FL wedding - Family is mad

Squirrel617 · May 2016

I've been poking around for about a month or so. I've been slow to ask this question because the girls here get so up in arms about destination weddings. So before I go into anything - let me just say that the destination part is not for debate. It is what the wedding will be, in Clearwater FL. We WILL be getting legally married at home first, then having our wedding we will celebrate in Clearwater. Agree to not agree, call it dress up - do what you will. That is not up for discussion.

My issue is this. 11 years ago, my FH was arrested for sexual battery and is now on the offender list. My family has found that and now refuse to go to our wedding. Once they realized he plead guilty and served time - they want nothing to do with the wedding OR him. How do I convince my family that he's served his time and it's time to move on?

glasgowtolondon · May 2016

Squirrel617 said:

I've been poking around for about a month or so. I've been slow to ask this question because the girls here get so up in arms about destination weddings. So before I go into anything - let me just say that the destination part is not for debate. It is what the wedding will be, in Clearwater FL. We WILL be getting legally married at home first, then having our wedding we will celebrate in Clearwater. Agree to not agree, call it dress up - do what you will. That is not up for discussion.

My issue is this. 11 years ago, my FH was arrested for sexual battery and is now on the offender list. My family has found that and now refuse to go to our wedding. Once they realized he plead guilty and served time - they want nothing to do with the wedding OR him. How do I convince my family that he's served his time and it's time to move on?

You don't. Grown adults can make up their own minds (like you have), and you can't force the issue. You can only do whatever you decide is right and let the chips fall where they may.

Eta: This isn't really a 'wedding' issue at all, it is about how your family and FI relate to one another, so I don't know why you are getting your panties in a twist about whether some Internet strangers will/will not approve of your plans.

Squirrel617 · May 2016

I wasn't asking strangers to approve my plans (in fact, I did the opposite).

I only asked if anyone had any ideas for my family to mend fences with FI. I would really like everyone to support us in FL. I imagine there have been other brides in my situation, where the family wasn't supportive of a destination wedding or just simply didn't like the other half. There has to be a way to all just get along! This will be a lifetime, so there has to be some ideas of activities to get them together. I almost considered not telling them he would be there and do a surprise wedding, but that may upset them further...I'm still considering it.

I did forget to add, that we're having the wedding in FL because that is where FI is from. His elderly family is not able to travel. That is why that portion is not for debate, even though I am sure some still will. No one really needs to know when the actual legal part is - only when we're celebrating the wedding, that is the day we plan to recognize.

floridabride44 · May 2016

Squirrel617 said:

I wasn't asking strangers to approve my plans (in fact, I did the opposite).

I only asked if anyone had any ideas for my family to mend fences with FI. I would really like everyone to support us in FL. I imagine there have been other brides in my situation, where the family wasn't supportive of a destination wedding or just simply didn't like the other half. There has to be a way to all just get along! This will be a lifetime, so there has to be some ideas of activities to get them together. I almost considered not telling them he would be there and do a surprise wedding, but that may upset them further...I'm still considering it.

I did forget to add, that we're having the wedding in FL because that is where FI is from. His elderly family is not able to travel. That is why that portion is not for debate, even though I am sure some still will. No one really needs to know when the actual legal part is - only when we're celebrating the wedding, that is the day we plan to recognize.

Lying to family never ends well. If you're trying to help your family "mend fences" with your FI, lying about when you two were actually married, and inviting them to a fake ceremony while pretending you're not already husband & wife is not a good place to start.

Also - why not get actually married in Clearwater? It's not like Florida has any crazy residency rules that would make it difficult for you to make it legal there.

glasgowtolondon · May 2016

You can't force people to get along no matter how much you want to. I honestly think that concocting situations to try to make your family suddenly feel differently towards your FI would be a big mistake. You need to let your family come around on their own time. As my mum says; you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. You can only control your own actions and decisions, not those of your family.

Squirrel617 · May 2016

We want to get married in Clearwater. My family isn't from there, and we don't live in FL.

I wouldn't lie, I am telling them our wedding is the day we plan to celebrate. The legal part at home is just that - our wedding will be in FL.

geebee908 · May 2016

Why is the legal part not able to take place in FL? You can't do anything to change how your family feels about your FI; that's a losing battle. They're in control of how they feel.

