Wedding Etiquette Forum

Etiquette rules that aren't my preference

So I have to say, I understand the rules of etiquette are such to offend as few people as possible and treat your guest with respect, but a few of them really aren't my preference as a guest. I won't be breaking these myself (not having a religious wedding therefore no reasoning behind a gap and having a full open bar) but my preference is:

1.) I'd rather have a 2 hour gap than be forced to eat dinner at 4:30. Honestly, eating that early will make me feel kind of ill, if I live more than 30 minutes away from the venue (i.e. more than taxi distance) I'll have booked a hotel, and I would prefer to watch tv in my room for an hour or so before the reception. Sorry, reading these boards I guess I'm the only one, but that's what I prefer. Maybe that will change if my budget changes or I have kids or whatever, but those are my feelings right now.
2.) I'd rather have a cash bar than a dry wedding. I get that it's rude and I see why, but I'd rather be able to buy a glass of wine than not have one, especially if there's dancing. Again, I get it, but this is my preference.

Does anyone else have any personal preferences that go against etiquette rules?
«1345

Re: Etiquette rules that aren't my preference

  • Tyvm said:
    "2.) I'd rather have a cash bar than a dry wedding. I get that it's rude and I see why, but I'd rather be able to buy a glass of wine than not have one, especially if there's dancing. Again, I get it, but this is my preference."
    As a guest, if I think there's a risk of a dry [evening] wedding reception, I bring a flask. Maybe this makes me a terrible person, but I too would prefer a cash bar to a dry wedding. I get the concept of hosting, too, but srsly.

    I also don't mind if the booze stops during dinner as a cost-saving measure. Weddings are expensive, and no one's going to die without booze while they eat. I wouldn't do any of these things at my own event, but as a guest, I just don't care enough about this part of etiquette. 

    Also, I'm totally cool with skipping the gift-opening portion of a Bridal Shower.

    Invitation wording that includes "Dinner and dancing to follow," does not bother me. It's nice to know what's happening afterwards, so I'm not surprised when there's just appetizers! This is, however, a piece of etiquette that I might break for my own wedding.

    Completely agree with this one too! Nobody seems to enjoy it. My "shower" is going to be a bridal brunch. My cousins have all had one of these (or a tea or luncheon). It'll be at a restaurant (which people here also seem to think is extravagant, but my mom is hosting and our house isn't really large enough to comfortable hold more than 12 or so guests). Nobody has to, but for all my cousins the family (at least) brings gifts or gift cards / money gifts but since it's not a shower and maybe not everyone brings a gift (who knows!) we don't have to do the whole opening thing. I've really enjoyed these events in the past - it's a great time to spend time with my female cousins and aunts. I'm looking forward to it because it's not about the gifts at all, though I will likely get a few.

    Also don't care about a simple dress code on the invitation. "Cocktail attire requested" is good useful information. 
  • I guess as a bridesmaid I preferred when the bride involved with the bachelorette planning, which I know is a terrible faux pas. But especially when I have lived far away from the bride and we were wanting to throw something for her in her hometown right before the wedding, it actually was a huge help to have her input of where to go/ what to do. I've been very lucky to have a very hands-on MOH and a bridesmaid who used to live in my hometown, so the two of them took it upon themselves to plan a bachelorette and have only asked me a few questions about the date and activity preferences -- and I'm super grateful since they both live so far away! I know from experience that that can be tricky. 
                        


    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    I always will issue invitations to people's SOs, but it is a huge PITA sometimes, especially if I have serious space and budget restrictions and I've either never met or can't stand the SOs or inviting them prevents me from inviting people I'm closer to, but I still have to invite them just because social units have to be invited together.
  • I'm also totally fine with a cash bar. Like you said, I'd rather be able to buy a drink than not have one at all. And if like a PP mentioned, if I'm thinking your wedding is going to be dry, I'm bringing a flask just in case.

    I also don't mind HoneyFund registries, which I know is a big no-no here. It's definitely frustrating that the websites take X percent, but I like giving to them and think it's a fun, unique way to help the couple have a great honeymoon. It's not the end of the world to me that a business is going to take 3 percent of my gift.
  • I am also in the camp of preferring a cash bar (and I HATE those things) to a dry wedding. I have been to 2 dry events (and not for religious reasons), and in both events people snuck in booze. One was a wedding, and one of the groomsmen left to go buy alcohol for the table.

    I don't mind attending a PPD, as long as the couple is upfront about it. Even if they do all the traditional stuff. I find it to be pointless when they do a reenactment, but if I'm properly hosted, I don't care as much.

