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Etiquette

Etiquette rules that aren't my preference

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Re: Etiquette rules that aren't my preference

  • spockforprezspockforprez Virginia member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    I hated having to rent a tent for my outdoor reception. My vision was a bonfire under the stars. Of course we rented one but my heart was kicking and screaming.

    I don't care if guests bring someone other than their SO.

    I don't care who hosts showers, as long as it's not the bride, or where they happen as far as being at the bride's house or bride's parents' house.

    And I don't give two craps if the bride is involved with planning the b-party as long as it's not an extravagant weekend ski lodge deal. I think that in a lot of circles (non-SS circles anyway) they are shifting away from "everyone celebrate the glorious bridal princess for the night!" to "I want to get all my closest people together to do a fun activity because yay I'm getting married!" and I don't see why it's wrong for the bride to say "Let's do dinner here at my fave place then go play lasertag" or whatever. I didn't have my b-party after the craziness with our wedding but I wish I'd been more involved because my MOH sort of jumped off the deep end and it caused me and (more importantly) the other bridesmaids stress.

    I'm somewhere between PPD-hater and PPD-lite. Mostly, I just don't get it, especially the dishonest ones. I don't see how you can emotionally disconnect from the actual, legal, real, official moment of getting married to the extent that you prefer the reenactment and consider it the "real wedding." It doesn't seem possible to me to treat getting actually, legally like "just paperwork." And I would think it weird if the couple wore their wedding clothes if they aren't doing the ceremony reenactment. But I have no problems with post-wedding celebrations, AHRs, or "wedding tours" as some folks call them. As long as it's only 1 or 2, and they make sense, I think most friends and family would love to celebrate the bride & groom even if they couldn't make it to the wedding.

    Hmm I think most other e-rules, I'm good with. My H better be invited by name, I don't want to pay for anything when we get there, I'll be very irritated if there's a gap. I will decline if b-listed. I will judge if there is a request for cash or honeyfund any time during the engagement. I would leave if I got to the reception and there weren't enough seats.
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I agree about cash bars, and about gaps (though I won't have either, either, as I'm having a secular ceremony and a full bar all night).

    I'll add my own, too:
    As a guest, I prefer to have a dress code on the invitation (formal, casual, whatever). If they don't include it, I always ask the couple. I have a hard enough time figuring out what to wear as it is.
    Seconding the dress code. Please tell me what to wear because it just makes life so much easier.
    Except wtf do you wear to "snappy casual"?

    No thanks, I'll dress myself without a dress code.  
    Dress codes are stupid as fuck for this exact reason- people make up arbitrary, nonsense dress codes, such as snappy casual, business casual, beach formal, hipster formal, etc.

    Do you guys really need a dress code to go to work properly dressed, to go out to dinner with friends, to go out to brunch, to go out to a club, to go to the theater, etc? 

    Come on, you don't!  Wedding's in a chapel but the reception is in a barn?  You wear a sun dress and wedge heels or fancy sandals.  Done!

    I have full confidence in everyone here that you know how to use common sense.  And you can never go wrong being slightly over dressed.  Also, Google is your friend.

    If I know it's going to be a cash bar, I pre-game and bring a flask.  Zero fucks given. 

    And I have pre-gamed and brought a flask to a dry wedding (born again Christian), especially since the MOG (another born again Christian) encouraged it!  Your religious beliefs are not mine, and just as you have the freedom to practice your religion I also have the freedom to not be restricted by your religion.  Did we openly flaunt our drinking- no way.   We were discreet and didn't drink at the actual reception venue.  Again, zero fucks given.


    I would never, ever pre-game or bring a flask to any event where I knew the hosts wanted it to be dry because they were in recovery.  I'm not an asshole.





