How to avoid conflict with FSIL

Re: How to avoid conflict with FSIL

• Knottie54371746 member

  

  May 2016

  Not to go off topic, but are ushers seriously not a thing? I envisioned it as a role where my brother could greet people and tell them to sit anywhere, nothing else. But I guess he could be a reader too.

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• Tyvm member

  

  May 2016

  @Knottie54371746 I think there's a sliding scale on the belief of usherdom.
  
  In general, it's not really an honor to ask someone to work your wedding. This is why BMs aren't actually required to throw/host bridal showers or bachelorettes as part of their "duties". Oh man, or look up some threads on TK about "house party". Ushering is considered work, and therefore is not really a way to honor someone...but as stated, there's varying views on this.

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  k thnx bye

  

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• bleve0821 member

  

  May 2016

  My brother's sole job was to escort my mother down the aisle. 
  
  Honestly, OP, I was in your shoes about a year ago. I posted about it on TK, too. I didn't make her a BM or a reader, and if things hadn't gotten a little out of hand, she wouldn't have even been invited to my bridal (bridle ) shower.  I know she hates me for it, but I don't give a shit. She hated me long before I got engaged to her BIL, and I still don't know why. I spent four years "playing nice" and "being the better person," and she walked all over me for four years. DH has my back, but that wasn't always clear to me, I'll admit. He thought she and I could both be adult about it. And because she was family and I wasn't, I tried.
  
  It was so not worth the effort or the emotional turmoil.
  
  Your FI needs to support you 100%. Full stop. He's team YOU now, and he needs to be your biggest cheerleader and human shield. If he's not clearly running interference between you and FSIL, that is the very first thing you need to address before you even approach your prospective bridesmaids. You'll be living with this man for the rest of your life. You're his family now, and if he isn't running interference with your FILs now, he may never start. You owe FSIL nothing, but FI owes it to you to make it known to her that this is unacceptable behavior. 
  
  DH did it for me.

  
  

  "And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."
  

  --Philip Pullman

  
  

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  May 2016

  I agree with all the PPs talking about your FI sticking up for you.  If he has a good relationship with her otherwise then they should be able to have this talk.  And he should also be able to address any questions of her not being in the bridal party with his family.  (I really won't include her, honestly it's ripe to make things worse between the two of you). I hate to say it, but with him ignoring the situation and not doing anything to change her behavior, the only message she receives from this is that it's okay to continue to treat you poorly. 
  
  I get it.  My FSIL is not the most friendly.  After several pa "jokes" made at my expense early on, my FI, then boyfriend, shut it down hard.  We haven't had an issue since.  It's good to establish boundaries early. FSIL will be in our wedding, standing on her brother's side.  Maybe rethink your wedding party if it's really important for her to be included?
  

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• OliveOilsMom member

  

  May 2016

  I think this weekend is the perfect opportunity for your FI to say something to his sister.  I would encourage you to tell your FI to speak to FSIL about her behavior towards you.  And it should all come from him, "Sister, I have seen the way you treat Knottie#s.  I just need you to know it stops now.  You don't have to be best friends, but you do have to be cordial.  She is not going anywhere, so you better just get used to it."

  Also, even though other family has seen the way FSIL treats you.  FI should first speak to his sister privately.  The last thing to help with situation is for FI to say something in front of everyone and they gang up on her.  It could cause her to dig her heels in further in regards to you.

  

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• OurWildKingdom member

  

  May 2016

  I don't have any advice for you, OP, but I can sympathize. This thread has reminded me that I need to go to bat more for my FW. Most of my family adores her, but SIL and brother can be really cold sometimes. My Mom's been advising me that "that's just the way SIL is and we need to be the bigger people," but I'm really over it. 
  
  Hugs to you, OP.

  

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• bleve0821 member

  

  May 2016

  OurWildKingdom said:

  I don't have any advice for you, OP, but I can sympathize. This thread has reminded me that I need to go to bat more for my FW. Most of my family adores her, but SIL and brother can be really cold sometimes. My Mom's been advising me that "that's just the way SIL is and we need to be the bigger people," but I'm really over it. 
  
  Hugs to you, OP.

  O/T: My MIL tried to defend SIL's behavior by saying, "She's just very protective of her husband."
  
  ...okay? I married the brother. Logic is faulty. Please try again.

  
  

  "And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."
  

  --Philip Pullman

  
  

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• MyNameIsNot member

  

  May 2016

  Knottie54371746 said:

  Not to go off topic, but are ushers seriously not a thing? I envisioned it as a role where my brother could greet people and tell them to sit anywhere, nothing else. But I guess he could be a reader too.

  That's not a thing. If you need someone greeting people and telling the where to go, your venue staff should be doing it.
  
  If you ask your brother to be an usher as in he would escort your mothers and/or grandmothers to their seats at the beginning of the processional, it's perfectly fine. 

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