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Sister is in a Wedding

Knottie1462112814Knottie1462112814 member
5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
in Moms and Maids
My sister was asked to be in a Wedding. She called me yesterday to complain about it. Apparently the bride sent out an email, asking for how much she was willing to spend on a dress. My sister is pissed because she doesn't want to buy a dress. She was hoping she could wear one of her own dresses.

I think she is being a bit of a brat about this. I understand that sometimes brides will let you choose whatever,  but you shouldn't throw a fit if they don't.

Is it really that common for brides to let the bridesmaids pick out the dress, 100%?
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Re: Sister is in a Wedding

  • PaperTigersxPaperTigersx member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    I could be wrong, but it seems that most people on this board are okay with the bride speaking to each bridesmaid about a comfortable budget. Did the bride speak with your sister about her comfortable budget? 
    but I also think it's pretty common for brides to make bridesmaids buy a dress. Not sure if that makes it right or wrong. 
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  • Knottie1462112814Knottie1462112814 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    @Tyvm - we are not from the UK, and it is my sisters first wedding. I understand how exciting it is, but if my sister is going to be dramatic, maybe I'll tell her to quit if she doesn't want to spend money on a dress.
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  • downtondivadowntondiva member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Brat is a strong word, but I think your sister is being unreasonable. 

    Yes, it is becoming more common for brides to give their bridesmaids a lot of freedom in what they wear, including letting them wear something they already own. However, it is still just as common, if not more so, for the bride to have at least some control over the dresses, whether that means choosing a specific dress or just asking for a particular color and fabric. I pretty much let my MOH choose her own dress and insisted she find something she liked, but I did still ask for a particular color. 

    The bride did the right thing by asking your sister privately about her budget, so honestly, I don't see a huge problem here so far. If your sister feels differently, she's free to decline being a bridesmaid. 
    image
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  • Knottie1462112814Knottie1462112814 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    Lol, I think she will always be a brat to me ;-) she is my baby sister!
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Your sister is definitely being unreasonable. The bride did right by asking her what her budget was. I've been in 6 weddings, and I've had to purchase a dress for each one. I don't  think it's all that common for the bridesmaids to have 100% control over their dress. 
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  • Knottie1462112814Knottie1462112814 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    That's what I figured. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    Ditto the others.   If your sister can't afford a dress or doesn't want to wear a dress that the bride requests she shouldn't be a BM.   So far the bride sounds thoughtful and your sister sounds like she needs to be clued-in on what is expected of BMs. 
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  • Knottie1462112814Knottie1462112814 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    lnixon8 said:
    Knottie1462112814 said:
    @Tyvm - we are not from the UK, and it is my sisters first wedding. I understand how exciting it is, but if my sister is going to be dramatic, maybe I'll tell her to quit if she doesn't want to spend money on a dress.


    SITB

    Since this is your sisters first wedding don't tell her to "quit". Quitting being a bridesmaid makes it sounds like she's dealing with a bridezilla (sounds like not). If anything she can tell the bride "Thank you so much for thinking of me, but I just can't afford being a bridesmaids right now. Love ya, can' wait for the wedding!" If she needs a better word for it "stepping down" is better than "quit". After all, it is not a job.
    I'll pass this onto her, and like @banana468 said, maybe talk to her about what typically happens. Some brides may let her have free range, and others won't, so don't go in expecting one or the other.
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its

    Since this is your sister's first wedding, she probably doesn't know what to expect.  I think the bride is actually doing her a favor by asking her for a budget for her dress.  I feel that is not done often enough for BM dresses.

    While it might be helpful for your sister to look up some BM duty lists, they are often filled with tons of crap your sister should not have to do.  This one is from our Wedding Party board and is written more towards the bride, but it will still help your sister figure out what is expected of her. 

    http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1042457/bridal-party-101-check-here-first#latest

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  • artbyallieartbyallie mod
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    If her dress budget is zero dollars, she can tell the bride that. She may then be told if she doesn't have/buy a dress in the bride's specifications (whether that's color, designer, or a specific dress) that she will be welcome as a guest rather than a bridesmaid. The bride is doing everything right here so far.
    image
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    lnixon8 said:
    adk19 said:
    Knottie1462112814 said:
    My sister was asked to be in a Wedding. She called me yesterday to complain about it. Apparently the bride sent out an email, asking for how much she was willing to spend on a dress. My sister is pissed because she doesn't want to buy a dress. She was hoping she could wear one of her own dresses.