    I don't care if the envelope is not handwritten, I'm just gonna trash it anyways. I too would prefer if gifts were not opened at a shower, that's the worst part of any shower lol. I'm not sure about gaps. I live in NYC, so if the wedding is local, I can easily find something to do. IDK how I would feel if the wedding were in a different area, though. That's all that comes to mind right now.
                                 Anniversary
    imageimageimage


     

  • Maybe this is snarky, but really etiquette isn't about rules so much as it's a way of thinking about your guests to ensure they're happy/comfortable/treated well. So yes, while I'm PPD-lite it doesn't mean other people aren't offended by it. You (general you) might not care about cash bars or gaps, many people do, and there is no way to know ex ante who these people are.
    I agree with you. Etiquette is for the masses, trying to make the most people happy and comfortable. No one is going to be offended by an open bar or having enough chairs. 

    That being said, there are plenty of things that people do in the name of etiquette that, while good for the masses, are not so important to the individual. More specifically, this individual. That's kind of what I gathered this thread being about. No one is saying to go against etiquette or that it doesn't matter, just saying what doesn't bother them personally.
  • Maybe this is snarky, but really etiquette isn't about rules so much as it's a way of thinking about your guests to ensure they're happy/comfortable/treated well. So yes, while I'm PPD-lite it doesn't mean other people aren't offended by it. You (general you) might not care about cash bars or gaps, many people do, and there is no way to know ex ante who these people are.
    I agree with you. Etiquette is for the masses, trying to make the most people happy and comfortable. No one is going to be offended by an open bar or having enough chairs. 

    That being said, there are plenty of things that people do in the name of etiquette that, while good for the masses, are not so important to the individual. More specifically, this individual. That's kind of what I gathered this thread being about. No one is saying to go against etiquette or that it doesn't matter, just saying what doesn't bother them personally.

    STUCK IN BOX

    Yeah, there are little things that don't bother me. "Adults only" printed on the invitation. Tip jars on the bar- hey, I'll tip a bartender well if he keeps giving me good drinks quickly. Heck, I've even been B-listed a couple times but didn't mind because we truly weren't that close to the couple so getting invited was a pleasant surprise and a good excuse to go socialize and have fun. 
    ________________________________


  • lnixon8lnixon8 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Jen4948 said:
    I always will issue invitations to people's SOs, but it is a huge PITA sometimes, especially if I have serious space and budget restrictions and I've either never met or can't stand the SOs or inviting them prevents me from inviting people I'm closer to, but I still have to invite them just because social units have to be invited together.
    That doesn't sound like its an etiquette rule you don't mind if you're a guest, but rather as a host.  I bet you'd be pissed if you or your SO were not invited to a wedding together, right?


  • I don't like cash bars, but I don't mind partially hosted ones. As in they provide wine and beer, but if you want a cocktail, you can pay for it. I'd prefer a dry wedding to full cash bar, though I'd likely leave early.

    I can't stand it when it's "open bar until xx p.m." because I think more people will drink a TON at the beginning of the night.

    Around here it's often said that it's okay to have a small, intimate ceremony and a large reception, but I think that is horrible and not okay at all. A wedding is one event. Please don't invite me to only half of it.

    I don't mind if the bride is involved in the planning of the Bachelorette or shower as long as they aren't essentially throwing the party for themselves. It is their party after all, and I do think it's appropriate to make sure they'll enjoy it.

    IDGAF about "and guesting" a person who is in a serious relationship - especially if you aren't sure of your friend's/cousin's partner's name.

    Not an etiquette issue, but I think 4 hours for a reception is way to short. Mine was 9 hours. How the hell do you cram that into 4? When do people get to dance?!
  • Jen4948 said:
    lnixon8 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    I always will issue invitations to people's SOs, but it is a huge PITA sometimes, especially if I have serious space and budget restrictions and I've either never met or can't stand the SOs or inviting them prevents me from inviting people I'm closer to, but I still have to invite them just because social units have to be invited together.
    That doesn't sound like its an etiquette rule you don't mind if you're a guest, but rather as a host.  I bet you'd be pissed if you or your SO were not invited to a wedding together, right?
    I would, and I did decline an invitation that was addressed only to me and not my then-BF. But I understand that other people feel the same way.

    That's why at the very beginning of my post I indicated that I always will follow this rule of etiquette as a host. But I don't have to like it in the situations I described.  And given that this thread is about etiquette we don't like and at times wish we didn't have to follow, I don't appreciate being called out on it.
    HaHa, I just have to laugh at the bolded.