    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    redwoodoriginalSherbie25Knottie1452098987
  • I don't care about how addresses get on the front of the envelope. I just need to be able to read who is invited. I also don't mind "Adults Only" as I think a lot of people don't know who is actually invited. I'm having an adults only wedding and would have loved to write this (but we didn't). I don't care if the bride helps with planning a shower/stagette as long as it is more about ideas ... I don't like it when the bride is planning everything herself.
    Greenjinjo Pinksatin91016Knottie1452098987cowgirl8238
  • ernursej said:
    I don't care about how addresses get on the front of the envelope. I just need to be able to read who is invited. I also don't mind "Adults Only" as I think a lot of people don't know who is actually invited. I'm having an adults only wedding and would have loved to write this (but we didn't). I don't care if the bride helps with planning a shower/stagette as long as it is more about ideas ... I don't like it when the bride is planning everything herself.
    I don't care about "adult only" either. I get why it's rude, but so many people don't seem to know how to address invites properly for who is invited, so it makes it clear. 
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited May 2016
    @PrettyGirlLost , please don't assume that all born again Christians are anti-alcohol.  Christianity has nothing to do with alcohol, except that overindulging and driving is frowned upon, as it is most places.  Most Christians, many who consider themselves to be "born again", do drink occasionally. 
    "Temperance" - people who do not drink alcohol for many reasons - is the correct term, not "Christians".
    If someone is Temperance, or is holding a reception in a place where alcohol is not allowed, I think it is really bad manners to sneak in your own booze.  You should be able to respect your hosts wishes for one evening.
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    OurWildKingdomKonaCoffeeBeanSP29
  • I've only been to a couple fully hosted weddings in my life - Cash bars (no matter how etiquette no-no they may be) are the norm...  Honestly, I didn't want our wedding turning into a drunk-fest (knowing the sheer number of HARD drinkers in our crowd - it'd been the "wedding of the century" level drinking since FIL was picking up the tab for many of our coworkers) so we hosted TONS of top shelf wine/beer/etc. but drew the line at hard liquor/shots.  We were 10-20 minutes from the nearest hotels, I don't drink, most of my family doesn't either, I was in a neck brace for 6mo when I was younger because of a drunk driver - so dry wedding was ABSOLUTELY on my radar for personal reasons - this was our compromise even though it wasn't a $$$ issue even if we went top shelf..  Whichever a couple chooses, at least host something from start to finish even if it's only NA's..

    Gap - I'm Catholic - I shrug because .. I'm Catholic...

    PPD - One in each the bride/groom's home town - I can live with... Any more than that and yes, I'll side-eye... I know one that hat at least four or was it 11, I don't know there were a TON - the thing was we were invited to all four, and the problem was the "is it proper etiquette to bring a gift to each ?!?!?" KWIM...   Also, too often people forget that some places do not do like the US in having both Civil and Sacramental marriages  in a one-stop-shop... Some places require the civil marriage to be complete before they'll even schedule the Sacramental... 


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  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I don't mind registry info in invitations. I also don't mind adults only or printed addresses. Helping out with the set-up and decoration before the wedding and clean-up after the reception after the B&G have run off on their honeymoon is the norm in my family, and I don't mind at all. My sibs and family did it at my wedding, so I'll gladly do it at theirs.

    PrettyGirlLostKnottie1452098987
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited May 2016
    CMGragain said:
    @PrettyGirlLost , please don't assume that all born again Christians are anti-alcohol.  Christianity has nothing to do with alcohol, except that overindulging and driving is frowned upon, as it is most places.  Most Christians, many who consider themselves to be "born again", do drink occasionally. 
    "Temperance" - people who do not drink alcohol for many reasons - is the correct term, not "Christians".
    If someone is Temperance, or is holding a reception in a place where alcohol is not allowed, I think it is really bad manners to sneak in your own booze.  You should be able to respect your hosts wishes for one evening.
    I don't assume that all born agains are anti alcohol.  MOG in my story case in point.

    I mentioned the religious backgrounds because it was interesting because both parties are the same religion and yet their views on alcohol were so different.

    When I say we had a flask or were drinking at the wedding above, I mean wedding in the sense of the day. . .not the church or the reception. . .who drinks at a church?!  We had a few drinks prior to the reception, and then we had an after party.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    OurWildKingdomKnottie1452098987
  • This sounds awful but I would be really offended at a dry wedding for budget reasons.  I would much prefer a cash bar in this case.

    I think gaps are terrible and selfish.  And don't even get me started on 'evening guests' it is so offensive!

    As as for B listing, it happened to us once but I wasn't offended as we were a plus 2 and 3 of my brother.  He was asked to bring friends to bump up the numbers and we were not actually friends of the couple.  That was the 3pm till 10pm wedding where we got 1 canapé each (honestly) and glasses of wine were £9+ as the venue was very expensive.

    Guests wearing white, it does make me laugh inside!  Last month I worked at a wedding where one girl was wearing a cream chiffon dress with a bloody train!!! 

    Thankfully I have been around here long enough to (hopefully) not make any real mistakes. 
    Knottie1452098987
  • @ScottishSarah same here. I know it's okay etiquette-wise, but I really wouldn't be happy with a dry wedding. I know that says more about me than the person hosting....

    My brothers MIL wore a cream floor length, bias cut silk gown with a cream fur stole to their wedding. People were talking about it all day.
                 
  • ScottishSarahScottishSarah member
    500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 100 Comments First Answer
    edited May 2016
    @ScottishSarah same here. I know it's okay etiquette-wise, but I really wouldn't be happy with a dry wedding. I know that says more about me than the person hosting....