Tyvm · May 2016

You could've asked your question without even mentioning your wedding plans. The relationship between your FI and family has nothing to do with this Florida wedding.

But because you've mentioned your PPD, you're not going to get the responses you wanted. Have fun with the rest of these pointless posts!

madamerwin · May 2016

I am confused. Your post title makes it sound like your family is mad you're "getting married" in Florida (which, you're not if you are handling the license at home). But the issue seems to be that they are not comfortable with you marrying someone with a criminal record for sexual assault. This is a family issue, not a wedding issue.

You cannot make your family approve. You cannot trick them into coming. Do they know your FI? If his criminal record is really a thing of the past, you need to make the effort for your family to get to know him better. Maybe once they see him for more than a criminal record, they may feel differently.

And I think you may be confused about how marriage licenses work... Assuming you are from the US, there won't be any crazy requirements to get a marriage license in FL. It seems like you may be under the impression that since you don't live there, you can't get a license there. Do some research, because there really isn't any reason for the legal part not to happen in FL. There is zero reason not to do the legal part in FL.

Your OP started by saying posters get up in arms about destination weddings; that's not really the case. Some people are not fans of them, sure, but as long as you're accepting of the fact that you will have a lower attendance rate at a DW, there is nothing wrong with making that choice. What people DO get upset about on here is lying to your friends and family about when you got married. Your wedding is the day you have your license signed by the officiant. If you do that at home, THAT will be your wedding day. Don't lie to your family, especially when the only reason not to get married (for real, like the paperwork) in FL is because you are not willing to do a tiny bit of research.

madamerwin · May 2016

Here, in 30 seconds I was able to do the research for you on how to actually get married at your wedding...

In FL, you can get a marriage license at a county clerk. It will be valid for 60 days. It costs $93.50. There IS a 3-day waiting period, but you can have the waiting period waived by completing a pre-marital course. Hell, you can even do the course online ahead of time ($24.99 per couple), and then go to the clerk for the marriage license the day before your wedding.

Voila! You will be able to have a real, legal wedding in Florida, no lying to anyone.

Info on FL marriage licenses: http://www.stateofflorida.com/getting-married-in-florida.aspx

Info on the pre-marital course:http://flpremaritalcourse.com/

ETA: I know you specifically said that the fake wedding is not up for debate, but when you provide info on an open internet forum, people can and will comment on any and all of what you tell us.

MobKaz · May 2016

Squirrel617 said:

We want to get married in Clearwater. My family isn't from there, and we don't live in FL.

I wouldn't lie, I am telling them our wedding is the day we plan to celebrate. The legal part at home is just that - our wedding will be in FL.

If you want to marry in Clearwater, there is nothing preventing you from doing so. There is also nothing stopping you from celebrating your recent marriage in Clearwater. Maintain your plan to marry in your hometown, and host a celebration of that marriage in Clearwater.

As others have said, there is absolutely nothing you can do to force people to "get along". Perhaps your family is concerned about the nature of your FI's criminal charge. If there are children involved, they may be reluctant to have them engage in any time with someone with such a record. There are stigma's, bias, and fears attached with everything, warranted or not. You cannot expect a celebration of marriage to remove or diminish those attitudes.

Invite who you want and let those guests make their own decisions. I will add, however, that if I made a difficult choice, attended, and then found out I was deceived, I might wonder if his past history influenced a decision to deceive family members. The best way to move forward is to do it truthfully.

kmmssg · May 2016

MobKaz said:

Squirrel617 said:

We want to get married in Clearwater. My family isn't from there, and we don't live in FL.

I wouldn't lie, I am telling them our wedding is the day we plan to celebrate. The legal part at home is just that - our wedding will be in FL.

If you want to marry in Clearwater, there is nothing preventing you from doing so. There is also nothing stopping you from celebrating your recent marriage in Clearwater. Maintain your plan to marry in your hometown, and host a celebration of that marriage in Clearwater.

