Wedding 911
GamersElope16
member
Eloped: Breaking the News
I'm not sure if this belongs here, there isn't an Elopement board 
We eloped on 4/8/16 and only his family and my older sister know (his step dad married us). We wanted to wait to tell everyone until his job transferred and he was living permanently in the same state with me.
For all those who have eloped, how did you tell your family? How did they respond to the news?
*I can supply some backstory if needed. This would have been a long post if I included it here*
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Re: Eloped: Breaking the News
If some family members were included while others were not, that may change the dynamics of the expected responses. Were you engaged prior to your elopement?
You should expect some hurt or disappointed feelings. If some people were able to witness your ceremony, you might have to prepare for angry responses as well. @Jells2dot0 , do you have any suggestions or advice?
OP, whatever you do, don't post it on social media until you've told people face-to-face or on the phone first. When I first announced that FW and I were together, I made the mistake of posting on Facebook before I told my immediate family. My Dad was pretty shocked; he likes FW now but was very surprised at the time. When we got engaged, we didn't make the same mistake; we called immediate family first.
I nearly forgot - congratulations!
Then mail out announcements. But anyone you have a close relationship with should be told personally.
And I would definitely expect hurt feelings. Obviously, it's up to you how and when and with whom you get married, and I don't know your family situation, but I know my parents would be extraordinarily hurt if I got married without them there, especially if H's family got to be there.
I think a lot depends on your situation and dynamics with your family/friends. Absolutely NOONE had hurt feelings when we told them we eloped and married for several reasons- we were married previously, we have a ton of family drama, and no one waned to travel for our wedding anyway (we don't live near any of our family). Almost everyone found out about our wedding on Facebook because our photographer uploaded photos the day after and tagged me in them. I was not at all mad and everyone who saw them was either really happy for us or relieved that they didn't have to worry about another wedding! I never sent out announcements and had no intention of doing so. I really don't think anyone cared about our wedding other than us and we really didn't want to make a big deal out of it because, again, second marriage. I didn't even tell my dad until a month afterward and when we did tell him, he was so relieved that he didn't have to deal with my mom. LOL
HOWEVER, I know for a FACT that if we invited only some of our family to the wedding and not others, there would be hurt feelings. What you did is not technically an elopement and people are less hurt by running off and getting married alone than getting married with only a few who are deemed special enough to keep the secret. Again, we don't know your family dynamics and maybe your family won't care, but I think you need to tell them in a more personal way (call, visit as opposed to announcement) sooner rather than later.
okay I guess I did need to include some backstory.
We were not engaged before we got married. I had just gotten out of a 6 year relationship (engaged for 6 months) and I had just started to tell my family about the new guy. He lives in a different state than I do (we met playing video games online). We decided to get married only about 2 weeks before we did it. We could not find an officiant in his small rural town that could marry us on short notice so that's why his step dad did it. His mom and sister were there because it was at their house. We were waiting for him to get his job transferred to my state and him living with me before we told my family (he will be here in less than 2 weeks). We were going to tell my mom and dad in person (they are divorced) and I'll call the rest of my close family, everyone else will get some kind of announcement (not on facebook). My aunt eloped, my sister eloped, and my mom and dad had a private ceremony so this kind of thing isn't unheard of in my family. I know there will be some hurt feelings, I'm just trying to think of ways to cushion the blow. There are some photos and a video of the ceremony so maybe that will help.
If I missed any details please let me know.
Congratulations on your marriage, and I hope everything goes well with your family!
You do not owe anyone an explanation or an apology for getting married. There is no blow to cushion.
The formal marriage announcement is the proper, personal way to inform anyone except very close family that you are now married. No apologies. No explanations.
No other information should be included. Just the facts, Ma'am. Their response to your news should be to wish you happiness.
Whatever you do, don't try to "hide it" and have a PPD. My FBIL did this. Only FI and me and FI's parents know FBIL is actually married and not engaged, as the rest of the family believes. He and his W are having a PPD in a foreign country. It will be expensive and may be a difficult trip for some of the older relatives like his grandparents, but they feel like they need to go since it's his wedding. I don't know how pissed they would be if they discovered it was a PPD -- they might not care. But then again, they might a lot. I certainly feel a bit put upon to have to spend over $1000 on a plane ticket to see an event that's already happened.
@scribe95 - If you would have read the back story I provided, you would have known the reasons for my delay in telling my family.
I am looking for advice from people who have eloped and their experience telling their families. If you haven't eloped and have nothing constructive to offer, please move along.
Also, please don't tell people how to post, that doesn't go over well here.
When did I say we never dated? I also didn't tell you how long ago I broke up with my fiancé. Way to jump to conclusions.
What Scribe said was rude and very condescending.
Don't judge.
And not that you would care, but while we were "dating" we spent 500+ hours on Skype in 2 months. We even did regular couple stuff like have dinner together and watch movies, we even fell asleep every night and got to say Good Morning to each other the next day. Long distance relationships are not less serious than in-person relationships.
The timeline you gave ("I had just gotten out of a 6 year relationship (engaged for 6 months) and I had just started to tell my family about the new guy.") implied a rapid turnaround, which is likely what prompted scribe's observation.
That's all it was. An observation. There was no judgement. Go have a cupcake. And a glass of wine. And tell your family as soon as possible.
ETA the second half of the comment which didn't get saved?
She was saying you never dated or lived in the same city. Not that you never dated period.
@scribe95 's comment to me sounded like it mirrored what the implied concerns from your family would be which hit a nerve. Perhaps use this opportunity to practice reasonable responses to these comments in case they do come up as you make your announcement.