    My brothers MIL wore a cream floor length, bias cut silk gown with a cream fur stole to their wedding. People were talking about it all day.
    I think it's hilarious!  I'm talking about actual full length white/cream dresses that are silly, not ones with other colours mixed in that don't look that bridal.  At this wedding I thought at first the bride had got changed into an evening wedding dress!  It was the sort of dress you would choose for a destination wedding!  
  • I have never been to a dry wedding. It's interesting to see how many people would rather be at a cash bar reception than a dry one. I suspect a lot of it comes down to thinking about your guests - a brunch/noon/early afternoon dry reception probably wouldn't feel odd at all. But a dry formal evening reception with dancing would feel odd to me. 
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    SP29MesmrEwe
  • I have never been to a dry wedding. It's interesting to see how many people would rather be at a cash bar reception than a dry one. I suspect a lot of it comes down to thinking about your guests - a brunch/noon/early afternoon dry reception probably wouldn't feel odd at all. But a dry formal evening reception with dancing would feel odd to me. 
    I think a lot of it would also depend on what's going on and why.   If you're having a big wedding in a country club with lots of dancing and it's dry because you ran out of money I'm going to think you're a crappy planner.

    If you have a dry wedding because of a religious issue it's a different story. 
    SP29Knottie1452098987wink0erin
  • I have never been to a dry wedding. It's interesting to see how many people would rather be at a cash bar reception than a dry one. I suspect a lot of it comes down to thinking about your guests - a brunch/noon/early afternoon dry reception probably wouldn't feel odd at all. But a dry formal evening reception with dancing would feel odd to me. 
    MIMOSAS!!!! Hello, that's the best part of brunch!!!!  Mimosas, bloody Marys. . .


    God I love bloody marys.
    PrettyGirlLostkimmiinthemittenCMGragain
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    Regardless of the reason for a dry wedding, I think bringing a flask to a dry wedding is rude as shit. Drinking before/after, sure. But to bring a flask into a reception and sneak some rum into your drink is super shitty to me.
    I attended a dry wedding because either the bride or grooms parents didn't care if people drank, they just didn't want to pay for it, and the other parents did want booze.  They told their siblings to spread the word that coolers were allowed as long as the beverages stayed outside.  Guess where most people were for the bulk of the reception?
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    MesmrEweKnottie1452098987cowgirl8238
  • adk19 said:
    I have never been to a dry wedding. It's interesting to see how many people would rather be at a cash bar reception than a dry one. I suspect a lot of it comes down to thinking about your guests - a brunch/noon/early afternoon dry reception probably wouldn't feel odd at all. But a dry formal evening reception with dancing would feel odd to me. 
    MIMOSAS!!!! Hello, that's the best part of brunch!!!!  Mimosas, bloody Marys. . .


    God I love bloody marys.
    I mean, mimosas and bloody marys at a brunch wedding would be awesome but I'm just saying I would prefer a day-time wedding without booze to an evening one.

    Regardless of the reason for a dry wedding, I think bringing a flask to a dry wedding is rude as shit. Drinking before/after, sure. But to bring a flask into a reception and sneak some rum into your drink is super shitty to me.
    I attended a dry wedding because either the bride or grooms parents didn't care if people drank, they just didn't want to pay for it, and the other parents did want booze.  They told their siblings to spread the word that coolers were allowed as long as the beverages stayed outside.  Guess where most people were for the bulk of the reception?
    I may have missed it but I don't think people were recommending bringing flasks INTO dry receptions, but instead people were saying they have pre-gamed. 

    I am going to a wedding in the fall where the venue only allows wine and beer and the bride and groom have encouraged guests to bring flasks... Seems like a disaster in the making to be encouraging that. Personally I would not book a venue that didn't allow liquor but to each their own.
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    SP29cowgirl8238
  • Cash bar over nothing...  We had one cousin who did the "NO bar" and the drink choices were coffee (no cream/sugar), mimosas, or water (no refills on the water glass at the table)..  We couldn't even buy a soda from the pop machine and there was no notice of this ahead of time to even bring a water bottle in on a 90degree day in a room sized for half the guests...  ARGH!
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  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    edited May 2016
    MesmrEwe said:
    Cash bar over nothing...  We had one cousin who did the "NO bar" and the drink choices were coffee (no cream/sugar), mimosas, or water (no refills on the water glass at the table)..  We couldn't even buy a soda from the pop machine and there was no notice of this ahead of time to even bring a water bottle in on a 90degree day in a room sized for half the guests...  ARGH!
    We're having coffee with cream and sugar (and nondairy and sugar free options), iced tea, lemonade, and at least one kind of punch, plus water. We're renting a 110-cup coffeemaker, a 10-gallon canteen for the water, and 5-gallon canteens for everything else.
    ernursejscrunchythiefSP29MesmrEwe
  • I don't mind it when invitations or inserts or websites specifically say "no gifts." I know it's rude to assume that people will want to give you gifts, and therefore it's better left off, but as a guest I appreciate knowing when a couple doesn't have the space for/don't want/need physical gifts.

