I love to drink, and I prefer to be tipsy at weddings, but I couldn't imagine bringing a flask with me anywhere, most of all a dry wedding. "Host, what you've provided isn't good enough for me, so I had to improvise." Imagine bringing a tupperware of your favorite dinner with you because you prefer it to what's being served at the wedding. Hosts have etiquette rules to follow, but I think guests do too.
If I know it's going to be a dry wedding. And if I know I'm going to be dealing with family or otherwise want to be a little tipsy, I'll pre-game. But I won't bring a flask to the actual event. If I'm starting to get too sober for comfort, I'll leave early and head for a bar afterwards. Drink before. Drink after. You don't have to drink AT the event.
Our venue doesn't allow alcohol, and even if it did, we'd still have a dry wedding. More than half our guests are in recovery (as are FW and I), and the ones who do drink can take it or leave it. If they want to party after, you can't spit without hitting a bar in our area.
So I'm going to be a dissenter and say that dry weddings are not necessarily rude.
------------Noooo! Not the box!!--------------
This is why I get angry at a cash bar but not a dry wedding. People have a dry wedding for many reasons, a cash bar is only because someone doesn't want to pay for it. It's fine if (general) you don't want to pay for other's alcohol, have a dry wedding. I can go a few hours without a drink but sitting around sober while others are drinking is no fun. I am not searching for an ATM so I can buy a 6$ whiskey and coke so I will be sober.
I really don't think it's ok to bring your own alcohol. If you're being properly hosted, it seems rude to the hosts to imply that what they're providing isn't good enough."
For the record, I have never brought a flask to any wedding. I always go assuming I'll be hosted properly. But if I knew ahead of time there was going to be a cash bar, I would think about doing it. I have to buy the drinks myself anyways.
I love to drink, and I prefer to be tipsy at weddings, but I couldn't imagine bringing a flask with me anywhere, most of all a dry wedding. "Host, what you've provided isn't good enough for me, so I had to improvise." Imagine bringing a tupperware of your favorite dinner with you because you prefer it to what's being served at the wedding. Hosts have etiquette rules to follow, but I think guests do too.
If I know it's going to be a dry wedding. And if I know I'm going to be dealing with family or otherwise want to be a little tipsy, I'll pre-game. But I won't bring a flask to the actual event. If I'm starting to get too sober for comfort, I'll leave early and head for a bar afterwards. Drink before. Drink after. You don't have to drink AT the event.
Exactly! I'm all about the pre- and post-gaming, be it a dry wedding, or even if I'm going to a bar where drinks are $20 each. (And this was all in my past life before having three babies under two...now I can't remember the last time I had a glass of pinot grigio but the old me was all about drinking around the event if necessary.)
Our venue doesn't allow alcohol, and even if it did, we'd still have a dry wedding. More than half our guests are in recovery (as are FW and I), and the ones who do drink can take it or leave it. If they want to party after, you can't spit without hitting a bar in our area.
So I'm going to be a dissenter and say that dry weddings are not necessarily rude.
I think dry weddings are fine and would prefer that to a cash bar especially if I know the reason is people are in recovery. I feel like it's really rude to bring alcohol to a dry wedding but I think it's fine to bring it to a cash bar because lets face it, cash bars are awful!
I don't really think there's any ettiquette I'm ok with breaking from a guest perspective. I'm going to side eye any form of cash bar. I hate gaps because it's a waste of my time, PPDs are obnoxious even if the couple is upfront but definitely worse if they are lying, I'm not going if DH isn't invited, I will leave if there isn't a seat for my butt, I'm not contributing to a honeyfund, etc...
Another thing that, while I don't intend to do it, doesn't ruffle my feathers too much when it happens in other weddings is when the bride "gifts" me jewelry of some sort as a bridesmaid to wear at the wedding. I understand the reasoning that (1) it's not really a gift when there's an expectation that I need to wear it, and (2) some people may find it insulting to be told what to wear. But honestly, if the bride bought it for me, and has still had sense enough to gift me something else too (even if it's just a card or a small present), then I don't really side-eye if she doles out some accessories. I actually have collected a few nice earrings that I do wear regularly this way.