As others have said, there is absolutely nothing you can do to force people to "get along". Perhaps your family is concerned about the nature of your FI's criminal charge. If there are children involved, they may be reluctant to have them engage in any time with someone with such a record. There are stigma's, bias, and fears attached with everything, warranted or not. You cannot expect a celebration of marriage to remove or diminish those attitudes.

Invite who you want and let those guests make their own decisions. I will add, however, that if I made a difficult choice, attended, and then found out I was deceived, I might wonder if his past history influenced a decision to deceive family members. The best way to move forward is to do it truthfully.

The bold is exactly how I would feel. Want to really increase the tension and anger in your family? Go ahead and have a fake wedding in Florida. Someone WILL find out sooner or later and they will be pissed. You seem hell bent on creating that scenario.

climbingsingle · May 2016

Squirrel617 said:

I've been poking around for about a month or so. I've been slow to ask this question because the girls here get so up in arms about destination weddings. So before I go into anything - let me just say that the destination part is not for debate. It is what the wedding will be, in Clearwater FL. We WILL be getting legally married at home first, then having our wedding we will celebrate in Clearwater. Agree to not agree, call it dress up - do what you will. That is not up for discussion.

My issue is this. 11 years ago, my FH was arrested for sexual battery and is now on the offender list. My family has found that and now refuse to go to our wedding. Once they realized he plead guilty and served time - they want nothing to do with the wedding OR him. How do I convince my family that he's served his time and it's time to move on?

There's no way to force your family to accept this man.

Why did you even post this on the DW board? This is not a DW issue. You're getting fake married in Florida, to a man your family wants nothing to do with. Also, what your family is probably also angry with is that you weren't forthcoming with this info. I have a friend that's experiencing something similar in her family right now.

If you were my cousin, or my sister, or my aunt, I absolutely would not support you in marrying a man that served time in prison for sexual battery. Sorry.

Squirrel617 · May 2016

Well, Climbing wife - you are just closed minded and can't see past peoples mistakes! For that, I will pray for you. You have no idea what the details are - but you just pass judgement. I feel sorry for those that are close to you - they all must be perfect!

Like I said - the other part is not up for discussion. Thanks for the help girls.

lembaslover · May 2016

Why would you even post if you're just saying nothing is up for discussion. Sorry your family doesn't support your choice, you can't fix that. I have to agree with @climbingwife. The exception is if he was wrongfully convicted. I could probably get over robbery, fraud, maybe even murder depending on the circumstances but a sexual case... nope (again assuming he was actually guilty). Good luck lying to your family while trying to get their support...

MobKaz · May 2016

Squirrel617 said:

Well, Climbing wife - you are just closed minded and can't see past peoples mistakes! For that, I will pray for you. You have no idea what the details are - but you just pass judgement. I feel sorry for those that are close to you - they all must be perfect!

Like I said - the other part is not up for discussion. Thanks for the help girls.

@Squirrel617, the PP's did offer help and respond to your concern. The consensus is that there is no way to FORCE others to see someone as you. In fact, an argument could be made that THEIR perspective is the clearer one since they have no emotional attachment to cloud their judgment.

Depending on the specifics of the battery charge, particularly if it involved minors, merely serving time is not always sufficient rehabilitation/correction.

You said, "I wouldn't lie, I am telling them our wedding is the day we plan to celebrate. The legal part at home is just that - our wedding will be in FL."
If you are sincere in not wanting to lie, then disclose the full truth to your family. Tell them that the legal ceremony was performed in your home town and that you want to celebrate that occasion with them in Florida. You are spending a lot of time and energy circumventing the truth......and I would absolutely pass judgment on someone that goes out of their way to deceive me.

I thought I would include a picture of my husband and I. As you can see, our life is exactly as you perceive it. I indeed am an OMH and my poor, martyred husband walks daily on my egg shell laden floor.

LondonLisa · May 2016

Squirrel617 said:

I've been poking around for about a month or so. I've been slow to ask this question because the girls here get so up in arms about destination weddings. So before I go into anything - let me just say that the destination part is not for debate. It is what the wedding will be, in Clearwater FL. We WILL be getting legally married at home first, then having our wedding we will celebrate in Clearwater. Agree to not agree, call it dress up - do what you will. That is not up for discussion.

