting married to DH. I have had bad things happen in my life.

My philosophy is that bad things can happen. You can take all the precautions in the world, but you can still have shit happen to you.
I take sensible precautions:

1. I always lock my car doors, and never leave valuables in sight in the car.
2. I keep my doors locked at home, and the locks are sturdy.
3. I stay away from neighborhoods with a high crime rate at night. (None here in Grand Junction!)
4. I keep my jewelry in the locked safe.
5. I never carry large amounts of cash or have it in my home.
6. I do not allow guns in my house.

If bad stuff is going to happen to me, it won't be my fault. I will not blame myself for being a victim. You and your DH have already experienced some very bad shit in your lives, and you are handling it well. It isn't surprising that your DH has some anxiety and stress after this. Counseling might help. Religion might help.
Every night, as I am falling asleep, I recite that wonderful poem from the Bible:

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside quiet waters,
He refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk
    through the valley of the shadow of death
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

This helps me deal with my own anxiety.

tigerlily6 · April 2016

MCmeow said:

spockforprez said:

I tried again with the dog talk today but H is adamant against it. He did make a good point that it would be better to have the yard fenced in before we adopt. We are already having to have landscaping done for the permanent ramp to be installed plus renovating the bathrooms and moving the laundry inside from the garage, so we have a lot on our plate as far as that stuff goes and a fence would be an added job/expense. I also got a job that is on standby for when he goes to rehab, plus the cats just moving back in after 2 months away... it's probably not a good idea. I think we will continue with our original pre-accident plan of adopting his brother's two cats first and then a while after that, get a doggie.

I already had the alarm system installed so no worries there! It is fairly expensive, but not too bad. I got everything set up for free because a friend works for them, so just the monthly fee.

Someone on facebook made the point I could be sued for bodily harm if I attack an intruder, even in self-defense. What the fuck is this world coming to. I'll probably resort to the "stay in bed and pretend nothing is happening" approach if I hear creepy noises.

No no no, don't believe a facebook post that tells you that. If your life is in danger, defend yourself no matter what. Not sure if it's different in every state but in my classes they tell us the legal repercussions of our self defense, because some of our techniques can hurt people...slightly, but some can kill. They told us that the damage you're legally allowed to do has to do with the equal or greater danger the attacker brings you. You would get sued or jailed IF you overdo it, if someone was mugging you unarmed and then you kill them. Let's say you kick them in the knee, so they're limping, if they stop attacking you, you stop, if they keep trying to attack you, you are allowed to do something more effective. It also has to do with sizing up the attacker quickly. If it's a big dude with a lot of muscle and you're small or weaker, just kicking him in the knee or punching him won't do much. If your life is on the line, you'll have to jab him in the eye or kick him in the private area or punch him in the neck. If you don't think you can defend yourself, obviously stay away, but if it comes to where there is no choice, don't worry about getting sued, do whatever you need to do to be safe.

Ditto to @MCmeow. It's true that if somebody breaks into your home, sets off the alarm, and then clearly is trying to get away with it without trying to harm you, that you'd probably be in the wrong if you shoot them in the face. They aren't using lethal force, so you likely shouldn't either.

BUT, I highly doubt any jury would find for the burglar if they are invading your home, enter the room you're in, act or look threatening, and you whack them with a baseball bat. And if at any point they were to make an actual attack on you, then yes, most definitely attack back.

thefanciestbeckler · April 2016

I chose the "one or more option". I have 2 large dogs with big scary barks. They bark anytime anyone is even relatively near the house. Now mind you, they'd lick someone to death before they ever bit anyone, but an intruder doesn't need to know that

We have an alarm system installed at our house as well. There's a sign out front letting people know that the house is armed.

We also have guns. I know how to shoot them. I live alone right now since DH is working out of town until June. Before he left he made sure I knew how to shoot the gun if I ever needed to. Obviously that would be a last resort, but it's comforting (to me at least) to know that it's there if I needed it.

OliveOilsMom · April 2016

I also want to back up MCmeow with her explanation too. There is a point of defending yourself and there is a point of doing harm to another person. Her explanation is spot on and it's how the law is also written in NJ. It is one of the things H points out to the people who attend his self defense class.

His overall point, is to do enough damage to the perpetrator where you can then get away. If you stick around to continue beating on the person when they are down and knocked out, that is where you become the assaulter.

I would google a karate self defense class in your area that you can take. A good karate master could teach you simple moves that can do a lot of damage easily. Just the 1 hour class my H would teach, there are really only a few moves he teaches, but when you combine them together, can make for a powerful weapon against a person trying to do you harm.

badbnagdway · April 2016

OliveOilsMom said:

I also want to back up MCmeow with her explanation too. There is a point of defending yourself and there is a point of doing harm to another person. Her explanation is spot on and it's how the law is also written in NJ. It is one of the things H points out to the people who attend his self defense class.
His overall point, is to do enough damage to the perpetrator where you can then get away. If you stick around to continue beating on the person when they are down and knocked out, that is where you become the assaulter.
I would google a karate self defense class in your area that you can take. A good karate master could teach you simple moves that can do a lot of damage easily. Just the 1 hour class my H would teach, there are really only a few moves he teaches, but when you combine them together, can make for a powerful weapon against a person trying to do you harm.

Agree with what has been said about self-defense in your own home. In some situations outside of the home if you are threatened you have a duty to retreat from an attacker if you can do so safely. The castle doctrine stands for the proposition that when you are in your own home (or sometimes even car) you have no duty to retreat and can use force, including deadly force, to defend yourself from an intruder. Most states have this doctrine and basically give you a wide birth to defend yourself and your property. Some states have even moved to a "stand your ground" law which means there is no duty to retreat, even in a public place.

