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Moms and Maids
Knottie1462112814
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Sister is in a Wedding
My sister was asked to be in a Wedding. She called me yesterday to complain about it. Apparently the bride sent out an email, asking for how much she was willing to spend on a dress. My sister is pissed because she doesn't want to buy a dress. She was hoping she could wear one of her own dresses.
I think she is being a bit of a brat about this. I understand that sometimes brides will let you choose whatever, but you shouldn't throw a fit if they don't.
Is it really that common for brides to let the bridesmaids pick out the dress, 100%?
I think she is being a bit of a brat about this. I understand that sometimes brides will let you choose whatever, but you shouldn't throw a fit if they don't.
Is it really that common for brides to let the bridesmaids pick out the dress, 100%?
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Re: Sister is in a Wedding
but I also think it's pretty common for brides to make bridesmaids buy a dress. Not sure if that makes it right or wrong.
The bride is doing proper etiquette by asking bridesmaids for their dress budget, so she selects a dress that her bridal party can afford.
Has your sister been in a wedding before? Are you British? (in the UK, brides usually pay for the bridesmaid dresses).
Yes, it is becoming more common for brides to give their bridesmaids a lot of freedom in what they wear, including letting them wear something they already own. However, it is still just as common, if not more so, for the bride to have at least some control over the dresses, whether that means choosing a specific dress or just asking for a particular color and fabric. I pretty much let my MOH choose her own dress and insisted she find something she liked, but I did still ask for a particular color.
The bride did the right thing by asking your sister privately about her budget, so honestly, I don't see a huge problem here so far. If your sister feels differently, she's free to decline being a bridesmaid.
Since this is your sister's first wedding, she probably doesn't know what to expect. I think the bride is actually doing her a favor by asking her for a budget for her dress. I feel that is not done often enough for BM dresses.
While it might be helpful for your sister to look up some BM duty lists, they are often filled with tons of crap your sister should not have to do. This one is from our Wedding Party board and is written more towards the bride, but it will still help your sister figure out what is expected of her.
http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1042457/bridal-party-101-check-here-first#latest
- Wear a dress that meets the bride's requests, within your budget.
- Show up punctually to the wedding ceremony/photos/etc.
- Stand up with the bride during the ceremony.
Nothing else. No bachelorette party attending or planning, no setting up the wedding decor, no gift-buying, no shoe or hair specifics, nothing else!Yes, did you read the link I sent? That's basically what it says. The OP is trying to get help for her sister, since she is a first time BM, I figured sending the sister a link that particular TK thread would be helpful.
ETA: spelling
However, I know that's not the norm (as much as I wish it were) so in this situation the bride really is doing everything right. However, I don't think it's out of the question for the BM to ask the bride if she has an idea of a look and if anything she already owns might work. Then, as PP's covered, if the Bride says no, than she can either buy a new dress or take herself out of the party.
The main duties of a bridesmaid today "Show up in the designated attire, (relatively) sober, walk down the aisle, stand with a smile for a few pictures".. The bride is being kind by asking what her budget is before selecting the "Designated attire" - the BM should oblige by responding with a dollar amount she's comfortable with "Under $100" for example if that's what she can afford so that the bride can begin her search (as the bride has chosen to have a matching WP). Now, if she can't afford the BM dress or to support the bride and potentially create drama where none needs to be, she may need that "Come to Jesus" moment that reminds her she's an honored guest to be asked to be someone's bridesmaid, but the wedding is not about her and her wants, if she can't/doesn't want to do that on the "small things", it's best to step down... That doesn't mean she bends over backwards at the Bride's every whim, but that she realize the level of honor and that with it are certain expectations (i.e. "Designated attire").
Granted, I'm "old school" in that time was BM's had far more "duties" years ago than they do now (hence the thousand bows around candied almonds stories, setting up the hall, showers, etc.), but that doesn't change the reality that if she's being that whiney about what's essentially the bare minimum expectation of a BM, stepping down may be a viable option to save the poor bride's sanity! (...and take due note if you were planning to have her in your WP!)..
I also offered to chip in for her dress. An early birthday gift. I did this, because I remember how it was buying my first bridesmaid dress in college. It's a bit nerve-racking once you think about other costs (if you decide to participate in them.) I know I ate basically beans and rice for three months in college so I could buy a dress and throw a bachelorette party for my friend. My sister lives off an allowance though.
So, she told the bride that $220 was her max, including alterations. I agreed that it was a good limit.
Because I just got ROYALLY burned for helping my niece pay for Prom (no good deed goes unpunished).. I'll say this... It'd be better for her to pay for her BM dress from her own budget, then you surprise her with the money it cost after she's paid for it. There's really important lessons to be had and something to be said about that "eating beans and rice for three months" that you did. I totally understand the "I don't want her to..." but we sometimes forget the importance of those life lessons. I understand she's young, but sometimes the well placed "this isn't how it works" is a good life lesson learned deep...
That's why this requirement is so stupid. Oh well. I'd say that asking for your sister's budget isn't "kind" as much as "basically decent," but I do agree that having some sort of attire designated is a general part of being in the wedding party, although when you think about it, it doesn't really make any sense.
OP, I think you handled it well.