My issue is this. 11 years ago, my FH was arrested for sexual battery and is now on the offender list. My family has found that and now refuse to go to our wedding. Once they realized he plead guilty and served time - they want nothing to do with the wedding OR him. How do I convince my family that he's served his time and it's time to move on?

This would be a dealbreaker for me too. You don't get to decide how others judge your fiance for his crime. One doesn't just serve time for sexual battery and be placed on a sex offenders registry, and deserve to bounce back from it. Sex offenses are extreme.

If you marry this man, you are signing up to a lifetime of this treatment. Such as, your husband will not be allowed to go to your children's school. Chances are, your children will face reprocusions (such as their friends not being able to go over to your house). You will not be allowed to live in certain neighbourhoods and he will find it very hard to get a job. And you, for the rest of your life, will need to accept that people may choose to not associate with you. You are welcome to chose what you want, but your family backing out is just a small sample of what is going to face you from now on.

Getting your family to attend your redo is the least of your worries. You need to think long and hard if you are happy signing up to this life.

Starting by lying to them is hands-down the worst thing you could do in this situation. Trust is built brick by brick. You need to tell everyone that you are having your ceremony where you live and a vow renewal and celebration in Florida.

(Honestly, I can't think of a faster way to fully sever ties with your family, then getting them to come to reluctantly go to Florida, only for them to find out you were already married). You previously mentioned that you were a Christian. So I suggest you read: Timothy 1:9-11, Revelation 21:8, and Ephesians 4:15. Even if you don't care about the fake wedding, if you are not up front with everyone, you know you are lying by omission. You are keeping it a secret because you know you are doing something wrong).

climbingsingle · May 2016

Squirrel617 said:

Well, Climbing wife - you are just closed minded and can't see past peoples mistakes! For that, I will pray for you. You have no idea what the details are - but you just pass judgement. I feel sorry for those that are close to you - they all must be perfect!

Like I said - the other part is not up for discussion. Thanks for the help girls.

@Squirrel617That's pretty funny. No one is perfect, but as a victim of sexual assault, I would never be OK with a relative marrying a sexual offender.

Your family is not supporting your marriage to this man. There's obviously a reason for that.

kimmiinthemitten · May 2016

FI has a close family friend who married a convicted rapist. My advice below is from what I've witnessed as that relationship has evolved. The parents and one sibling know of his past, and have chosen to keep it a secret from the rest of the family/friends including the oldest sibling because they know people wouldn't approve and they don't want to answer questions. As you are experiencing, that is a short lived time thanks to sex offender registries.

First, you kept this a secret from them, which means you didn't want them to know. You could have chosen to be honest and start a conversation about what happened, what his sentence was, how it changed him, how you plan to handle future inquiries, what will happen if you have children and when they go to school, etc.

But you didn't. You kept it a dirty little secret and now that the cat is out of the bag you want to know how to make them like him? Ship has sailed, for now. Maybe they will come around, maybe they won't, but I would bet money that they will never come around if you both don't start having the difficult, honest and necessary conversations about his past and your future together. They are rightfully worried about you, your safety, your decision making process and your future and your future husband is causing it. Every action has repercussions, and you are reaping yours. They won't be the first people you have to face this hurdle with, there may be lost jobs, living parameters, if you have kids other parents will find out. If you can't even face this head on like a mature adult with the people who love you the most, how will you spend a lifetime dealing with it?

And for the record, I'm Team @climbingwife, I would never support a loved one who chose to marry a convicted sex or violent offender. The way *you* are stomping your feet and singing "why can't we be friends" while blaming your family for causing this distress is relationship-ending.

madamerwin · May 2016

I'd still like to know WHY you can't get legally married in FL. You say it's not up for discussion, but you don't offer any reason for that. Why mention the fake wedding and then refuse to elaborate on why you must do it that way? Hell, I even provided you with all the info you need to make it legal in FL - see my post from yesterday.