    I know I hated having to return/donate/sell gifts we didn't want or need - I felt so bad!
    MesmrEwe
  • I don't care one tiny bit about being B-listed.  I think it's perfectly normal that people have others that they're closer to than me, but if we're fringe friends or acquaintances I still feel honored that you thought of me next. 

    I don't care about invite wording.

    I don't care about dollar dances.

    I don't care about names on invites.  Is it lazy to not know H's name?  Yes.  Is it so appalling that I wouldn't attend the wedding?  No.  
    poodledoodleoooKnottie1452098987RedSolo34
  • Not listing my FI by name or listing "Adults Only" on invites are no biggie to me.

    I'm not a big drinker so I don't mind cash bars or dry weddings as long as the couple hosts non-alcoholic options.

    Dollar dances are just awkward- at least the ones I've seen.

    B-listing? Eh as long as they don't expect me to adhere to a deadline a week away then I don't mind too much. I did have to talk my FI out of doing it, even though he swore some of his relatives weren't going to come. He was right about them RSVPing No but I'd still rather have the cushion of being below budget on guests.
    Knottie1452098987MesmrEwe
  • If there is one thing that I have learned from these boards is how different things are for different areas.  I am in a very culturally Caribbean/South American part of the US and we just do not have a lot of these issues.  At all.

    I have been to MANY weddings.  Several a year my whole life and I have never once attended one that was not open bar. NEVER.  It's not really an option that is even given.  I went to a "Quinces" once where it was dry, but only because they were very religious and were against drinking.  Generally Quinces, including my own (20 years ago), have very open bars.  Not for the underage, obviously, but for the parents.

    Fully hosting your guests with an ridiculous amount of food and alcohol is just what you do if it's a wedding, showers, a baptism, or little Jorge's 1st birthday party.  There will be a lot of food, alcohol, and probably even dancing.

    There is a thread going around somewhere where people are surprised anyone would have a shower at a venue. Lol, because I have never been to one at someone's house. They are ALWAYS at venues.  Fancy ones, even.  I just booked a venue for my sisters baby shower and I had a lot of trouble with dates because they were already fully booked with other baby and bridal showers.  It's just how it is here.

    I didn't realize it wasn't like that everywhere until I started reading these boards.  I went to a shower last year where a non-Hispanic(recently moved here) co-worker of the bride had been invited and it was obvious she wasn't expecting what she walked into.  She was super surprised there was a full meal and alcohol. 

    Showers are hosted by the immediate family.  It's part of the wedding and having the big celebration is expected.  I've known a bride or two that were dismissive of the whole thing like many are here and everyone was confused, asking when the shower was, and then snarking about it like the family was too cheap to host it. They are called showers only because that is the common term here (in the US) but the gifts are barely even a second thought. Like a few have mentioned, its a celebration of the bride and a send off from single life.  They are called "Despedidas" in Spanish, which is actually....goodbye.  The majority of the guests calling it a "Shower" don't even know why they are called that.  For them it's just the "American" way to say it.  Through the years they have merged and Despedidas have gained a lot of American shower traits like ladies only and gift opening, but for the most part no one cares about any of this shit.  If they want to get together and drink and gossip they will accept the invite.  If not, they will see you at the wedding. No big.

    I can't help being in the middle of both cultures so I made sure to follow as much etiquette as possible, but since there is etiquette for both it's impossible to be 100% on either.
    OurWildKingdomSP29
  • lnixon8 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    I always will issue invitations to people's SOs, but it is a huge PITA sometimes, especially if I have serious space and budget restrictions and I've either never met or can't stand the SOs or inviting them prevents me from inviting people I'm closer to, but I still have to invite them just because social units have to be invited together.
    That doesn't sound like its an etiquette rule you don't mind if you're a guest, but rather as a host.  I bet you'd be pissed if you or your SO were not invited to a wedding together, right?
    To be honest, IDGAF about pretty much every etiquette rule (the list of rules I care about is significantly smaller than the ones I don't), but this is the only one I'll comment on at length.

    I would completely understand and be fine if FH was not invited to a wedding with me, or vice versa.  First of all, we are (shockingly!) capable of spending time apart from each other; being in a couple doesn't make us literally one person.  We still have friends, interests, etc outside of one another.  Second, but tying in to that, if your SO has a friend that you don't know all that well, why would you even want to go to their wedding?  You won't know anyone but your SO, meaning you probably won't have a great time and neither will your SO.  We have a good college friend who is bringing his GF, who we have never met (they met after college AND it's long distance, so we've never had the opportunity), to our wedding.  While I'm excited to meet her, she's not going to know anybody else there but he will be reuniting with a large group of college friends.  That puts both of them in awkward positions.  If I was in the position of making a decision between going to a wedding of someone I'd never met or being away from a SO, I'd choose being away from SO.
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