    I think she is being a bit of a brat about this. I understand that sometimes brides will let you choose whatever,  but you shouldn't throw a fit if they don't.

    Is it really that common for brides to let the bridesmaids pick out the dress, 100%?
    Your sister should tell the bride how much she is willing to spend on a dress.  That's what the question was.  That's what she should answer.  "Well bride, I was really hoping to spend nothing on a dress since I already have so many dresses in my closet.  Can I show you what I have and see if any of them will work?  Most weddings I've seen nowadays have mismatching bridesmaids, when I agreed to be a bridesmaid I thought you'd do that.  If that's not an option, I'd like to just attend as a guest as my dress budget is currently zero, unfortunately."



    SITB


    I would feel bad for the bride if the sister said this. I had mismatched bridemaids dresses, but I understand when people want their bridal party to match. I don't know your sisters style but if this is her first wedding she might be early twenties? Before I got my teaching job there was nothing I already owned in my early twenties that would be appropriate to wear in a wedding. Cheap forever 21 dresses that were low cut, backless, and way to short or informal/"loud" sundresses. Espeically if she wants people to match "Either all of us wear hot pink chevron maxi dresses or I quit!"

    No matter how sweetly of a tone your sister uses it's putting the bride in an awkward position.
    You're right.  But I guess I was thinking that if someone thought she should be able to be a bridesmaid in something she already owns, she probably owns several appropriate dresses.  I mean, has she NEVER seen a wedding on TV or in the movies or in real life?  My sister could definitely do this as she has reasonable length/style dresses in several mild/monochromatic colors.  Blue dress?  check.  Neutral dress? check.  Little black dress?  check.  I, on the other hand, would never assume something I have in my closet would work as a bridesmaid dress as everything I own is loud and patterned or made of jersey cotton.  But I'd be more than willing to shop for something if the bride suggested a color pallette for me to work with.
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  • TyvmTyvm member
    First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    @OliveOilsMom I figured the bridesmaids responsibilities list would consist of:
    • Wear a dress that meets the bride's requests, within your budget.
    • Show up punctually to the wedding ceremony/photos/etc.
    • Stand up with the bride during the ceremony.
    Nothing else. No bachelorette party attending or planning, no setting up the wedding decor, no gift-buying, no shoe or hair specifics, nothing else!

    k thnx bye

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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited May 2016
    Tyvm said:
    @OliveOilsMom I figured the bridesmaids responsibilities list would consist of:
    • Wear a dress that meets the bride's requests, within your budget.
    • Show up punctually to the wedding ceremony/photos/etc.
    • Stand up with the bride during the ceremony.
    Nothing else. No bachelorette party attending or planning, no setting up the wedding decor, no gift-buying, no shoe or hair specifics, nothing else!


    Yes, did you read the link I sent?  That's basically what it says.  The OP is trying to get help for her sister, since she is a first time BM, I figured sending the sister a link that particular TK thread would be helpful.


    ETA: spelling

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  • TyvmTyvm member
    First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited May 2016
    @OliveOilsMom Yeah, I looked at the link, it's nice and long  ;)  Kinda needs a bolded "Here are your BMs' only responsibilities" list at the top, followed by all those addenda and special examples. For those of us that have the attention span of a gnat.

    k thnx bye

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  • Knottie1462112814Knottie1462112814 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    Yep! I forwarded it to her and then we discussed what in her closet would even be appropriate. She just turned 19, and none of her dresses are great. Everything is bare midriff or huge open back. She has one formal evening gown... But It may be a bismuth for a wedding. 
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  • redwoodoriginalredwoodoriginal member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    Knottie1462112814 said:
    Yep! I forwarded it to her and then we discussed what in her closet would even be appropriate. She just turned 19, and none of her dresses are great. Everything is bare midriff or huge open back. She has one formal evening gown... But It may be a bismuth for a wedding. 
    And she somehow thought one of those dresses would work?! smdh...
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    image
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  • CasadenaCasadena member
    First Comment First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    This is part of the reason i will NEVER understand why it is the responsibility of the bridesmaid to buy her dress.  I just think that if you are going to give someone any requirements you should purchase it.  It should just be part of the wedding budget - just my opinion.  