And I'm with PPs. I said in my earlier post that, depending on the circumstances of his conviction (maybe he was wrongly accused, maybe it was an isolated incident - not that that is an excuse), your family may come around if they get to know him better. But if you were my sister, I would absolutely not support you marrying a sex offender.

glasgowtolondon · May 2016

Squirrel617 said:

Well, Climbing wife - you are just closed minded and can't see past peoples mistakes! For that, I will pray for you. You have no idea what the details are - but you just pass judgement. I feel sorry for those that are close to you - they all must be perfect!

Like I said - the other part is not up for discussion. Thanks for the help girls.

I'd save those prayers for your FI's victim(s), not someone who told you something you didn't want to hear. Your wounds will heal.

Good luck with your redo.

LondonLisa · May 2016

glasgowtolondon said:

Squirrel617 said:

Well, Climbing wife - you are just closed minded and can't see past peoples mistakes! For that, I will pray for you. You have no idea what the details are - but you just pass judgement. I feel sorry for those that are close to you - they all must be perfect!

Like I said - the other part is not up for discussion. Thanks for the help girls.

I'd save those prayers for your FI's victims(s), not someone who told you something you didn't want to hear. Your wounds will heal.

Good luck with your redo.

Boom! Priorities....

kmmssg · May 2016

Squirrel617 said:

Well, Climbing wife - you are just closed minded and can't see past peoples mistakes! For that, I will pray for you. You have no idea what the details are - but you just pass judgement. I feel sorry for those that are close to you - they all must be perfect!

Like I said - the other part is not up for discussion. Thanks for the help girls.

you forgot to mention how sorry you feel for her husband..

You have gotten some good advice here but it isn't what you want. Of course your family isn't going to accept your FI - you have done a terrible job of dealing with this. Now you say you aren't going to lie to them, you are just going to tell them you are getting married on the day you are celebrating - that is a lie. You got married the day it became legal. Not sure why you posted when you won't take any advice that has been well thought out.

ernursej · May 2016

OP - I do not know you or your FI. I have no idea what he did (or was wrongfully accused of) to end up with a sexual battery charge. I will say that sexual battery is a crime that I think many people draw a line with. I think there are good people that end up with criminal charges and knowing the person behind the crime is important. Getting to know someone takes time. Time to build trust, to build a relationship, to understand the person. Relationships can never be forced, but a good way to damage a building relationship or a future relationship is to lie (that includes omissions). I don't not think you can expect family members to like your FI, especially if you aren't forthcoming with information. Work on those relationships and building trust first. The wedding is so far down the line of priorities.

climbingsingle · May 2016

ernursej said:

OP - I do not know you or your FI. I have no idea what he did (or was wrongfully accused of) to end up with a sexual battery charge. I will say that sexual battery is a crime that I think many people draw a line with. I think there are good people that end up with criminal charges and knowing the person behind the crime is important. Getting to know someone takes time. Time to build trust, to build a relationship, to understand the person. Relationships can never be forced, but a good way to damage a building relationship or a future relationship is to lie (that includes omissions). I don't not think you can expect family members to like your FI, especially if you aren't forthcoming with information. Work on those relationships and building trust first. The wedding is so far down the line of priorities.

Absolutely agree with this. I have close friends that have been arrested/in legal trouble due to DUIs and/or drug possession. I have a friend from HS that was arrested for breaking into a store and stealing shit when he was younger. Sexual assault is where I draw the line.

sparklepants41 · May 2016

Squirrel617 said:

I've been poking around for about a month or so. I've been slow to ask this question because the girls here get so up in arms about destination weddings. So before I go into anything - let me just say that the destination part is not for debate. It is what the wedding will be, in Clearwater FL. We WILL be getting legally married at home first, then having our wedding we will celebrate in Clearwater. Agree to not agree, call it dress up - do what you will. That is not up for discussion.

My issue is this. 11 years ago, my FH was arrested for sexual battery and is now on the offender list. My family has found that and now refuse to go to our wedding. Once they realized he plead guilty and served time - they want nothing to do with the wedding OR him. How do I convince my family that he's served his time and it's time to move on?

climbingwife said:

Squirrel617 said:

Well, Climbing wife - you are just closed minded and can't see past peoples mistakes! For that, I will pray for you. You have no idea what the details are - but you just pass judgement. I feel sorry for those that are close to you - they all must be perfect!