I love to drink, and I prefer to be tipsy at weddings, but I couldn't imagine bringing a flask with me anywhere, most of all a dry wedding. "Host, what you've provided isn't good enough for me, so I had to improvise." Imagine bringing a tupperware of your favorite dinner with you because you prefer it to what's being served at the wedding. Hosts have etiquette rules to follow, but I think guests do too.
I would bring a flask to a cash bar wedding, but I wouldn't to a dry wedding. Here there is usually a reason that a wedding is dry and the venue may not have a liquor license. It's a huge personal fine if you get caught with liquor on premises if there is no liquor license. However, if it's a cash bar, there is a license in play and I'm not paying $8 for a rum and coke, when I can pay a toonie for a coke and add my own rum.
I hate cash bars, but I'd rather know in advance that's the situation so I can bring cash on me.
I also don't hate tip jars. At my last family wedding my cousins made a tip jar for the bartenders when they declined. We like to drink and like to tip well for booze, what can I say!
I don't know anyone who cares about handwritten invitation envelopes.
I agree about cash bars, and about gaps (though I won't have either, either, as I'm having a secular ceremony and a full bar all night).
I'll add my own, too: As a guest, I prefer to have a dress code on the invitation (formal, casual, whatever). If they don't include it, I always ask the couple. I have a hard enough time figuring out what to wear as it is.
I use to be pretty lax about a lot of etiquette rules (probably because I was used to the faux-pas), but the more I have attended well hosted events, the more I seem to care (or appreciate) them.
Minus ceremony re-enactments, I don't hate PPDs, as long as the couple is honest about what they are doing and are hosting well.
I use to be pretty lax about a lot of etiquette rules (probably because I was used to the faux-pas), but the more I have attended well hosted events, the more I seem to care (or appreciate) them.
Minus ceremony re-enactments, I don't hate PPDs, as long as the couple is honest about what they are doing and are hosting well.
But the ceremony re-enactment is what makes it a PPD. This is what I find so offensive. Wearing the wedding gown isn't offensive, just childish and attention seeking. Having a party to celebrate a recent, or not so recent marriage isn't a PPD, and it is OK to do this. It is the ceremony re-enactment (pretend) that offends me.
I guess I was aware of PPDs before I joined TK, but never really spent much time thinking about them. Now that I have, though, I feel like it's going to be hard for me to ever really be okay with them.
I'm more than happy to celebrate a couple's marriage, at whatever point they want to host a celebration of it. But a wedding is one day -- the day you actually first become married. Other big life events don't get "do-overs" to make them more palatable or dynamic. You can't rebirth a baby for your friends and family. But they can still be in awe the first time they hold the new life you've brought forth. You can't (or at least I hope not) restage a graduation. But your friend can still be proud of you as you show them your diploma and they take you out for a drink to celebrate the next week. You can't re-bury a loved one. But your absent friends and family can still mourn and visit the grave to respect the deceased even when they can't make the funeral.
I see no reason a wedding should be any different. If the actual day itself is quiet or small, fine. You are no less married in my eyes or the worlds'. I will still celebrate your union to and love for your spouse, but please don't try to "recreate" the moment for me. By doing so, you cheapen the real moment so much, when I'd rather honor it.
I agree about cash bars, and about gaps (though I won't have either, either, as I'm having a secular ceremony and a full bar all night).
I'll add my own, too: As a guest, I prefer to have a dress code on the invitation (formal, casual, whatever). If they don't include it, I always ask the couple. I have a hard enough time figuring out what to wear as it is.
Seconding the dress code. Please tell me what to wear because it just makes life so much easier.
I agree about cash bars, and about gaps (though I won't have either, either, as I'm having a secular ceremony and a full bar all night).
I'll add my own, too: As a guest, I prefer to have a dress code on the invitation (formal, casual, whatever). If they don't include it, I always ask the couple. I have a hard enough time figuring out what to wear as it is.