Bottom line is that if a woman is in her own bedroom and an intruder walks in she would, in most states, not be out of line in protecting herself vigorously, although the details of that are state specific.

princessleia22 · April 2016

spockforprez said:

Someone on facebook made the point I could be sued for bodily harm if I attack an intruder, even in self-defense. What the fuck is this world coming to. I'll probably resort to the "stay in bed and pretend nothing is happening" approach if I hear creepy noises.

That varies by state. In AZ, a few years ago we passed a law where an instigator or family cannot sue the victim for injuries or death caused while defending themselves. So, here, if someone breaks in or attacks you on the street, there is no risk of lawsuit for injuring the intruder in defense. We also have Stand Your Ground law and Castle Law, so our laws are pretty stacked in favor of self-defense.

But, there are definitely limits to damage you can do in self defense. To use possible deadly force (whether with gun, knife, bat, or other weapon... or even deadly force without weapon), you usually need to be able to show that you had a valid reason to fear for your life. And if they turn to leave, you can't follow them because at that point the threat to your life is over. There are cases where people chase the intruders down and you just can't do that. Self defense should only be use while there is a valid, imminent threat to your life. Some states do have rules that your method of protection can't outweigh their weapon. So, if they have a knife, a gun would be considered extreme. I personally think that's stupid, because you have no idea what weapon someone will come at you with. If someone is coming at me with a knife, I don't want to be fumbling in my purse or drawer trying to decide which weapon matches or is less than their knife, and hoping that I make the right choice before they get close though to stab me. Definitely look into your local laws, because they do vary widely. Taking a a good self defense class can probably help teach you some of the more important particulars.

ahoywedding · April 2016

Killers are my NUMBER ONE fear. I lived alone for several years, with a few of them being in a pretty shitty apartment. For the first few weeks, I tried not to come home or leave before dark (yes, I know, what a weenie). I also kept a bat by the bed, thinking that if someone DID try to come in, I could take out his knees.

I had a guy come knocking on my door every night for a week at about 4 am. After the third or fourth time, I called the police. They stayed on the phone with me until an officer got to the door and they had checked the area. Oddly enough, after this, I started to feel better. I tried to not make a big show of bringing stuff into the house (to temp any possible thieves, etc) and just paid close attention to my surroundings.

Truthfully, it's super weird at first to live alone, but keeping the TV or radio on was helpful. I also kept lights on while working nights so the house didn't look empty. And have a few friends on speed dial who you know stay up late or would wake up if you call them. That way if you're having a momentary freak-out, they can calm you down. A self-defense class might also help you feel more empowered and ease your mind, even if you (hopefully) never have to use your skills!

*Disclaimer: I know police in every area are not as helpful or responsive. I am a white female and I know I sound quite child-like and helpless on the phone. Given recent events (in the US), I can totally understand why someone would NOT feel safer calling the police.

ETA: I also had one of those huge flashlights that takes something like 3-D cell batteries by the bed. This was dual purpose: flashlight to check out a creepy noise without turning on the lights and a weapon if necessary. It would hurt like a mother to get hit with one of those.

ElcaB · April 2016

I get nervous when I am alone at night. Having a dog has helped a lot. Even though she is not a guard dog and could very well end up showering the intruder in sloppy puppy kisses, she always alerts us to visitors and that in itself is a huge comfort. Although, I actually think she might attack someone with bad intentions --- dogs totally have a sense for those things.

I also have a handgun, but I choose not to keep it at home (it is being kept at my dad's house for me), the reason being I am a very jumpy person. There have been times when DH has walked into our room at night and I wake up in a panic thinking he's a "bad guy." I don't trust myself completely not to shoot him in a sleepy panic. If I did live alone, though, and no one else had a key, I would absolutely keep the gun in my nightstand since anyone coming in without my knowing would obviously be an intruder.

ericasm0703 · April 2016

FI and I have several guns at home and have both been through hours of firearms training for work/recreational purposes. As gun enthusiasts, we take them to the range at least once a month to go shooting and to make sure they are working properly. We also have a puppy and she might alert us if something were to happen...she also growls at the moon, so who actually knows. We took a self defense class while we were in our respective academies and practiced with each other. I would highly recommend a self defense class to anyone. Just as an added note if you do choose to get pepper spray: test it monthly to make sure it works and be mindful of any reaction that you have to being in contact with it. I've been sprayed a few times before (indirectly) and it's definitely beneficial to know what reaction you're going to have to something that you're going to use.

kvruns · May 2016

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-nation/wp/2016/05/01/he-started-crying-like-a-little-baby-11-year-old-brags-about-shooting-suspected-home-invader/

This is article made me think of this thread especially the fact that the intruder left the house and the kid fired 12 shots at him. I'm just glad no one was hit by a stray bullet

thisismynickname2 · May 2016

For the poll, I answered "something else" because honestly, I'd run for it.
I grew up in the country and hated being home alone. If someone broke in to my house, I'd hide and/or run. Now, that was back in the day. If push came to shove, I'd probably have used a blunt object to fight back even though my dad had a couple rifles. I can barely shoot one now and definitely couldn't when I was living there.

Nowadays, I lived alone in a 7th floor doorman building, then lived alone in a secure building on the 4th floor. For walking outdoors I have a personal alarm and some rudimentary self defense skills.

DH and I just moved to another 4th floor home and he's going to bring one of his hand-guns from his parents' house to keep in our home. I know how to use guns more or less now, thanks to DH (and I have a good aim!), but did tell him to take me to a range to practice some more so I'm more comfortable with it. Our new place is wired for an alarm system but we have no idea how to reset it or use it yet!

Living alone - self defense

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