    However, I know that's not the norm (as much as I wish it were) so in this situation the bride really is doing everything right.  However, I don't think it's out of the question for the BM to ask the bride if she has an idea of a look and if anything she already owns might work.  Then, as PP's covered, if the Bride says no, than she can either buy a new dress or take herself out of the party.  
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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper

    The main duties of a bridesmaid today "Show up in the designated attire, (relatively) sober, walk down the aisle, stand with a smile for a few pictures"..  The bride is being kind by asking what her budget is before selecting the "Designated attire" - the BM should oblige by responding with a dollar amount she's comfortable with "Under $100" for example if that's what she can afford so that the bride can begin her search (as the bride has chosen to have a matching WP).  Now, if she can't afford the BM dress or to support the bride and potentially create drama where none needs to be, she may need that "Come to Jesus" moment that reminds her she's an honored guest to be asked to be someone's bridesmaid, but the wedding is not about her and her wants, if she can't/doesn't want to do that on the "small things", it's best to step down...  That doesn't mean she bends over backwards at the Bride's every whim, but that she realize the level of honor and that with it are certain expectations (i.e. "Designated attire"). 

    Granted, I'm "old school" in that time was BM's had far more "duties" years ago than they do now (hence the thousand bows around candied almonds stories, setting up the hall, showers, etc.), but that doesn't change the reality that if she's being that whiney about what's essentially the bare minimum expectation of a BM, stepping down may be a viable option to save the poor bride's sanity!  (...and take due note if you were planning to have her in your WP!).. 

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  • Knottie1462112814Knottie1462112814 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    @MesmrEwe I think it just comes to being young. I did point out that, when I get married I would probably at least have a color in mind, if not a designer. Would she be against buying a dress then?

    I also offered to chip in for her dress. An early birthday gift. I did this, because I remember how it was buying my first bridesmaid dress in college. It's a bit nerve-racking once you think about other costs (if you decide to participate in them.) I know I ate basically beans and rice for three months in college so I could buy a dress and throw a bachelorette party for my friend. My sister lives off an allowance though.

    So, she told the bride that $220 was her max, including alterations. I agreed that it was a good limit.
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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Knottie1462112814 said:
    @MesmrEwe I think it just comes to being young. I did point out that, when I get married I would probably at least have a color in mind, if not a designer. Would she be against buying a dress then?

    I also offered to chip in for her dress. An early birthday gift. I did this, because I remember how it was buying my first bridesmaid dress in college. It's a bit nerve-racking once you think about other costs (if you decide to participate in them.) I know I ate basically beans and rice for three months in college so I could buy a dress and throw a bachelorette party for my friend. My sister lives off an allowance though.

    So, she told the bride that $220 was her max, including alterations. I agreed that it was a good limit.

    Because I just got ROYALLY burned for helping my niece pay for Prom (no good deed goes unpunished)..  I'll say this...  It'd be better for her to pay for her BM dress from her own budget, then you surprise her with the money it cost after she's paid for it.  There's really important lessons to be had and something to be said about that "eating beans and rice for three months" that you did.  I totally understand the "I don't want her to..." but we sometimes forget the importance of those life lessons.  I understand she's young, but sometimes the well placed "this isn't how it works" is a good life lesson learned deep...
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  • Knottie1462112814Knottie1462112814 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    @MesmrEwe know what you are saying, but she works so hard and has a 3.9 GPA. She deserves a little something once in awhile!
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  • flantasticflantastic member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited May 2016
    No one should have to eat beans and rice for three months in order to feel like a good friend and pay for a dress they don't get to choose.

    That's why this requirement is so stupid. Oh well. I'd say that asking for your sister's budget isn't "kind" as much as "basically decent," but I do agree that having some sort of attire designated is a general part of being in the wedding party, although when you think about it, it doesn't really make any sense.

    OP, I think you handled it well.
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