Seconding the dress code. Please tell me what to wear because it just makes life so much easier.
Except wtf do you wear to "snappy casual"?
No thanks, I'll dress myself without a dress code.
I'm team "Skip the gift opening part!" ... Really, unless there are 4 or 5 guests (NOT 20!), skip it with being a public event... The reason being I don't want Aunt Matilda to be sad because she gave a $5 set of towels (far above what she could afford by all measures!) while someone else got the cushy comforter set that was only put on the registry for the completion discount..
The fact that invitations can't contain the wording "adults-only" to clarify that kids aren't invited.
I sort of agree with this but only because I think a lot of people just don't write things out correctly. I once received an invitation addressed just to me after I was married and when I asked if my husband was invited I received a "of course!" Well, it's not of course when you don't write the damn name.
I do sort of want a dress code but I want one that makes sense. I don't want you to decide that your wedding is Gastby chic or or "snappy casual" but I'd love to know that your wedding at the Webster Breckinridge Barn and Holmstead is either in the barn or a tented black tie affair.
Right now DH is the best man in his best friend's wedding. They are going over their attire and I see what he's wearing to the event which is at a beach resort. now I'm going back and forth with myself wondering if they're going slightly funky to be funky or if my attire is too much. I finally just decided this week that my black lace cocktail dress from J.Crew will look fine, I'm not in the WP, it's basic enough and the important thing is that he looks good. I just need to blend into the background.
I agree about cash bars, and about gaps (though I won't have either, either, as I'm having a secular ceremony and a full bar all night).
I'll add my own, too: As a guest, I prefer to have a dress code on the invitation (formal, casual, whatever). If they don't include it, I always ask the couple. I have a hard enough time figuring out what to wear as it is.
Seconding the dress code. Please tell me what to wear because it just makes life so much easier.
Except wtf do you wear to "snappy casual"?
No thanks, I'll dress myself without a dress code.
That works for you, but for me it's a lot less confusing than like when I get a super formal invitation for a wedding in beautiful old chapel for H's cousin (which would direct me to dress up a bit more) but then the reception is in a tent, on farm, with BBQ on paper plates and people in jeans and flannel shirts that showed up after dinner for dessert and dancing (none of which was made clear until everyone at the ceremony got to the reception and were WAY over dressed). So yeah, a dress code would've been nice in that instance. I don't mind dressing up but I was certainly over dressed for this occasion and could've been a lot more comfortable.
The fact that invitations can't contain the wording "adults-only" to clarify that kids aren't invited.
I agree with this one, too. H's family is all about writing "adults-only" on invitations to their events, which I'm totally cool with. We didn't because we didn't want to go against etiquette, but it was the one we had the most problem with. People started RSVP'ing with their kids,which led to the awkward phone calls, and in the end my cousins ended up bringing their kid anyway.
That works for you, but for me it's a lot less confusing than like when I get a super formal invitation for a wedding in beautiful old chapel for H's cousin (which would direct me to dress up a bit more) but then the reception is in a tent, on farm, with BBQ on paper plates and people in jeans and flannel shirts that showed up after dinner for dessert and dancing (none of which was made clear until everyone at the ceremony got to the reception and were WAY over dressed). So yeah, a dress code would've been nice in that instance. I don't mind dressing up but I was certainly over dressed for this occasion and could've been a lot more comfortable.
Sounds like H's cousin... Formal invitation, showed up to a tented outdoor reception at a barn in the middle of fall heat/bug season in the middle of BFN with porta potties... Yea - real enjoyable - vision over guests... The Bat flying through the tent added to the atmosphere!!!
That works for you, but for me it's a lot less confusing than like when I get a super formal invitation for a wedding in beautiful old chapel for H's cousin (which would direct me to dress up a bit more) but then the reception is in a tent, on farm, with BBQ on paper plates and people in jeans and flannel shirts that showed up after dinner for dessert and dancing (none of which was made clear until everyone at the ceremony got to the reception and were WAY over dressed). So yeah, a dress code would've been nice in that instance. I don't mind dressing up but I was certainly over dressed for this occasion and could've been a lot more comfortable.
Fuxking box I messed this up
Eh... There's a saying... It's always better to be overdressed than underdressed! (To an extent of course) but clearly you weren't the only person overdressed, so I don't see what the big deal was, as you were dressed appropriately for the chapel.
I secretly think display showers are a great idea. So shoot me. Showering the bride with gifts is the point of the whole thing, I know, and some guests take great pleasure in wrapping and want to see the bride open their gift, but I think it's boring.
I've been to plenty of showers that were hosted by moms. I don't care who hosts, as long as it's not the bride or groom.
My family in MA usually have cash bars at their weddings. As an adult, I don't leave the house without money in my purse, so I'm prepared. I'd rather have cash bar than no bar - not that I've ever been invited to a dry wedding.
I don't care if someone uses address labels or a printer to address the wedding invitations. I won't think less of them. I probably won't even notice. Also, I don't think the couple needs to go out of their way to get the name of a plus one, putting and guest on the invitation is okay when your'e not sure.
I don't remember the last time I saw a dollar dance, but they don't offend me.
I absolutely, 100% agree with preferring a cash bar over the alternatives that mean less or no access to booze. Obviously I would like a hosted full bar best, and that is what I am providing at my own wedding. But if that is not a possibility I would much rather be given the opportunity to buy my own drinks. Only have the funds to pay for a keg of Miller Light for the whole group? Fine with me. Allow me spring for my own gin and tonic and I will be much happier than I will be if I am denied that chance. No budget for alcohol at all? Please just let me buy a shot of vodka to pour into the lemonade you are serving. Or if I just want to drink the Miller Light/Lemonade, well that's fine too. I personally only side eye cash bars when (A) the non-alcoholic options suck and/or (B) other aspects of the wedding were over-the-top lavish then I will think they should have scaled those back to provide a better guest experience. But if it's a David's Bridal dress, chicken and steamed broccoli in the community center, and roses from Costco, I'm not going to be offended about buying a drink if I want one.
For the record: I'm completely fine with dry weddings when there is a religious or personal reason (recovery?) for it.
One more thing: I've never seen a cash bar that is truly a "cash bar" in that only cash may be used to purchase drinks. I never carry cash, so I would just swipe my credit card.
I don't mind gaps. I think it's because I've never been to a wedding without one so it's ingrained. But then all the weddings I've been to have been full day & night affairs and it's understood you don't plan anything else for that day. In my area of NJ its common to have long receptions as well, filled with lots of food, viennese hour, and full premium open bar. I can't even say it's due to religious or ethnic backgrounds because I've been to & have friends that have been to weddings of different faiths and ethnicities and its been the same.
That being said I use the gap to go back to the hotel and freshen up and relax before the 2nd half (eating, drinking, & dancing til the wee hours of the morning).
However, I won't have a gap because I can see how it would be inconvenient for those that didn't get a hotel or those unfamiliar with the area and since we're ok not getting married at church it seemed more convenient to use an all-in-one venue. I do recall after one wedding where we didn't get a hotel (because it was too close to home but far enough away where we couldn't just stop off), the area was dead, no malls or shopping centers anywhere close by or bars to pass the time. We showed up at the reception venue early but couldn't be let in because another party wasn't finished yet so we ended up walking around the property taking pictures.
I've also never heard of a cash bar until I came on here. I went to a PTO (parent-teacher) reception one year and they gave out 2 drink tickets and I was confused at that like um the bar isn't unlimited?
Oh I also don't care if I'm included on my FH's wedding invitation as a plus one or by name, especially if it's an invite from one of FH's co-workers who I've never met. I know it's proper to name SO's by name on the invite so I'll go ahead and find out when it comes time to do my invitations but honestly I personally don't care. I also don't care if as a guest I invite your SO and you bring someone else. I've already accounted for the person so I leave it up to you with who you want to bring. But once in my circle its common to give everyone over 18 a plus one (where plus one can mean SO or anyone) regardless of relationship status.
Speaking of invitations, I don't care if the envelopes are handwritten and depending on whether it's in my budget to hire a calligrapher (my handwriting has been likened to a 3 year old's chicken scratch), I may or may not use address labels or a printer for mine. Frankly, it's at the bottom of my list of priorities. While sometimes I'll keep a really nice wedding invitation for sentimental values, all envelopes have been tossed without an afterthought.
I secretly think display showers are a great idea. So shoot me. Showering the bride with gifts is the point of the whole thing, I know, and some guests take great pleasure in wrapping and want to see the bride open their gift, but I think it's boring.
I've been to plenty of showers that were hosted by moms. I don't care who hosts, as long as it's not the bride or groom.
My family in MA usually have cash bars at their weddings. As an adult, I don't leave the house without money in my purse, so I'm prepared. I'd rather have cash bar than no bar - not that I've ever been invited to a dry wedding.
I don't care if someone uses address labels or a printer to address the wedding invitations. I won't think less of them. I probably won't even notice. Also, I don't think the couple needs to go out of their way to get the name of a plus one, putting and guest on the invitation is okay when your'e not sure.
I don't remember the last time I saw a dollar dance, but they don't offend me.
I've only seen one of these. My friends and I thought it was kind of kitsch and fun. I can defintiely see how it's tacky, and it's not done in my culture so not an option or anything. I guess I didn't really consider it a cash grab. Since like, what's the bride gonna make? $40?
I put "adult reception to follow" on my invites. and IDGAF.
Gaps do annoy me. PPD not so much as long as they're honest and upfront. Cash bars annoy me if I don't know about them, I always bring some $ to tip - but if I need to BUY me drinks too I need to know this.
I don't give a rats whether someone uses the correct wording on an invitation. Do I know who is invited, where I need to be and when? Fabulous, job done.
I also get why hosted bars are the right thing to do, and am doing this myself, but honestly almost every wedding I've ever been to has had a cash bar so I am just used to it. Any free bar wedding I've attended has just been a nice surprise. So long as I know and therefore have cash in order to drink I'm not going to think much more about it once I'm there.
"Adult reception" makes me think of strippers and pole dancers. I admit it. I have a dirty mind.
Ditto this! Adult reception sounds like something held at Spiermint Rhino
Agreed. But I have always disliked the name "spiermint rhino" it reminds me of the dancing hippos in Fantasia. Not what I am looking for from the stripclub.
Re: Etiquette rules that aren't my preference
I don't really think there's any ettiquette I'm ok with breaking from a guest perspective. I'm going to side eye any form of cash bar. I hate gaps because it's a waste of my time, PPDs are obnoxious even if the couple is upfront but definitely worse if they are lying, I'm not going if DH isn't invited, I will leave if there isn't a seat for my butt, I'm not contributing to a honeyfund, etc...
I also don't hate tip jars. At my last family wedding my cousins made a tip jar for the bartenders when they declined. We like to drink and like to tip well for booze, what can I say!
I don't know anyone who cares about handwritten invitation envelopes.
I'm PPD-light.
I'll add my own, too:
As a guest, I prefer to have a dress code on the invitation (formal, casual, whatever). If they don't include it, I always ask the couple. I have a hard enough time figuring out what to wear as it is.
Minus ceremony re-enactments, I don't hate PPDs, as long as the couple is honest about what they are doing and are hosting well.
I'm more than happy to celebrate a couple's marriage, at whatever point they want to host a celebration of it. But a wedding is one day -- the day you actually first become married. Other big life events don't get "do-overs" to make them more palatable or dynamic.
You can't rebirth a baby for your friends and family. But they can still be in awe the first time they hold the new life you've brought forth.
You can't (or at least I hope not) restage a graduation. But your friend can still be proud of you as you show them your diploma and they take you out for a drink to celebrate the next week.
You can't re-bury a loved one. But your absent friends and family can still mourn and visit the grave to respect the deceased even when they can't make the funeral.
I see no reason a wedding should be any different. If the actual day itself is quiet or small, fine. You are no less married in my eyes or the worlds'. I will still celebrate your union to and love for your spouse, but please don't try to "recreate" the moment for me. By doing so, you cheapen the real moment so much, when I'd rather honor it.
No thanks, I'll dress myself without a dress code.
I do sort of want a dress code but I want one that makes sense. I don't want you to decide that your wedding is Gastby chic or or "snappy casual" but I'd love to know that your wedding at the Webster Breckinridge Barn and Holmstead is either in the barn or a tented black tie affair.
Right now DH is the best man in his best friend's wedding. They are going over their attire and I see what he's wearing to the event which is at a beach resort. now I'm going back and forth with myself wondering if they're going slightly funky to be funky or if my attire is too much. I finally just decided this week that my black lace cocktail dress from J.Crew will look fine, I'm not in the WP, it's basic enough and the important thing is that he looks good. I just need to blend into the background.
Sounds like H's cousin... Formal invitation, showed up to a tented outdoor reception at a barn in the middle of fall heat/bug season in the middle of BFN with porta potties... Yea - real enjoyable - vision over guests... The Bat flying through the tent added to the atmosphere!!!
I've been to plenty of showers that were hosted by moms. I don't care who hosts, as long as it's not the bride or groom.
My family in MA usually have cash bars at their weddings. As an adult, I don't leave the house without money in my purse, so I'm prepared. I'd rather have cash bar than no bar - not that I've ever been invited to a dry wedding.
I don't care if someone uses address labels or a printer to address the wedding invitations. I won't think less of them. I probably won't even notice. Also, I don't think the couple needs to go out of their way to get the name of a plus one, putting and guest on the invitation is okay when your'e not sure.
I don't remember the last time I saw a dollar dance, but they don't offend me.
For the record: I'm completely fine with dry weddings when there is a religious or personal reason (recovery?) for it.
One more thing: I've never seen a cash bar that is truly a "cash bar" in that only cash may be used to purchase drinks. I never carry cash, so I would just swipe my credit card.
That being said I use the gap to go back to the hotel and freshen up and relax before the 2nd half (eating, drinking, & dancing til the wee hours of the morning).
However, I won't have a gap because I can see how it would be inconvenient for those that didn't get a hotel or those unfamiliar with the area and since we're ok not getting married at church it seemed more convenient to use an all-in-one venue. I do recall after one wedding where we didn't get a hotel (because it was too close to home but far enough away where we couldn't just stop off), the area was dead, no malls or shopping centers anywhere close by or bars to pass the time. We showed up at the reception venue early but couldn't be let in because another party wasn't finished yet so we ended up walking around the property taking pictures.
I've also never heard of a cash bar until I came on here. I went to a PTO (parent-teacher) reception one year and they gave out 2 drink tickets and I was confused at that like um the bar isn't unlimited?
Speaking of invitations, I don't care if the envelopes are handwritten and depending on whether it's in my budget to hire a calligrapher (my handwriting has been likened to a 3 year old's chicken scratch), I may or may not use address labels or a printer for mine. Frankly, it's at the bottom of my list of priorities. While sometimes I'll keep a really nice wedding invitation for sentimental values, all envelopes have been tossed without an afterthought.
I've only seen one of these. My friends and I thought it was kind of kitsch and fun. I can defintiely see how it's tacky, and it's not done in my culture so not an option or anything. I guess I didn't really consider it a cash grab. Since like, what's the bride gonna make? $40?
IDK - doesn't bug me.
Gaps do annoy me. PPD not so much as long as they're honest and upfront.
Cash bars annoy me if I don't know about them, I always bring some $ to tip - but if I need to BUY me drinks too I need to know this.
I also get why hosted bars are the right thing to do, and am doing this myself, but honestly almost every wedding I've ever been to has had a cash bar so I am just used to it. Any free bar wedding I've attended has just been a nice surprise. So long as I know and therefore have cash in order to drink I'm not going to think much more about it once I'm there.