Like I said - the other part is not up for discussion. Thanks for the help girls.

@Squirrel617That's pretty funny. No one is perfect, but as a victim of sexual assault, I would never be OK with a relative marrying a sexual offender.

Your family is not supporting your marriage to this man. There's obviously a reason for that.

First bolded: you don't. As a survivor of rape, I am still "serving time" emotionally. The scars of PTSD will never heal. It's not like he stole a car - he SEXUALLY ASSAULTED someone and is now a REGISTERED SEX OFFENDER. He was in PRISON. You don't get to tell people "it's time to move on" for something this serious.

Second bolded - rape/sexual assault/etc. is not a "mistake." A "mistake" is something minor. Don't you dare minimize what your FH did as a "mistake."

Third point is a hug to @climbingwife for being brave enough to share. I admire your strength.

climbingsingle · May 2016

sparklepants41 said:

Squirrel617 said:

I've been poking around for about a month or so. I've been slow to ask this question because the girls here get so up in arms about destination weddings. So before I go into anything - let me just say that the destination part is not for debate. It is what the wedding will be, in Clearwater FL. We WILL be getting legally married at home first, then having our wedding we will celebrate in Clearwater. Agree to not agree, call it dress up - do what you will. That is not up for discussion.

My issue is this. 11 years ago, my FH was arrested for sexual battery and is now on the offender list. My family has found that and now refuse to go to our wedding. Once they realized he plead guilty and served time - they want nothing to do with the wedding OR him. How do I convince my family that he's served his time and it's time to move on?

climbingwife said:

Squirrel617 said:

Well, Climbing wife - you are just closed minded and can't see past peoples mistakes! For that, I will pray for you. You have no idea what the details are - but you just pass judgement. I feel sorry for those that are close to you - they all must be perfect!

Like I said - the other part is not up for discussion. Thanks for the help girls.

@Squirrel617That's pretty funny. No one is perfect, but as a victim of sexual assault, I would never be OK with a relative marrying a sexual offender.

Your family is not supporting your marriage to this man. There's obviously a reason for that.

First bolded: you don't. As a survivor of rape, I am still "serving time" emotionally. The scars of PTSD will never heal. It's not like he stole a car - he SEXUALLY ASSAULTED someone and is now a REGISTERED SEX OFFENDER. He was in PRISON. You don't get to tell people "it's time to move on" for something this serious.

Second bolded - rape/sexual assault/etc. is not a "mistake." A "mistake" is something minor. Don't you dare minimize what your FH did as a "mistake."

Third point is a hug to @climbingwife for being brave enough to share. I admire your strength.

@sparklepants41 and a hug to you as well.

charlotte989875 · May 2016

Squirrel617 said:

I've been poking around for about a month or so. I've been slow to ask this question because the girls here get so up in arms about destination weddings. So before I go into anything - let me just say that the destination part is not for debate. It is what the wedding will be, in Clearwater FL. We WILL be getting legally married at home first, then having our wedding we will celebrate in Clearwater. Agree to not agree, call it dress up - do what you will. That is not up for discussion.

My issue is this. 11 years ago, my FH was arrested for sexual battery and is now on the offender list. My family has found that and now refuse to go to our wedding. Once they realized he plead guilty and served time - they want nothing to do with the wedding OR him. How do I convince my family that he's served his time and it's time to move on?

So OP if you're still around, I'm going to echo what everyone else said; you don't get to decide it's time for them to move on. They do. If they ever do, and they might not. You need to accept that for many people, possibly your family include, this is a deal breaker. Just because you can deal with your FI's past, does not mean other people will, and they don't have to.

Squirrel617 said:

I wasn't asking strangers to approve my plans (in fact, I did the opposite).

I only asked if anyone had any ideas for my family to mend fences with FI. I would really like everyone to support us in FL. I imagine there have been other brides in my situation, where the family wasn't supportive of a destination wedding or just simply didn't like the other half. There has to be a way to all just get along! This will be a lifetime, so there has to be some ideas of activities to get them together. I almost considered not telling them he would be there and do a surprise wedding, but that may upset them further...I'm still considering it.

I did forget to add, that we're having the wedding in FL because that is where FI is from. His elderly family is not able to travel. That is why that portion is not for debate, even though I am sure some still will. No one really needs to know when the actual legal part is - only when we're celebrating the wedding, that is the day we plan to recognize.

Your family also isn't who needs to fend fences here, and neither is your FI, it's you. If you were not upfront about your FI's past and they found out, you need to explain why you didn't tell them, maybe the details of the situation, and how and why you're safe/ok with what happened. You need to do the mending here. Also, even if you do this you may never all "just get along". By marrying this man you may be choosing between him and your family, and you need to be OK with this.

Finally, to the last bolded point; continuing to lie to them, not telling them they are attending a wedding that they do not support will in all likelihood make the problems with them even worse.

Look, sexual battery isn't just a mistake, neither is pleading guilty to a serious (in most states felony) charge. Maybe your FI has had counseling, maybe he was wrongfully accused, maybe there are explanations here, and you don't need to share them with us, but if you want to have a relationship with your family in the future you probably need to explain these details to them. And know that even if you do they may never be OK with what he did. As you can see from the responses here, many of us would never be OK with associating with someone who was responsible for something so reprehensible as sexual violence.

CMGragain · May 2016

I am seriously questioning whether or not Squirrel617 is for real. Even my late mother wouldn't live with this much denial, and she was an expert.

redoryx · May 2016

CMGragain said:

I am seriously questioning whether or not Squirrel617 is for real. Even my late mother wouldn't live with this much denial, and she was an expert.

I used to work in a prison. I guarantee there are women who are in this much denial about their SOs.

And, as someone who used to work in a prison, I can say that, OP, you are actually exhibiting behaviors not unlike some of the men I used to work with, mostly by refusing to own up to your own mistakes and making it all seem like someone else's fault. Don't get me wrong, I understand that sometimes mistakes happen and most of the men I worked with were absolute gentlemen, but you don't end up serving time in prison for sexual battery unless some serious shit went down and because you didn't say he was falsely imprisoned, I'm guessing you know he's guilty.

Let's be clear: this isn't a wedding issue -- this isn't a destination issue. This is a you lying to your family issue.

If your family just found out about his record, that indicates you didn't tell them before hand. Which suggests there is a reason why you didn't tell them. But instead of acknowledging you didn't tell them because of his record, you are trying to turn it on them like they are the bad guy here. They aren't. You lied to them and now you want to lie again by not being upfront about your wedding plans. Wedding plans that don't make any sense because you can do the legal thing in FL with your family there.

But you can't force people to make nice with your FI and because of his history, chances are they won't ever make nice with him. You are an adult, you make a decision, and you have to live with the consequences of that decision. This is a two-fold thing: If I found out a family member of mine was getting married to someone who had been imprisoned of sexual battery I'd be concerned but then if I found out they'd kept that secret from me and then wanted me to magically be okay with it, oh hell no.

If you want even a sliver of a chance to have any kind of relationship between your family and your FI, continuing to lie to them is not the way to go.

SP29 · May 2016

Squirrel617 said:

I've been poking around for about a month or so. I've been slow to ask this question because the girls here get so up in arms about destination weddings. So before I go into anything - let me just say that the destination part is not for debate. It is what the wedding will be, in Clearwater FL. We WILL be getting legally married at home first, then having our wedding we will celebrate in Clearwater. Agree to not agree, call it dress up - do what you will. That is not up for discussion.

My issue is this. 11 years ago, my FH was arrested for sexual battery and is now on the offender list. My family has found that and now refuse to go to our wedding. Once they realized he plead guilty and served time - they want nothing to do with the wedding OR him. How do I convince my family that he's served his time and it's time to move on?

You don't. This is not your choice to make.

I would also encourage you to be completely honest with your family. Attempting to surprise your family with a wedding is not going to go over well. First, I don't know how you'll get them all to FL anyway, but even if you do, I would fully expect some (or all) of your family/friends to walk out of the ceremony if you do this- do not create this amount of drama for yourself and your family.

FL wedding - Family is mad

Re: FL wedding - Family is mad

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