    On another note, I'm going to piggyback on the whole "social unit" thing.  I'm not sure if this has anything to do with the etiquette, but I do believe that children should be considered part of the social unit.  It's a family...1...so yeah they should be considered part of that unit. 

    That being said, I have no problem with adult-only weddings...and children don't have to be invited and...yup units can be broken up.
  • I'm another one for envelopes don't have to be handwritten. Just choice a font that is clear and doesn't look childish. The post office I'm sure was very grateful that I didn't handwrite all my invitation envelopes out...lol

  • MandyMost said:
    Tyvm said:
    "2.) I'd rather have a cash bar than a dry wedding. I get that it's rude and I see why, but I'd rather be able to buy a glass of wine than not have one, especially if there's dancing. Again, I get it, but this is my preference."
    As a guest, if I think there's a risk of a dry [evening] wedding reception, I bring a flask. Maybe this makes me a terrible person, but I too would prefer a cash bar to a dry wedding. I get the concept of hosting, too, but srsly.

    I also don't mind if the booze stops during dinner as a cost-saving measure. Weddings are expensive, and no one's going to die without booze while they eat. I wouldn't do any of these things at my own event, but as a guest, I just don't care enough about this part of etiquette. 

    Also, I'm totally cool with skipping the gift-opening portion of a Bridal Shower.

    Invitation wording that includes "Dinner and dancing to follow," does not bother me. It's nice to know what's happening afterwards, so I'm not surprised when there's just appetizers! This is, however, a piece of etiquette that I might break for my own wedding.

    Completely agree with this one too! Nobody seems to enjoy it. My "shower" is going to be a bridal brunch. My cousins have all had one of these (or a tea or luncheon). It'll be at a restaurant (which people here also seem to think is extravagant, but my mom is hosting and our house isn't really large enough to comfortable hold more than 12 or so guests). Nobody has to, but for all my cousins the family (at least) brings gifts or gift cards / money gifts but since it's not a shower and maybe not everyone brings a gift (who knows!) we don't have to do the whole opening thing. I've really enjoyed these events in the past - it's a great time to spend time with my female cousins and aunts. I'm looking forward to it because it's not about the gifts at all, though I will likely get a few.

    Also don't care about a simple dress code on the invitation. "Cocktail attire requested" is good useful information. 
    If you don't want to open the presents, don't call it a "shower". It's that simple. A bridal brunch/lunch/tea/celebration/whatever doesn't mean you need to open presents. But the ENTIRE purpose of a shower is to give the bride gifts...so not opening them is ridiculous. It would be like inviting everyone to a wedding and then saying "Oh, no, we're not having the ceremony today. We're going to do that later after everyone leaves". 
     It's called a brunch.
  • To the bolded below: this is exactly my intention.
    Maybe this is snarky, but really etiquette isn't about rules so much as it's a way of thinking about your guests to ensure they're happy/comfortable/treated well. So yes, while I'm PPD-lite it doesn't mean other people aren't offended by it. You (general you) might not care about cash bars or gaps, many people do, and there is no way to know ex ante who these people are.
    I agree with you. Etiquette is for the masses, trying to make the most people happy and comfortable. No one is going to be offended by an open bar or having enough chairs. 

    That being said, there are plenty of things that people do in the name of etiquette that, while good for the masses, are not so important to the individual. More specifically, this individual. That's kind of what I gathered this thread being about. No one is saying to go against etiquette or that it doesn't matter, just saying what doesn't bother
    them personally.
  • I don't like cash bars, but I don't mind partially hosted ones. As in they provide wine and beer, but if you want a cocktail, you can pay for it. I'd prefer a dry wedding to full cash bar, though I'd likely leave early.

    I can't stand it when it's "open bar until xx p.m." because I think more people will drink a TON at the beginning of the night.

    Around here it's often said that it's okay to have a small, intimate ceremony and a large reception, but I think that is horrible and not okay at all. A wedding is one event. Please don't invite me to only half of it.

    I don't mind if the bride is involved in the planning of the Bachelorette or shower as long as they aren't essentially throwing the party for themselves. It is their party after all, and I do think it's appropriate to make sure they'll enjoy it.

    IDGAF about "and guesting" a person who is in a serious relationship - especially if you aren't sure of your friend's/cousin's partner's name.

    Not an etiquette issue, but I think 4 hours for a reception is way to short. Mine was 9 hours. How the hell do you cram that into 4? When do people get to dance?!

    I agree - my SO needs to be invited, but I don't care if he's invited by name. I also take it to mean "you can bring a guest of your choice, if that's your SO, great, but if that's your sister / friend, that's fine too"
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards